Happy. ^_^

HEY!!!!!

I'm fairly happy right now, I'm going to spend at least most of the day with Cassie. I'm also going to watch The Hobbit tomorrow, and am really looking forward to it. I told Jack about that, and he did this fucking hilarious Gollum impression that made me laugh so hard I almost couldn't breathe. I LOVE HIM!!!!!! I have to say for the billionth time how lucky I am to have met him and Mike. Obviously, I'm a pretty happy girl right now. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss the shit out of Mike and Jack, but I'm so glad I still just get to talk to them. I'm listening to their new song right now, it's amazing. Part of me still kind of wonders what I did to deserve such awesome friends, but I'm glad they're mine. Cassie called yesterday, after having a really shitty day. I tried to cheer her up, but don't think anything I said really helped. I really hope she's feeling better today. She said she wants to do some baking and chating while she's here. ^_^ I love that we can be friends. I guess that's really all for today. I kind of said a lot last time.
Today's song is "Hear you me" by Jimmy Eat World

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Back again ^_^

HEY!!!!!!!!

Today's the last day of my vacation already, God damn it. I had a decent Christmas, and was very glad everything went well. This time seems to have gone by way too fucking fast, and I hate it. I've been on the phone almost non-stop with Cassie since I woke up, which is funny considering how we used to fight.  We just saw each other yesterday, you know? I'd be lying if I said it didn't make me happy to have my little sister back. She's coming to my place on Saturday, too. ^_^  I have to say again how grateful I am to have people who love me, though I sometimes feel unworthy of it. I've been kind of keeping an eye on Cory, just to make sure he doesn't get himself in trouble again. So far, everything is all right. I heard from Mike Monday morning, and just laughed my ass off at what he said. He does this fucking pitch perfect Yoda impression that kills me every time, and he knows it. Again, I'm so lucky to have who I have in my life. I really have to ask myself what I could have possibly done to deserve such an amazing sister and a friend who'll call me up from halfway across the country just to cheer me up. I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!!!!! Mike is a really amazing guy, I'm so glad I met him. I'm grateful to Jack for introducing us. I LOVE HIM!!! Mike is even nerdier deep down than Jack, and doesn't try so hard to hide it.  I kind of needed to be cheered up, though I don't know how Mike knew that.

My dad called again, trying to get me to invite him up here again, and I won't. Am I being cold? I don't know if I can make you understand what it was like having him for a dad, when one of my earliest memories is of him beating the shit out of Mom and Danny and I hiding under my bed because we were too small and weak to do anything about it. He was never there for us, and I sometimes feel the only reason my life is good at all is because Mom finally left him and we all got away from him. Unlike Mike, who just wanted to talk and make me laugh, he only called because he wanted something. I'm not angry at him so much anymore, but it's going to be a hell of a long time before I can forgive him, if I ever truly can. It bugs the living shit out of me that he dares to try to illicit sympathy from me, when for over 10 years he mights as well not have even had a daughter. He didn't even want Mom to have me, to be honest with you. I prefer to be with people who are actually fucking glad I'm alive, thanks. Sorry, I'm venting again. The truth is, I've never really told anyone this before. It's not something I really want my friends to know, obvviously.  I just want them to be happy they're my friends and I'll be happy I'm their friend. This makes me think again of Mike, who took me in soley because of some shit Jack told him. It's kind of nice that he doesn't need to know everything about me to know he likes me, you know?  I guess that's really it for right now. Thanks for reading and letting me vent again. I love you guys for letting me go on like this.

Today's song is " Vampires will never hurt you" by My Chemical Romance

BYE!!!!!!

Leaving soon ..

HEY!!!!!!!!

 

After this, I really need to get my shit together and head over to Mom's house. As this will be the last time I have to myself for a while, however, I'm going to write here. I want to do so much traveling next year, but don't know if I can afford to take the time off or if I really want to spend what it would cost to go everywhere I want to go. My aunt and grandma have been practically begging for us to come see them, and Mark and Mom have been talking about going to check out London and Paris from there. I also want at least to go back to Tokyo, though I'd love to see Kyoto again, too. Part of me feels like I'm pathetic for just working all the time and having little else in my life, and that's why I feel like I need to do this. It's also partially because of Jack, I hate that I won't be able to see him whenever I want to anymore. You might say I'm trying to get away from him. He and the guys are probably going to move now that they've got their record deal, and I feel like I should do something different,too. I sound kind of ridiculous, don't I? I miss the shit out of him. I hate that I waited so long to finally come clean with him about my feelings, I should have been brave for once in my fucking life and told him how I felt. I regret that so much, but there's nothing I can do about it now. I LOVE HIM!!!! I still owe him for unintentionally scaring off Trevor, too. ^_~ The truth is, when Cassie and I were in Japan, I was trying to get away from him, too. I liked him but didn't think he'd ever like me, so I didn't say anything. I've lived like this for too long, and it's painful. He's moving on, and I need to, also. I hate looking like this every time I see or even hear from him. It's unfair to me, and something of an annoyance to him, I'm sure. I guess that's really it for right now. Thanks for reading, love you guys. ^_^ 
Today's song is "Thank you for the venom" by My Chemical Romance

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's the end of the world...not

HEY!!!!!!!!

Good morning, guys. I'm actually in a fairly good mood today, if only because I finally get some time to myself. I'll be spending time with Mom, Mark, and Danny for a while over my all too brief vacation, though. Cassie's working, though Cory might come see us for Christmas. Admittedly, things are better with my family now than they probably ever have been, but it's still going to be stressful having all of us under 1 roof again, even for a little while. I should also add an early Merry Christmas and so forth to everyone. I've heard a little bit from Jack, but it's mostly just about how happy he is about the direction his band is taking.  I'm really glad to hear him at all anymore, to be honest. I still have this fear that he and Mike are going to ditch me when their band really gets going, and I hate it. I don't like the idea that I'm kind of disposable at all. I just hate knowing how unequal our relationships are, though I was joking around with them yesterday and it felt really good. I'm happy for them, and really hope they stick around. I'm happy with the way things are going for my family, too. I'm really glad that the last few times I've talked to Cory we ended the conversation with and "I love you", and a hug. I really just want a happy, peaceful, quiet little life with the ones I love. That shouldn't be so difficult, right? I guess that's really all there is for right now. Thanks for reading this, and love you guys.
Today's song is "This time imperfect" by AFI

BYE!!!!!!!!! 

I don't even know anymore

HEY!!!!!!!!!!
I want first to share my sadness and horror at the massacre in Newton, CT. I heard that the shooter was considered a "goth", and want to say HE WAS NOT. Goths wouldn't act like this, so don't associate a murderer with us true goths. I just want to be clear on that. Alright, now I'll get back to the normal shit I talk about here. Jack called last night, overwhelmingly happy, because they've got their record deal. I'm still kind of absorbing it. I can't believe it's really happening, I'm both happy for them and terrified of what this might mean for my friendships with Jack and Mike. I know I'm being selfish, but I don't care. I was incredibly glad that we could still talk about normal shit, too; like how much he loved the copy of "The Dark Knight Rises" someone got him as an early Christmas present. We were kind of nerding out after that, and it made me so happy. I just don't want these things to change, that's all. I can't tell you how happy I was just hearing his voice, you know? I got more praise at work last week, my boss said I'm "fabulous". It's nice to be praised and appreciated, but it'd be nice to get paid more, too. ^_~ I also despreately fucking want to go back to Japan, so much so that it's almost unbearable. I kind of feel like this might be something I need to do while I still have the chance and am young and unattached. Then, I think it might just be that I'm running away from my responsibilities here. I admit that I do feel a little overwhelmed by things sometimes, my family to be more specific. Mom and Mark call almost every day, and it gets to be a little much when all I want to do is relax when I come home and they're calling and bickering over stupid shit and expecting me to somehow sort it out for them. That is really not my responsibility, right? Those 2 are exactly the same, each always has to be right and then they drag me into it to be their referee. I'm sorry, I know I've bitched about this before, but it still bugs the shit out of me. It went fairly well working for my client who just got out of the hospital, it was good to see she's getting a little better at least. A phsical therapist had to come in and help me a lot, though. I wasn't going to be moving her at all without checking to see that it wouldn't hurt her, you know? I really am trying to do my best with everything, it's just so hard to juggle it all sometimes. I'm also going to miss the hell out Jack for that reason, he made me feel more relaxed. I guess that's really all there is for now. Thanks for reading, love guys. ^_^ 
Today's song is "Forever and a day" by AFI

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Back in black, lol

HEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm glad to be back again. I'm not really feeling any better today. The one good thing I can say is that hearing from Mike this morning cracked me up. He was being so funny and cute. I'm glad to see he and Jack doing so well. The fact remains that I miss the shit out of both of them. I love it when he and Jack let their nerdy sides show around me, it makes me feel like less of a nerd. I heard from that guy, Steven, again. He sends me these messages every God damn day. I just seem to have the habit of attracting the guys I don't want while the one guy I want to be with is most likely going to slip through my fingers. It's funny, Jack looks a lot like that when he plays. ^_^ I wish I hadn't been such a fucking wuss and told him how I felt over a year ago, when I had the chance. I knew pretty quickly how I felt and should have told him. I know I only have myself to blame for this, but IT SUCKS. How could I have made such a fucking mess of things? How many guys like that do you think I'm going to find? That was a once in a lifetime opportunity, and I fucking blew it. After knowing him for a few months, I knew I liked him. Now, it's almost been 3 years and it's too late. I'm not going to let myself be distracted by him at work tomorrow, I can't afford to. I'm going to help Mark with his English homework today, though I don't think he really needs my help and just wants to hang out. I guess that's about it for right now. I want to say thanks again for letting me vent.
Today's song is "A devil for me" by Black Veil Brides
BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I need a hug

HEY!!!!!!
I really feel like I need a hug right now. I'm really happy and really sad at the same time. I'm happy because things are going amazing at work for myself and Jack; and sad that I haven't seen him in months already. His band's probably going to have a record deal by the end of this year, which is amazing. I'm terrified once he's all famous, he'll forget me. I still find it fucking incredible that I even know this guy, to be honest with you. I can't believe we met almost 3 years ago. I find it kind of sad that the best I can hope for is a raise at work while when he works, he gets people cheering for him and girls falling all over themselves for him. How is it that I still feel unworthy of him? I don't even know. I had to be really happy and encouraging when he and Mike called to tell me about it, but I sincerely hope they don't know I was kind of faking it for their sakes. I'm afraid to lose more friends, and I don't know if they really understand how much their friendship and mere presence in my life has meant to me. I also feel like a sad little woman who has nothing but work in her life, and neglects everyone and everything she truly cares about for its sake. I feel like I should go to Japan and visit my cousin who's working there, but I know I can't. The client I told you about who got into a horrible accident is home now, and I'm going to be working for her again Monday. Obviously, I couldn't leave someone who just got out of the hospital.>_>  I miss my family, too. Mark is kind of pissed that I told him I could only help him with his homework once a week, I'm just too God damn busy. He has a right to be angry, believe me. I promised him I'd help, and don't want to flake out on him like this. I think I'm going to have a problem with that guy I told you about last time, who sent me that message on Facebook. I get a new message from him every day, and I keep telling him I'm not interested. I feel like it was a mistake to contact him at all, I need to quit doing that. I guess all it takes to make a guy think I'm interested is sending him a friend request on FB. I knew he had something of a crush on me in high school, but that was such a long fucking time ago I thought he definitely would have moved on by now. I don't feel like I'm worth waiting 8 years for, you know? I guess that's really it for right now. Thanks for letting me vent again, love you guys.
Today's song is  "People=shit" by Slipknot
BYE!!!!!!!!!!!! 

The drama continues......

HEY!!!!!!!
First of all, THANK YOU to my newest followers, I love you all. I've had another unbelievable week, it's been crazy. I friended one of my former classmates on Facebook a couple of days ago, and yesterday when I came home I got this message from him that kind of creeped me out. He said"I've always had I crush on you, I was so happy when you sent me the friend request. Do you want to go out sometime?" I had to reject him, but this is getting to be too much. One of my cousins who's working in Japan right now actually invited me to come and see him, but I also had to tell him no. I'm so jealous of him, I've been bitching a lot lately about how much I want to go to Japan again. I WILL go back, if I can ever get the time off work. I was actually asked if I want more clients, and I had to decline for my own good. I never seem to have any time to myself anymore, even for little things like this. I've been working so hard and so much lately, it feels like I do nothing else. I can't believe this has become my life, you know? I'm very tempted to just sit here and wallow in self-pity right now, but I won't. I heard from Jack, he's so excited that he gets to play where some of his favorite bands have played. It was difficult being sad when I talked to him, it usually is. I miss the hell out of him, though. I got to see Cory a few times this week, and he seems all right. I just wish I could quit worrying so much about him doing something else to get himself in trouble again. I hate that he always tells me not to worry when he knows that's all I do.On the plus side, I did get some praise at work; my boss said I'm "amazing." I couldn't help but be happy about that. ^_^  I have a good work ethic and I don't fuck around at work, that's all it is. Cassie got really mad at Cory when she found out he'd gotten in trouble, she started yelling at him and said" How is it that everyone in this family's got their shit together but you?" She hasn't talked to him since, and won't until he gets his life together, she says. That must be difficult for them, they were really close not too long ago. Mom says she stays up and worries about him at night, which (obviously) is bad. I can't believe it's already December, this year just seems to be running away from me. I guess that's really it for today. I just needed to vent a bit, and this has become my place to do that.
Today's song is "Kasumi" by Dir en grey

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lonely.....

HEY!!!!
I needed to add something with a summer vibe to this entry, I'm so tired of being cold already. I am truly feeling lonely again, though I probably shouldn't. I really missed Danny, Cassie, and Cory on Thanksgiving. I know Cory thinks I'm clingy, but I love him and I don't think it's fair that I didn't get to see most of my family on one of the few days of the year we're supposed to be together. I heard from Jack and Mike again, too. They're doing fine, though they're just as cold as I am right now. I kind of hate how everyone reacts so much when I talk about the weight I've lost, but when I just want to talk they barely react at all. How unfair is that? What's funny is that I don't really care about the weight I've lost anymore. It's hardly the most important thing about me, and I wish they'd quit treating it like it is. I know I've said this before, but I think it bares repeating. I'm glad I at least got calls from my brothers and sister on Thanksgiving. ^_^  I do understand that Danny and Cassie had to work, but it still sucks. I need to write to my grandma and aunt in Austria today, they've been practically begging my family to come over there all year. I think we might finally make it there next year. I understand that they love us and want to see us, but it's so far to travel, not to mention expensive if everyone goes. I miss them too, and my favorite cousin. I talked with Danny about Dad yesterday, after Dad called me. He said he's doing well, and that he just wanted to give me good news. I talked to Danny about our feelings about dad though, and we're both still incredibly resentful and bitter towards him. At least Danny understands and shares my feelings, you know? I kind of feel like he's the only one who could. I really wanted to hug him and thank him for understanding me and listeniing to me.  ^_^ I guess that's really it for right now, thanks again for reading.
Today's song is "Cemetary gates" by Pantera

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks ^_^

HEY!!!!!!!!!
Happy Thanksgiving to you all, and thanks for reading. I love you guys for reading my posts, I really do. I'm also immensely grateful for my amazing family and friends, all of whom I love very much. I'm particularly grateful for Mom, Mark, Danny, Cory, Cassie, Jack, Mike, Sarah, Megan Angela,, and Rachel. My family and some of my best friends.^_^  I wonder if Jack is lonely today, even with his bandmates. I'm sure he misses his parents and brother. He's still doing well, though I haven't heard from him in a day or so. He said the last place they played was a hell of a lot of fun though, and seems really happy. I'm going to have faith that nothing too bad's happened to him in the 24 hours I haven't spoken to him. Cory's out of jail, and I was really glad when he texted me to let me know he's all right. He knows I worry. I'm still kind of torn between being mad at him for being stupid, and feeling bad that he had to go to jail. Yes, I know he broke the law, but he's only hurting himself. I really don't want to watch my little brother drink himself into the same shitty state my dad's in, though. I feel kind of like I lost my dad because of drinking, and I don't want to lose my brother. I wish he'd quit drinking, he'd be so much better off. I've tried to make that point to him so many times, and it's useless unless he realizes it himself. I'm just afraid he'll realize it too late. I got used to my dad not being around, I don't think I could get used to Cory not being around. I grew up with him, I helped take care of him, you know? I think I need to change subjects here, this is getting kind of maudlin. I saw Craig again on Tuesday, and he had that eager puppy look in his eyes when he talked to me again. How many times do I have to say "no" before it really sinks in? >_> I specifically said we could be friends, friends. I hate to be mean, but I think I'll have to. I guess that's really it for right now. Thanks again for reading.
Today's song is "Thank you for the venom" by My Chemical Romance

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!

Crazy week......again

HEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What an unbelievably busy week, holy shit. I just heard from Jack a little while ago, everything's fine and it's beautiful where he is. I'd be lying if I said I weren't relieved to hear that. Cory's still in jail, we all talked it out and decided the best thing for him right now is to let him dry out and think about what he did. He's safe, in a cell by himself since this is a little city and there isn't a lot of crime. I really wish I could help more but I can't do anything; he's got to realize himself that he needs to quit drinking. It feels wrong though, thinking of my little brother locked up. I'm glad at least he isn't a bad person, he just does stupid things. I'm looking forward to my vacation on Thursday and Friday, my first 4 day weekend in years it feels like. Mark said the same thing, poor kid really hates school. Happy Thanksgiving in advance, in case I don't get the chance to say it on Thursday. I really hope it's a good day, though it won't be the same without Cory. I'm feeling kind of lonely right now, even though I just talked to Jack, Sarah, and a lot of my other friends. I miss Cory and Mark, too. I at least got to text Danny today. ^_^ I love my brothers.^_^  I don't know, I just hope all my family and friends know how much I love them, even if I don't always show it like I should. On a different note, I've officially lost 80 pounds. It was hilarious watching my friends' reactions, they acted like I won the fucking Nobel Prize or something. I admit it's fairly impressive, but not to the point that they made it seem. I don't know, it doesn't seem fair to congratulate me so much for something that isn't nearly as impressive as what other people do without any congratulations. Cassie and he best friend made it home safely from Italy, with some amazing pictures. ^_^ I love my sister, too. ^_^    I'm working well with Jessica, and it doesn't seem like she's going anywhere anytime soon, so it seems like we'll continue to make a good team for a while. I'm glad. I guess that's really all there is for now. Thanks for getting me past the 30,000 pageview mark. Love you guys!!!
Today's song is "Prelude 12/21" by AFI

BYE!!!!!!!!

Busiest week ever

HEY!!!!!!!!
I'm so sorry for not writing here yesterday, but I can't seem to control my own life very well at all anymore. It seems like almost everyone I've talked to is in a shitty mood, too. Jack, Megan, and Sarah are the all too welcome exceptions. I talked to Jack yesterday, it's crazy that he'd call me from halfway across the country; but I'm so glad that he did. I love this guy. I'm freezing right now it's officially snowed for the first time here, and I hate it. Jack was being really cute and funny again, I can't believe I won't see him face to face again for months. I MISS HIM!!!!!!!!!! That's the good part of yesterday; sadly there's also a bad part. Danny's birthday was on Friday and as he was coming home the weather got really bad, and he almost got hit by an oncoming car. Cory also got a DUI, it seems this isn't his first offense so he's in jail. This is why I didn't write yesterday. >_> I'm more glad than I can properly express that both my brothers are all right, but I'm also very mad at Cory for being so stupid. He'd just gotten a new job, and totally fucked it up. He was supposed to show up for his shift at 10:00 yesterday, but couldn't because he's in jail. Obviously, he's fired. I can't believe it. Cory is a smart guy, so I don't understand why he makes such stupid choices. I can't believe his stupid drinking's finally led to this. I fucking told him so many times not to do this, and he totally ignores me. I could've bailed him out of jail, but it wouldn't help. He's been drinking and driving a lot and if I bailed him out he'd just do it again. I feel kind of like I'm abandoning him, but at the same time, I don't know what else to do. He's got to learn to deal with what he did if he did something wrong, right? I sound just like our mom, lol. He called her, Danny, and I for help. I'm sorry, I just don't know what to do. I think I need to go to a more upbeat subject. Cassie is having a lot of fun with her best friend, and I'm so glad for both of them. I guess that's really it for right now. Thanks for getting me past the 29,000 pageview mark. Love you guys. ^_^
Today's song is "The heretic anthem" by Slipknot

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Free time..holy shit

HEY!!!!!!!!!
I finally have some time to write again and am more than happy to sit down and do it. I miss Jack like crazy, and he's going to be gone for months still.  I almost don't know what to do with the little free time I find myself with now. I'm so glad my computer's working, it honestly felt kind of weird without it. Jack was being amazingly cute again, I love his sense of humor. He and Cassie are both doing well, though I hate that they're not here with me. It probably shouldn't make me so happy just to think about Jack, but I can't really help that it does. Sarah is okay, though she told me she's moving as soon as her divorce is finalized. I hate that she won't live so close anymore, and think I should have made more time to hang out with her when I had the chance. I don't really understand why she's leaving and James gets to stay here, either. Shit, I feel guilty for not spending more time with Sarah. On a totally different subject; I feel tired today, but not to the point that I can't stand it. Over all, this hasn't been a terrible week (so far) and I'm really glad for that. I guess that's really all there is for right now. I think an anime break is in order for me. Thanks for reading, I love you guys.
Today's song is" Unbroken" by Black Veil Brides

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Changes....

HEY!!!!!!
I've kind of promised myself I'd at least update this on the weekends, since I really don't think I'll have time during the week when I work. I was up very late last night talking to Sarah, it seems she's divorcing her husband. They got into an argument, and he started beating her up. I can't stand this, you guys. That just reminds me so much of what was going on with my parents. I told her exactly what I would have told Mom if I'd been old enough; leave his stupid ass. It's funny; I was friends with her husband James, first. I've known him since grade school, and didn't think he was capable of doing anything like that. I guess I don't know him as well as I thought. I can't believe someone my age is about to have her fourth divorced friend. Seriously, we're all in our 20s, it seems kind of sad. I hope Sarah will be all right raising 3 kids on her own. I definitely believe she'll be better off without James though, now that I know what was really going on between them. She said it wasn't the first time he'd beaten her, it was just the first time she said anything about it and she's not going to take his shit anymore. I'm proud of her, but it must be terrifying for her to think that she'll be raising 3 kids alone on a very tight budget now. I wonder how many times he hit her before she decided enough was enough. She kicked him out, and I think later I'm going to go check on her. I can at least offer a shoulder to cry on, and a sympathetic ear. This is really sad, I thought they were (mostly) happy. I guess that's all there is for now. Thanks for reading.
Today's song is "Friday I'm in love" by The Cure

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Quick update ^_^

HEY!!!!!!
I want to say again that I'm sorry for not keeping this up as well as I should. I didn't even bring up everything that's been going on, so I have good reason(or a good excuse) for not being here more often. I went to the hospital to see the lady I told you guys about, and it looks like she's going to be okay in time. I'm sorry I missed Halloween, but my laptop got a virus  and I had to take it in for repairs. Jack's Halloween show was amazing, I loved every time that smile of his crept across his face when he wasn't screaming of growling. I just love him, I can't help it. He and his band mates left for their tour early this morning, I miss Jack already. I hate that I'm going to be away from him for such a long time. He was being really cute, saying that everyone (including me) should text him while he's gone, which I'm totally going to do. I'm talking like his girlfriend when I'm not again, sorry. School is going fairly well for Mark, academically at least. He still hates being there with the stupid kids who give him shit all the time. He was having some trouble with math, but I think his teacher helped him with that. He came over yesterday after I talked to Jack for a while, and we played XBOX together for over an hour.  I forgot how fun it could be since I haven't played in a long time. Cassie and her best friend are going to Italy and leaving tomorrow, I can't believe it. They're going to Florence and Rome. It's going to be awesome, since Cassie's best friend hasn't left the country before. I'm also fucking dying to go back to Japan. I will, I just don't yet know when. I've been working so much that I can barely think straight; I'm going to need a vacation sooner rather than later, I think. I got a really sweet text from Corey last night, too. He said "I love you, thanks for always being there for me." It was especially amazing because it was unexpected. ^_^ I feel very loved right now. I'm also glad Corey doesn't think I just nag him all the time without reason, and finally appreciates my efforts to help and portect him. I fully admit I go a little overboard, but it's very rare that I care that much about someone else. I feel protective of Jack, too. These next months without him are going to be hellish, I'm still going to think about him regardless of how busy I am with everyone and everything else in my life. He better not forget about me. Okay, enough prattle about my non boyfriend. Everything is going well with Mike and Mark and their respective girlfriends, and I'm really glad for them. I guess that's really about it for right now. I guess that's about it for everything that's gone on this week. Thanks for reading, and getting past the 28,000 pageview mark so quickly. LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!!! 
Today's song is "The beautiful people" by Marylin Manson

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FINALLY back again, sorry

HEY!!!!!!!
I'm really sorry for not writing more. I swear to God if I had more time, I'd be here every day. I met with my newest client on Thursday. I'm fighting the cold virus pretty well, it seems. I'm trying to take it easier this weekend, but have already been harangued by Jack and Mark for failure to spend enough time with both of them. >_> I had to (finally) tell Jack that I'm going to his Halloween show, but not the show in Texas a few weeks later. I thought it would be a good compromise, and he wasn't happy with it. What the hell do I do, then? I can't just follow him around, I won't be that girl. Especially because he doesn't even want to be a real couple so far as I can tell. Mark called and said "I never get to see my Angie anymore." That's incredibly sweet, but totally not true. I call him or he calls me every day and I see him at least twice a week when I help him with his homework. Again, what do I do? I feel like I've given both of them just about all there is left to give of myself, you know? I don't know what more I can give. Maybe the problem is that they both have such tight holds on my heart, and I really hate to refuse them anything within reason. I hate that I feel like I'm trying so hard and still failing. I told Mark to come over in about an hour, and I called Jack to ask if he wants to just chat or something. I am trying, I swear to God. I came into work on Wednesday morning to hear that one of favorite clients got into a car accident over the weekend; she has bad eye sight and really shouldn't have been driving at all. It turns out she hit a tree, then a building, and broke her neck bone. There wasn't any nerve damage or damage to her spinal column, but it's still pretty fucked up. I'm going to the hospital tomorrow to check on her. I feel like it's partially my fault, I usually drive her around when I'm taking care of her. I wish she'd asked me to take her somewhere rather than try to go herself. I'm hoping she's going to be alright eventually. I guess that's really all there is for right now. Thanks for reading, and again I'm sorry for being so stingy with the updates lately.
Today's song is "A Devil for me" by Black Veil Brides

BYE!!!!!!!!!!

Sick (again)

HEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm back again, and home because I'm sick. I can't believe my body keeps giving out on me this way. >_> I'm supposed to meet with yet another new client on Thursday, and hope I can actually make it. I really don't know if I try to do too much or if I'm just weak, but it pisses me off that every few weeks or every month or so I get sick. I keep hearing from Jack that he wants me at this Halloween show, he even said "Please come out and see me." Dad is doing alright, and I haven't heard from Trevor again, thank God. I think it would drive me fucking crazy if Trevor were still around, I really just want him to leave me alone. I know I really can't just ignore Jack, but I can't ignore Mark if he really needs help studying, either. I could tell him that for that one day he should just ask his teachers for help if there's something he doesn't understand. That doesn't seem too harsh, right? I think I have a right to live my own little life and not have my family butting in at every God damn turn. Again, it's not that I don't want them in my life, but I don't think they need to be around all the time and meddling in my business. Besides I'm not a teacher, I'm not going to be able to explain every little thing to Mark like his teachers would. Thanks for getting me past the 26,000 pageveiw mark, holy shit. I think that's about it for right now.  Today's song is "Dig up her bones" by The Mistfits

BYE!!!!!!!  

What a week..fml

HEY!!!!!!
Sorry I haven't been here this week at all. I'm afraid it's only going to get worse. My dad had a second heart attack; again a minor one. He said he's fine, but he's going to have to take the doctor's advice seriously now. He's also on 3 new kinds of medicine that he hates. I can't help but think he could have avoided this if he'd fucking taken my advice and eaten the vegetarian meals I made him while he was here; I did try to influence him in a positive way, too. He's also really got to quit drinking and smoking, which is going to be difficult for him. I'm worried that he's not going to take care of himself if he doesn't have someone watching out for him. A tiny part of me wants to say "Fuck him, he never took care of you"; and another part of me thinks it would be kind of cruel to just leave him on his own. I don't really know what to do, you know? I don't think I could leave my life here behind to go take care of him. I'd do it for Mom who actually took care of me, but I have trouble convincing myself I'd do it for Dad. On top of all this, I've been trying to help Mark out with his homework as much as possible, and every day Jack asks "Are you coming to this show?"  He even called, which is kind of amazing. I check my messages after work on Thursday, and hear "Hey, what's up? It's Jack, and I was just wondering how you're doing and if you're going to come out to our Halloween show. It's going to kick ass." I admit, that was awesome. I really wanted him to call me, and he's one of the few guys I'd willingly give out my number to. I just don't really know if I'll have time if I'm helping  Mark. I did say I should make Jack more of a priority, didn't I? I should take that day off as Mark's tutor and go hang out with Jack and Mike. Here we go again with the tug of war between 2 people I love. What the hell do I do? I guess that's it for right now. Thanks again for reading.
Today's song is "Drag the waters" by Pantera

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!   

invitation #12...holy shit

HEY!!!!!!!!!

I'm back again, and hate to say this, but I might not be back until next weekend. I'm not going anywhere, I'll just be working my fucking ass off again all week. I did want to mention that I got yet another invitation to another of Jack's shows. Sadly, this show is in Texas, and that's way too far to go, even for him. I should be happy he wants me around and all that shit, and I am on some level, but he also wants a lot of other people, mostly girls, around. I'd be so fucking happy if he just wanted to watch TV or let me watch him practice or something like that. I know that sounds like stuff that might be kind of boring, but it's not for me. I don't know if  he thinks that stuff sounds too much like a "couple's" activity and that's why he doesn't often ask me to do it, but I wish he would. I kind of gather he's still not really into me and that's why he usually hesitates to get too close, he doesn't want to make me think he really reciprocates my feelings. Yet, he doesn't totally exclude me from his life, and at times really wants me around. I don't fucking get it. Am I just being strung along because he knows how I feel about him and that I don't want to give up on him? God, I fucking hope not. I had a decent time with Cassie yesterday, on a totally different subject. She seemed genuinely happy to see me, but I don't know much I can trust that. We had some kick ass homemade veggie stir-fry, that I made.  She didn't stay here last night though; she went over to see Cory and stayed at his place. I guess that's really all there is for today. Thanks for reading, love you guys. ^_^
Today's song is "Kirisute gomen" by  Trivium

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

Invitation #11 ^_^

HEY!!!!!!!!
I've had another really long but interesting week. As you might have guessed if you've read some of my previous posts, Jack's invited me to another of his shows. I can't believe he's invited me to that many shows. I'm happy, don't get me wrong; I'm just afraid I'm going to have to shoot him down again. It also kind of bugs me knowing he's invited hundreds of other girls who look just like me, and could probably take his pick of most of them. >_> At least this show is on a fucking Friday night, good timing for once. I really want to watch them play again, and just see Jack's face again. I really want to be special to Jack, because he makes me feel special. I really don't feel like that though, with the knowledge that hundreds of other girls just like me are going to be there fawning over him even more than I am. I fucking hate this, I don't know what else to say. I also think I know him a lot better than most of these other girls, and understand him better. I don't know, I just think it has to mean something when we've felt and thought the exact same things at the exact same time so often.  He can be so oblivious sometimes, especially after I finally told him how I feel. Okay, if that's really how I feel maybe I should suggest that we do something else, more one on one. I did say here a while ago that I don't give a shit what we do together, so long as we do it together, right? Okay, enough about him for right now. Cassie's coming down to see me today, and might be spending the night on my couch again. It's fine if she does, but she damn well better be nice to me. I'm obviously not over being a stand-in for someone else. Maybe I just get hurt too easily. I know I take a lot of things too seriously and personally, but I can't help it. I guess it's water under the bridge now, but I was still really hurt by it. Okay, another new subject. I've been working my ass off this week again, and am really enjoying sitting here and writing and drinking coffee. I really like Jessica, the new girl I've been working with. She and I both have the same intense kind of work ethic, and I'm glad. I'd like to go to Jack's show just to blow off some steam, to be honest. I think he at least senses when I need that, the invitations always come at the right time. I have to admit, I have a great time dancing singing and cheering at his shows. Okay, another random change of subject. Mark and his girlfriend are doing well, so far. I hope it works out for him. I guess that's really it for right now.  Thanks again for reading, and checking out my pictures. Love you guys. ^_^
Today's song is " This time imprefect" by AFI

BYE!!!!!!

Back again

HEY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm glad to be back again, I really want to keep this thing going. I find it very funny that I was just talking about Mark and Mike in my entry yesterday, and Mike contacts me not 2 hours later. His girlfriend is super cute, and they look so happy together. Mark also told me that he has a girlfriend, or at least he thinks he does. He's worried that the girl he likes is a couple of years younger than he is, but I told him it's really not such a big deal. They're still getting to know each other, and nothing's really definite yet. It's funny that he didn't think any girls liked him, yet this one actually asked him out. I told you he'd make an awesome boyfriend. ^_~ I guess that's really it for today, I have to get going.
Today's song is "On the arrow" by AFI

BYE!!!!

Blah...

HEY!!!!!!!!!!
I'm really enjoying this weekend, I can't tell you how awesome it is to just sit here and drink coffee. I needed the break again, I can't help it. I'm also really looking forward to Jack's Halloween show. I'm glad to a very pathetic extent just to see him again. I really hope I don't hear anything else from Trevor, I don't want to have to call the cops. It's a huge relief to have Mark here with me right now, I feel safer. He's also an incredibly fucking sweet kid; he had some soup made for me when I got home from work on Friday, and I couldn't resist giving him a big hug. I needed that in a big way, believe me. He was so happy to see me, and said he came over right after school let out. I hate how traits like this are why he gets made fun of at school, though. He's a good person for fuck's sake. I know he doesn't want to go back to school tomorrow, any more than I want to go back to work. He reminds me here again of Mike, he always does shit like that for his girlfriend when he's here. Mark's going to be an amazing boyfriend when he finds a girl, believe me. I've trained him well, lol. I wish Camron had been that kind of boyfriend when he didn't want something from me, you know? Okay, enough about my mistakes with guys. I'm really sorry I haven't been here very much lately, I've been so fucking busy. I can promise to try to be here more often, but I can't guarantee I'll keep those promises. I really will try, though. Thanks again for reading, love you guys.
Today's song is " Weak and powerless" by A Perfect Circle

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!