Back yet again

HEY!!!
Good morning, you guys. I'm glad to say both Jack and Mark are doing a little better today, and are happier now. I'm so glad they didn't have this shit as long as I did, it was horrible. I'm finally feeling better myself, which I shouldn't neglect to mention. really hope this coming week will be better than the last. I'm sorry if I don't have a lot to talk about today, I've mostly just bee feeling shitty and wishing I could feel better all week. I did get in a fight with Cassie yesterday, which saddens me because I really thought she and I were making progress in our relationship .She wants us all to go out and have lunch tomorrow , and she expects me to make the reservation, invite everyone, and tell them when to be there. I told her I wasn't her secretary, and she could do all this shit herself. I think that's really it for right now. Thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is "Welcome Home (sanitarium)", by Metallica
BYE!!!!!!!

 

I'm so sick

HEY!!!!
Good morning, you guys. I'm still kind of sick, though improving. This is one hell of a cold, you guys, I'm fairly sure I gave my cold to Jack and mark, to make things worse. I feel terrible, I didn't realize I was contagious at the time, and now they both feel like shit and are none too happy with me. I think I can partially blame this on my job, since you're fucking bound to get sick taking care of other people who are sick and old, and partially on myself for not taking proper fucking care of myself. I seriously get an average of about 5 to 5.5 hours of sleep a night anymore, which is not enough and definitely not healthy. I hope they'll both be feeling better soon, and am really sorry I got them sick. I miss Becky, Jack, and Mike already. I at least got to text with Cassie this morning, which was good. Cory told me yesterday that he and one other person in his AA group are the only ones who haven't slipped up and started drinking again since they began AA. I'm very proud of him and sincerely hope he keeps this up. I knew he could do it, he just needed to want to do and find his own motivation. I have to say that things are going at least a little better with my dad, we can have fairly decent conversations, finally. I think that's really it for right now. Since I've been sick most of this week, I've just been reading, writing, watching t v, and playing xbox. Thank you very much for reading.
Today's song is "Sweet Blasphemy" by Black Veil Brides.
BYE!!!!

Serious conversations with my boys

HEY!!!!!!
Good morning, you guys. I know I said I wouldn't be here during the week, but I came down with something and am home sick. I'm really not even going to get into this right now, as I have more important things to talk about. I was talking to Jack and Mike again, and the conversations got really dark and serious really quickly. Mike told me his grandpa was hit by a car and died soon after, while he, Jack, and the guys were playing a show. I feel so horrible for him, I really hate to see him go through this. He isn't the first friend I've tried to help through a loss, but it's pretty difficult doing this again. I hate seeing other people in pain, remember? I just wish this had never happened. Mike said he didn't get to tell his grandpa goodbye or anything, and just kind of assumed he'd still be here when he got home. I'm glad at least he has his family, friends, and girlfriend to help him through this. I hope he'll be all right. Jack's birthday is coming up very soon, and he was saying he doesn't want to get older, it kind of scares him. He also said he misses the simplicity of his teenage years, when all he had to do was keep his room clean, do his homework, and practice guitar. I kind of have to agree with him in a way; though my teenage years weren't perfect, either. He said if you fuck up as a kid, everyone says "He's just a kid, give him a break." If you fuck up as an adult, however, you're in deep shit for minor things sometimes. I think a lot of people who've grown up wish they could be kids again once they find out how difficult life as an adult can be. Jack also did something I think was really amazing. At their last show, he was told about a kid how was bullied so much he decided to take his own life. As it turns out, some of the bullies were at the show, and Jack called them out for what they did to this kid. He didn't get violent or angry, he was actually just very calm and cogent. I was really proud of him for standing up for someone who can't stand up for himself anymore. Once again, I have to say, I love these guys!!!! There's a reason I'm friends with them. I think that's it for now. Thanks a lot for reading, love you guys.

Today's song is " Ballad of the refugee" by Rise Against
BYE!!!!

 

I'm so tired...

HEY!!!!!!!
Good morning, everyone. Your faithful nerd/goth girl blogger is back. ^_^ I had one hell of day yesterday, honestly one of the greatest of my life. It was so good to see Becky again, and she and Cassie got along fairly well.

I just hope they'll continue to get along like that, it was really good to see. I thought it was fair for me to introduce Cassie to some of my friends, since I know a lot of her friends. I have to say the show that Megan and I went to after all that was great, too. I think it's time now to take a little break and write. I'm a little worried about Jack drinking, again. I know he tells me not to worry and all that, but I can't help it. I've seen what it's done to my grandpa, dad, and brother. Do you really think I want that to happen to someone who's not only my friend, but the man I love? Drinking basically killed my grandpa, is going to kill my dad if he doesn't stop, and would have killed Cory too, if he hadn't quit. There's a very good reason I'm Straight Edge, you guys. I just don't want anything bad to happen to him, least of all if it's something that can be avoided. I think that's about it for today. Thanks a lot for reading.
Today's song is "Freak on a leash" by Korn
BYE!!!!!!

Good night!!

HEY!!!
Good morning, you guys. I've been on the phone so much between last night and this morning, I'm just waiting for Cassie and Becky to tell me they're ready to go. I'm really excited to see Becky again for the first time in years. It was fucking great to see Jack and Mike again last night, though it didn't really seem to last long enough to me. I missed them so much, Jack especially.

He seemed so happy yesterday, and not at all like the miserable guy working some job he hated just to pay the bills like he was when I first met him. I'm so proud of him and happy for him. I'm unfortunately still the girl working some job she hates just to pay the bills like I was when he first met me. He did say his time working his mundane job wasn't all bad, he got to meet some kick ass people. ^_~  He brought me an advance copy of their upcoming album as kind of a gift, and I fucking love it already. He and the guys have done an amazing job. I was kind of nervous after not seeing them face to face for a while, but before too long, it was like they'd never left. I was really particular about my clothes, hair, and nails when I went to see Jack and Mike, but now that Cassie, Becky, and I are going swimming later, it's going to be ruined. I'm excited about that, though. Cassie was proposing we go on a beach trip in a couple weeks, and I really don't know if I want to go. I got sun burned pretty badly just jogging last weekend, and I don't think I want to expose myself to any more sun than I really have to. I told Cassie about my sunburn and she laughed and said "You God damn goth kids, not using sunscreen." For the record, I did use sunscreen, it just didn't work. I guess that's really it for right now, thank you so much for reading. I'm going to be crazy busy next week, so I probably won't write at all during the week.
Today's song is "Perfect Weapon" by Black Veil Brides
BYE!!!!

Happy, but overwhelmed

HEY!!!!!!!!!

Good morning, you guys. I know I tend to bitch a lot in this blog about how things tend to happen all at once for me and I don't like it, but there's a reason for that. Jack, Becky, and Cassie all surprised me by saying they'll be in town Friday night and Saturday morning, and that we need to hang out. I'm fucking ecstatic to hear from them, especially Jack.

I believe I might have mentioned a few times how much I miss him. ^_~ I had no idea he and Mike were coming back for a little bit, and wish they'd told me. I'm so happy, I can't even tell you. I think I'll hang out with them first, then go see Becky and Cassie. This is awesome!!!!! I'm starting to get excited and can't wait for tomorrow night. I hate that yet again I have to allot everyone just a little time, and can't give them all the time and attention I know they deserve. I think I might go swimming with Cassie and Becky, if they're up for it at all. I think it'd be kind of fun, having one of my best friends and my little sister get to know each other. I hope they get along, if we do all just go swimming. I know they're pretty different people, but the should be able to find some common ground somehow. I mean, if Cassie and I can do it, anyone can. I hope this is one of the best weekends of my life, as it seems it's going to be. I think going to a show Saturday night will kick ass, too. I'm going to be fucking exhausted by Sunday, but this is going to be one hell of a weekend. I'm praying work will be over quickly tomorrow. Speaking of which, I better get my ass out of here. Thank you very much for reading, I love you guys.
Today's song is " Morningstar" by AFI
BYE!!!!

Weird conversations with my boys pt. 2

HEY!!!!!!
I had some more interesting conversations with my boys last night, they definitely managed to put a smile on my face. I was quoting one Jack's favorite movies while chatting with him on Facebook chat, and we both started laughing. God, I miss his laugh and smile. It isn't really the same if he just says lol, you know? I think he's going to be fine, assuming he doesn't get drunk off his ass again. The problem with that is I don't know if I can trust him to do that, and I know he doesn't always tell me how much he's had to drink. Like I said yesterday, he tells me not to worry and I nag him like I'm his girlfriend even though I'm not. Do we have a weird fucking relationship or what?

It was nice to laugh with him again, even if I didn't get to see the smile lighting up his gorgeous face. He's so excited to get out and play again today, he'll probably get up earlier than the rest of the guys and start practicing. I at least have to give him credit for not fucking around when it comes to his music. I was talking to Jamie about Dir En Grey's new mini album "The Unraveling", and how good it is. We both kind of agreed that a new full album would be awesome, but it's not going to happen any time soon. We got to talking about the picture books that Kyo is putting out soon, and debating if we'll buy them(if we can find them.) I might quite honestly, just because Dir En Grey is one of my favorite bands. I really like that I have at least him to talk to about this shit, no one else I know really gets why I'm into Japanese music. It helps that he speaks a bit of Japanese, too. ^_~ It's nice to have that connection, you know? I should probably switch to a different (less happy) subject now, because it's something that bothers me. I have people making assumptions and misconceptions about me all the time because of how I look. I've been called a witch, had people think I was a runaway, but I've never been called a groupie until now. >_> It's even worse because my own mom said it. >_> God damn it, mom. She came over kind of unannounced yesterday, while I was chatting with Jack and Jamie, and just made all of these assumptions about what we were talking about and why I was talking to two different guys at the same time. We were just talking, for fuck's sake,. We were talking about their music and shows they're going to play, and she just assumed they were talking to me because they were hoping I'd sleep with them after the shows. >_> Why is it though that that's the assumption whenever a girl is involved with any kind of rock music is talking to a guy in a band, that that's all they want from her? We have common interests and similar senses of humor, and it makes me feel like less of a freak to talk to people who understand me at all. It never occurred to her that these guys might feel isolated and weird too, and that talking to someone who's into the same things they are makes them feel better as well. I have to admit, I didn't know she knew that term. I think that's enough for now. Thanks for reading.
Today's song is " Dozing Green" by Dir En Grey
BYE!!!!!!

 

Weekend ^_^

HEY!!!!!
Good morning, everyone. I'm so glad I don't have to go to work again until Monday. I really wish I didn't have to go back at all, but that's beside the point. I had a horrible day at work yesterday and was so fucking busy, I barely had time to breathe and yet still didn't feel like I got as much accomplished as I should have. I really shouldn't complain, I'm sorry. On the plus side, I'm going to watch "The Lone Ranger" on Tuesday after work, and Megan invited me to a show next Saturday night that I think I'll go to. This whole working all the time and doing nothing else thing is bullshit. I know I'm not the only one who feels like this, and that definitely gives me some comfort. I really wish Jack were here to commiserate with me and listen to me bitch about my joclean my place a bitb like I did for him. I wish he were here anyway, but that's also beside the point.

I miss him and Mike to no end, and hate myself for it. I did know that letting Jack go and do his thing would be part of  whatever relationship developed between us, but I didn't realize just how painful his absence would be for me. I hate sitting here like a faithful girlfriend, waiting patiently for him to write, text, or call, when I'm not his girlfriend. I do worry about his drinking, too, though he tells me not to every time I bring it up. I know I'm nagging like a girlfriend when I'm not, but I want him to fucking take care of himself. I just want to be with him, and absolutely hate that he has so much power over me emotionally. I just want him to take good care of the heart I've given him, you know? Once again I feel like I'm a lot more into this relationship than he is. I wouldn't ask anything of him if we were together, I just want him to love me. I have some little shit planned to do today, but nothing major. I plan to do a little exercise for sure.

I really need to start planning my trip to Tokyo for next spring. It'd be amazing to spend my next birthday in Tokyo after spending my last one in London. That's kind of the only thing that makes me feel better about getting older. Holy shit, I think that's exactly what I'm going to do. I just wish it weren't so fucking expensive to go anywhere. Going to Japan was one of the most incredible experiences of my life and worth every God damn penny I spent going though, believe me. I think Mark would actually like to come with me if I let him, though part of me is dying to do some solo travel. I mean, he sure as hell isn't going to want to go shopping with me. He doesn't like going food shopping with me because he says it takes me too long to decide what I want to get. Imagine how much longer it's going to take if I'm looking for music, clothes, makeup, or shoes. The last time I tried taking him shopping with me was a couple years ago, and it didn't go well. We went into the store Jack used to work in because they sell my favorite eyeliner, and Mark chuckled and whispered "You just came in here to see your boyfriend, didn't you?" I was so glad Jack wasn't working that day. I tried explaining to Mark that as a girl, this is just kind of what I do and how I shop, but still seemed to annoy him and I didn't take him shopping with me again. I think that's it for right now. Thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is "Awaken" by Disturbed
BYE!!!

Busy and stressed again

HEY!!!!!!

I know I complain a lot about all the shit I have to do, and I'm sorry, but this week has been particularly bad. I've had so much to do lately that I've barely had time to eat and sleep it seems like. I won't spend this entire time bitching, however. I have been praised again at work, but wonder if it's really worth it. I just feel spread very thin, and I don't like feeling like I can't give everyone and everything my full attention. I've heard from Jack and Mike again, they can be the sweetest guys in the fucking world when they want to.  

 This is the side of them I really wish my family could see more of. Mark and Mom were both teasing me about Jack again, and I absolutely hate that I gave my feelings for him away like that. I have to learn to be more discreet. I miss them both a lot, even though I know they're doing what they love and are very happy to be doing it. I was talking to Jack Monday night on Facebook chat, and actually started crying because I missed him. This is how bad it's gotten, my friends. I was so glad he couldn't hear or see me at that point, I really don't want him to know how his absence effects me. I feel pathetic saying that, but it's the fucking truth. I then got really embarrassed about crying, but it fully still happened. I can't wait until he comes home. I have at least another month of this shit before he comes home, I'm afraid. I've been nervous and worried about work and shit too, and somehow Sarah knew it. She called and said " You seem really stressed lately. Calm down, breathe, and have a cup of tea or something. It can't seriously be all that bad, and you know what stress does to people. Take care of yourself, will you?" I love this girl!! I'm really glad she said that, I needed to hear it. This is why she's one of my best friends in the entire world. I like to think that I'm making some progress with forgiving my dad, and truly hope I am. We're on better speaking terms than we have been in a fucking decade at least, so that's something. It's kind of all this shit "Jack, Dad, friends, and work) coming together at once that hits me, though. Individually, I could handle them, but together they can be a bit intimidating and overwhelming.  I think that's about it for now. Thank you very much for reading.
Today's song is "Blind" by Korn
 BYE!!!!!

 

Good morning!!

HEY!!!
Good morning, you guys. I'm so glad I got to sleep for almost a solid 8 hours last night, I can't tell you how awesome that is. I guess I finally wore myself out enough that my body decided to just make me sleep as long as possible. I feel like I should get something done today or at least go watch "The Lone Ranger", even though I've heard it sucks ass. I don't want to give up on it just yet. I don't know how much I'm going to get done at all today, I'm home so rarely anymore that when I am I tend to be pretty fucking lazy. I want to try asking Jack out again when he gets home, though that thought still scares the ever loving shit out of me. I've decided that if I can't be with him, then I don't want to be with anyone. What's the point of being with a guy you don't love when you could at least try to be with the guy you love, right? I miss the hell out of him again, obviously. My mom was talking about maybe going on another trip in about a month, and was wondering if I want to go. I probably will, just to keep her company, but the only trip I really want to go on right now is to Tokyo. I think she knows I'm not going to be nearly as enthusiastic about this as I am about Tokyo, but I think she also knows I could use another vacation. It's been so busy since we came home from Europe that I feel like it's been a lot longer since we got home and I need another vacation. I know part of the reason I' get so tired is because I wear myself out worrying and freaking out when there's usually no real reason to, which is my own fault, but I can't help it. I hate that I seem to need to be reminded to calm down sometimes. Jack sent me something really interesting yesterday, a guy doing a cover of his vocals on one of their newest songs. He said "Holy shit!! Can you believe this? Someone's covering our song!!" I thought the guy did a good job with the vocals, but it just didn't sound as good because it wasn't coming from Jack. He was still really happy someone was paying attention to their music, of course.
Today's song is "Spit it out" by Slipknot
BYE!!!!!!!!

Jack ;_:

HEY!!!!!!
Good morning, you guys. I miss the hell out of Jack today, even more than usual. I was listening to their new song last night and it made me feel really happy at first, and so proud to even know him. I started feeling really bad knowing he isn't here and seems totally happy thousands of miles away from here. Again, it's just this shitty feeling of missing someone I know doesn't miss me. I love him, and want him to reciprocate, and he isn't going to.

He seems so  perfect and I'm nowhere near perfect, so I can't really blame him for not wanting to settle for a girl like me when he could have a much better girl. I really liked how genuinely happy he seemed when I said I liked his band's music, and how humble and grateful he was that I gave them a chance. He could have been a presumptuous asshole about it and said something like "Yeah, girl; you're going to love us. We're the best band in the world!" I was grateful he didn't go that route, and that we were able to just laugh and chat together for about 20 minutes after he'd convinced me to buy their EP.  I might have started talking to him because he's a gorgeous guy, but that isn't why I'm still in love with him. I love how well he understands me and how much we have in common. I didn't see that coming when I first met him, though that was definitely a pleasant surprise. I'm still so happy to even know him  and to love him, but I wish he felt the same. I really wonder sometimes if at the beginning of our relationship he liked me, but I'm too chickenshit to ask him that. I'm just probably overthinking everything again, but I can't help myself. I hate feeling this vulnerable and weak when it comes to him, I'm totally at his mercy emotionally speaking. I had a bit of crazy non-girlfriend jealousy again yesterday, some girl was bragging on Facebook about how well she knows him, yet she couldn't spell his name right. What the hell is wrong with her? I hate how crazy I get when it comes to him, too. I was listening to their EP again, and am so sure I looked like an idiot. I look like Hachi here every God damn time

 I hear him play, I just can't seem to help it. I wish my emotions didn't play so clearly across my face all the time, he knows the effect he has on me. Okay, I've talked about him this entire time, but I started thinking a lot about him and I and everything that's happened between us since we met. It sucks so much to think the first guy I've really wanted to be with in years doesn't reciprocate my feelings, and most likely never will. I don't know if I kind of set myself up to be hurt again or what, but I don't like how things have turned out here either way. I think that's it for today, thank you so much for reading and getting me past the 55,000 page view mark.
Today's song is "Hear you me" by Jimmy Eat World
BYE!!!!!!!!

 

Happy again ^_^

HEY!!!!!
Good morning, and happy Fourth of July, you guys. I'm in a great mood right now, I was kind of expecting yesterday to be a really shitty day and it actually turned out to be awesome. I hope tomorrow is just as good, though it's going to suck being that busy. I seriously feel like I need another vacation already. I guess I can't complain that things are going well at work but it gets exhausting. One fun thing I really want to do is see "The Lone Ranger" with Johnny Depp.

I just love him, can't help it. I don't have a hell of a lot else fun to look forward to this month, but I'm damn well going to enjoy this. I try to allot at least one fun thing a month so I don't go crazy with all the work and all the bullshit I have to deal with. I get stressed out and worried pretty easily, so this helps a lot. I wish this weren't a problem, but it is. I averted another stupid, petty argument between Mom and Mark, and I'm so tired of being their mediator. I don't know why they can't put their stupid egos aside and just let the little shit go. I'm going to change the subject to something happier now, I went shopping after work and on of the things I bought was a really cute Hetallia sticker. The girl at the cash register said "America, good choice. My favorite is Germany, he's so damn funny. Also, I love your Pirates bag. I friggin love Johnny Depp. Have you seen Sweeny Todd?" How cool is this girl? I told her Sweeny Todd is one of my favorite movies, said Italy was probably my favorite Hetallia character, and said (of course) that I also love Johnny Depp.  I seriously hope I made a new friend in her, she was fun to talk to and super nice. It's just awesome to find people you have something in common with, you know? I'd be lying if I said that didn't make me happy. I haven't heard a lot from Jack since last time I wrote, but he and the guys are doing really well and have been their usual goofy, weird selves and I love that. He's going to be hating the heat as much as I am for sure, I can't wait until he comes home and we can commiserate in person. I still really wish I knew what was going on with us, but it's such an old subject and an old wound anymore that I almost don't see the point in reopening it. I can't believe I've known this guy
for almost 3 1/2 years now, and still haven't been able to figure out just what (if anything) we really are to each other or what all the little moments between us have meant. I know that I love him, and think he's one of the greatest, most amazing guys I've ever met, but I don't know how he feels about me. I can't believe how difficult these things were to say to his face. It wasn't so difficult to tell him how awesome he is, and it brought his big, beautiful smile to his face when I said it, but telling him I love him was a totally different story. >_> I don't know what I'm going to do. I know I've said before that maybe I'd better off without him, but he's still the one I want to be with. I still get these butterflies in my stomach when he smiles at me, or says my name. I just can't help that he can almost stop my heart with one little smile or a simple gesture. I don't want to be without him, but I think eventually I'm going to lose him. I don't know how he can have a successful music career and still hang out with people from home. I kind of wonder how he's going to make that adjustment. Before I forget, thanks to my two new followers. I didn't want you guys to think I'd forgotten. ^_~ I think that's about it for right now. Thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is "Blind" by Korn
BYE!!!!!!!