FINALLY back again, sorry

HEY!!!!!!!
I'm really sorry for not writing more. I swear to God if I had more time, I'd be here every day. I met with my newest client on Thursday. I'm fighting the cold virus pretty well, it seems. I'm trying to take it easier this weekend, but have already been harangued by Jack and Mark for failure to spend enough time with both of them. >_> I had to (finally) tell Jack that I'm going to his Halloween show, but not the show in Texas a few weeks later. I thought it would be a good compromise, and he wasn't happy with it. What the hell do I do, then? I can't just follow him around, I won't be that girl. Especially because he doesn't even want to be a real couple so far as I can tell. Mark called and said "I never get to see my Angie anymore." That's incredibly sweet, but totally not true. I call him or he calls me every day and I see him at least twice a week when I help him with his homework. Again, what do I do? I feel like I've given both of them just about all there is left to give of myself, you know? I don't know what more I can give. Maybe the problem is that they both have such tight holds on my heart, and I really hate to refuse them anything within reason. I hate that I feel like I'm trying so hard and still failing. I told Mark to come over in about an hour, and I called Jack to ask if he wants to just chat or something. I am trying, I swear to God. I came into work on Wednesday morning to hear that one of favorite clients got into a car accident over the weekend; she has bad eye sight and really shouldn't have been driving at all. It turns out she hit a tree, then a building, and broke her neck bone. There wasn't any nerve damage or damage to her spinal column, but it's still pretty fucked up. I'm going to the hospital tomorrow to check on her. I feel like it's partially my fault, I usually drive her around when I'm taking care of her. I wish she'd asked me to take her somewhere rather than try to go herself. I'm hoping she's going to be alright eventually. I guess that's really all there is for right now. Thanks for reading, and again I'm sorry for being so stingy with the updates lately.
Today's song is "A Devil for me" by Black Veil Brides

BYE!!!!!!!!!!

Sick (again)

HEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm back again, and home because I'm sick. I can't believe my body keeps giving out on me this way. >_> I'm supposed to meet with yet another new client on Thursday, and hope I can actually make it. I really don't know if I try to do too much or if I'm just weak, but it pisses me off that every few weeks or every month or so I get sick. I keep hearing from Jack that he wants me at this Halloween show, he even said "Please come out and see me." Dad is doing alright, and I haven't heard from Trevor again, thank God. I think it would drive me fucking crazy if Trevor were still around, I really just want him to leave me alone. I know I really can't just ignore Jack, but I can't ignore Mark if he really needs help studying, either. I could tell him that for that one day he should just ask his teachers for help if there's something he doesn't understand. That doesn't seem too harsh, right? I think I have a right to live my own little life and not have my family butting in at every God damn turn. Again, it's not that I don't want them in my life, but I don't think they need to be around all the time and meddling in my business. Besides I'm not a teacher, I'm not going to be able to explain every little thing to Mark like his teachers would. Thanks for getting me past the 26,000 pageveiw mark, holy shit. I think that's about it for right now.  Today's song is "Dig up her bones" by The Mistfits

BYE!!!!!!!  

What a week..fml

HEY!!!!!!
Sorry I haven't been here this week at all. I'm afraid it's only going to get worse. My dad had a second heart attack; again a minor one. He said he's fine, but he's going to have to take the doctor's advice seriously now. He's also on 3 new kinds of medicine that he hates. I can't help but think he could have avoided this if he'd fucking taken my advice and eaten the vegetarian meals I made him while he was here; I did try to influence him in a positive way, too. He's also really got to quit drinking and smoking, which is going to be difficult for him. I'm worried that he's not going to take care of himself if he doesn't have someone watching out for him. A tiny part of me wants to say "Fuck him, he never took care of you"; and another part of me thinks it would be kind of cruel to just leave him on his own. I don't really know what to do, you know? I don't think I could leave my life here behind to go take care of him. I'd do it for Mom who actually took care of me, but I have trouble convincing myself I'd do it for Dad. On top of all this, I've been trying to help Mark out with his homework as much as possible, and every day Jack asks "Are you coming to this show?"  He even called, which is kind of amazing. I check my messages after work on Thursday, and hear "Hey, what's up? It's Jack, and I was just wondering how you're doing and if you're going to come out to our Halloween show. It's going to kick ass." I admit, that was awesome. I really wanted him to call me, and he's one of the few guys I'd willingly give out my number to. I just don't really know if I'll have time if I'm helping  Mark. I did say I should make Jack more of a priority, didn't I? I should take that day off as Mark's tutor and go hang out with Jack and Mike. Here we go again with the tug of war between 2 people I love. What the hell do I do? I guess that's it for right now. Thanks again for reading.
Today's song is "Drag the waters" by Pantera

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!   

invitation #12...holy shit

HEY!!!!!!!!!

I'm back again, and hate to say this, but I might not be back until next weekend. I'm not going anywhere, I'll just be working my fucking ass off again all week. I did want to mention that I got yet another invitation to another of Jack's shows. Sadly, this show is in Texas, and that's way too far to go, even for him. I should be happy he wants me around and all that shit, and I am on some level, but he also wants a lot of other people, mostly girls, around. I'd be so fucking happy if he just wanted to watch TV or let me watch him practice or something like that. I know that sounds like stuff that might be kind of boring, but it's not for me. I don't know if  he thinks that stuff sounds too much like a "couple's" activity and that's why he doesn't often ask me to do it, but I wish he would. I kind of gather he's still not really into me and that's why he usually hesitates to get too close, he doesn't want to make me think he really reciprocates my feelings. Yet, he doesn't totally exclude me from his life, and at times really wants me around. I don't fucking get it. Am I just being strung along because he knows how I feel about him and that I don't want to give up on him? God, I fucking hope not. I had a decent time with Cassie yesterday, on a totally different subject. She seemed genuinely happy to see me, but I don't know much I can trust that. We had some kick ass homemade veggie stir-fry, that I made.  She didn't stay here last night though; she went over to see Cory and stayed at his place. I guess that's really all there is for today. Thanks for reading, love you guys. ^_^
Today's song is "Kirisute gomen" by  Trivium

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

Invitation #11 ^_^

HEY!!!!!!!!
I've had another really long but interesting week. As you might have guessed if you've read some of my previous posts, Jack's invited me to another of his shows. I can't believe he's invited me to that many shows. I'm happy, don't get me wrong; I'm just afraid I'm going to have to shoot him down again. It also kind of bugs me knowing he's invited hundreds of other girls who look just like me, and could probably take his pick of most of them. >_> At least this show is on a fucking Friday night, good timing for once. I really want to watch them play again, and just see Jack's face again. I really want to be special to Jack, because he makes me feel special. I really don't feel like that though, with the knowledge that hundreds of other girls just like me are going to be there fawning over him even more than I am. I fucking hate this, I don't know what else to say. I also think I know him a lot better than most of these other girls, and understand him better. I don't know, I just think it has to mean something when we've felt and thought the exact same things at the exact same time so often.  He can be so oblivious sometimes, especially after I finally told him how I feel. Okay, if that's really how I feel maybe I should suggest that we do something else, more one on one. I did say here a while ago that I don't give a shit what we do together, so long as we do it together, right? Okay, enough about him for right now. Cassie's coming down to see me today, and might be spending the night on my couch again. It's fine if she does, but she damn well better be nice to me. I'm obviously not over being a stand-in for someone else. Maybe I just get hurt too easily. I know I take a lot of things too seriously and personally, but I can't help it. I guess it's water under the bridge now, but I was still really hurt by it. Okay, another new subject. I've been working my ass off this week again, and am really enjoying sitting here and writing and drinking coffee. I really like Jessica, the new girl I've been working with. She and I both have the same intense kind of work ethic, and I'm glad. I'd like to go to Jack's show just to blow off some steam, to be honest. I think he at least senses when I need that, the invitations always come at the right time. I have to admit, I have a great time dancing singing and cheering at his shows. Okay, another random change of subject. Mark and his girlfriend are doing well, so far. I hope it works out for him. I guess that's really it for right now.  Thanks again for reading, and checking out my pictures. Love you guys. ^_^
Today's song is " This time imprefect" by AFI

BYE!!!!!!

Back again

HEY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm glad to be back again, I really want to keep this thing going. I find it very funny that I was just talking about Mark and Mike in my entry yesterday, and Mike contacts me not 2 hours later. His girlfriend is super cute, and they look so happy together. Mark also told me that he has a girlfriend, or at least he thinks he does. He's worried that the girl he likes is a couple of years younger than he is, but I told him it's really not such a big deal. They're still getting to know each other, and nothing's really definite yet. It's funny that he didn't think any girls liked him, yet this one actually asked him out. I told you he'd make an awesome boyfriend. ^_~ I guess that's really it for today, I have to get going.
Today's song is "On the arrow" by AFI

BYE!!!!

Blah...

HEY!!!!!!!!!!
I'm really enjoying this weekend, I can't tell you how awesome it is to just sit here and drink coffee. I needed the break again, I can't help it. I'm also really looking forward to Jack's Halloween show. I'm glad to a very pathetic extent just to see him again. I really hope I don't hear anything else from Trevor, I don't want to have to call the cops. It's a huge relief to have Mark here with me right now, I feel safer. He's also an incredibly fucking sweet kid; he had some soup made for me when I got home from work on Friday, and I couldn't resist giving him a big hug. I needed that in a big way, believe me. He was so happy to see me, and said he came over right after school let out. I hate how traits like this are why he gets made fun of at school, though. He's a good person for fuck's sake. I know he doesn't want to go back to school tomorrow, any more than I want to go back to work. He reminds me here again of Mike, he always does shit like that for his girlfriend when he's here. Mark's going to be an amazing boyfriend when he finds a girl, believe me. I've trained him well, lol. I wish Camron had been that kind of boyfriend when he didn't want something from me, you know? Okay, enough about my mistakes with guys. I'm really sorry I haven't been here very much lately, I've been so fucking busy. I can promise to try to be here more often, but I can't guarantee I'll keep those promises. I really will try, though. Thanks again for reading, love you guys.
Today's song is " Weak and powerless" by A Perfect Circle

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FINALLY back!!!!!

HEY!!!!! I'm so glad to be writing again, God damn what a week this has been. It seems my life is getting even more fucking messy and busy, which is the exact opposite of what I've been trying to do. I had a great (though way too short) trip to Canada. I might upload a few pictures if you guys want to see them. I'm not so great with my new digital camera though, so some of the shots look kind of shitty. You'll never fucking believe who e-mailed me the night before I left for Canada; Trevor. He got a new e-mail address, and sent me this stupid e-mail with a link to a video he made saying he still wants me to go out with him, even if I'm dating someone else right now. I'm not, but the entire idea is just fucking creepy, he's fucking creepy. This is definitely stalker behavior, and I'm not having it. I blocked his new e-mail address, too. I will go to the cops if tries this shit again. Okay, now I'm feeling really freaked out. I need to talk about something else. Jack's band is having an awesome Halloween show, and I can't wait to go. I hate that yet again, I'll have work the morning after one of his shows but I really don't give a shit right now. I said Mark could stay over for the weekend, and he's sacked out on the couch right now. Poor kid fucking hates school, I don't blame him. I wasn't exactly popular either, so I know how he feels. I keep telling him; "Just make it through this year and you never have to deal with these dumbasses again." I like to think I'm a good influence on him, and hope that I really am. I ran into Craig and a few of my "fanboys" on Thursday after work, God damn it was awkward. I don't think I've given any of them any kind of indication that I like them, and yet they bother me to no fucking end every time they see me. I just want to be with Jack, all these other guys can fuck off. I haven't heard from Mike in a while, his girlfriend is no doubt spending every second she can with him. ^_^ They're totally one of the cutest couples I've ever seen. I just realized how much I've been swearing in this entry, sorry. Jack is really rubbing off on me, lol.^_~  I miss the shit out of that guy, and it hasn't been all that long since I've seen him. He and Mike are planning yet another tour, I just wish they'd hang here with me a little more. I'm grateful for every day that they're my friends, believe me, but it's really tough being friends with people you hardly get to see.  I don't really understand why I feel I can tell Jack and Mike basically everything, when I have a really hard time trusting other guys with anything. I don't think it's just that they're gorgeous guys who play awesome music for a living, either. I think it has something to do with the fact that they're shared things with me too, and not just through their music. Okay, I think that's about it for today. Thanks yet again for reading, love you guys.
Today's song is "6 to 8" by AFI

BYE!!!!!!!!