Relationships...

HEY!!!!!
Good morning, everyone. Thank you to my new follower. ^_^ Cassie's going to be here in a few hours, and I'm a little nervous. She and I haven't really talked since I basically said she can't come with me to Tokyo. Part of me is afraid she's mad, but another thinks she wouldn't be coming here if she were really mad. Once again, relationships are complicated. >_> It's cold, rainy, and shitty here right now. I fucking hate this already. Cassie asked if I would help her plan a trip to Greece for her and her best friend. I really don't know if I should, considering that she dismissed all my suggestions when I was helping her plan their trip to Italy. I guess I'll try, and if she doesn't like it, she can do it her God damn self. I'm listening to Jack's band's new album right now, and it's amazing. I know I'm a little biased considering I'm in love with him, but I would love their music regardless of whether or not I loved him. His band released a new music video, and it's so funny watching it because I've been to most of the places in the video. He's seemed really unhappy lately, and I don't like it. He was drinking alone the last time I talked to him. This can't be good for him, right? I'm not certain, but I think that's a sign something is wrong in his life and I'm fairly sure there's nothing wrong professionally in his life, so it's got to be personal. I want to ask him what's going on, but I feel like that's something his girlfriend should be helping him through, Unless his girlfriend is the problem, that is. I don't know if I should even be thinking this. I hate that our relationship's  become even weirder and more fucked up since he started dating his girlfriend. I think that's it for now. Thank you so much for reading, love you guys.
Today's song is "One" by Metallica
BYE!!!!!!!!

Mom......

HEY!!!!
My cat Oliver decided to wake me up super early this morning, so I'm ready to go and don't have to leave yet. I had a talk (not argument) with my mom about how much I keep to myself. She said she wants me to talk more to her, and I said that I do talk to her more than a lot of other people I know. Then she asked why I haven't told her anything about "This guy friend" of mine, by which she meant Jack. I think she assumes we're secretly together and I'm just keeping it from her. Yeah, fucking right. If we were together, I'd be shouting it from the rooftops. I don't want to tell her the sad truth that he rejected me twice, has a girlfriend, and I'm still confused as to what was really going on between us in the first place. I think it bothers her not to know everything about me. I know it isn't a bad thing that she wants to know more about me and just wants me to let her in, but there are times I don't think I should do that. I can't wait to go to Tokyo. Now that I've finally decided when I'm going, I can't wait for it to get here. I still have some planning to do, but I think I've got the important things figured out. I've got to get going, I'm going to be back this weekend.
Today's song is "Perfect Weapon" by Black Veil Brides
BYE!!!!!!!

Trip planning and other things...

HEY!!!!!
Good morning, everyone. I get to come in to work a little later today, thank God. I've decided that I'm going to Tokyo in the last week of February, staying in Akihabara, and going to spend my first full day there in Shibuya. I'm going shopping first, then eating lunch in this awesome vegetarian restaurant I heard about, then going on the Imperial Palace tour. Not bad, right? I think the day after that, I'll go to Odaiba, then maybe Ikebukuro. God damn, that's a lot to cram into just a few days, but it's going to be fucking awesome. Jack is doing another radio interview, which I'm hoping will be just as good. The last time I talked to him, he said he was really lonely. Could this mean anything? What am I doing? I know I shouldn't be thinking this, but I can't help it. What if he and his girlfriend break up? I need to quit right now, nothing good is going to come of this if I keep thinking about this. It's just that I still really want to be with him and don't want to miss my chance this time. I'm just wondering if maybe he and his girlfriend aren't as happy as they first seemed. Okay, I need to get him out of my head. I was buying some manga and felt I was taking long time to get through the line, so I apologized to the guy behind me in line who said "How could I be upset with a pretty girl wearing a Misfits shirt?" Once again, guys dig the Misfits shirt. ^_~ I think that's it for today. Thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is" Dig up her bones" by The Misfits
BYE!!!!!!!!

Still happy ^_^

HEY!!!!
Good morning, everyone. I've come to realize how important my little routines of getting ready in the morning and at night have become to me, they're kind of soothing and comforting. I'm going to hang out with Sarah later today, which is going to be awesome. It seems like I haven't seen her in a really long time. I miss her honesty and weird sense of humor. I'll probably stop by and see Mark on my way home, he said he has a new game he wants me to try out with him on his XBOX. I'm glad he still wants to play XBOX with me. I really didn't want to do anything to fuck with our friendship. I love that kid. Cassie is coming down again next weekend, and I'm happy but also really hoping nothing goes wrong. It's true she and I have been getting along a lot better lately, that doesn't mean we couldn't get into another stupid argument over nothing easily and ruin the progress we've made. Cory and Danny seem really happy right now, and it's so good to see. Danny just got promoted again, and seems to love his new job. Cory moved into a really nice new apartment, and loves it and his new job very much. I'm really glad to see us all doing well for once. I also love that we can we can be supportive of each other. I think that's it for today. Thank you very much for reading, and I'll see you guys as soon as possible.
Today's song is "Before I Forget" by Slipknot
BYE!!!!!!!

Tired, but so happy

HEY!!!!
Good morning, you guys. I got a text from Jack after work yesterday saying "Get your party pants on, girl. We're going to have some fun tonight.^_~ " I don't quite know what he meant by that, but it made me smile. I think he was just really happy I didn't bail on him again. I'm sure it pissed him off when I did that before. We didn't get to talk like I really hoped we could, and his girlfriend was watching me like a God damn hawk the entire night. I knew she didn't like me. >_> I can't tell you how good it was to see him again. I like to think there's some way we could continue being friends, but I'm not sure that's possible. I wish it were, but I have to figure out a way if we're going to remain friends. I like being with him too much not to try, even if it does make me seem pathetic. I worked things out with Mark, and we are once again friends and siblings. I told him I never meant to hurt his feelings, and we talked for a little while, and we're good again. I've also been talking to my parents a lot lately, and see their vulnerability, sadness, and regrets as they get older. My dad had a lot of chances to travel when he was younger, and never did. He said he wishes so much he'd taken that chance now, I don't want to be like that when I'm old, full of regrets and wishing I'd lived my life differently. This is another reason I can't wait to go to Tokyo again, I feel like I owe it to myself to do that and know I'll regret it if I don't.  I think that's it for now. Thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is "Prelude 12/21" by AFI

BYE!!!!!

 

Fighting with Mark

HEY!!!!!
I was playing XBOX with Mark a couple days ago, got frustrated that I wasn't doing well, and accidently snapped at him. I swear to God I didn't mean to hurt his feelings, but I did. He's really sensitive, and  I should know better than to treat him like that, but it slipped out before I could stop it. The funny thing is that he didn't even care that I wasn't doing well, I did. He just wanted me to spend some time with him. I just hated feeling like I wasn't as good at something as all of his friends are, though I don't know why that should matter. This is a really stupid argument, and I want to put an end to it right now. I never meant to hurt his feelings in the first place, and hate that I did, even by accident. This was all just some dumbass misunderstanding, anyway. I can't tell you how weird it is to have him mad at me, and I really don't like it. I think I'd better call him and talk this out. On to another subject. I'm really looking forward to Jack's party, though I'm still so nervous. I hope his girlfriend doesn't know how I still feel about him. He did an interview for a local radio show yesterday, and it was so funny. He seemed a little surprised that people have reacted to his band's music the way they have, though I don't know why that should surprise him in the least. I would say he and his friends are amazing musicians, even if I didn't know and love him. I don't want any of the praise and attention that's been heaped on them lately to go to his had though. I think that's it for now.
Thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is "In Bloom" by Nirvana
BYE!!!!!!!

Back once again.....

HEY!!!!!!!!!
I really hope Mark is starting to feel better. I know it isn't my fault he got sick in the first place, but I still feel bad for him. I did a little shopping yesterday, and came across so much more anime shit that I wanted to buy, and just couldn't resist. I got a Vampire Knight wall scroll, a plushie in the shape of the catbus from My Neighbor Totoro, and a Sailor Moon figure. I know I'm probably stupid for spending so much money on shit I don't need, but since I didn't go to Canada, I decided I should do something at least with this money. I also finally, finally got a fucking Ace figure. I can't tell you how awesome that was, believe me. I really can't wait to go to Tokyo. I loved it there so much last time, and it seems I barely scratched the surface of all there is to do and see in Tokyo. I need to do more research, and brush up on my Japanese. I wish it weren't such a difficult language. I think my Japanese is at least decent, but it took for fucking ever to learn what I have, believe me. I am a little nervous about going to Tokyo by myself, but I think as long as I'm careful, I'll be all right. Mark said he doesn't want to go since he doesn't really speak any Japanese and it would be so crowded. I can't blame him, the thought occurred to me as well. I wouldn't want him to do anything he doesn't want to do, I just hope he doesn't regret not going later. I'm looking forward to Jack's party, at least part of me is. I can't say I'm not nervous about it at the same time. I'm probably going to be meeting his girlfriend for the first time, and if she's like everyone else, it's going to take her all of five seconds to realize I'm in love with Jack. I somehow doubt that's going to go well. I think that's about it for today. Thank you very much for reading.
Today's song is "Built to fall" by Trivium
BYE!!!!!!!

 

Here after all

 

Hey!!!!!

I'm (obviously) here after all. Mark woke up with one of the worst cases of the flu I've ever seen yesterday, and is still feeling like shit today. I decided it would be wrong to go without him, especially when he's really sick. I managed to get the hotel to cancel my reservations and refund at least most of my money, but it wasn't easy. I think Mark feels really bad that I didn't go because of him, even though he said I should still go and have fun by myself. I didn't want to go without him, I would have felt bad. Besides, if I'm going to a party next weekend and working all week, it would probably be a good idea to rest a little at home this weekend. I think Tokyo is much more my kind of place, anyway,. It's just so much further away than Canada.  I think I've found a decent place to stay, but it's in Akihabara. I guess that would be all right, too. I really can't wait to go. I'm wondering if it's stupid that I'm going to Jack's party after all the shit that's happened between us. I hope I didn't make the wrong decision. I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens. I think that's really all there is for now. Thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is "Akastuki" by Dir En Grey
BYE!!!!!

 

 
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Finally back again

HEY!!!!!!!
I'm really glad I was able to find time to come here and write after all. As it turns out, Jack changed the date of his party so more people could attend, including me. I said I'd be there, but only because I want to see if there's anything to be salvaged of our friendship and relationship. I don't want to cut him out of my life, or to be cut out of his if I can help it. I know it's useless to wish, but I really wish things had turned out better between us. Okay, on to a more pleasant subject. I've finally decided I want to stay in Shibuya if I can find something decent. I stayed in Asakusa last time, and it was a little bit out of the way. I was talking to Sarah about Jack and my trip, and she said "Girl, I wish I had your problems. A hot guy asked you to a party, and you're going to a beautiful, interesting country. I'd trade places with you any day." I wasn't trying to complain, I swear. I just said I didn't know what to do in either situation. She has a point though, things could be worse. I think that's it for today. Thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is "Reila" by The GazettE
BYE!!!!!!!

 

Stuck in the middle again......

HEY!!!!!!!!!!
Good morning, everyone. I thought I'd have to tell Jack I couldn't go to his party and felt really guilty, despite the fact that he's the man who broke my heart. I would have told him I'd been planning this trip to Canada for a while, and can't really cancel my reservations. Mark is coming with me, and would have been really disappointed if we didn't go. I felt kind of stuck between them again, and didn't like it. I have to say again that I shouldn't have to choose between them, though I think Mark would win every time if I did. I might still be able to make this work, since he changed the date of the party. I'm so glad I can't even tell you. I was really afraid of disappointing him, despite how badly he's hurt me. That's weird, isn't it? Part of me still so badly wants his love, attention, and approval and I hate myself for it.  I wonder why he changed the date, but guess it doesn't matter. I'm still trying to decide where to stay in Tokyo, and what to do. I know it seems like it's still a long time before I go to Tokyo, but really it isn't. I can't wait. I wish we could talk more. I still don't know how things are going to work out between us, but I don't want them to go badly. I wish there were some way we could be friends without it being weird and awkward. I think that's it for today. I'll try to write sometime during the week to make up for not writing this weekend.
Today's song is "The Suicide Circus" by The GazettE
BYE!!!!!!!

 

Wow... what a week

HEY!!!!
Good morning, everyone. Jack invited me to a party next weekend, and I'm not going to be here. >_> It's a CD release party for their album that's coming out soon. I was so incredibly happy when he asked if I wanted to go" Come on, come party with me and the guys. I promise it'll be fun", he said. I can't deny how compelling his voice and expression were. It would be really nice to spend some time with him and the guys, I admit.
I know Jack's girlfriend is going to be there, and I don't want to go if it causes them any problems, and I don't this girl to hate me before she even knows me. I don't want to seem like another girl who just likes Jack because he's in a band, either. I was always trying to make myself stand out from all the other girls who surrounded him. I wanted to seem better than them, I think. I'm still planning my trip to Tokyo, and get more excited by the day. I'll be on my way to Canada this time next week. I think that's it for now. Thanks for reading, love you guys.
Today's song is "You know what they do to guys like us in prison" by My Chemical Romance
BYE!!!

 

STRESSED!!!

HEY!!!!
Good morning, everyone. I'm feeling a little stressed again, and hate it. It isn't necessarily that things aren't going well, at least at work, but I just feel stressed and nervous for some reason. I think this whole situation with Jack is part of it. I hate feeling like this. I wish we could have talked for a little while, maybe we could have sorted things out. I still want him to love me so much that it's pathetic. I can't believe I quite literally just wandered into his life, and now it feels like I'm fighting just to stay there, even though I'm not sure I should. I got a call from Cassie asking "Dude, couldn't you just go to Tokyo a month later? I could come with you." How does she expect me to postpone the vacation I've been killing myself to afford and feel like I've really earned? I told her I couldn't do it, and I will not change my mind. I think that's it, I need to get going. Thanks for reading.
Today's song is "Snuff" by slipknot
BYE!!!!!

 

REALLY quick update

HEY!!!
Hi, everyone. I just wanted to say a few things very quickly. I went out for my jog this morning, was about a quarter of the way into it, and you won't fucking believe who came jogging toward me, smiles, and goes "Hi", out of the blue. That's right, it was Jack. Holy shit, I did not expect that. Needless to say, his girlfriend was nowhere to be seen when he talked to me. I wish one of us had broken our stride and just started talking. This has gotten so weird, and I don't like it. It was a little funny that I was listening to his band's music right then too. Cassie did want to go to Tokyo, but her schedule won't allow it. I can't tell you how glad I am. I'd so much rather go alone than with her. I think that's really it for now, thanks for reading.
Today's song is "Tragedy" by Celldweller
BYE!!!!!

Down time..thank God

HEY!!!!!!!!

This has been one of the most relaxing weekends I've had in a very long time. It's been nice to just sit, watch anime, play xbox, read, listen to music, and think. I really don't know if Jack and I can still be friends, I didn't want to bring this up in my last few posts because it would be way too easy to make myself start crying again. I'm still crazy about him and love him very much, though he doesn't return my feelings. I don't think I would have fallen so hard for him if it hadn't been for his amazing attitude, sense of humor, kindness, generosity, talent, and willingness to accept people for who they are. Knowing all these things I love about him makes it the more difficult to know that I will never make him feel that way about me. I haven't even gotten to how awesome it made me feel, after I got over feeling slightly awkward because of it, that he told his friends about me and told me about his family. I maintain that there was something between us at first, and I think I ruined it. I know it's too late now to wish I'd handled things better, but I still do. I wish that we could still be friends without it getting awkward, but I don't know if it's possible. I don't know how we had any kind of normal conversations after I finally told him I loved him. I can't tell you how much I would miss having him in my life if it seems like we can't be friends, and I think that would effect my friendships with his friends who've become my friends. I still jam out to their music, even if it makes me sad to hear Jack's voice. I hate how much my life became about him, even though I was never his girlfriend. I never told him just how crushed I'd been by guys in the past, so he doesn't know just what this is doing to me. I'm happy in a way that I was able to support and help him in my little way. I knew he had the talent to make this happen for himself, I just wanted to be there to see it happen. I'm going to miss the shit out him, and I don't think there's anything to be done about it. Okay, getting teary eyed. Cassie just texted me, asking about Tokyo. I hope she doesn't want to go. I really don't want to go anywhere with her. I'm sorry. I think that's about it for now. 
Today's song is "Duality" by Slipknot
BYE!!!!!