Mope......

HEY!!

Here I am again, trying so hard not to mope. I wish I could say that I felt happier at all today but I don't, really. I miss Jack, I can't help myself. I know our friendship always meant way more to me than it did to him, I've been well aware of that for a long time. I can't help but think though, that I was there to watch he and his friends pull themselves up by their bootstraps almost from the beginning, about 2 years. I've kind of gotten to know the other guys, too. I can't believe that they went so far in a relatively short amount of time. I should be happy for him and proud of him, and I am, but that doesn't mean I won't miss him. I wonder too, if he misses me at all. I hope so, but I doubt it. I keep mulling over some of the other things we've talked about, trying to decide if maybe there's some other meaning to some of it. I doubt it, he would have said something or tried something if he'd really wanted to. Okay, for the billionth time today, I feel like crying. Work was hell today, too. I totally felt like I was just going through the motions of everything today. What's funny is there were a few other guys today, including Craig, who were acting like total eager puppies around me. Wouldn't it be great if I felt a God damn thing for any one of them like I feel for Jack? Oh well, I can't help it. I'm moping, I know. Sorry. Anyway, I keep saying this, but I wish I didn't attract the kind of guys that I seem to. I have this little group of guys that almost act like fanboys, though I don't really like to use that term. It's probably the most accurate one I have. I can't help that those guys like me and I don't like them, though. I seem to be cursed to always fall for the wrong guy, I did it again. Maybe I'm just stupid. Well, it's probably the clothes I wear and stuff like that. That would be one reason to change the way I dress, though I really don't want to. I'm comfortable in my black, I don't really have anything else. I wouldn't feel right wearing anything but black after all these years, either. I'm really glad I have the option at least of gothing it up everywhere, even at work. I'm comfortable that way, and nothing else looks as good on me. I guess that's really it for today. Thanks (again) for reading and letting me vent all of this.
Today's song is "Vanitas" by Dir En Grey

BYE!!!!

SO sad.....

HEY!!!

I'd like to say WOW to the over 9,000 pageviews I've gotten here, and thank you. At the same time, I'm really sad. Jack's officially quit his job to play guitar full time. It's great for him, and I'm really happy for him, but I'm also really going to fucking miss seeing him at work. I feel again like I have nothing to offer him, and that I'd probably just be holding him back if we were together. I know I've helped him (in a tiny way) to get to this point, and I'm glad, but God damn, I'm afraid we won't get to see each other at all anymore. He was asking who all would want to come to their next show, saying "I wanna see all of you there!!" Of course, I want to go. It's on Valentine's Day, which is officially my least favorite day of the year. Even if it is mom's birthday. At least we've got Facebook, but it's not the same. He was ranting at some girl who'd apparently hurt one of his friends, I don't like seeing that side of him and didn't really know he had it in him. Okay, I'm going to start crying now. I should try and think of something else to talk about. I got asked (again) why I'm not married yesterday, and got so angry. It's not like it's every woman's grand ambition in life to get married and have kids, fyi. I didn't even know this guy's name, he was some friend of mom's that I'd never met before. I just don't get how he thinks he has any right to be telling me how to live, you know? I don't even know how the hell he knew who I was. That kind of ruined yesterday for me, and what Jack said this morning ruined today for me. Here's hoping tomorrow will be better, I guess. I know he's not my only friend who's moved on to something better, but I feel it all the more because he was so blase' about it. I also feel it more with him because of how he makes me feel about him, and how I wish he felt the same. This is why I'm not married, every time I even like a guy, it goes to hell. Okay, I don't want to just sit here, moping. I can't, I have to get going to work soon. I wish now I had the time to call one of my friends and talk about this. I wish I'd had the guts to tell Jack how I felt about him sooner, and I know that it does me no good to sit here wishing. Okay, maybe I need to wrap this up. I'll be back tomorrow. I hope with some good news. Thanks again for reading, everyone. Today's song is "People=Shit" by Slipknot

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here I am again.....

HEY!!!!!!!!!!

Here I am again, glad for the peace and quiet I for now. Not that it wasn't fun being with my friends on Wednesday, but I could use a bit of quiet for now. Of course, I'll be wanting their companionship again very soon. I'm planning on having something of an anime marathon at home tonight. Work kind of sucked yesterday, there was so much to do I barely had time to breathe. I shouldn't be complaining, I know, but it was HARD. At the very least, I know I did my best and kicked some ass. I'm probably going to go check on a friend of mine who got hurt before I go on my anime binge, just to make sure she's okay. I'm really glad I have my friends. I've heard that friends are the family one chooses for oneself, and I think that's very true. I'm glad my friend didn't get hurt seriously, just pulled some muscles. It does hurt like hell, however, to put it in her own words. We were trying to come up with a (fairly) short list of our favorite albums of all time on Wednesday, but mine feels a little incomplete. There's just so much shit to try and cram into a little list like that, I listen to a lot of music. I think in a way it was a bad idea to let them start drinking at my place, not that they drank much. I just hope they didn't drink more after they left, you know? I can't really tell them not to drink, as they're all over 21 and damn well free to do what they want. Besides, I think I'd bore the living hell out of them if I gave them another Straight Edge lecture, and they will not hang with me if all I do is lecture them. Anyway, back to the music. I found it almost funny that none of us had a single album on our lists that we loved unanimously. We all listen to some of the same stuff, but there wasn't one album that ended up on all our lists. I got into Jack's band

and played them some of their EP. Sarah kind of laughed when I showed them their music video, which has some really good shots of Jack. She grinned and said "Heh, yeah, I see why you listen to them. He's kind of a hottie, even if he is younger than you." I know she was just giving me shit, but she's right. Part of me fully knows that it could end horribly between us, to the point where we can't even be friends anymore, but these feelings refuse to die. I'm wishing I could talk to him again, and yet I'm almost afriad to. We hardly see or speak to each other right now, and I hate that. I miss him, God damn it. He had an outfit like the one below for Halloween last year, it l

looked perfect on him. I wish this stupid crush of mine would go away, but it won't. I didn't know adults could crush this hard, but it seems they can. He's just knocked me off my feet, I've never met anyone like him. He tries to make it seem like what he's doing isn't anything major, but in my eyes, it's kind of extraordinary. He's actually close to achieving his dream, you know? I've tried telling him this to his face, and he's so cool and calm about it, he'll smile beautifully and take it in stride. Okay, I guess that's it for today. Thanks so much for reading.

Today's song is " The hand that feeds" by Nine Inch Nails

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Day off...yay!!!

HEY!!!!!!!

Good morning, guys. I kind of slept in. I couldn't sleep worth a damn last night, it's a good thing today's my day off. What's crazy is that Jack was awake before me this morning. I saw him on Facebook. I got a quick "Hey, what's up?" and a little smiley face, and that's it. I saw him yesterday on my way home, we did our little wave and smile bit, and that's all. Not that I'm not happy to be seeing him or talking to him, but I want more and it seems he's not willing to give it. God, here I go with the whining again. I'm listening to their new song again, it's probably their best yet. I think Mike is starting to look something like a red headed Kurt Cobain, it works for him. He doesn't sound like him though, but he sounds good. Okay, I'm going to do my best to keep this positive and not bitch about how much I want Jack to reciprocate my feelings. Sarah was kind of teasing me about how happy I was the other day, it was actually funny. She said it made her happier, too, though. She also helped me keep things in perspective, I didn't know she was sick. She doesn't really like to talk about it. She's got fibromyalgia. I also saw an accident coming home yesterday, which I was both glad I wasn't part of and glad it wasn't as serious as it could have been. I think I need these things to keep a sense of perspective on life at all. I'm kind of honored that she can share things like that with me, that she's comfortable enough with me to talk about all of life's unpleasant shit. Jack and I have our moments like that, but they're few and way too far between. I don't know if sometimes he's not comfortable sharing things with me because I'm a girl, or because he feels he still doesn't know me well enough. At any rate, I'm almost inexpressibly glad for the few really close friends I have that I can talk about this with. Speaking of which, I will be hanging with them later on. I have to say I miss them, though I talk to them almost every day. I guess that's it for today. I want to thank you guys again for reading.

Today's song is " A single second" by AFI

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Finally back again....

HEY!!!!!!!!!!

It's really good to be back writing this again. I went to work yesterday, and it felt really good to be up and around again. I actually woke up smiling yesterday morning, which I thought was a good sign for the remainder of the day, but also kind of weird. I felt fairly happy most of the day, which was nice. Jack's show was (of course) a total success, and I feel bad that I missed it. I had a really upset stomach, though, and didn't feel like dancing, singing, or cheering. They have another show coming up in a few weeks, and it sounds like a lot of fun. I want to see him again so badly it almost hurts. I'm also becoming friends with Cassie's best friend, I think Cassie chose her best friend very well. I've been talking a lot with Sarah, I'm SO glad I met her. I don't know if I should apologize to Jack for missing his band's show, I don't know if he'd believe me. He might not care very much that I wasn't there, anyway. I keep going back and forth on this, sorry. I keep wondering then why he'd keep inviting me if he didn't want me to go. I sit here and type this, wondering what the hell is going on with us for the billionth time. I know I've got his attention, and I know that he's not afraid to reach out to me(sometimes), but I just don't get him. I want to just ask him flat out what he really thinks and feels about me, but I'm way too chickenshit for that. Okay, I could go on and on about him. I usually do, right? ^_~ I wonder sometimes too, if we'd really be all that good together if we were together. I had a few terrible dreams Saturday night; in the first one I was diagnosed as terminally ill, and in the next Jack left and I never saw him again. What's crazy is that I was more upset about Jack leaving. Obviously, I didn't sleep too well that night, which is why I was kind of euphoric about sleeping well and waking up smiling. Okay, enough about that. Mom's said she might want to go to Okinawa with me next year. I don't really know how I feel about that, since Japan has always been kind of "my" thing. I know she just wants me to let her in a little, but I don't want to let her in on everything. I'm just kind of afraid she'll start taking over, she can be kind of bossy. I don't want to sit here badmouthing my mom, but I have to tell the truth about her. It's not that I don't love her, I can't emphasize that enough. I just want to have a bit more in the boundary department where she's concerned. I guess that's really about it for today, I have to get to work. I want to thank you for reading. ^_^

Today's song is "The Heretci Anthem" by Slipknot

BYE!!!!!!!!!

I'm back again....

HEY!!!!!!!!!!

I'm really glad to be back. I took a chance and went out yesterday, if only because I was starting to get sick of the inside of my apartment. It was some of the worst driving I've ever done, believe me. So, I'm walking to work today. I'm just lucky I don't have very far to go in this case. It's finally quit snowing, but that doesn't mean there aren't a few feet of snow to trudge though. I'm still missing Jack, I think he and his bandmates are getting a lot of practice in before their show in 2 days. I wish he missed me. I did some baking the other day, after I finally got my ass away from the computer. I listened to almost every Slipknot song I have while baking, good times. I made some awesome chocolate chip cookies, by the way. I just like the juxtaposition of the cute girl in the apron, listening to Death Metal. I have one other female friend who's really into them, and that makes me really happy. I have some amazing friends, and I can't let myself forget that. My friend Sarah is probably one of the best, even though I haven't known her as long as some of my other friends. I also happen to think it's pretty amazing that she's a professional photographer, with her own little studio. She's also doing what she loves. I'm so glad I met her. She and I kind of encourage each other, I've told her how badly I want to be a writer. Jack, Mike, and Casey have also helped me a little in that respect, simply by doing what they do. They love what they're doing, and went for it. These people are all so talented and awesome, I almost feel in awe of them, though I also get to see their human sides as their friend and (sometimes) confidant. I hope they know how happy I am to simply have them in my life, and how much I love them in one way or another. ^_~ I'm getting a little sappy here, sorry. I'm sitting here, hoping they know all this when I should just tell them face to face. I think they do know how I feel, even if I don't say it all the time. That doesn't mean I should neglect to mention it, however. I mean, think how I'd feel if they never did or said anything to let me know they care about me. I'd fucking lose it if I thought they didn't care. I guess it's really just important that we neglect each other. I know Jack knows how I feel about him. ~_^ I just hope he isn't freaked out by it. I feel sometimes like I don't deserve him, I feel like I have nothing to offer him. I know there are lots of other, prettier, girls who can offer him just as much, if not more ,than I can. Okay, obviously, I'm feeling insecure right now. I'm being ridiculous, right? I'm just not really sure what he's looking for in a girl, you know? I think he's looking for someone on the short, slender side. I'm short, and fairly slender, but I'm not sure I'm slender enough. I hate that, I know I should be judging myself on other criteria, but this seems to be all that anyone gives a rat's ass about. I think on an emotional level, he and I understand each other amazingly well most of the time, but I don't know if he thinks I'm pretty enough. Sadly, I think he'd want a girl to go drinking with him, and that will never be me. I can't tell you how much I like being able to share the stuff I write with him and my other friends, and that he'll often share his own writings. I'm SO grateful for that outlet, and this one. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have them, believe me. I think that's also why Jack plays, and we DO understand that about each other. I think that's it for right now, I have to get going.

Today's song is "Gehenna" by Slipknot

BYE!!!!!!!!!

STILL snowed in........

HEY!!!!!

I'm (obviously) still snowed in at home. I'm listening to Jack's band's new song again, it's SO good. I really hope they come out with some new music soon. I also hope I get to see him again soon. He was saying something about how if he could just get himself to stop expecting things, he could stop being disappointed. I just thought to myself "Holy shit, he took the words right out of my mouth." Then, of course, I started wondering whom or what he was expecting that kept disappointing him. It's just so funny that he said something I've said so often to myself, in the exact same words. I was really glad to hear from him, just knowing he's okay. I love it when he gets all sweet and pensive like that and drops the rock guy bullshit he surrounds himself with. He also damn well better be wearing his glasses if he drives today. I thought it was cute how he told his older brother he loves him, too. I love getting to see the better part of him. I'd love to believe that I'm the one he's missing, if only because I'm missing him like mad. I want him to love me so badly, it's pathetic. I kind of doubt it was me he was talking about, and I really shouldn't let my wishful thinking run away with me. I should probably switch subjects. I've found a decent place to stay in San Francisco that isn't too expensive, and (more importantly) is within walking distance of Japantown. ^_^ I'm really looking forward to this trip, you have no idea how much. Ikind of wonder if Jack will miss me when I go, if he misses me at all. I want to beleive he does, but I don't know. I'm hoping to at least hear from him on Facebook again soon. I hope he invites me to their next show, but he's only got a few days to do that. I still wonder if I kind of hurt him by turning him down twice in a row. I mean, he wouldn't ask multiple times if he didn't want me there, right? I guess that's it for today. Thanks again for reading.

Today's song is "The killing lights" by AFI

BYE!!!!!!!!

Still snowed in..................

HEY!!!!!!!!!

It's gotten even worse outside. There's a fucking unbelievable amount of snow on the ground right now. I'm thinking of doing something else once I'm done here, like cleaning the hell out of my place or cooking something kind of difficult that I don't get to eat very often. I seriously hope Jack, Cassie, and Danny are REALLY careful driving to work today. I'm thinking now about that little bit of vulnerability Jack showed yesterday, and how today he's trying to cover it up again. I wish he could just realize he doesn't have to keep up the stupid, stereotypical rock guy facade he puts on. I hope he slept better last night, and I'm glad I slept like a baby. I don't know if I'm right or not, but I really think there's a lot more to him than just the facade he keeps up when he's with his bandmates and friends. I thought Casey said something really sweet today, too. He was going on about how much he loves his family. That put a smile on my face, for sure. I just like knowing that these guys are capable of more than just swilling beer and playing music. God, it's cold. I'm wearing my hoodie INSIDE. Okay, I should write about something else. I was kind of wondering how my life would be different if I were more outgoing and talkative. Would Jack and I be together? I learned that a friend of mine has a new boyfriend. The thing is, I almost didn't think she'd find one, because she was fatter than I was. She lost 100 pounds, though and has a boyfriend. I hate myself for thinking that she wouldn't find a boyfriend. She has a boyfriend because she had the God damn guts to ask the guy out, and didn't hesitate. I'm really happy for her, and crazy jealous at the same time. I'm being really picky, though. I only want to date Jack, and since he doesn't want to date me, I'm not dating anyone. Did I mention how stubborn I am? I'm kind of afraid that I'll just keep rejecting every guy who might ask me out simply because he isn't the one I want to be with. I don't want random, meaningless sex or to just date a guy simply to say that I'm not alone, you know? I can't help how I feel, and I'm not going to compromise on it. I do kind of wonder how I look through Jack's beautiful, damaged brown eyes. I guess that's it for right now. Thanks (again) for reading.

Today's song is "Love like winter" by AFI ^_~

BYE!!!!!!!!!

Snowed in........

HEY!!!!!!

I'm totally snowed in today. It snowed at least a foot last night and I can't go anywhere. So, of course, here I am. ^_^ I feel kind of glad to be here, in a way. I didn't REALLY want to go anywhere today. This is an approximation of what the little bedroom I'm writing from looks like, except I have over 2 shelves FULL of anime. I heard from Cory about how much he likes it where he is and that he got a new job. I'm really glad for him, he needs that. Jack was saying that he had really bad nightmares all night long last night, poor guy. He made me want to hold him. I'm feeling pity for him again, but I know how it is to be disturbed by dreams like that. God, I'm missing him again already. Their next show's coming up pretty soon and he hasn't formally asked me to it. Should I be worried? Maybe he's gotten tired of asking me and then I don't show, you know? I can't say I wouldn't feel the same if I asked him to something and he didn't show up twice in a row. Of course, I COULD go, if time and weather allow. I wonder if he'd notice I was there, and if he'd be glad I was. He'd be surprised, that's for damn sure. I want to tell him again that I love him, but I don't think I need to keep drilling it into his poor, gorgeous head. I want to just spend time with him, not necessarily at his band's shows. He was talking about how bad his eyesight really is, that he can barely see without his glasses. He was driving for months without them, that's dangerous. Why didn't he wear them for months, then? I hope it wasn't because I jokingly said something about glasses making a person look nerdy. I don't know, sometimes it seems like he's a lot more sensitive than he lets on. I can be kind of insensitive sometimes, and selfish. I still haven't totally learned how to think before I speak, either. I know for one that I'm often pretty harsh on my mom, and that I don't appreciate how much she's done for me and continues to do for me. I'll often push people away; for example Dad wanted to talk the other day, and I kind of cut him off with an excuse. I know that's no way to treat anyone, and I'm sorry. I feel bad now, of course. I don't know when Dad will call again. I need to get my shit together more, emotionally speaking. I'm being more than a little childish. I also once kind of snapped at Mark for wanting to talk with me while I was getting ready for work. That kid is one person I should NEVER be short with, he's kind of like my personal sun. I told him I was sorry right away, of course, but still hurt him. I'm trying to think of people I've never been at all mean to, and can't come up with anyone. I need to be more grateful for and appreciative of them, or I won't have them anymore. I guess that's it for today. Thanks again for reading.

Today's song is "I thought I knew it all" by Megadeth

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!

HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!

HEY!!!!!!!!!!!

Obviously, I'm in a pretty Goddamn good mood today. I LOVE it. I woke up kind of early this morning, and the moonlight was shining on the snow, it has to be one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. I also want to make a point of thanking my new Follower, thank you. ^_^ Also, I can't believe I've got over 8,000 page views now. I'm writing on Friday the 13th, and it's already shaping up to be a really good day. I ALWAYS have good days on Friday the 13th for some reason. I really wish I could talk to Jack more, I'm starting to miss him again. I'm kind of reluctant to go chasing after him anymore, though. I don't want to burden him with my feelings. His new lyrics are very different in tone than the ones he wrote earlier, they were kind of bitter and angry at first, and now they're more lovelorn and romantic. This guy has such immense sweetness and tenderness in him, he just never really lets it out, but I've seen it. It also kind of sounds like he's in love with someone, talking about how she could never love him, and I start to choke on my own jealousy just thinking about it. Who could not love him? Just one look into his gorgeous, smiling face, and my heart melts. I can't wait to hear their now song in full, it's SO good. They don't sound like some little band from a city no one's ever heard of anymore, believe me. I'm glad in a way to be there to watch all of this happen, but I want to be with Jack so badly. I'm still not really sure what our deal really is, but I know that my feelings for him haven't changed in almost 2 years. I thought it was kind of funny that some other girl commented on how beautiful his smile is, I knew I couldn't be the only one thinking that. I REALLY wish he thought I was beautiful, and not just "pretty".

I should probably switch subjects for a bit. I'm looking at all the little trinkets I wear and keep, the bracelet supporting Jack's band, the rings mom gave my, the cute plastic ring Mark gave me, this little silver charm Cory gave me, the watch my dad gave me, and the keychain Cassie gave me. Yet again, I happily mark myself as theirs. I'm still planning my trip to San Francisco. ^_^ I guess that's really it for today. Thanks (again) for reading.

Today's song is "I disappear" by Metallica

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!

Snowing, but happy

HEY!!!!!!!

I'm feeling pretty damn good today. I'm glad that I've got nothing to feel anxious about for once. Who knows how long that'll last, right? I'm seriously considering going to San Francisco 3 months from tomorrow, I want to do something different. It also kind of bothers me that I seem to do nothing but work and take care of all my other mundane little daily shit. I'm really digging the idea of going to the Japanese Tea Gardens. I mean, just check this out. I think that if I wait and wait, I'll miss my chance. I really think a lot of it sounds awesome. I plan on hanging out in Japantown and Chinatown quite a bit. I also want to go to the Asian Art Museum and Golden Gate Park. There's also an aquarium that I really want to go to, and I'm totally going to some of the Buddhist temples they have there. These places are SO beautiful, I can't wait. This'll be kind of like a really expensive birthday present to myself, lol. It's kind of scary to think I'll be turning 27 this year. I know I still look about 10 years younger, but I don't feel like a kid anymore. I know I'm not old, but I hate that so many people my age (or younger) have kids and spouses and all that. I don't know, maybe I'm not really cut out for the whole marriage bit. I'm not really ready to stop being a "me" and become a "we", you know? Okay, this is depressing me so I'm going to quit talking about it. I'm also totally going to the beach in San Francisco if it's warm enough. I'm hoping it will be. ^_^ I want to do something fun. I'm also partially so gung ho about this because I want to escape for a little while; from my responsibilities, my family, and Jack to some extent. I know I don't have a husband or kids, but I kind of feel like I'm tied down, anyway. I feel like I'm too young to be tied down, especially when I haven't down half the shit in life that I want to. I love all these people with all my heart, don't get me wrong, but I want to do something in a place where I'm totally on my own and no one knows me. I'd like to go to the Cherry Blossom Festival too, and maybe I'd rock a kimono. ^_~ I guess that's it for right now. Thanks for reading.

Today's song is "The heretic anthem" by Slipknot

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!