Free time..holy shit

HEY!!!!!
Good morning, everyone. I have a little free time right now and almost don't know what to do with myself. It's pretty bad if it feels weird to have time to myself, right? I'd been so focused on getting ready for Christmas that now that I'm actually done I almost don't know what to do. I've been thinking a lot about Nate and Jack and wondering if they really did want the same thing from me. I know it seems pretty likely, again, my reactions to them were just radically different.

I just don't want to deal with either of them right now, but I know I'm going to have to. I was talking to Sarah and Sierra about them, and they both said it seemed pretty likely they were both after the same thing. I know that asking my friends isn't necessarily the most accurate way of judging what they might want, but I don't have anyone else to talk to about this who would understand. I really don't understand guys. I can't really be thinking about this when my family is here for Christmas, either. I know I should really just talk to them and see if I can't straighten things out, but I don't know how well that would work out. I think that's it for today. Thank you so much for reading.






Today's song is "Deep slow panic" by AFI
BYE!!!!!

Stressed out

HEY!!!!!
Good morning, everyone. I've been doing a lot of thinking and haven't really come out ahead at all. I don't have any more answers now than I did before and am still just as confused as ever. I was talking to my friend Sierra about guys, and she said her boyfriend told her he'd be okay if she got pregnant, only now she is and he dumped her and wants nothing to with her or their child. I fully admit that my problems with guys pale in comparison to hers, but it could just as easily have been me. She said "At least you were smart enough not to get pregnant, I should've been more picky with guys." Then we started debating if there even are any decent men left, and decided it was pretty unlikely. But now I'm afraid that if I give in I could be in the same boat she is. I have to give Sierra credit, she's handling it really well. The problem is, I don't know if any of the guys I could date are really good boyfriend/husband/father material. I have mentioned that most of the guys I know are assholes, right? God damn it. I had a conversation like this with Cassie and a few more of my friends a little while ago too, I guess I should be glad I'm not the only one who thinks and feels like this. I think I should move on to a lighter subject. I did some more Christmas shopping, and finally feel like I'm ready. Good thing, considering I only have three more fucking days left.

I had no idea how much fucking planning it takes to just have a nice Christmas. I'm not surprised Mom's been relieved the last few years when Cassie and I did everything for her, it's a lot of work. I have tomorrow, Tuesday, and Wednesday off, and it's God damn nice to have that little break. I needed it, and actually feel like I earned it. I wish I could fully relax, but that doesn't seem to be an option for me any more. At least I get to sleep a little more. ^_^ I guess that's all for today. Thank you so much for reading. Love you guys.
Today's song is "Blood" by My Chemical Romance

BYE!!!!!!!!!

Crazy....

HEY!!!!!!!
Good morning, everyone. I'm still putting last minute touches on my apartment for Christmas, but I'm not really focused on that. Jack invited me to another of his band's shows, and I couldn't help but think that his motivations probably aren't that different from Nate's in inviting me out, it's just my reactions to them that are different. Am I wrong in thinking this or blind and stupid for not coming to this conclusion years ago? Since I want to be with Jack I said yes to him immediately and rejected Nate just as quickly because I don't want to be with him. I thought that since Jack and I had tried (and failed) a couple of times at asking each other out, that it wouldn't happen. I'm so fucking confused and upset now. I've spent almost four years asking myself what we're doing, only to find out that I still have no God damn idea. This whole dating thing can't be that fucking difficult, can it? I really don't know any more. I think that's it for today. Thank you so much for reading. I love you guys.
Today's song is "Fade to black" by Metallica
BYE!!!!!

Guys......

HEY!!!!
I just got home and holy shit, what a day. *yawns* I'm cranking Jack's new album, I love it. You're not going to believe this, but I fucking already miss him. Especially after the jokes he was making about how he looks in the morning after a show. He made me laugh so hard. He's gorgeous no matter what he does and knows it.

 I was feeling really good until I ran into Nate. I thought I'd made myself clear to him and then he fucking blindsides me while I'm shopping and getting coffee after work. I'm waiting in line to pay for my coffee, he comes up to me, puts his arm around me, and asks me out. He said that he was going to dee jay at a rave soon, and wants me to come. Then he asked if I wanted to go see the new "Hobbit" movie with him, and I had to say no. I really thought he understood that I don't feel that way about him. I feel terrible for hurting him, but I'm not going to lead him on. It doesn't help that I ran into a couple more of my fanboys after Nate left. I just don't get them. I think that's it for now.
Thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is "Beautiful Thieves" by AFI
BYE!!!

 

Awesome!!!

HEY!!!!!!
Good morning, you guys. I can't believe what a good time I had last night, holy shit. I missed Jack so much. I brought him one of the cupcakes I made, he ate it after the show and said it was really good. His face looks a lot more like normal now, and I'm so glad nothing worse happened. I hate that they're leaving for their tour today, but it was a good goodbye at least. You should have fucking seen me while he was playing.

 And this was him, gorgeous and cool as ever. I hate myself for still fangirling like that when he's playing. God, it was fun though. I really am going to miss him while he's gone, and he better take care of himself. It's pretty horrible of me to bring another girl's boyfriend (whom I'm in love with) a cupcake, isn't it? Maybe I shouldn't have, but it's too late now. I just got a call from Cassie saying she managed to get time off for Christmas and wants us all to come to her apartment instead. After all the work I've done getting mine ready? I don't think so. I think I've got way too much time and energy invested in it already to just give up and let Cassie have her way again. I was looking though my stuff a few days ago and realized she still has three of my "His and Her Circumstances" DVDs and a pair of pants she borrowed months ago.  This is why I don't usually let Cassie borrow anything from me. >_> I guess that's really it for now, thank you so much for reading. Love you guys.

Today's song is "Deep Slow Panic" by AFI

BYE!!!!!!!

Plans, plans, plans,

HEY!!!!!
Good morning, everyone. I went out and got the additional decorations and food we're going to need for Christmas. I think it's going to be awesome. I've got everything planned out and ready, short of actually cooking the food. Jack asked again if I'm coming to their show this Saturday, and of course I said yes.

Obviously, I can't say no. I want to see him again. The thought of losing him still shakes me. I'm his friend and still care about him, even if I'm not his girlfriend. He even smiled when I said yes, God damn that smile. His poor face took a beating, his left check is still a bit swollen and it looks painful as hell. Anyway, I'll be hanging out with him and the guys Saturday night, then going to see the new Hobbit movie with Danny and Mark on Sunday. It's going to be awesome!! It's so much better than sitting here with Oliver and thinking about being lonely, believe me. I've been working very hard on my trip to Tokyo, even though I really thought I had everything planned out already. I found an amazing price on a flight, booked it, and can't fucking wait to go. It's the waiting about 5 more months that's going to get me, though. I'm so glad I have figured out all this stuff already. I think that's really it for now, thank you so much for reading, Love you guys.
Today's song is "Bodies" by Drowning Pool
BYE!!!!!!!!

Oh, Jack....

HEY!!!
Good morning, everyone. I'm starting my new work schedule this week, and am home today and tomorrow. I really don't like this, but again, I have to do it if it's better for my clients. I had been
having a decent week until I heard yesterday morning that Jack had been in a car accident. He's all right, but you have no idea how fucking scared I was when I first heard it. I called him, hoping I didn't sound too panicked. He said he was driving without his glasses, someone pulled in front of him that he didn't see coming, he slammed on the brakes, the air bag came out, and his face got smashed into it. Holy shit, I'm so glad it wasn't worse than that. I know he didn't really appreciate me freaking out on him like that, but I don't care. I don't want anything bad to happen to him and this scared me so much. I told him he needs his God damn glasses to drive, I do too. I love him, and don't want to lose him. All right, enough of my non-girlfriend anger at him for not being more careful. It was such a relief to hear his voice telling me he's fine and not to worry. I did bake my cupcakes, and they turned out to be amazing. They're delicious, and I'm glad I decided to make everything from scratch.

 I'm trying to share them with people because (as usual) I went overboard and made too many. Danny, Mark, and Cory are all getting some. Mark's already tried some and said they were delicious. I'm bringing Mike some too, I want to know what he thinks. They leave for their tour in 4 days, I hate this. I thought Danny was going to be able to come for Christmas, and was really looking forward to it since he's had to work every Christmas for the past 5 or 6 years. I talked to him yesterday and found out he's going to be doing inventory Christmas night and will have to sleep during the day and won't be able to see us at all. It pisses me off, I miss my brother, God damn it. I was getting excited too, since we're having Christmas at my apartment this year for the first time. Thankfully, the heater is fixed. Cory, Mom, Dad, and Mark are going to be here but it still isn't the same without Danny and Cassie. God damn, my family is huge. I'm going to work my ass off to make this the best Christmas possible for them. I need to go out and get some more food and decorations soon, but it's still a little bit too cold to go right now. I think that's it for now. Thank you so much for reading, love you guys.
Today's song is "Unbroken" by Black Veil Brides
BYE!!!!!!!!

   

SO COLD!!!!

HEY!!!!!!
Good morning, everyone. I had the craziest dream about Jack last night. We were this really cute, happy couple and I was so happy. God, this sounds pathetic. I can't even tell you how disappointed I was to wake up alone, and freezing my ass off because my heater is broken. I hate this apartment sometimes, the heating sucks. I should try to focus on something better, I guess. My Christmas tree is officially set up and looks beautiful according to everyone who's seen it. I'm glad for the distraction of setting it up and decorating it, but now that it's done I have some time to sit and think about how lonely I am sometimes. I've decided I want to bake some cupcakes after all.

I'm surprised sometimes that I actually enjoy baking, cooking, and other shit like that. I didn't used to when I was younger. People change though, right? I think I've got everything planned out for my trip to Tokyo, and it's going to be so fucking awesome. Now, it's just a matter of being patient and waiting until it's actually time to leave. I'm going to do my best to write from Tokyo, as much as possible. Cassie was supposed to come here today but changed her mind. I hope she's feeling better about her boyfriend and that anything I said helped at all. It might not be a secret that she and I aren't best friends, but she is still my sister and I do still love her very much. I guess I haven't failed her as a sister if I was able to help her at all, and I'm kind of honored that she called me. I really want us to be friends, and I'm sorry that I haven't been the best older sister in the world, but I tried. I think we'll get there, it's just going to take time. Things have improved quite a bit between us, and I'm going to be grateful for that and take it as a sign that things can get even better. I think I'd better get going now, those cupcakes aren't going to bake themselves.  Thank you so much for reading. I love you guys.
Today's song is "Saku" by Dir En Grey
BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Schedule changes...yay

HEY!!!!!!!!
Good morning, guys. One of my clients asked if I could possibly arrange it with my boss to take care of them on Saturdays instead of Thursdays, which turned out to be all right, so here I am. I don't necessarily like the idea of giving up my Saturdays, but if it's best for the people I'm taking care of, I have to do it. Jack invited me to another show, which I believe makes it my eighteenth invitation, holy shit. I'm fairly sure I can make it and wanted to make him happy, so I said yes. I got a phone call from Cassie at 1;00 in the morning, her boyfriend had gotten really drunk and started acting like an asshole, and she was crying. It seems she didn't think she would have to deal with shit like this from him, he seemed to be a  really nice guy at first. She said she doesn't know if she'll ever find a nice guy, and I know the feeling. I also know how it feels to fall for assholes who break your heart, I'm afraid. We talked for a little while and I think she seemed a little bit better when we hung up, I still feel bad for her. I don't want to see my sister unhappy, you know? I'm glad I'll get to see Jack before he leaves for his tour, but it's just so pathetic to keep hanging on to him. I'm going to miss him so much, and there's nothing I can do. I realize that when it comes to guys, I'm no smarter than Cassie is. I haven't learned my lesson either, it seems. It's even worse because I got to hear a demo for the new song he's been working on, and its lyrics sound like they were taken right from me. I don't know how he knows what I'm thinking and feeling so consistently, I never mentioned it to him. I guess that once again we're just on the same page. I think that's it for today. Thank you so much for reading. I love you guys.

Today's song is "The Beautiful People" by Marilyn Manson
BYE!!!!!!!

Under pressure

HEY!!!!!!
Good morning, everyone. I'm feeling so stressed out right now, and I hate it. Mom asked me to do something for her and I forgot for a few days, Mark is mad that I haven't been spending enough time with him(in his opinion), and Jack asked me to another show and isn't happy that I didn't immediately say yes. I said yes eventually, and I'll hang out with Mark for a while today, but this sucks. This is a familiar problem for me and I should know how to deal with it by now, but that doesn't make it fair to put so much on my shoulders when there's already so much there. I just hate it when all this shit comes at me at once, you know? I've apologized to them all, but I wonder how many more times I'm going to be forgiven. I'm trying not to let this interfere with my work, but it's difficult. Part of me wants to just run and hide so I don't have to deal with all this, but that's not going to fix shit and would just worry them if they didn't hear from me. Jack is so excited for the future and everything he's going to do, I'm a little jealous. I wish I could be that confident and sure of myself. I'm going to get a Christmas tree after I'm done writing here, though the weather is kind of shitty. I know it seems kind of pointless since I live alone, but I still want to do it.

I think a Christmas tree will be kind of fun, and it's one tradition I always enjoyed. Plus, fixing it up and decorating it will help keep my mind off the fact that Jack and Mike are leaving on a two month tour soon, and I won't be able to see them. I'm feeling the urge to do some baking, too. I don't think I'll bake muffins or cupcakes this time, just some cookies. Namely, the cookies Mike taught me to bake.  God damn it. I had a good Thanksgiving and was glad to hear my parents having a civil conversation without my having to step in and play mediator. It was nice to relax at least for a little while, believe me. Thank you so much for reading, I love you guys.
Today's song is" A Tout le Monde" by Megadeth
BYE!!!!!!!!

Thanksgiving

HEY!!!!!
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I'm thinking of everything I'm grateful for and realize I actually have quite a bit to be grateful for and happy about. One of the best things is simply the chance to write here. Another is meeting Jack, no matter how much shit he's put me through. I still can't believe one of the greatest things to ever happen to me happened because I was bored after work one day and decided to go shopping, that's how I met him. I don't think he realizes how much it means to me that he still calls me his friend, if not his girlfriend. I'm grateful for my family, too, of course. I'm especially grateful for Mark and Danny, who are probably the only 2 people in the world I can truly be myself in front of. We're going to watch the second "Hobbit" movie when it comes out, and I'm so glad. Danny actually suggested it, he knows his nerdy little sister's nerdy little heart too well and knows how badly I've been wanting to go see it. I need to do some more planning for my trip to Tokyo. Thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is "Perfect Weapon" by Black Veil Brides
BYE!!!!!!

New friends?

HEY!!!!!
Good morning, everyone. Another of Jack's friends sent me a friend request on Facebook, and I'm not sure what to think. We're both girls, and it turns out I've met her before, but I'm still not sure what to think because it didn't seem like she liked me very much when I met her. I'm probably just being insecure and stupid. I also heard from Cassie's friend who wants me to "teach" her to be goth. I should welcome the chance to make new friends, right? Is it bad that I've met so many of Jack's friends and he hasn't met a single one of mine? It's a good thing we have mutual friends, isn't it? God damn it, I feel bad. I know he never really asked to meet any of my friends, but he hasn't been shy about introducing me to his. I think that's about it for right now. Thank you so much for reading, love you guys.
Today's song is "Welcome home(Sanitarium)" by Metallica
BYE!!!!!!!

So cold..this sucks

HEY!!!!!!!
Good morning, everyone. I'm awake earlier than expected, and so cold. I think there's something wrong with my heater again. >_>  I had an interesting chat with Jack, where once again he expressed thoughts and feelings I'd had plenty of times but never really told him about. We were talking and he said he never wanted a big house, fancy car, or a lot of money. I can't tell you how many times this same thought has occurred to me, and it was awesome to hear him express it using the exact same words I would. I'm so glad to hear we agree on this too. I still find it very weird how much we have in common. I still don't think it makes sense that we're not together. I think that's really it for today, thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is "Unbroken" by Black Veil Brides
BYE!!!!!

Interesting......

HEY!!!!!!!!
Good morning, everyone. I'm home again, and not feeling my best. I went to work yesterday, managed to pull through my shift, and felt fine until about 7;00 when I started feeling really weak and shitty. I should really know by now that there are consequences for pushing myself  too hard when I still wasn't feeling totally better. God damn it. I had an interesting little chat with my newest fanboy from my favorite record store. He saw the bracelet Jack gave me, with his band's name on it, and said " I think I've heard of their band, Aren't they local? They're awesome if they are who I think they are." I smiled a little at that and said "Yeah, a couple of my friends are in the band and they're amazing." I haven't met a lot of their fans outside of their shows, so this was really weird and kind of funny. I think this guy seems nice and all, but he just isn't Jack. Jack and Mike finished writing another song a few days ago, and I already can't wait to hear it. Sadly, they haven't even recorded it yet. >_> They'll probably be spending Christmas on tour, which Jack said is going to be fun and suck at the same time. I've been trying to plan out our Thanksgiving and Christmas, but am getting kind of tired of always having to do this shit on my own. Thanksgiving is in exactly a week, God damn how time flies. I think that's it for today. Thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is" Thank you for the venom" by My Chemical Romance
BYE!!!!!

Still sick..and it's snowing

HEY!!!!!!!
Good morning, everyone. I'm still not feeling well, but I'm not feeling much worse either, so I guess I should be grateful. Staying in and watching anime on Thursday was relaxing and just a nice break from the usual craziness that is my life. Jack's band leaves for their tour in about 3 weeks, and I won't see him or Mike for at least a month and a half. >_> I hate this so much, and I can't tell them not to go. God damn it, I really want to see them before they leave at least. I can't really be around people when I'm sick though, because I don't want them to get sick. I did go in to work for a little while and shopping afterwards, but decided to come home fairly quickly. I think another of the old guys I take care of and another guy at my favorite record store have developed little crushes on me. Why not Jack, seriously? What do I do to get these other guys to like me but not the guy I want? I still don't understand, after almost 4 years of knowing Jack. Despite the fact that he and I understand each other in all kinds of crazy ways and get along really well, he goes for some other girl who treats him like shit most of the time. >_> What the hell, Jack? I think that's really it for today. Thank you so much for reading, love you guys.
Today's song is "Knives and Pens" by Black Veil Brides
BYE!!!!!!!!!

Sick again..this sucks

HEY!!!!!!
Hi guys, and good morning. I'm home sick again, though I'll probably have to drag my ass into work for at least a while tomorrow. Danny's birthday party went surprisingly well, Cory told Cassie it wouldn't be appropriate to bring her boyfriend, so I didn't have to. I owe him for that, because I really didn't want to have to be the one to say it. She took it much better from him than she would have from me, believe me. I was complaining a little bit about being sick, and Mike said "If you need anything, I'll be right there. You just have to ask. You've been a really good friend to me and Jack, and it seems like the least I can do for you in return." Aww, right? I don't know what I did to deserve such an amazing friend. I love this guy!!

 It's really too bad they're leaving on tour again in a little while. I'm going to miss him and Jack so much while they're gone, I always do. My aunt might be coming over from Austria next year, it's so awesome. I really hope she comes over. I wonder sometimes what I did to deserve all of these great people in my life. I've been thinking a lot about what to do in Tokyo, there's so much to cram into five or six days. It's really too bad that's the maximum I can afford to stay there. I think mostly I'm going to do nerdy anime shit that no one else wants to do with me, but I'm dying to do. I'm probably going to stay in bed most of the day and watch some anime I've been meaning to watch but haven't had time for today. I've been re-watching the Nana anime, it's still awesome. I think Nana Osaki is my favorite, Hachi can be annoying sometimes, though I also understand her feelings at times. It's still one of my favorite anime, even though it isn't new. I should probably

check if there any good new anime coming out. I love that Jaime loves Nana too, even though it's technically a "girls'" manga. I'm so glad I met him, it's always nice to have someone who shares your interests and doesn't make you feel weird about being into whatever you're into. I think that's about it for now, my little anime marathon is about to begin. ^_^ Thank you so much for reading, guys. Love you.




Today's song is" 17 Crimes" by AFI
BYE!!!!!!!

God damn it....

HEY!!!!!!!
Cassie asked if it's okay to bring her boyfriend along to Danny's birthday party, and I don't know what to do. The decision has basically come down to me, and I hate that I've once again been forced into the middle of something I wanted no part of in the first place. I talked to Mark and Danny, and they both seem to think it's a bad idea. I love those two more than I can say, I swear to God no one understands me as well as those two guys. I really don't want him to come along, since Cassie is the only one who knows him and this is supposed to be a strictly family thing. This would be kind of like me bringing Jack to Danny's birthday party. I wouldn't do that unless I were engaged to the fucking guy or something, I just think it's going to be really uncomfortable and the entire time he's going to be sitting there and judging us. What really sucks is that Mom doesn't seem to understand my objections to Cassie's boyfriend coming along. >_> How can she not get this? All right, I'm just going to tell Cassie I don't want her boyfriend there. I don't care if she's mad at me, I just am sick and tired of being placed in the middle all the time. Mike's grandma's funeral is going to be on Monday, poor guy. He said at least she got to live a long and happy life, which is really all anyone can ask for. She was 100 years old, so that in itself is pretty amazing. I miss Mike and Jack. I still really wish Jack reciprocated my feelings, you know? We'd be so cute together.

  I don't know why I keep reopening this old wound, it's so stupid to keep harping on this subject when I know it changes nothing. I hate that so much, even though I know there's nothing I can do. I'm still angry that I've been forced to make this decision, because if I say no, which I'm going to, it makes me look like a bitch. Why should I care about Cassie's feelings though, when she so rarely thinks of mine? Because I'm supposed to be a better person than that, right? Why do I always have to give in or give up when everyone else gets to do and say exactly what they want? I think that's about all for today, I don't think I'm going to write tomorrow. Danny's birthday party is tomorrow, and I'm going to be there for him if no one else. Thank you so much for reading, love you guys.
Today's song is "People=shit" by Slipknot
BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jack ^_^

HEY!!!!
I finally found Danny a birthday present, and I really hope he likes it. I had another very weird conversation with Jack last night, he said two things that I was thinking without my having to say a word to him about it, again. I know this isn't a huge deal, but it means something to me. He was also putting himself down like I do all the time, using the same words I would use. It's kind of weird that he knows me this well already, I only usually have that kind of connection with people I've known most of my life. It just makes me happy knowing that we have this much in common. Cory seems to be doing a lot better, and I hope that isn't just for show. I love him and just really want to see him happy. I planned Danny's birthday party too, and now I'm working on Thanksgiving. God damn it, I still don't see how this always becomes my job. I started watching the "Fairy Tail" anime, and dig it so far. Too bad it's been cancelled. I dig Grey, so cute. It's pretty much official that I'm going to Tokyo alone, Mark was thinking of going along, but decided he didn't want to. At least I know now what to plan for, I can more or less just do whatever I want for five or six days. I think that's it for today. Thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is "Vampires will never hurt you" by My Chemical Romance
BYE!!!!!!!