HEY!!!!
I'm feeling really tired today, and I don't think it's because I spent the last 5 hours on my feet. I hope I didn't piss Jack off by declining to go to his next show, but I can't afford it. It's a really long drive there and back, too. I'm just not up for it. I hope it won't effect our friendship, you know? It seems like everyone's as busy as I am. I just don't want to be left out, I want all of these people in my life. I'd really like to know what they all think of me, and I hope it isn't anything bad. I shouldn't start moping, though, because I did that; thinking everyone was kind of ignoring me, then 3 people all wanted to talk at once. I should be happy to have them all, and I am. I'm particularly glad about how things are going with Cassie, I'm so glad she actually hugged me and said she loved me. Is it lame that I want to get along with my sister that badly? She and I are still kind of opposites in some ways but as long as we can respect each others' differences, I think we'll be fine. 
I wish I could make that much progress in my relationship with Jack, but it's so much harder with him. After all, it took Cassie and I years to work out our problems. I don't really understand why Danny, Mark and I get along so well without even trying. I guess I should be happy that it's all working out in that respect, and shut the hell up and quit questioning everything. I want very much to believe that all my relationships are going to be fine, and that I don't need to keep screwing with things, but relationships can easily go to hell if they're not kept up. That might be true, but it's the sheer volume of relationships that I need to keep up that bothers me. I think I might be what's called a Highly Sensitive Person, someone who easily gets overwhelmed by lots of people, loud noises, and complex social situations. Or, maybe it's just that I've complicated the shit out of my life, despite the fact that I claim to love simplicity, and now I'm struggling a bit to deal with it all. I know fully that I brought most of this on myself, especially when it comes to Jack and his friends. It's amazing I could keep my ass at their shows since normally all the noise and people there would make me nervous. Instead, I sing, dance and cheer. 
I like that, though. Believe me, with my job, I need the stress relief that gives me. They're my stress relief, and I love them for that. I also love that they're willing to befriend me. I love that I can dress more or less however I want at work, at least. For instance, I look something like the girl to the left today, but with a Metallica shirt. I kind of hope things will get easier for me, even though I really have nothing to bitch about. I have to work harder at being more social and open. I think I've even been standoff-ish with Jack, lately. Obviously, that's not going to help make us better friends. I just tend to push people away because I get overwhelmed sometimes by simple conversations, especially if I have to talk about something that I don't want to talk about. Mark was telling me I'm fragile yesterday; he meant physically, but I think I'm more fragile emotionally. I think another reason Cassie and I had problems for years is that I take everything seriously, and she didn't take anything seriously and I wanted her to get serious. Now that she's gotten serious and is taking care of herself, and doing great at it, we're good. She's even getting straight "A"s in school. I think that's really it for today.
I wish I could make that much progress in my relationship with Jack, but it's so much harder with him. After all, it took Cassie and I years to work out our problems. I don't really understand why Danny, Mark and I get along so well without even trying. I guess I should be happy that it's all working out in that respect, and shut the hell up and quit questioning everything. I want very much to believe that all my relationships are going to be fine, and that I don't need to keep screwing with things, but relationships can easily go to hell if they're not kept up. That might be true, but it's the sheer volume of relationships that I need to keep up that bothers me. I think I might be what's called a Highly Sensitive Person, someone who easily gets overwhelmed by lots of people, loud noises, and complex social situations. Or, maybe it's just that I've complicated the shit out of my life, despite the fact that I claim to love simplicity, and now I'm struggling a bit to deal with it all. I know fully that I brought most of this on myself, especially when it comes to Jack and his friends. It's amazing I could keep my ass at their shows since normally all the noise and people there would make me nervous. Instead, I sing, dance and cheer. 
I like that, though. Believe me, with my job, I need the stress relief that gives me. They're my stress relief, and I love them for that. I also love that they're willing to befriend me. I love that I can dress more or less however I want at work, at least. For instance, I look something like the girl to the left today, but with a Metallica shirt. I kind of hope things will get easier for me, even though I really have nothing to bitch about. I have to work harder at being more social and open. I think I've even been standoff-ish with Jack, lately. Obviously, that's not going to help make us better friends. I just tend to push people away because I get overwhelmed sometimes by simple conversations, especially if I have to talk about something that I don't want to talk about. Mark was telling me I'm fragile yesterday; he meant physically, but I think I'm more fragile emotionally. I think another reason Cassie and I had problems for years is that I take everything seriously, and she didn't take anything seriously and I wanted her to get serious. Now that she's gotten serious and is taking care of herself, and doing great at it, we're good. She's even getting straight "A"s in school. I think that's really it for today. Today's song is "Vanitas" 
by Dir en Grey
by Dir en Grey BYE!!!!!!!
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