Happy New Year!!!

HEY!!!!
I'm writing from Kyle's right now and am really glad I get to wish you guys all a happy new year. I won't say this year hasn't been tough for me- because that would be a lie. Kyle's watching me right now and smiling, because he says when I write I look my happiest and he wants me to be happy. He isn't wrong about that, it's probably when I feel my happiest too. I actually started writing a short novel, and was so pissed off to find my computer saw fit to erase all but the first 16 pages of it. I can't tell you the rage I flew into when I saw that, and that was the first time Kyle ever saw me really angry. He didn't really know what to do, so he just held me as I sobbed angry tears at the thought of having to retype 200 fucking pages. Luckily, that was exactly what I needed from him and I love him for it. But seriously- I finally fucking work up the guts to try to write a novel and this happens. He just put his arm around me to keep me from flipping out on him, lol. I have to say my boyfriend rocks. Christmas was amazing, we had so much fun together. I'm so glad that Mom likes (or seems to) like Kyle. I think she likes Patrick, Cassie's boyfriend, too. I really want to go into next year with a good outlook. I could definitely stand to work on that some more. I'm still considering spending time in Japan alone, part of me still thinks it would be good for me to have to stand on my own for once. I think that's about it for now.
Today's song is "Drain Away" by Dir En Grey
BYE!!!!

  

Feeling better again

HEY!!
I'm feeling a lot better now. I'm sorry my last few entries were a little depressing. I have to say, Kyle's been so good to me. I'm a lucky woman to have such a loving and understanding boyfriend. I'm glad he truly seems to love seeing me happy. I should learn to look at the good things in life, and not just the bad all the time. I have a family, friends, and boyfriend who all love me and want me to be happy. I need to learn to find happiness within myself, but having other people who make me happy helps more than I can say. I'm excited to have everyone over for Christmas. This will be the first time Cassie and I will be inviting our boyfriends over so I'm a little nervous about that, but more than anything I'm just excited to spend some quality time with the people who love me. I'm also having coffee with Angela next Saturday, and going shopping with Ariana, Cory's best friend, next Sunday. I'm kind of glad to be doing anything but work at this point. It feels like I've been so isolated that I've barely had to time to do anything but work and I think that's why I was feeling so down. I kind of had to dig myself out of that hole and push myself to spend time with friends, while I still have them. I wish I didn't have a tendency to act like that, where I cut people off and push them away when I really need them with me. I've been trying to work on my relationship with Dad, and I like to think it's going well but I hate that he always sneaks in some snarky ass comments about how I live. It's weird to me that he seems convinced that I need to be married, yet he's a two time divorcee and both marriages fell apart because of him. I don't want to start any fights over that with him, but it bugs me so much. I think that's it for now.
Today's song is "Ain't Afraid to Die " by Dir En Grey

Disappointing

HEY!!!
I'm still feeling like I'm disappointing everyone and I can't stand it. I'm spending tomorrow with Kyle, but at the expense of going bowling with Cassie, Mom, Danny, and Mark. I hate how Mom reacts on the rare occasion I tell her no. She acts like I'm betraying her almost when I don't do what she wants and that hurts so bad every time, I love Mom and always have, but I hate when she acts like that. It isn't like I haven't spent a lot of time with her and my family and done a lot in my own way to benefit them. I wouldn't think that a day alone with the boyfriend I finally have is too much to ask, right? I don't like when people act in a passive-aggressive way, and Mom is easily one of the most passive-aggressive people I've ever met. I just wish there were some magical way to make and keep everyone happy. I finally introduced Kyle to Dad and it was as big a disaster as you can imagine, I don't know why I bother sometimes, I had to apologize to Kyle for the way Dad treated him. That's what makes me so crazy, Dad was the one saying the loudest that I needed a boyfriend, and now that I have one, he fucking hates him. That being said, I still don't want to disappoint my parents. >_>  What am I supposed to do? I know my parents love me in their own flawed ways, but I think I've let them call the shots far too often. I'm so confused right now. I don't want to disappoint them, but I rail against their expectations more and more inside I think that's it for now.
Today's song is "Shokubeni" by Dir En Grey
BYE!!!!

Working, working, working

HEY!!!
I'm glad to be back here again, I'm feeling a little sad today. Mike sent me a text yesterday talking about something that Jack said about music and its healing powers and said "I swear this sounds just like something you would say. It's crazy how much alike you two are." I  think he's right, and that might have been the problem between us. I hate that I had to agree with Mike right away on that, but again I think Jack and I were too much alike to have a functional relationship. Especially because we're making relationships work with other people and it feels much easier than our relationship (such as it was) with each other ever was. That's not to say I don't still miss him and wish we could have stayed friends but his wife and Kyle would never allow that. I know it's good that he and I are moving on with our lives, but he's still one of the best friends I've ever had and I miss having someone understand my thoughts and feelings as easily as he did. I'm going to switch subjects now because thinking about him still makes me sad. I'm still faithfully studying my Japanese and it's getting a little easier, but I hate Kanji with a passion. I think it does help to listen to Japanese music, and to that end Kyle pre-ordered the Dir En Grey Greatest Hits vol.1 for Christmas and I can't wait. I love having a boyfriend who's also a Dir En Grey fan, lol. I love that he's also learning Japanese. I think that's about it for now. Thank you for reading.

Today's song is " Audience Killer Loop" by Dir En Grey
BYE!!!!!

What a month

HEY!!!
It's been such a long month. I've been so busy, but it's what I'm used to at this point. I'm feeling very stressed out. I actually started crying to Kyle the other day because I'm feeling spread so thin. I feel like I haven't really given him, my friends, or family the attention they deserve. This is exactly what I was afraid of with Jack, and it's happening with Kyle too. I love my family, friends, and Kyle but wish I had more time to give them all. It's nice to have a boyfriend to cry to, but I hate doing that. I need to let myself lean on him more though, and I'm still a little reluctant to do it. That's part of a relationship though, isn't it?  I'm glad to say that Cory is doing well in rehab and  it turns out he and his girlfriend are going to get married. It's funny to think that my little brother is getting married before me. I really don't know if I ever want to get married, but I'm happy that Cory's found a girl who makes him so happy. I'm still getting to know her, but all that really matters is she and Cory are happy together. I'm still getting ready for Christmas and hate feeling like I'm behind on that too, I'm going to have Kyle here with my family for Christmas and it's going to be a bit crazy but at the same time I want them to get to know him. Cassie also has a new boyfriend, and is bringing him too. I hope our boyfriends get along with each other and with Mom. I think that's basically all for right now. Thank you for reading.
Today's song is "Shokubeni" by Dir En Grey
BYE!!!!!!!

Danny's birthday, Thanksgiving plans, and Christmas prep

HEY!!!!
I'm glad to be back again. I'm looking forward to celebrating Danny's birthday and Thanksgiving. I'm also looking forward to Christmas, though Cassie and Cory can't be here for it. I'm glad Cory's getting help in rehab, but I really miss him at the same time. I feel sorry for him knowing he's going to miss out on seeing his family this Christmas, but he didn't see us last year either- because he was blackout drunk. He needs help and I think he even has to admit it at this point. Cassie doesn't want Cory to be alone on Christmas though, and is going to see him that day. I wish things could be simpler. I thought with Jack now out of my life that maybe my life would be a little bit simpler, but I was wrong. Maybe that's because I haven't totally pushed him out of my heart yet. I know it upsets Kyle when I mention Jack, so I don't talk about him in front of him anymore. He knows some of the pain Jack's caused me, and doesn't care that I caused Jack some pain too. I'm still going to help Mom decorate her house for Christmas though, because it always makes her happy to light up the Christmas tree and hang the stockings. I know she's going to miss Cassie and Cory though. That was the point of having this big Christmas celebration every year, so she got to see all of her kids in the same place at the same time again. I have to admit, I would miss the hell out of my family at times like that if I moved to Japan. I'd have to come home for Christmas. Is it weird to love your family so much yet also feel kind of smothered by them? I need to get off my ass and get some of my Christmas shopping done. I have good ideas on what to get everyone, luckily. I  kind of feel like I need to hang out with my friends more too, I've been so wrapped up in work, Kyle, and my family that I haven't had much time lately even for Angela, who is my best friend in the entire world. I say that, and immediately the guilt sets in for not making more of an effort with Jack to fit him into my life. I've made it work so far with Kyle because he's far less proud and stubborn than I am. I think that's all for today. 
Toady's song is "Fade to Black" by Metallica 
BYE!!!!

 

Post Halloween babble

HEY!!!!!!!!!!
I'm glad to be back again. I'm definitely a little sad that Halloween is over, though. I got a call from Mom the other day saying that Grandma isn't doing very well and I'm really worried. I might have to make an impromptu trip to Austria if Grandma doesn't start feeling better. I lost my grandpa in 2006 and am not ready to lose Grandma too. I'm not ready to lose anyone. I know Mom feels guilty for moving so far away, and this lead to an interesting discussion between us. We got to talking about Cassie and I both expressing a desire to move away from here and though Mom seemed to be all right with the idea, I could tell she had misgivings. I could understand not wanting your daughters to leave, especially since I want to move to Japan. Mom said she felt she'd been selfish and felt guilty about having those thoughts, though. I'm glad she realized that, but I don't want her to feel guilty. I know we're all we have and that's our strength as a family. I was so afraid to express my desire to move to Japan or even admit that I'd been thinking about it. My parents are not always the most supportive or understanding people, and aren't likely to want their daughter to move so far away. Sometimes, I feel like that's the only way for me to have a fresh start. I still want that, and I still think Mom wanted a fresh start away from her mom, too. I love Grandma, but she doesn't always treat Mom very well and I see a lot of that reflected in how Mom treats me sometimes. I know Mom feels like she hurt Grandma by moving so far away, but I understand her desire for a new start where she has to stand totally on her own. I talked to Cassie yesterday about her new boyfriend, and she seems really happy with him. She said she isn't going to date the best looking guys anymore because the last 2 she's dated have been absolute assholes who treated her terribly and she doesn't want to go through that again. I totally understand, and told her she deserves to be treated well. I would really miss these little moments of sisterly closeness between us if we did live on different sides of the world. I think if I did move to Japan, Cassie would be the first to visit me. 👯  I think that's all for now.
Today's song is "Drain Away" by Dir En Grey
BYE!!!!!

Getting back on track

HEY!!!

I'm honestly going to do my best to keep this blog up to date if anyone is still interested in reading it. It's much better for me to write, I always feel better when I have the chance to sit and do this. I can talk about lighter, less serious things today. I'm of course still watching anime, and one of the best new series I've seen so far is "The Ancient Magus Bride" I really like the whole aspect of magic and the supernatural in it. I also like that there's a bit of humor in it. I also finally got to see Kuroko no Basuke Last Game", and really enjoyed it though I'm sad the series itself is over. I loved that the movie had more Atsushi Murasakibara in it, I just love him. It was also awesome seeing them all play as a team. All right, that's enough. I also know they're going to make more "Free Iwatobi Swim Club" movies, and I can't wait for that. 💓All right, enough of me fangirling. I've been practicing my Japanese a little bit, but need to make more time for that. I'm hoping I can still learn enough at least to get by if I do decide to try for a job in Japan. I really don't think Mom would understand, though. Despite the fact that she came here by herself to work when she was only 19. I have to admit everything isn't perfect with my parents still.Mom just refuses to listen to any point of view that isn't hers or aligns perfectly with hers and that makes it so much more difficult to talk to her despite the fact that I could really use her advice and insight sometimes.  There's still so much about me that I don't think my dad will ever understand, and he treats me like some helpless little princess which is never helpful. 👸 Mom also has a very "With me or against me" way of looking at things, which makes trying to reason with her impossible sometimes. This shit is part of why I want to move away though. On a lighter note, I'm so excited for Halloween 👻👻👻 I think that's all for right now. Today's song is "Vinshuka" by Dir En Grey
BYEEEE!!!!

 

Back Again

HEY!!!
I'm SO sorry I haven't written anything in a long time. I don't do this deliberately, but so much shit has happened I can't keep up. I lost my friend Jessica a few weeks ago, and I still can't get over it. We had our first snow of the season, and her car slid off a bridge into the river. I can't tell you how much this hurts. Her funeral was one of the saddest days of my entire life and it's only now that I can write about it. Cory is also in rehab again, I'm praying he actually quits drinking this time. I miss him a lot, and actually just got a call from him, but it's better that he goes through this program and I hope it helps him. I'm using my old computer again because the new one I bought isn't worth shit and I had to get rid of it. I'm trying to think of some positive things to write about. Kyle and I are still together, though long distance relationships are really difficult. That's another part of the reason I haven't written much, I went to spend some time with him. That reignites the  guilt I felt for not seeing Jack when he asked me to come see him. Yes, I know it was a long way to travel and I had work more often than not, but I still feel like I should have put in the time and effort to go see him. Why would I do this for Kyle and not Jack, right? What makes one guy more worthy than the other?  I know I loved Jack, but why not try to show it more? I've also been looking into spending time in Japan. I might be able to get an English teaching job over there and I feel like a change of scenery would be really good for me. I know it seems like I'm just running from my problems, and maybe I am, but part of me just wants to get away from all the bad things here. The only problem with the idea of going to Japan is my family would really miss me, Mom and Mark in particular. I haven't brought up the subject yet with my parents or siblings, because part of me is afraid to. Cassie is thinking of moving across the country after a really bad break up and Mom is totally against it. Imagine me moving across the Pacific. Ultimately, we would both be moving because of a guy.I would really miss my family, no question, but the sense of freedom I felt when even thinking about moving to Japan was amazing. Cory was saying rehab isn't terrible. but he wishes he could see us, he gets lonely. I know that would be a problem for me too if I moved to Japan. I've never really had to be totally self-sufficient though because my family's always been there for me. Maybe that wasn't always good for me though, I don't want to depend on other people for everything. I think that's it for right now. I'm going to be back tomorrow. I promise.
Today's song is " One" by Metallica
BYE!!!!!

Family

HEY!!!
I'm so glad I get to write again. This week has been so stressful. Every time I see Mom and Mark it seems like they're arguing over something stupid that really doesn't matter and I get so tired of trying to play mediator. I've felt this way for a long time, but am actually close to saying something about it for once. They both complain to me about the other too, just like Mom and Dad do.  😢 I don't want to keep being put in the middle of fights that aren't mine and shouldn't really be fights in the first place. What do I do? I want to speak up about this shit, but then I'm worried they're going to say I don't get to speak up because it doesn't involve me. Yet it affects me too, you know?  I really just want to have a normal, happy family. I guess I'm doing all right, otherwise. I had a dream about Jack  last night, and almost woke up in tears. I know this pain is going to take some time to heal but I wish I could start the process already. Obviously, my subconscious also knows I'm not totally over him yet. I think that's about it for now that you some much for reading.
BYE!!!!

Today's song is "Nemesis" by Arch Enemy

Two terrible weeks

HEY!!!!I'm sorry I was gone for a while again. These have been 2 of the worst weeks of this year. My uncle died a few days ago. I got a call from my aunt late Wednesday night, telling me he'd passed away. I feel guilty for not going to Austria to see him and my aunt now. I know I should probably spend more time over there with my family, but it's so expensive. Seriously, it was less than half the price to fly to Tokyo than it would have been to fly to Vienna. Was I being selfish for going to Japan instead of Austria? I was chatting with Sabrina  last week and she seemed so disappointed that I'm not planning on flying over there anytime  soon. I hope I'm not pushing them all away to the point where they won't want to see me anymore when I go back there. Speaking of people I've pushed away, Jack is officially a married man and my heart needs some time to adjust to that. Mike went to the wedding and told me Jack and his wife looked so happy. I can just imagine his beautiful smile as they walked out of the church together. I'm going to be fine eventually, but this wound is still a little too new to really pick at anymore right now. I want Jack to be happy, and I'm happy with Kyle; but long distance relationships suck ass. I still haven't told anyone but Angela about Kyle and myself yet, I'm so afraid of how everyone's going to react. My parents are going to hate him, I know it. At least then Dad might shut up about my finding a boyfriend, but I'm still not ready to tell him. Mom's going to be the next person to find out, I just have to prepare her a bit. Cory got in trouble for drinking and driving again, his 2nd DUI, and I'm so disappointed in him. For a while he'd really quit drinking, and things were going so well for him. I don't know what happened to make him think he needed to  drink again, but I'm so fucking upset he didn't resist that impulse. He's going to be on probation until he's almost 29, and that sucks. I know he was upset by the loss of our uncle too, but that isn't the way to handle things. I also wanted to mention Chester Bennington's death, it was so sad. I know I'm not the only person who was touched by the lyrics he wrote and the words he sang, but I'm going to say my piece anyway. I was one of the probably millions of angry, lonely, scared kids who bought Linkin Park's first 2 albums and found solace and peace in their music, I felt validated and understood by someone I knew I'd never meet, and that was enough to get me through that. I still say "Numb" puts my feelings about Mom into words better than I ever could, and I still listen to that song. I guess that's really all I wanted to say about that. Thank you for reading.
BYE!!!!

Back again ^_^

HEY!!!

I'm so glad to be back again. It feels good to be writing again, I missed it while I didn't have a computer and didn't feel like writing. I'm going to a fireworks display with my family tonight, and I think it's going to be really nice and relaxing, which is what I need. I haven't told anyone about dating Kyle yet, I'm afraid of what they're going to think of him and I don't want anyone putting him down. I'm trying to rid my life of all traces of Jack. but it's so difficult. I've been doing a lot to try and distract myself. I saw an episode of "Little Witch Academia" in Japan and loved it, so I've been watching a lot of it now that they've finally brought it to the U.S.  I just thought it was cute and funny, and I liked the art style. I'm also really looking forward to the 3DS version of "Pokémon Soul Silver" that's coming out this Fall, since that's one of the few "Pokémon" games I didn't get to play originally. I've been trying to get into new music too, but few bands have really impressed me. I'm finally coming around to Ghost BC, though I know they're not really a new band. I didn't really give them a fair chance though, if I'm honest. I'm thinking of staying in Japan for a while, like I said yesterday. I just want a fresh start and to be alone for a while to truly figure things out. I think I understand part of why Mom came here from Austria by herself, she needed to be far away from everything over there. If I remember right, she was also trying to get over a guy. I might wish I'd never fallen in love with Jack. but what's done is done. I think that's it for now. Thank you for reading.

Today's song is "Circie" by Ghost BC

BYE!!!!

New computer, new month, a lot of the same shit

HEY!!!!
I finally gave up the ghost on my old computer, it wasn't worth fixing again. I'm loving my new computer so far, but am still a little nervous about using it. I don't want to ruin it like I did my other 2. Jack is getting married in 10 days and I just can't stand to see all the happy wedding and honeymoon pictures that are bound to show up. I finally found the strength to take him off my Facebook friends list, which I know I should have done long ago. I still miss him so much, and it fucking breaks my heart to let him go, but I know for my own good I have to. I guess that's taking a baby step in the right direction, but that doesn't mean it was easy or that it didn't really hurt. I'm also still considering taking an extended trip to Japan, just to get my head right again and help me reevaluate what's really important to me and who's really important to me. I still have arguments with my dad as to why I'm not married, and he still regards me as a failure because I'm not. 😠 I haven't told him about kind of going out with Kyle, I'm not ready to unleash my dad upon the poor guy. It doesn't seem fair to Kyle though to pursue anything further with me when I'm still not over Jack and he knows it. I do like him, but I'm afraid I'm going to bring whatever we have down if I don't fully deal with my feelings for Jack first. I really like him though, and don't want to ruin this. 😗 Is it better that I'm finally feeling like I could move on now? That's another reason for my long absence from here, I've been trying to deal with all my emotional shit and put myself back together. I think that's it for now, but I really will try to post more now that I'm doing somewhat better emotionally. Thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is " Zakuro" by Dir En Grey
BYE!!!!

I'm back, sorry to be gone so long

HEY!!!!
I'm really sorry for my lack of upkeep on this blog. It's been so long since I've really had any time to myself. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but I can't exactly get my thoughts sorted out unless I have peace and quiet and a fair amount of time to write. I've been thinking again about moving to Japan. I don't want to tell my parents how seriously I've been considering this, just because I feel I need a change of scenery so badly. I know Jack's wedding is coming up and quite frankly the less I hear about it the better. I don't blame him for going with a girl who was willing to give him the time and attention he deserves, but that doesn't mean it doesn't break my fucking heart. Part of the reason I've been so busy is that I've been trying to distract myself from these thoughts, but it only goes so far. I know I don't necessarily want to be alone forever, but I don't want to be with a guy I don't really love just to say that at least I have a guy. Maybe I am a victim of my own picky and hard headed nature in that respect. Anyway, enough about my man troubles. I should probably fill you guys in on what else has been going on in my life. I'm going to see "Pirates of the Caribbean; Dead Men Tell no Tales" later and "Wonder Woman" next weekend. It makes me happy to go to the movies, so that's what I do if I get depressed. I can't help thinking of Jack's love of the Pirates movies and how that helped us grow closer as friends, and I hate it. I really can't wait to see "Kuroko no Basuke; Last Game" when it comes out on Blu-ray or DVD, I wish I'd had the guts to tell Cassie that I wanted to go see this movie was in theaters in Japan when we were there and it was playing. I wouldn't have needed subtitles, I'm really improving my Japanese. Cassie doesn't like sports anime and doesn't get why I do and I really didn't want to start an argument over something relatively minor like this. I'm also going swimming after I finish writing, it's been hotter than hell lately. My family life is going as well as can be expected, though I still have trouble getting my parents to understand my feelings often. I think that's it for today, thank you for reading.
Today's song is Zakuro" by Dir En Grey \
BYE!!!!!

 

Meeting Kyle in person, and a whirlwind trip to Japan

HEY!!!!!
I'm so sorry I haven't written in such a long time. I was so busy with last minute preparations for our trip before we left, and I ran out of time to write. I got a Facebook message from Kyle in Japan, asking if I wanted to meet him in Shibuya. He's so cute in person, and very charming. I have to admit it was difficult not to be charmed by him. Cassie was hanging out with her friend who moved over there at the time, so we ate and went shopping for a few hours. Was that a date? It was so nice to see him, and it was good not to think about Jack for a while. I truly loved our trip to Japan, but even in two weeks we didn't get to do everything that we wanted to. We got to see a beach, cherry blossoms, and a lot of beautiful places. I also got a lot of shopping done. I wish I could have seen "Kuroko no Basuke Last Game", but Cassie never would have wanted to go so I didn't suggest it. I can't wait to get it on Blu-Ray, though. I think that's about it for now. I'm going to be back tomorrow.
Today's song is " Vanitas" by Dir En Grey
BYE!!!!!! \

SO EXCITED!!!!

HEY!!!!
I'm so excited right now, I can't begin to describe it. Cassie and I leave very early Wednesday morning, and it's going to be a good trip. I can feel it. Part of the reason I haven't been here very much lately is that I've been making preparations and figuring things out so hopefully things will go smoothly once we get there. I know the cherry blossoms in Tokyo will be blooming, so first thing Thursday morning we're going to go see them. I've actually had some help from Cassie with the planning and it's been great to have her input and ideas, not just mine, to go on. We've figured out where we want to go, eat, and shop. 💙💙 It makes it so much easier when she helps, believe me. I'm so glad to have a normal, healthy relationship with my sister again, and to feel like sisters again. All I ever really wanted was for us to get along and be able to have fun together. I've been bothered by Jason a few more times. How many times until he gets I'm not interested or it qualifies as harassment or stalking? I hate it when guys act like this. It doesn't help that I happen to live in the same building that he does. I love living here, though, and I'm not going anywhere. One good thing to happen lately is Kyle sent me some really cute Yuri on Ice buttons from Japan, and I've added a few of them to my bag It's weird how Kyle didn't bother me, but Jason just has a totally different feel to him. All right, back to the trip. We're going to Sanrio Puro Land and it's funny that Cassie suggested it, because I thought it would be something she'd love. We're going to muss our chance to go to the Ghibli Museum again, though. I think that's about it for today.
Today's song is "570" by Motionless in White
BYE!!!!

Leaving in 11 days. holy shit

HEY!!!!
Sorry again for the delay in my writing. I'm very excited about japan, I've really missed it. Cassie has also been helping to plan things like I wish she'd done almost 7 fucking years ago when we went the first time. I do worry in a way that traveling with her won't be as much fun as traveling alone, but I spend too much time alone as it is. She also wants me to meet a friend of hers who moved to Tokyo. I'm nervous, but she was so excited for the two of us to meet, I couldn't say no. I was so happy about the back and forth between us and the healthy way we were able to handle planning this trip, It's so good to finally feel like I have a normal, healthy relationship with my sister again. I'm sorry to say we won't make it to the Ghibli Museum again, luckily Cassie didn't get pissed at that. I was truly  relieved at that. I haven't heard anymore from Ryan, the guy I mentioned last time. I'm just tired of being bothered when in this case I really want to be left alone. I talked to Mike for a bit and he's so excited that they get to play another big festival, It's so awkward talking to him, knowing he's Jack's best friend. We're usually careful not to mention Jack when we talk, but he's a bit of an elephant in the room. I hate that my heart still skips a beat at the sound of his name or voice. I think that's it for now, thank you for reading.
Today's song is Uroko by Dir En Grey
BYE!!!   

Running into Jack

HEY!!!!

I'm sorry I haven't written in a while. I was playing Overwatch last weekend and you won't believe who they matched me up against, fucking Jack. I couldn't believe it when I heard his voice. He made a really funny joke, and I couldn't help but laugh. It felt so good to hear him laugh too, and for a split second it felt like old times between us. It was so painful being dragged back to reality after that brief, beautiful moment with him. Unfortunately nothing changes the fact that I fucked up our relationship and he's still in love with and engaged to another woman. I hate that all he has to do is laugh and my heart skips a beat.I hate that I'm having so much trouble letting him go. I still miss him, too. I had a much less bittersweet and much creepier experience the day. One of my neighbors, Jason, has it in his head that he likes me and wants to go out with me. He's tried to friend me twice on Facebook using different names, tries to talk to me everyday as I'm going upstairs to my apartment, and he just won't leave me alone. I've told him I'm not interested, but he keeps bothering me and I want him to stop. I don't want him to start stalking me or something, he already knows where I live after all. I don't know why I seem to attract the creepy guys yet push away the sweet, beautiful, funny ones. I have to admit Jack's sense of humor is part of what made me fall in love with him, along with his smile, laugh, and his love for and dedication to his music. I can't believe that at this time next month Cassie and I are going to be in Japan again, I can't fucking wait. I was asked again why I don't try to move there, and maybe I should at least try. I do worry what it would do to my family, though, and my parents in particular. Part of me really does want to get away from Jack, but I wonder if even putting the Pacific Ocean between us would be enough. I would still miss him, probably for a long time. I think that's about it for now, I promise to write more and keep this going.
Today's song is "Zakuro" by Dir en Grey
BYE!!!!!!

Coffee chat with Kyle, but why?

HEY!!!
I'm sorry I haven't been here lately. I talked to Kyle a few days ago, and it was nice but I found myself asking why  I was doing it. I don't know if he really just wants to be friends or if he might actually like me. I don't feel for him what I still feel for Jack, I can't help it. He's cute and charming and shit, but I'm not in love with him. I hate that it feels wrong to talk to him since I'm still in love with Jack. Kyle is in Japan right now and we were talking about Japan and how awesome and beautiful it is. In 2 months Cassie and I are going to be hanging out in Nagoya and I can't wait. I think that's about it for now. Thank you so much for reading this.
Today's song is " Aureilia" by AFI
BYE!!!!!

Travel planning, coffee, and otaku things

HEY!!
I'm trying to get the hotels booked soon for Cassie and I.  I want everything to go smoothly, I fucking refuse to have her make fun of me and talk down to me like she did for half our last trip to Japan. I should have done this sooner, but it took her forever to figure out how long she wanted to stay in Tokyo. That's one benefit of traveling alone, I could decide everything and the only person I had to make happy was myself. I'm going to get my nails done today, and want a cute manicure. They have a Sailor Moon themed manicure, and I think I'll go with that.💅💅 Then, a trip to Starbucks is in order.  I went grocery shopping after work yesterday, and this clerk I've seen before asks me if I've seen Hellsing, to which I replied only a few episodes, and it wasn't really for me. He seemed a bit disappointed, and said "You're killing me, girl. I would have expected better of you. It's not often I meet otaku girls, though, so it's okay." He always seems a bit flirtatious though, and I'm not down for that. Are otaku girls really tough to find? I guess maybe otaku girls just don't talk to him. I got my figure of Atsushi Murasakibara, it's beautiful. 😍 I think that's all for now.
Today's song is "The Negative One" by Slipknot
BYE!!

Becoming an even bigger nerd

HEY!!!
I'm so glad to be be back here. I finally took a chance and bought something off eBay. I saw this gorgeous figure of Atsushi Murasakibara from Kuroko no Basket that looked just like one I saw in Tokyo the last time I was there, but this one was $45 cheaper. I couldn't resist, and can't wait to actually have it. I had told myself I could find it elsewhere, but the price was too good to pass up. I wish I'd stopped there, but I found a few things from Yuri on Ice I couldn't resist, either. Sadly, this is why I don't shop online too much. I have no fucking self control. I've started playing a couple of new games, too. I haven't talked to Kyle very much lately and don't know if I should until I have my head together a bit more. He doesn't realize how messed up the pretty, smiling girl he started talking to is inside. I'm absolutely not over Jack yet, and I don't know when that will be. It wouldn't be fair to tell him lies about myself and make him think I'm better adjusted than I am. I know from experience a straight up no is kinder in this case than to lead him on. I think that's all for now.
Today's song is " Unforgiven ||" by Metallica
BYE!!

Goodbye, Agony

HEY!!!!
Happy New Year's, everyone. I talked again to my blue haired Instagram fanboy, Kyle. I think he's nice and all, but  I honestly don't think I'm in any shape to be talking to guys right now about anything very serious. I don't really know why I talked to him at all, other than I thought he was cute, too. I just can't picture this going  anywhere or going well realistically because I might not look it, but I'm a total mess inside. I hate just insecure I still am, too. I did call Mike, because I want to fix our relationship if at all possible. It made me wonder though if I'm not being selfish by holding on to him. I want to remain his friend, but he been Jack's best friend for years. 💔 I have no right to fuck that up. I can tell I'm making it more difficult for him, he feels like he has to choose sides. What do I do? These are easily the most important friendships I've formed in years. What the hell is wrong with me? I should really let him go too. I watched "My Love Story" last night, but had to quit about halfway through the series, I started crying at how happy they were. That's what I mean when I say I'm a fucking mess- such a sweet, innocent story shouldn't make me cry. Maybe I cried because it's never been that nice and easy for me and I'm jealous, I don't know. I need to leave Kyle alone and heal my wounds as it were, I think. My family and I are going to have Christmas later, because the weather was so shitty no one could make it to Mom's house. That disappoints me a little, but I can wait. I think that's all for now.
Today's song is "Goodbye Agony" by Black Veil Brides
BYE!!!!!