So much on my mind

HEY!!!!!!
Good morning, you guys. I've been doing a lot of thinking about a lot of people and things, though I don't know how much I've really got figured out. I think my dad is making a genuine effort to be more a part of my life now, and I think in a way he does regret not being there when I was a little girl, or even a teenager. Part of me thinks I should quit trying to keep him out and try to forgive him and salvage whatever I can of our relationship, though I don't really know if that's possible, either. I know in a way I've put him through hell by deliberately keeping him at arms length all this time, but it's difficult to forget how he treated Mom and that he wasn't there a single time Danny or I needed him when we were kids. I hate to say that at first I seriously thought he deserved it, but it's starting to seem cruel now and I feel bad. I did give him a hug and said "Happy Father's Day" yesterday, but that's about as nice as I've gotten so far. It's just been such a long time since he was any part of my life at all that now I have figure out how he's going to fit in, and how our relationship is going to work. All I really want to know is if I should forgive him and if I can really trust him again. What if he runs out again if I do decide to trust him again? What if he was just using me because he wants someone to help take care of him? Yeah, I have trust issues, and it's largely because of him. I think for now I've decided that I can be a little nicer, though I don't honestly know if I can fully trust him again. I've been thinking about Jack and Mike a lot, too.

 Yesterday was Mike's girlfriend's birthday, and he wrote her one of the sweetest, most beautiful notes I've ever read. I want to be loved like that, and I'm afraid Jack is not the guy to do that. I might love him, but he doesn't love me. I've been throwing myself against this particular wall for years now, and have gotten nowhere. I'm starting to ask myself what the point of continuing to do this would be, I only seem to be hurting myself. I hate to think of even trying to cut him out, but I think I might have to for my own good. He isn't going to fall in love with me any time soon, and I'm wasting my love, time, and attention on a guy who doesn't want it. This would be one of the most painful decisions I've ever had to make, since I do still love him. I ultimately have to do what's best for me, right? I was just talking to Cory, and am so happy for him. I'm so happy to see he's doing better and getting his life back together. I'm really trying to encourage him and help him in any way possible. What else is a big sister for, right? I hope so much that this works out for him, he deserves better. I really think he just can't give up, he'll make it if he keeps trying. I watched One Piece last night to try to get my mind off all of this shit, unsuccessfully. I have to say once again that I fucking love Ace. It's not just that he's gorgeous, though it helps; I really like the character. I think he's one of my favorite anime characters ever. I still will never watch
 his death scene again, I'd cry. I love this picture, I really do. I realize
it's weird to have a crush like this on an anime character, but I feel a little better knowing I'm not the only one who's done it. This makes me think of Camron and his giant crush on Rushana from Grenadier. I know I've said this before, but that asshole seriously loved an anime girl more than me. >_> I need a new subject now, sorry. Cassie and her best friend got into a fight again yesterday, and guess who got stuck into the middle of it. This girl right here. It seems Cassie wanted her friend to go pick something up for her because she didn't have time to do it herself, so she tried calling and texting her friend to make sure she'd still do this for her, only to be ignored multiple times. Cassie then called me to see if I could get her friend to answer her damn phone, which also didn't work. Her friend then comes by my apartment at about 9:00, asking if Cassie still wants her to do something for her. Cassie got pissed off, said it was pointless so late in the day, and told me to send her friend home. Cassie said it wasn't anything urgent, and she'd do it herself this weekend. It seems like I've been talking a lot today, God damn. I think that's it for now. Thanks for reading.
Today's song is "Duality" by Slipknot
BYE!!!!!!