I'm going to just mope around for a while because Jack and his band left for a show yesterday, and it's about 500 miles away. God, it bites that I can't go. I'm just all supportive and nice about it, of course. What else could I be? I know this is his dream, and he'd been dying to get out there and play for days now. I worry sometimes that I'm too nice, and don't fight for what I really want. I'm too passive and too giving, I think. I feel in a way that I'm over eager to help, while not really dealing with my own problems. This makes people think of me as something of a doormat, I think. It's one thing to be nice and giving, but it's another to let people walk all over you, and that's what I feel I do sometimes. I never demand much of anyone, because I like doing things for myself, and don't want to ask anyone else to do things I can do for myself. I don't know if this is my fault or not, I think in part at least, it is. I'm always nice about things because I think it'll help people like me more. I've mentioned I'm pretty insecure, right? I was surprised I had the guts to yell at Cory for what he did, or (eventually) tell Jack how I feel about him, but it doesn't seem to do any good. That's about as assertive as I get I'm afraid, and that's only because I felt really strongly in both situations and couldn't keep it in. I used to be really assertive. God damn high school kind of beat that out of me, and I haven't gotten it back yet. I also don't want to push myself on others, if they don't want me, you know? I worry I did that with Jack. I was always so happy when he did want me with him, I could barely contain myself. I was really happy just seeing his face, though. I just feel like I need to demand more of others, and give them less of myself until I get more in return. I wonder if my passiveness bothers my loved ones, I hope not. I hope they also like more about me than the fact that I'm willing to give almost anything for them. I need to get over this, it's not doing any good. I left him a message, saying I hope he has an amzing show and great day; like a dutiful, loving idiot. I know on some level all the shit I do is appreciated, but I still think it's too much for what I get in return, and not just from him. Don't get me wrong, I love him,
but I want him to reciprocate. Maybe it's that hint of aloofness about him that keeps me chasing after him, though. I'm listening to their newest song, it's fucking awesome. I'm not just saying that becasue I'm totally biased, either. I guess that's it for right now. Today's song is "Pens and knives" by Black Veil Brides
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