I just found out that Cassie only invited us to the amusement park we went to because her friend she invited first bailed on her and she still wanted to go and didn't have anyone else to go with. I fucking hate knowing that I was a substitute for someone else, you know? Especially after all that bullshit she was spouting about sisterly bonding. I really thought we'd grown past this This just really hurts my feelings. I thought we'd become friends. I guess I really shouldn't have believed I'd be her first choice to hang out with. I feel kind of stupid, especially because I took the entire God damn day off to spend it with her. She said that she and her best friend have been fighting like crazy and she wanted to be around someone who loves her. I can't fucking believe she lied to me like that. Okay, maybe not all of it was a lie, but most of it. She knows I'm the kind of stupid, weak-willed idiot who will do basically anything for those she loves and used that to her advantage. I hate myself sometimes for being like this. I've always been like this and wish I could quit. I've never really had the will to deprive someone I love of what they want if it's at all in my power to give it to them, you know? She got me to comfort her over the fights she's had with her friend and to give her love and companionship, and she didn't even really want me to be there. I hate being so easily used and manipulated.This also makes me wonder if others are doing the exact same thing to me and I just haven't realized it yet. Am I really that stupid? God, I don't know if I should be angrier at her for using me or angrier at myself for letting her do it. We took pictures together and we look really happy, and I hate so much that it was a lie. I hate that I still love her, too. I admit to using others (Dad, Jack, Cory, and Mark) to fend off the attention of guys I didn't like, but this is different. Okay, I think that's it for now.
Today's song is "Stillborn" by Black Label Society
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