Ouch

HEY!!!!!!
I just found out that Cassie only invited us to the amusement park we went to because her friend she invited first bailed on her and she still wanted to go and didn't have anyone else to go with. I fucking hate knowing that I was a substitute for someone else, you know? Especially after all that bullshit she was spouting about sisterly bonding. I really thought we'd grown past this This just really hurts my feelings. I thought we'd become friends. I guess I really shouldn't have believed I'd be her first choice to hang out with. I feel kind of stupid, especially because I took the entire God damn day off  to spend it with her. She said that she and her best friend have been fighting like crazy and she wanted to be around someone who loves her. I can't fucking believe she lied to me like that. Okay, maybe not all of it was a lie, but most of it. She knows I'm the kind of stupid, weak-willed idiot who will do basically anything for those she loves and used that to her advantage. I hate myself sometimes for being like this. I've always been like this and wish I could quit. I've never really had the will to deprive someone I love of what they want if it's at all in my power to give it to them, you know? She got me to comfort her over the fights she's had with her friend and to give her love and companionship, and she didn't even really want me to be there. I hate being so easily used and manipulated.This also makes me wonder if others are doing the exact same thing to me and I just haven't realized it yet. Am I really that stupid? God, I don't know if I should be angrier at her for using me or angrier at myself for letting her do it. We took pictures together and we look really happy, and I hate so much that it was a lie. I hate that I still love her, too. I admit to using others (Dad, Jack, Cory, and Mark) to fend off the attention of guys I didn't like, but this is different. Okay, I think that's it for now.
Today's song is "Stillborn" by Black Label Society

BYE!!!!

Happy yet worried

HEY!!!!!

Good morning, guys. I had a fairly good day yesterday. Mark and Cory decided to come with us and make it kind of a family trip, which was pretty nice. I forgot just how much it takes out of me to be with all of them, though. I love them all, don't get me wrong, but I have trouble carrying on 3 totally different conversations at once. I got mad at Cory and Cassie for getting sloppy drunk, too. If they want to be around me, can't they do it without drinking? God, I'm lecturing again. I was happy to be invited and everything, but I'll never understand why they do this to themselves. Okay, on to another subject. I heard from Jack again!!! Our song quote war is back on!! I can't tell you how happy this makes me. I'm so glad just to fucking talk to him again. I hate that he's gone on another tour and I don't think he'll be back for at least a month. I miss him. I love him, God damn it. I really hope I don't lose him. I want him to be careful and take care of himself, but didn't say it because he'd just get mad. I hope he will take it to heart though. I guess that's about it for right now.
Today's song is "Built to fall" by Trivium

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Quick update

HEY!!!!!!!
It feels like I haven't written in here for a really long time, sorry. Cassie and I are going to an amusement park tomorrow, and I have to admit I'm kind of excited. I know it's kind of childish, but I need a little break from the every day bullshit I deal with. I think  Jack is pissed at me for not going to his show, it sounds like it was a great one. He's been giving me the silent treatment for a few days now and I'm really worried he's lost patience with me. I can't even blame him, I turned him down 8 times. I tried to explain but my excuses have become tiresome and annoying even to my own ears. I almost even turned Cassie down when she asked if I wanted to go with her. I think I have issues if I reject my own sister, don't you? I can't just keep pushing people away. If  I'm really Jack's friend, I need to make time for us to do something(anything) together. I hope it's not too late, I want to be with  him so much it hurts. On the bright side, Sarah is doing better physically at least. She said her kids have been driving her crazy and it's even worse because her husband's not there to help her right now. I guess her problems always make mine look better, I didn't even know what to say when she told me that. I just gave her a hug and tried to make her feel better. Sometimes I feel really ill-equipped emotionally. I love everyone I talk about in my blog with all my heart, but I suck ass at expressing that love properly.  I like to think they know I love them, but part of me doubts that they do. I hope tomorrow's a good day. I'll be going swimming for the first time this year after we leave the amusement park tomorrow.
Today's song is "This love" by Pantera

BYE!!!!!

GOD DAMN IT !!!!!

HEY!!!

I got this incredibly weird call from Craig yesterday, he basically went the way of Trevor. He freaked the fuck out on me and asked why I agreed to go to Jack's show(before I got sick) and why I always turn him down. Okay, I'm a fucking idiot for giving him my number. I really didn't want to have to justify my relationship (such as it is) with Jack again, especially after what Mom said. >_>   I'm going to scream if someone else attacks our relationship again. Why do they seem to hate just this one guy when I know so many other people? They can probably tell that I have actual feelings for him and that seems to bother them. I tried explaining to Craig that I ultimately had to turn Jack down too, and that I've turned him down plenty of times; it didn't seem to work. I wish I could go to their show tonight, but I'm not going anywhere in my current state. I'm an idiot for giving him my number when all he does is clumsily try to ask me out every time he sees me. I think Jack is kind of pissed at me for turning him down again, especially after I went on about how excited and happy I was. It's days like this I ask myself why I even bother with guys, even a gorgeous guy like Jack. I swear to God, it'd be nice to do something without disappointing someone else. I have to figure out how to keep all these people in my life, I don't want to be without Jack or my family. But why does it always have to be him against my family or vice versa? To be fair, he never said anything bad about my family and both my parents have insulted him. >_> It would break my heart to be without them, even though they all cause me stress. They say that the line between love and hate is very thin right,? ^_~ I put up with their shit and the stress it causes me because I don't want to be without them. They put up with my shit in return, and they have my undying love and gratitude for it. I just wish that they could get along if they actually met. Yeah, fucking right. I guess that's about it for right now.
Today's song is "Bother" by Stone Sour (my favorite song)

BYE!!!!!!!!  

God damn it.....

HEY!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate to sound like a petulant little girl or something, but I'm so pissed that I won't get to go to Jack's show. Part of me realizes I shouldn't be putting up with his shit any more, but I still wanted to go. I got insulted when I told Mom a little about him, and towards the end of our conversation she said I won't find "anyone worthwhile" here. So she hates him already, and hasn't even met him. I can't believe her. It just really stings to hear her say it, you know? This is why I wanted to avoid telling her or Dad anything about him. I still have some stupid sense of loyalty to him. I really don't know how they'd all fit into my life, or how it could possibly all work out. I don't know why I keep rehashing this problem in my mind. To be fair, Jack got shoved aside by my family and other friends every time. Maybe I just wasn't making enough of an effort with him, you know? Fuck, maybe there isn't one single reason for this. I don't feel like I really want to be done with Jack, though I'm not sure why. I've said I was done with him before. I wonder if he'd make me more of a priority if I made him one. Maybe Jack isn't the guy I'm going to marry, but I don't know why we can't fucking at least be friends. Okay, part of me definitely doesn't want to let go of him without giving it a real shot. I really came to love him. Okay, this is getting really old. I've had the same God damn argument with myself too many times to count. I found out this guy I've been chatting with on Vampirefreaks and Facebook is married. >_> He didn't tell me that until now. I think I've just gotten myself into another shitty situation I have no idea how to get out of. It's not like we were flirting or anything, but I thought that it was weird that a married guy would tell another woman how pretty she is. I have to be really careful with him now, right? I just won't say anything that could be seen as flirtatious. >_>  Though it seems pretty easy to say something totally innocent and have it seem like it means something more. After all, that's what happened with Trevor and Craig. I'm going to switch subjects now, and say that I already miss Heather. She left for California yesterday, and it sucks. It pisses me off that she's gone and I'll probably never get to see her again. I guess that's it for right now.
Today's song is "People=shit" by Slipknot

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Down with the sickness...yet again

HEY!!!!

I was right when I said I thought I was getting sick, again. My body always seems to give me some little preview of what's to come before hitting me with full on symptoms. So right now I'm in bed, hating this. It means I won't get to go Jack's show, so I had to reject him again. It's unbefuckinglieveable, isn't it? God fucking damn it. I don't know if he really gives a shit that I'm there, but it means something to me. I'm wondering if there's going to be an 11th invitation from him. I'm just so pissed that my own body is keeping from doing something I've wanted to do for weeks. Maybe with the extra work I've been doing, I wore myself down too much; ironically I did it so I could go to this fucking show. I'm just going to bitch for a while and get over it. Maybe this is some kind of sign that Jack and I aren't really meant to be together. I need a fucking hug. >_> I have to add that Heather got a job offer in San Fransisco and is taking it. I guess her older sister is living there and has been bugging her to come join her, and even found her a job. I know we'll keep in touch through Facebook and e-mail, but I hate having her taken away after only 3 or 4 weeks of friendship. I did get to go to a little going away party for her though, she made pancakes and we drank a lot of coffee. This whole thing has gotten me thinking that maybe Jack was never the guy for me in the first place, you know? Think about all the times I've felt really bad and insecure about myself because of him. I'm even thinking of deleting him from my friends list on Facebook, and just trying to forget him. I can't forget him, but maybe I could get over him. He's probably thinking I'm not worth his time either. I mean, you ask a girl somewhere 10 times and get shot down 8, what would you do? I'm still clinging to some feeble hope in the back of my mind that it means something that he kept asking, but it's getting harder and harder to convince myself. I guess that's it for right now.
Today's song is "People=shit" by Slipknot

BYE!!!!!!!!!

Back to work.......

HEY!!!!!
Obviously, I've got work fairly soon. I'm taking this time to just chill and write for a while so that I'm calm and rested for the craziness that is my work. I'm really looking forward to Jack's show this weekend, I need a fucking break. I'm so stupid, I still get nervous talking to him. My heart fucking pounded when I saw that he "liked" when I said I was coming to his show, after knowing him for almost 3 God damn years. I know that it's not really that important, but it means something to me. Mark said he still wants to come with me to this show, as a "bodyguard". I keep trying to explain to him that I don't need him looking out for me, but I'd be lying if I said it weren't really sweet and deeply appreciated. In a way I don't think he really trusts Jack with me, though I'm his older sister. I deny and stuff my feelings down as much as I can, but I can't hide what's in my heart from someone who knows me as well as he does. I wish my feelings didn't play over my face so easily when it comes to Jack. There are times when I wish I didn't have these feelings, as I'm fairly sure they'll never be reciprocated in any serious manner. I mean, sure he likes me in some way, but he also likes about 100 other girls just as much and that's no good. He'd have to only love me, you know? God, it's crazy; I was never this possessive or protective with Camron. I never should have dated Camron, and
I should have told Jack how I feel about him immediately. >_> Too bad it's too fucking late for that. Oh well, I guess. I've talked a bit more with the guy who hit me up on Vampirefreaks, he's awesome. He even fucking cosplays!!! I think he and I have a hell of a lot in common. Too bad he lives on another continent. I guess that's it for right now. Thanks for getting me past the 21,000 pageview mark, btw. ^_^ Love my readers!!!!!
Today's song is "Gone with the sin' by HIM

BYE!!!!!!

Anticipation!!!

HEY!!!!!
Man, I'm still so fucking tired. I actually even got to sleep in a little this morning.You know how they say the anticipation of something is sometimes better than the thing itself? That's a load of bullshit. I wish Jack's show were tonight, I've waited long enough to see him. I told him I was coming and he got all excited and happy. I think he just wants anyone to come, he doesn't really care who.
Granted, I was happy he asked me, but I still don't know how much it meant. I ran into Craig at the record store again yesterday, it was kind of awkward. I think he still thinks there's a chance for us to get together, and there isn't. I wish he wouldn't try to ask me out every time he sees me when I've told him in no uncertain terms that I don't reciprocate his feelings. I don't know what to do about this guy. Even Jack doesn't scare him off. I fucking knew I shouldn't have said a word to him, just like with Trevor. I hope it doesn't end as disastrously as it did with Trevor. I'm feeling kind of sick, I think I'm getting an ear infection of something. But I'm going to this fucking show if it kills me, believe me. I was looking at the list of people Jack and Mike invited to their show and they seem to have had a very strict "No fat chicks" rule when they sent out invitations. Not to mention, they invited about 50 guys and 300 girls. I hate to say this, but their motivations are really no different from Craig's, they're just better looking so they get away with it. >_> Admittedly, I'm just as guilty of letting them get away with it as all these other girls. I'm just as easily swayed by a pair of pretty faces, trust me. It's not just their pretty faces, though that's what I noticed first. I love it when they're vulnerable like when Jack talks about his nightmares or being afraid of thunder-storms and losing his grandpa and when Mike told me he cried when one of his best friends moved away. I don't get a lot of that with Craig, he doesn't usually talk about anything but wanting to go out. I've known Jack and Mike longer, and I know them better. I trust them though their intentions are probably dubious, as weird as that might sound. I guess that's about it for right now.
Today's song is " The Beautiful People" by Marylin Manson

BYE!!!!!!

EXCITED!!!!!

HEY!!!!!!
I'm really looking forward to Jack's band's upcoming show, and seeing him again. I'm kind of afraid it'll be weird seeing him face to face again after only communicating through Facebook these last few months. Mark asked me if I could hang out with him sometime soon, and I said it would have to be next week sometime because I have plans for the weekend for once. He asked where I was going, and I told him kind of reluctantly that I was going to a show my friend's band is putting on. He kind of smiled and said "Oh, that guy."  I think I'm wearing down his resistance to the idea of liking Jack's band. I played some of their music and he said "This is your friend's band?" I smiled and said "Yeah." He listened quietly for a few seconds, nodding his head. I smiled and said "No jokes?" he said "No, this isn't bad." I don't know if I want him coming to the show, I sure as shit don't want him going into the pit. I guess it might be good to have to have a "bodyguard" at the show, to use his term. I was fine at the other 2 shows I went to, and I know the guys in the band, so I'm not too worried about it. I think this is less about Mark getting into an amazing new band, and more about finally getting into a part of my world I've been really reluctant to let him into until now. I'm listening to another indie band right now, the guy who hit me up on Vampirefreaks is their singer. They're from Spain, so of course all their lyrics are in Spanish. He assumed at first that since I'm from the U.S. I don't speak any other language. I think I kind of surprised him by understanding almost every word he sang easily. These guys are pretty amazing, too. Another guy hit me up on Vampirefreaks telling me about his band,  which is also pretty good. I seem to have become a magnet for band guys, lol. I think it's because I'm always talking about how much I love music and shit like that whenever I introduce myself to someone. They just assume that since I'm nice and love music, I'm easy prey. >_> Damn it, they're usually right. I'm not complaining, I guess; it's a good way to make new friends. I wish I'd had the guts to this outgoing before. Oh, well. I'm just always a little afraid in the back of my mind of what others will think. I'm always afraid of overstepping boundaries that I shouldn't and killing something good. I'm still afraid sometimes of pushiing it too far with Jack and Mike, though thankfully that hasn't happened yet. I'm probably going to be super nervous the day of the show, I hope it doesn't get bad. It still seems weird to think they're my friends, I've seen and heard what they can do, and it still doesn't seem real. I guess that's it for right now. I've got to go feed Oliver.
Today's song is "The perfect boy" by The Cure

BYE!!!!!!

Jesus, what a week

HEY!!!!!!!!
I'm glad to be here again. This has been a bat-shit crazy week, and it's not even over yet. It seems Mike's got a girlfriend, and is really happy with her.I'm glad too, and relieved that I was wrong to question his motives after all. He's going to be a great boyfriend; he's smart, funny, sweet, talented, goofy, and weird in the best possible way. He and Jack have both asked if I'm coming, they almost seem desperate to have people come to this show. I think they might have some people coming from an indie label and are hoping to impress them. I still don't know how I feel about that, I want them to succeed but don't want them to get famous and forget me. I'm fucking dying to go to this show, believe me. On another subject, Heather and I are officially friends. ^_^  I'm just really happy about my first new friend in about a year. I still remember how happy Jack was when I told him how much I liked his band, he smiled and told Danielle "She likes us!!!" It was cute, seeing him all happy and excited like that. I can't fucking wait to see him again. They should be home in a few days. My friend Charity persuaded me to join Vampirefreaks, and I'm kind of glad I did. I posted a couple of pictures and this guy almost immediately said how pretty I was and started calling me "honey". I know he doesn't mean a God damn word of it, but it made me feel better. I did find it pretty amazing that he and I are into a lot of the same music.  He's Straight Edge, too!!!!!!!! He looks kind of like Andy Biersack from BVB, but with brown eyes. Furthermore, he's also in a band. They're actually not bad. Too bad he lives on another fucking continent. >_> I guess that's it for right now.
Today's song is " Kick the Chair" by Megadeth

BYE!!!!!!!

Blue Monday

HEY!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm sorry about the rather depressing tone of my second to last entry. I just felt overwhelmed and didn't quite know how to handle it. I'm feeling a little better now. I felt overwhelmed because Jack's really insistent that all his friends show up to their upcoming show, Mark was bitching that I don't spend enough time with him, Cassie needed help planning a trip for her and her best friend, Mom wanted to bitch about Dad some more, and Megan wanted to tell me every little detail about a show she went to see a few days ago. I hate it when all this shit happens at once, and I'm probably never going to be good at coping with it. To top all that off, Cory showed up drunk again at my place that night. >_> I know he's better and smarter than this deep down, so why the fuck does it keep happening? I was half asleep already when I hear this knock at my door. I go to see who it is, and in stumbles Cory with a six pack in his hand. I really wanted to chew him out, but just don't have the strength. I'm just tired, you know? I know I shouldn't get mad that people want me in their lives and want my help and advice, but it gets so overwhelming when everyone wants or needs to talk at once. I start to wonder if they only ask me because they know I won't refuse, and they know I'm the kind of person who'd do almost anything for her loved ones. God, I need a break. I hate how some of the people I know who are married with kids kind of make fun of me because they think since I'm single and childless that I have no responsibilities. I don't make a point of bragging about all the shit I do to help others, or the fact that I've been taking care of my family in my small way since I was fucking 12. I was more of an adult by the time I was 14 than most of them were at 21 or 22. I don't think that gives them any right to criticize me. Okay, I need to switch subjects. I'm definitely looking forward to Jack's show, I need the break and really want to see him again. I'm looking forward to going to Canada, too. Again, I need a break. I want to have the release and happiness that I get at a show. I was really happy that Jack invited me again. I also smile at the knowledge that one of my friends who's older than I am went to Warped Tour, it makes me feel less old. I guess that's really it for right now.
Today's song is "Unbroken" by Black Veil Brides

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!

Busy again........

HEY!!!!!

SO sorry for the neglect, again. I'm sitting here with Oliver beside me and a cup of coffee in my hand, counting down the days until I get to see Jack again. I really want to see him, to the point where it's pathetic. I've done everything I can ensure I have time to go to this show and enjoy it. I'm even working extra next Friday and every Wednesday, to make sure they can't possible ask me to do anything else. I really don't know if he'd ask me again if I reject him again. The idea that I rejected him still sounds funny to me, like it never should've happened. After all, this is the tenth fucking time he's asked me, and only the third time I'm actually going. I'm getting along really well with Heather, the girl I work with every Wednesday. It turns out she's into anime and the "Twilight" series too, and that gives us some much needed common ground. I haven't made any new friends since Casey, which means in almost a year. I don't necessarily know if we're going to be friends, but I think we might. I hope we will. It's always really cool meeting other female anime fans. I was at the grocery store after saying goodbye to Heather and heading for home on Wednesday, and the girl working the register says " Oh my God!!! I love Sailor Moon!!!!" I just smiled and told her how I got into it since she told me her story of how she got into it. She said her mom actually forbade her to watch it since their pastor told her the guy who created "Sailor Moon" was worshipping Satan. I had to try so hard not to laugh at this idea, especially since Naoko Takeuchi, the creator of "Sailor Moon", is a woman. I can't believe this girl's mom actually believed this bullshit, and the the pastor could be so ignorant. That's like people telling me the music I listen to is Satanic. >_> Jack is still something of an enigma to me, even after almost 3 years of friendship. God, I can't believe I've known him that long already. I just don't get how he can remember details of our conversations months apart and he's willing to ask me to 10 different shows, yet he's still hesitant to simply talk to me like a normal guy talks to a normal girl. I don't get it, and it frustrates the hell out of me. I'm really glad to say Sarah seems to be doing well right now. ^_^ I hope this continues. I guess that's it for right now.
Today's song is "The Beautiful People" by Marylin Manson
BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!