HEY!!!!!!!
It's good to finally be writing again, it feels like it's been a hell of a long time. Sadly, I'm here because I'm home sick. I wish I felt well enough to do something, because it seems Jack is as sick as I am right now. I'm hoping we'll both get over this pretty quickly, but maybe not. I think I got this from Danny, who was really sick not too long ago. I'm not sure where Jack got it from, or if we even have the same bug. Their tour was apparently a huge success, and they made a lot of new friends. I'm so happy for Jack and Mike, whom I dreamed about again a couple of nights ago. Of course, I'm not telling them they snuck into my dreams yet again. It's never very interesting when I dream about them, we're always doing totally mundane things like hanging out in my kitchen. I got an invitation to come to this party Sarah was throwing, and I got disappointed that it wasn't an invitation to one of Jack's band's shows. I find it weird and funny that this is the first time I've been invited anywhere, formally, by Sarah when I've known her for 5 or 6 years. I'm glad that Jack hasn't given up on me, yet. I think they're going to take at least a short break from touring now though, so there won't be any shows to invite me to for a while. Damn it. I'll sit and wait patiently for him to ask me again, because I'm just that patheti
c. I'll be hurt and sad if he doesn't ask me again, though, because that would suggest that he either doesn't want me there or has forgotten about me. I'm praying that never happens. Okay, I should quit talking about him for a while. I was looking for some new clothes a 
few days ago, and got really insecure again. I just didn't feel pretty, you know? I ended up looking for hours, yet not buying anything. I just thought "This doesn't look right", or "This makes me feel fat." I know I'm not fat, not really, yet I feel fat every time I go clothes shopping. Yet, I wear the same God damn Metallica shirt once a week because Jack said he liked it. Is that pathetic? I noticed though, he did something like that after I told him a liked a shirt of his. He also quit wearing his glasses for a while after I said something about thinking they made me look geeky. I know he was influencing me, but was I really influencing him? Okay, there I go talking about him again. Sorry. Mark said he wants to go to San Francisco with me, and I'd really rather go alone. Part of the entire point of this trip is supposed to be for me to get some time to myself, and it wouldn't exactly be that if he were with me. It's not that I don't want to spend time with him, of course, but I also want to spend time alone from time to time without feeling guilty about it. I don't think he'll be able to make it when I want to go, but I'm not about to listen to him bitch that I got to go and went without him. It's unfair to me that he should get upset if I go without him when it was my idea to go in the first place, right? Mom also has this whole idea to go visit Cory and my dad in March, and I'm not sure I'm really down for that. It's not that I don't want to see Cory, I don't want to see Dad again right now. He's coming up here again in April, and I'm not even looking forward to that. Does that make me terrible? I think it's all just a bit much for me, and the idea that Mark might resent me for doing something I've wanted to do for over a year without him bothers me. I shouldn't be so hard on Mark and Dad, I know. You wouldn't believe the amount of time and effort I've put into helping other people, though, and I just feel like it's my turn to do something for myself. I'm not trying to be selfish, but it really does seem unfair that I shouldn't get to do what I want every once in a while. Nate's birthday is today, of course I sent him a little birthday greeting. I LOVE this guy, as a brother. I've been doing everything I can think of to keep him happy since his suicide attempt. He seems a lot better now, and I hope he stays that way. It seems Kevin has to have heart surgery, and it's today. I'm hoping he'll be okay, and that it won't be a really hard recovery for him. At least he's got his family, fiancee, and friends there for him. I didn't even know he had a heart problem, and what's more disturbing is that he's a few months younger than I am. I'll let you know how all that goes, and how Jack and I do with our respective illnesses. I ran into Craig again a few days ago, and I feel so bad for him. He came running up to me again, like this sweet, eager little puppy. Poor bastard. He's really not a bad guy, but I just don't feel the same way about him. He and I can be friends, and that'll have to do. I guess that's really it for right now. Thanks yet again for reading.
c. I'll be hurt and sad if he doesn't ask me again, though, because that would suggest that he either doesn't want me there or has forgotten about me. I'm praying that never happens. Okay, I should quit talking about him for a while. I was looking for some new clothes a 
few days ago, and got really insecure again. I just didn't feel pretty, you know? I ended up looking for hours, yet not buying anything. I just thought "This doesn't look right", or "This makes me feel fat." I know I'm not fat, not really, yet I feel fat every time I go clothes shopping. Yet, I wear the same God damn Metallica shirt once a week because Jack said he liked it. Is that pathetic? I noticed though, he did something like that after I told him a liked a shirt of his. He also quit wearing his glasses for a while after I said something about thinking they made me look geeky. I know he was influencing me, but was I really influencing him? Okay, there I go talking about him again. Sorry. Mark said he wants to go to San Francisco with me, and I'd really rather go alone. Part of the entire point of this trip is supposed to be for me to get some time to myself, and it wouldn't exactly be that if he were with me. It's not that I don't want to spend time with him, of course, but I also want to spend time alone from time to time without feeling guilty about it. I don't think he'll be able to make it when I want to go, but I'm not about to listen to him bitch that I got to go and went without him. It's unfair to me that he should get upset if I go without him when it was my idea to go in the first place, right? Mom also has this whole idea to go visit Cory and my dad in March, and I'm not sure I'm really down for that. It's not that I don't want to see Cory, I don't want to see Dad again right now. He's coming up here again in April, and I'm not even looking forward to that. Does that make me terrible? I think it's all just a bit much for me, and the idea that Mark might resent me for doing something I've wanted to do for over a year without him bothers me. I shouldn't be so hard on Mark and Dad, I know. You wouldn't believe the amount of time and effort I've put into helping other people, though, and I just feel like it's my turn to do something for myself. I'm not trying to be selfish, but it really does seem unfair that I shouldn't get to do what I want every once in a while. Nate's birthday is today, of course I sent him a little birthday greeting. I LOVE this guy, as a brother. I've been doing everything I can think of to keep him happy since his suicide attempt. He seems a lot better now, and I hope he stays that way. It seems Kevin has to have heart surgery, and it's today. I'm hoping he'll be okay, and that it won't be a really hard recovery for him. At least he's got his family, fiancee, and friends there for him. I didn't even know he had a heart problem, and what's more disturbing is that he's a few months younger than I am. I'll let you know how all that goes, and how Jack and I do with our respective illnesses. I ran into Craig again a few days ago, and I feel so bad for him. He came running up to me again, like this sweet, eager little puppy. Poor bastard. He's really not a bad guy, but I just don't feel the same way about him. He and I can be friends, and that'll have to do. I guess that's really it for right now. Thanks yet again for reading. Today's song is "Fade to black" by Metallica
BYE!!!!!!!!!!!
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