HEY!!!!!!!!
I'm finally feeling a bit better, thankfully I had the weekend to rest a bit. Thank you for the over 11,000 pageviews. ^_^ I find myself wondering again though about my friendship with Jack and just what any of it means to him, if anything. I found it adorable that he was going on about how much he wants a new Star Wars edition XBOX 360, I love his geeky side. It's amazing how much he reminds me of Cory sometimes, with these weird, sudden flashes of pure adorability. His grandpa died this Saturday though, and I feel terrible for him. I had trouble reaching out to him, as I'm always afraid of forcing my presence on him. I lost my grandpa a few years ago, so I know at least vaguely what he's feeling right now. It not like I was the only one who came to comfort him, of course. I really hate that 
this happened to him, I want him to be happy. What he said about his grandpa was actually kind of beautiful and sweet, too. I of course felt the old, familiar rush of blood to my cheeks, and ever so slight quickening of my heart beat around him. He's just beautiful, 
and doesn't really seem to know it. I hate when he pokes fun at himself and puts himself down. He think he's dumb, which he isn't. I hate also that he's closer to this girl who kept insulting him than he is to me, when I would never do that. It's partially my fault, I don't exactly tell him everything. I'm admittedly still really shy deep down, and have trouble reaching out to others. I wish I were more confident in our friendship, and knew just what holds us together at all. There's still a lot of shit between us that makes no sense if you think about it, and I hate that. For example, why the hell would he introduce me to his friends or ask me to 8 shows if he didn't like me, yet there are times when I basically have to drag the words out of him if I want him to talk to me? Maybe he doesn't want a passive girl, you know? Maybe I'm just being a pansy. I said "Hi, I just heard about your grandpa. I'm sorry you lost him. I lost mine a few years ago, and know how much it sucks", whereas other girls came by saying "Keep you chin up, babe. Call me." I'm just not that shameless, I can't help it. It's pretty nuts if you think about it, that a girl like me would get any attention from a guy like him or his friends. I definitely never expected that, believe me. There's certainly a kind of giddy, stupid thrill attached to being a part of his life and world at all, but I keep hovering on the fringes, too afraid to really be a part of it. I'm still wearing the stupid little blue rubber bracelet he gave me last May when I bought his band's EP, it used to have his band's name on it, but I've worn it so much you can't really tell it ever said anything. It's just another of my precious, worthless trinkets, you know? I was very glad to see that Cassie's taken to using this Super Girl pin I gave her for her last birthday. It's just cool to see us using little tokens that we gave each other, that's all. I want us to be sisters and friends. 
I hate sitting here, hoping Jack will write me something. I hate sitting here, knowing other girls would have no trouble getting him to write to them. Okay, enoguh about him. I guess I'm not going to San Francisco this year, either. Mark kind of made me feel like I couldn't leave him, and so I decided to put it off yet again. Maybe I give up too easily. I hate myself for that, believe me. I guess that's really all for right now. Thanks again for reading.
this happened to him, I want him to be happy. What he said about his grandpa was actually kind of beautiful and sweet, too. I of course felt the old, familiar rush of blood to my cheeks, and ever so slight quickening of my heart beat around him. He's just beautiful, 
and doesn't really seem to know it. I hate when he pokes fun at himself and puts himself down. He think he's dumb, which he isn't. I hate also that he's closer to this girl who kept insulting him than he is to me, when I would never do that. It's partially my fault, I don't exactly tell him everything. I'm admittedly still really shy deep down, and have trouble reaching out to others. I wish I were more confident in our friendship, and knew just what holds us together at all. There's still a lot of shit between us that makes no sense if you think about it, and I hate that. For example, why the hell would he introduce me to his friends or ask me to 8 shows if he didn't like me, yet there are times when I basically have to drag the words out of him if I want him to talk to me? Maybe he doesn't want a passive girl, you know? Maybe I'm just being a pansy. I said "Hi, I just heard about your grandpa. I'm sorry you lost him. I lost mine a few years ago, and know how much it sucks", whereas other girls came by saying "Keep you chin up, babe. Call me." I'm just not that shameless, I can't help it. It's pretty nuts if you think about it, that a girl like me would get any attention from a guy like him or his friends. I definitely never expected that, believe me. There's certainly a kind of giddy, stupid thrill attached to being a part of his life and world at all, but I keep hovering on the fringes, too afraid to really be a part of it. I'm still wearing the stupid little blue rubber bracelet he gave me last May when I bought his band's EP, it used to have his band's name on it, but I've worn it so much you can't really tell it ever said anything. It's just another of my precious, worthless trinkets, you know? I was very glad to see that Cassie's taken to using this Super Girl pin I gave her for her last birthday. It's just cool to see us using little tokens that we gave each other, that's all. I want us to be sisters and friends. 
I hate sitting here, hoping Jack will write me something. I hate sitting here, knowing other girls would have no trouble getting him to write to them. Okay, enoguh about him. I guess I'm not going to San Francisco this year, either. Mark kind of made me feel like I couldn't leave him, and so I decided to put it off yet again. Maybe I give up too easily. I hate myself for that, believe me. I guess that's really all for right now. Thanks again for reading. Today's song is "The leaving song part 2" by AFI
BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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