Conflicted....

HEY!!!!!!

I'm kind of happy and sad at the same time right now, it's weird. I'm so happy to have Rachel and Mark right now, and my cousin Sandra. Mark was telling me I'm basically the greatest sister in the world, and how much he loves me. Could I not be moved by that, right? I was kind of bitching to Sandra and Rachel about Jack, and they were so good to me. I'm sad because Jack is leaving for another tour in a week or so, God damn it. I'm going to just sit here, missing him and wishing he'd ask me to a show. I can't get away from work, so I can't exactly just go wherever he might ask me to, if he asks again, after being turned down almost every time he asks. How fucking stupid am I to keep turning him down? Seriously, though, if someone asked you to do something 8 times, and you turned them down 7 of those times, what would you think? I admit to getting pissed at the girls who asked them to just take them with them in their van on tour. It sucks ass how far away he's going to be, I hate it. I hate that I don't have that kind of freedom, or that shameless attitude. I know in the end it's better to be responsible, and stick with my job, but I want to go to see them play again. I promised him. Maybe, just maybe, I can go to a show that isn't too far away. Here's what I look like with him. And without him. God, I'm lame to be so attached to him when he hasn't exactly been eager to be around me all the time. He's eager to have me at their shows, though, and it's always kind of nice just to be asked. Here's hoping he will ask me. I wonder what my family's reaction to him would be. Judging from Dad's reaction last time he was here though, it wouldn't be good. I know it shouldn't matter what they think of him, but I don't want them to hate him. I do see a lot of good in him, though he tries to hide it. I just wish the one fucking guy I want to date right now would want to date me, too. I think that's basically it for today. Thanks, as always, for reading.

Today's song is "Collapse (post amerika)" by Rise Against

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Another early morning......

HEY!!!!!!

I'm kind of tired this morning, which doesn't bode well for the rest of the day. I'm thinking about Jack, poor guy. I know he'll be all right in time, I just don't want to see him unhappy. I can't really do more than pity him now though, I'm afraid. He's got plenty of other people who are doing their best to comfort him, too. So here I sit with my coffee, and wait to hear from him again because I can't be assertive enough to start a conversation with him myself. I wonder if he's been thinking about me at all, and hope he has. I also wonder if maybe I was right in thinking that he'd want me to be more assertive and confident around him, and he dislikes that I'm not more like that. I want to see him again really badly. I also wonder if maybe I'm really not beautiful enough to be with him. Yet, I'm beautiful enough for him to point me out to his friends and ask me to multiple shows. Like I said yesterday, there's a lot of shit here that makes no sense at all. I hate all this ambiguity. I think I should try and switch subjects again. I was hanging out with Rachel the other day, and she actually said she was jealous of how long and pretty my hair is. Just the idea that Rachel is jealous of me at all is laughable, believe me. I also heard from Cassie that her friend Hannah saw me and almost didn't recognize me, because of all the weight I've lost. See, Hannah's gained about as much weight as I've lost and is also a bit jealous that I've managed to keep it off. I was jealous of how pretty those two are for years, and to have the shoe on the other foot now is kind of crazy. Cassie was saying that same basic thing, so I'm a slender girl with long dark, pretty hair. ^_^ I just wish Jack would think the same fucking thing. I just wish he and I could be like this couple here, you know? I hate knowing that there are other guys out there who are clamoring for my attention, and all I can think of is Jack. I'm back on the subject of him again, damn it. I guess he's really taken up a lot of my time and is on my mind more frequently than is probably good for me, but I can't help it. I haven't been this nuts about a guy since I met Rob. Nevermind what a disaster that turned out to be. *_* I guess that's really it for right now. Thanks again for reading, and please keep it up. ^ _^

Today's song is " On the arrow" by AFI ^_^ ^_^

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!

Back again...yay!!!

HEY!!!!!!!!

I'm finally feeling a bit better, thankfully I had the weekend to rest a bit. Thank you for the over 11,000 pageviews. ^_^ I find myself wondering again though about my friendship with Jack and just what any of it means to him, if anything. I found it adorable that he was going on about how much he wants a new Star Wars edition XBOX 360, I love his geeky side. It's amazing how much he reminds me of Cory sometimes, with these weird, sudden flashes of pure adorability. His grandpa died this Saturday though, and I feel terrible for him. I had trouble reaching out to him, as I'm always afraid of forcing my presence on him. I lost my grandpa a few years ago, so I know at least vaguely what he's feeling right now. It not like I was the only one who came to comfort him, of course. I really hate that this happened to him, I want him to be happy. What he said about his grandpa was actually kind of beautiful and sweet, too. I of course felt the old, familiar rush of blood to my cheeks, and ever so slight quickening of my heart beat around him. He's just beautiful, and doesn't really seem to know it. I hate when he pokes fun at himself and puts himself down. He think he's dumb, which he isn't. I hate also that he's closer to this girl who kept insulting him than he is to me, when I would never do that. It's partially my fault, I don't exactly tell him everything. I'm admittedly still really shy deep down, and have trouble reaching out to others. I wish I were more confident in our friendship, and knew just what holds us together at all. There's still a lot of shit between us that makes no sense if you think about it, and I hate that. For example, why the hell would he introduce me to his friends or ask me to 8 shows if he didn't like me, yet there are times when I basically have to drag the words out of him if I want him to talk to me? Maybe he doesn't want a passive girl, you know? Maybe I'm just being a pansy. I said "Hi, I just heard about your grandpa. I'm sorry you lost him. I lost mine a few years ago, and know how much it sucks", whereas other girls came by saying "Keep you chin up, babe. Call me." I'm just not that shameless, I can't help it. It's pretty nuts if you think about it, that a girl like me would get any attention from a guy like him or his friends. I definitely never expected that, believe me. There's certainly a kind of giddy, stupid thrill attached to being a part of his life and world at all, but I keep hovering on the fringes, too afraid to really be a part of it. I'm still wearing the stupid little blue rubber bracelet he gave me last May when I bought his band's EP, it used to have his band's name on it, but I've worn it so much you can't really tell it ever said anything. It's just another of my precious, worthless trinkets, you know? I was very glad to see that Cassie's taken to using this Super Girl pin I gave her for her last birthday. It's just cool to see us using little tokens that we gave each other, that's all. I want us to be sisters and friends. I hate sitting here, hoping Jack will write me something. I hate sitting here, knowing other girls would have no trouble getting him to write to them. Okay, enoguh about him. I guess I'm not going to San Francisco this year, either. Mark kind of made me feel like I couldn't leave him, and so I decided to put it off yet again. Maybe I give up too easily. I hate myself for that, believe me. I guess that's really all for right now. Thanks again for reading.

Today's song is "The leaving song part 2" by AFI

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Quick update

HEY!!!!

I'm just here to say quickly that while Jack seems to be fine, I'm feeling worse. What the hell? That's not fair. Kevin's surgery also went well, and it seems he's going to be fine. I'm hoping I feel better soon, especially because I had to come into work for a half day today, couldn't get out of it. Okay, I guess that's it for right now.

Today's song is "One" by Metallica, I keep repeating on my ipod

BYE!!!!!!

FINALLY back

HEY!!!!!!!

It's good to finally be writing again, it feels like it's been a hell of a long time. Sadly, I'm here because I'm home sick. I wish I felt well enough to do something, because it seems Jack is as sick as I am right now. I'm hoping we'll both get over this pretty quickly, but maybe not. I think I got this from Danny, who was really sick not too long ago. I'm not sure where Jack got it from, or if we even have the same bug. Their tour was apparently a huge success, and they made a lot of new friends. I'm so happy for Jack and Mike, whom I dreamed about again a couple of nights ago. Of course, I'm not telling them they snuck into my dreams yet again. It's never very interesting when I dream about them, we're always doing totally mundane things like hanging out in my kitchen. I got an invitation to come to this party Sarah was throwing, and I got disappointed that it wasn't an invitation to one of Jack's band's shows. I find it weird and funny that this is the first time I've been invited anywhere, formally, by Sarah when I've known her for 5 or 6 years. I'm glad that Jack hasn't given up on me, yet. I think they're going to take at least a short break from touring now though, so there won't be any shows to invite me to for a while. Damn it. I'll sit and wait patiently for him to ask me again, because I'm just that pathetic. I'll be hurt and sad if he doesn't ask me again, though, because that would suggest that he either doesn't want me there or has forgotten about me. I'm praying that never happens. Okay, I should quit talking about him for a while. I was looking for some new clothes a few days ago, and got really insecure again. I just didn't feel pretty, you know? I ended up looking for hours, yet not buying anything. I just thought "This doesn't look right", or "This makes me feel fat." I know I'm not fat, not really, yet I feel fat every time I go clothes shopping. Yet, I wear the same God damn Metallica shirt once a week because Jack said he liked it. Is that pathetic? I noticed though, he did something like that after I told him a liked a shirt of his. He also quit wearing his glasses for a while after I said something about thinking they made me look geeky. I know he was influencing me, but was I really influencing him? Okay, there I go talking about him again. Sorry. Mark said he wants to go to San Francisco with me, and I'd really rather go alone. Part of the entire point of this trip is supposed to be for me to get some time to myself, and it wouldn't exactly be that if he were with me. It's not that I don't want to spend time with him, of course, but I also want to spend time alone from time to time without feeling guilty about it. I don't think he'll be able to make it when I want to go, but I'm not about to listen to him bitch that I got to go and went without him. It's unfair to me that he should get upset if I go without him when it was my idea to go in the first place, right? Mom also has this whole idea to go visit Cory and my dad in March, and I'm not sure I'm really down for that. It's not that I don't want to see Cory, I don't want to see Dad again right now. He's coming up here again in April, and I'm not even looking forward to that. Does that make me terrible? I think it's all just a bit much for me, and the idea that Mark might resent me for doing something I've wanted to do for over a year without him bothers me. I shouldn't be so hard on Mark and Dad, I know. You wouldn't believe the amount of time and effort I've put into helping other people, though, and I just feel like it's my turn to do something for myself. I'm not trying to be selfish, but it really does seem unfair that I shouldn't get to do what I want every once in a while. Nate's birthday is today, of course I sent him a little birthday greeting. I LOVE this guy, as a brother. I've been doing everything I can think of to keep him happy since his suicide attempt. He seems a lot better now, and I hope he stays that way. It seems Kevin has to have heart surgery, and it's today. I'm hoping he'll be okay, and that it won't be a really hard recovery for him. At least he's got his family, fiancee, and friends there for him. I didn't even know he had a heart problem, and what's more disturbing is that he's a few months younger than I am. I'll let you know how all that goes, and how Jack and I do with our respective illnesses. I ran into Craig again a few days ago, and I feel so bad for him. He came running up to me again, like this sweet, eager little puppy. Poor bastard. He's really not a bad guy, but I just don't feel the same way about him. He and I can be friends, and that'll have to do. I guess that's really it for right now. Thanks yet again for reading.

Today's song is "Fade to black" by Metallica

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!

Still lonely.......

HEY!!!!!!!!!!!!

First of all, THANK YOU for the over 10,122 pageviews. Holy shit, that seems like a lot. I'm still missing Jack, which is stupid and pathetic because I doubt he misses me that much. I haven't heard from him or the rest of the band in a few days, and hope they're okay. Probably just scrambling to make their next tour date. I was bitching to Mark about how my computer's been really off lately, and I didn't get the invitation Jack sent to come to their show last week. That's why he asked me if I was coming. He started teasing me again, especially when I told him that would be (I think) the 8th time I've been invited to a show. He said "Dude, just date him already." I didn't want to admit that I'd asked him out, and got shot down. If we're EVER going to be together, though, we're damn well going to have to do a better job of asking each other out. So far, we've been really awkward and clumsy about it. My cousin Sabrina, the 13 year old I told you my mom started ragging on because she's into rock music, was bitching that her dad is bitching at her now because of it. Poor kid, I'm glad I'm at least free to do whatever the hell I want now. She looks awesome all gothed up, I think. I know my uncle can be an asshole, too. I hope she'll be okay, and won't change to try to make other people happy. I feel a little better just venting these feelings about Jack, which I couldn't really do when I talked to Mark yesterday. I'm fairly sure he already knows I'm mad about Jack, and sure loves to tease me about him, but it's another thing altogether to say it. I know that really to him and his friends, I am just another girl they met and deemed worthy of their attention. Yet to me, they've become something very special. It's not that the attention isn't flattering, because it is, but I hate knowing deep down that I'm just one of many. One of them was going on about this one girl in particular they met a few days ago, and I got pissed. Yeah, I'm jealous of some girl I don't even know. I'm honored that Jack still wants me to come and watch him play, really, but I wish he'd ask me to do something when I actually had time. How about we just sit and watch tv, or I watch him practice? I really don't give a damn so long as he's there. I hate that it's gotten to the point where I almost have to allot each person I know a certain amount of time with me, and that's it. My mom was telling me just this morning that she doesn't want me to just work all the time, that I should do something fun. I can't wait to go to San Francisco, especially because I've been freezing all day. I can't believe it's really only a couple of months until I'm there. ^_^ I'm really hungry, I'm glad I bought some veggie burgers yesterday. I guess that's about it for today. Thanks again for reading.

Today's song is "Turn the page", the Metallica version

BYE!!!!!!!!!

Lonely.......

HEY!!!!!

I'm feeling a little lonely and gloomy without Jack here, I guess. I could have talked to him on Facebook, but he keeps saying he wants to get his mind off this town and I'd just be reminding him of what he wants to escape from. I'm missing the HELL out of him, though. I keep wondering if he misses me at all. I hope he does, and am so glad I was on his mind at all. They have another week left of touring, and I really hope I get to see Jack soon after they return. I had the weirdest dream last night, Jack and Mike were sitting in my kitchen and looking very happy to be there. The first thought that came to my mind was "What the hell are you doing in here? The door is locked." Naturally, even in my dream I was overjoyed at seeing Jack's face. I want him to miss me, I want him to love me. Yeah, but if wanting and wishing made it so, this would have happened months ago. I got woken up even earlier than I was supposed to (5:30), by my neighbor's dumbass dog barking. It think it's so unfair that he can have a dog, and I couldn't keep those kittens I found. I really wish Jack and I could be more open with each other, and not just in these little flashes that we share thoughts and feelings in. I miss him, but there's a part of me that's terrified that he's not missing me at all. I should have said something to him, even just a quick"Hi!!". At least that would give me some idea of what's going on in his heart and head. I think he's feeling better now, and I'm glad for it. I was working out this morning for a bit, and listening to "6 to 8" by AFI on my ipod, and it made me think of him and his friends. I'm trying not to start moping again, but it's hard. I know I have other people to talk to, and I love them, but I miss him. I guess that's really it for right now. Thanks again for reading. Today's song is "6 to 8" by AFI

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!

DAY OFF!!!!!!

HEY!!!!!!!

I just started watching the "Soul Eater" anime, and it's HILARIOUS. I love Blair. I'm off today, as I think I mentioned. ^_~ I haven't heard anything from Jack lately, but I've heard from Mike, and everything seemed fine. I'm assuming Jack's okay, and hoping he's feeling better. Apparently, it's REALLY nice where Jack and the guys are now, and Mike is REALLY happy. I feel bad though, for Mark, he turned 17 yesterday and is depressed that he's getting older. I think in a way it's because he's seen the way our lives are, how messy, busy and complicated they've become. He's also heard us all whine about how basically all we do is work, eat, and sleep. Cassie showed up about 11:00 last night, and I was somewhat less than happy because I'd been up since 5:30 that morning for work. Then, she started making cracks that I maybe wasn't very well suited for going to San Francisco alone, because I'm not good with directions. While it's true that I suck ass with directions, I did buy a map and have been looking things up almost obsessively since I decided I wanted to go. We didn't get into a fight, I managed to keep my cool. I did (gently) remind her that I planned our whole God-damn trip to Japan without any help from her, in addition to learning enough of the language to find my way around. After she grudgingly admitted that point, it got better. But that's basically because we were too tired to really fight or argue, I think. I'm eating breakfast right now, and she's sacked out on the couch. We had a moment last night, though, where we understood each other perfectly. She was saying how much she'd fucking hate Valentine's day if it weren't our mom's birthday, and I agreed wholeheartedly. That kind of salvaged the rest of the night, thankfully. I liked that she expressed the exact same feelings I did, in almost the exact same words. It's just good to know I'm not the only one thinking and feeling like this, you know? I was saying something to Sarah about how lonely and sad Valentine's day is for a single girl, which I thought was ridiculous because she's married. She said something about how it isn't all that great for a married woman either, somtimes, and that my guy will find me. Naturally, I thought of Jack. I still don't know just what some of the shit he's said to me means, though, or the multiple concert invitations. It's enough to let me know he at least wants me around, but I don't know if there could be more meaning behind it. I never would've thought that he was a shy guy, if that's what this is. I'd like things to be clearer, but I doubt they will be. I'm glad just to know that I'm still on his mind at all, and hope that he won't forget me when he is a rock star. I found myself singing while I worked again yesterday, a habit Jack and I shared. I don't know exactly why I thought it was so cute that he did that, but I did. Maybe it's just because he didn't have his guard up then, and I got to see a softer, cuter, sweeter side of him. I guess that's it for right now. I'll be back again as soon as I can. Thanks (again) for reading.

Today's song is "One" by Metallica

BYE!!!!!

And now I'm worried.........

HEY!!!

Sorry about the brevity of yesterday's entry, I was under a bit of a time crunch. I'm worried about Jack, just some of the stuff he said on Facebook sounds really sad, and he seems really unhappy. He was saying that he needs to get his mind off this place, and that he's been getting really pissed off over stupid little things. He also said it's good that he'll be gone for another 2 weeks. Not in my damn opinion, obviously. My question is, what does he want to get away from and why? I just hope it's not me he's so desperate to get away from. I don't really know why it would be, but still. I have the problem though, too, where every little thing gets to me. It's not an every day thing, but it totally happens to me, too. I hate that sometimes I understand him perfectly, and others I don't get him at all. I just really hope he'll feel better soon. I hate seeing him like this. He deserves better, you know? I was singing to myself the other day while working, something I caught Jack doing more than once. I love to sing, but hate that my voice doesn't fit any of the songs I want to sing. I'm looking forward to Cassie coming over tomorrow, I can't believe that it's already been a few months since I saw her face to face. I miss her, too. I wonder if Jack misses me at all, because I'm missing the hell out of him. I wonder if he cares that I miss him. Okay, enough about him and my stupid desire to try and keep as close to him as I possibly can. Do you remember Kevin? I told you he tried to booty call me over Facebook. Now he's engaged. I'm sorry, I find that both weird and almost funny. It was really sudden, that's for God damn sure. I just wonder what was going on in his head, though when he acted like that. I'm also still really looking forward to San Francisco, I can't wait to get away for a while. It's not that I want to stay here forever, believe me. I think mostly though, I want to get away from my job and responsibilities and just relax. I will be thinking about everyone here while I'm gone, believe me. I wonder if maybe Jack's feeling as overwhelmed as I am by life in general. I can understand that, for sure. I don't think it's that we're ill-equipped to deal with things, from my point of view, we've both dealt with a lot. I just think life gets more and more messy and complicated by the day, and it gets hard to keep up. Not to mention it seems every God damn person in the world is stressed and angry and scared all the time, anymore. I think that's basically it for right now. I'll be back as often as I can.

Today's song is "I'm not okay(I promise)" by My Chemical Romance

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Quick update, sorry ^_^

HEY!!!!!!

I'm here on lunch break, yet again. I'm glad to get a chance to at least write quickly, though.I got invited to Jack's band show last night, though sadly I only got off of work about an hour and a half before it started, and the drive there itself would have taken 2 hours if I'd left right away. I was glad to be asked, at least. It went something like this;

Jack- "Hey, what's up? Are you coming to our show tonight? I sent you an invitation."

Me-"Hey, good to hear from you again. I'm sorry, I can't. I work until 5:00 tonight. I WILL come to another show some other time, I promise."

It WAS kind of great that he reached out to me twice in 4 days, that's damn good in my opinion. I miss him like mad, though. I feel kind of stupid for just waiting around to hear from him again, but what can I do if we're currently in different states? Cassie's coming down to see me again Thursday night, and hopefully it goes as well this time as it did last time. So far, Jack's been the highlight of my week. We'll see how the rest of it goes, I guess. Thanks for reading, I have to go.

Today's song is "Gehenna" by Slipknot

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nurse Angie, lol

HEY!!!!!!!!!!

Jack is apparently sick. Of course, this made me feel sorry for him again. I doubt it's serious, and I doubt it'll last for very long. I'm hoping it won't, at least. I feel sorry for him, and want to help him, but I can't do anything if he isn't here. Not to mention, I doubt he'd really want me to. I don't think he'd let it stop him from playing, either.
I have to admit, he is dedicated to his music. All the same, I really hope he feels better soon. He better. I do kind of wish I could be Nurse Angie for him until he feels better, though. This almost sounds like some kind of stupid shojo anime/manga scenario , where the girl gets mad at the guy for how he's acted, then he gets sick, and she rushes to take care of him because she still loves him. She plays nurse, he apologizes, and she forgives him.

That sounds like what I'd like to have happen, but it seems doubtful that it will. Whatever, as long as we can still talk and be friends at all. He actually just asked if I wanted to hang out. Holy shit, I wish I could. But he's insane (or way drunk) if he thinks I'm going to meet him however many hundred miles away he is. I had an interesting little chat with Mom this morning, she was kind of complaining about some of the bands my 13 year old female cousin listens to, and some of the guys she hangs out with. I'd already gotten into Marilyn Manson, Metallica, Alice In Chains, Black Sabbath, etc. by that age. I think I'm seeing how she really feels about that, 13 years after I started on this path. Not to mention, I just got asked to hang out by a guy in band. ^_^ She started almost ranting about that, then seemed to remember who she was talking to, and recanted. She'd actually almost forgotten that her daughter has practically lived for this music half her life. I find that funny, somehow. I wonder if it kind of disappoints her that I decided to dress the way I do and listen to the music I do. I don't want to keep my friendship with Jack a secret, but I don't want to have to explain or justify myself. I'm fairly certain she wouldn't like him, or Mike, or Casey. I find it cute though, that Mike shared a kick ass cookie recipe with me, and Casey and I both waxed poetic about our mutual love of coffee. I don't know how much of that she'd really see or believe, you know? Especially that Mike can bake, when half his chest, his arm, and his calf are covered in tattoos. Somehow, that makes him more endearing to me. God damn, I'm going to miss him, too. I still love that I get to see their goofy, sweet sides. Anyway, I hope she does realize that they all have good in them, and I've seen it. It's kind of tribal almost in our little community, and as a member of said community, I'm privy to cute little things like that. I like that in some way at least, I do feel like I belong. I guess that's really it for today. Thanks (yet again) for reading.

Today's song is "Head like a hole" by Nine Inch Nails

BYE!!!!!!!!

I love you guys!!

HEY!!!!!!!!!

I'm feeling over the moon right now, lol. Seriously, I'm SO happy to have my friends right now. They made me feel a lot better, simply by hugging me and letting me bitch to my little broken heart's content about Jack. I'm feeling a little tired, work started obscenely early this morning, but I'm feeling better in other ways.
I'm also (of course) glad that things are going so well on Jack's band's tour, and that they're going to get some national coverage fairly soon. I shouldn't (and don't) begrudge him the chance to live his dream, it's just the telling me he was leaving over Facebook and barely speaking to me afterward that gets me. I know I said I'd happily be their cheerleader, and I am, but I hate feeling so left out now. I miss him, I can't help it. I guess I'll keep cheering them on,


I cheer quite well. I just don't want to be forgotten. I shouldn't say that my life is mundane in a bad way, in a lot of ways I have it pretty damn good. It's not that I hate my life, I just wish I had Jack as a part of it. I should really thank Rachel, Elena, Sarah, and Cassie for cheering me up. That's a different Cassie, not my little sister. I have a friend of the same name. It gets confusing. ^_~ I do have a bit of really, really weird news. I got a friend request on Facebook from a certain Camron, the very same who dumped me a few years ago. I seriously don't know who this dumbass thinks he is. Obviously, I declined it; the first time I've done that in I don't know how long. I almost laughed, but at least enough time's gone by that I didn't get mad. I'm glad that Elena's grown up as much as she has, she's changed so much from the stuck up little bitch she was in school. I think it's great that we can get along now. Better late than never, right? Is it me, or am I crazy moody lately? I know it's not easy for my loved ones to deal with all these ups and downs, as I struggle with it myself. I tend to be either really happy, really sad, or super pissed if I get angry. I'm not sure if I'm just super emotional, or if it's actually some kind of problem. I hope I just need to get my emotions under control and don't have to resort to medication or something. I don't now, maybe I'm just passionate. I guess that's about it for right now. Thanks you SO much for reading. I'm really glad to have this outlet to vent and at least here I'm a writer. ^_^

Today's song "Addicted to chaos" by Megadeth

BYE!!!!!!!!

Feeling a little better

HEY!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm feeling better today. I got up and checked my Facebook page, and who should message me but Jack, asking if I'm coming to their next show. I'm really glad he hasn't forgotten me, at least not yet. I posted that I hadn't been feeling so happy these past few days, and almost immediately, I got a reply from a friend saying that she hopes I feel better soon. I'm really insecure, I know, but I have this fear of being left behind and alone. It's just nice knowing others are thinking about you, right? What's kind of ironic is that this girl used to be fairly mean to me, and now we're friends. I figured that if Jack could turn someone who treated him like shit into a friend, so could I. I think in both cases, both of the people who were mean to us just needed to get their heads out of their asses and grow up. I wanted to forgive her for treating me the way she did, and I think I'm there. I've also made friends with another girl who was mean to me, which I think is a good sign. I need to let as much bad shit from the past go as possible. I think that's what Jack was trying to do, too. I think they're starting another tour in a few days, and it's going to be kind of a long one. I'd like to go to their show, believe me. I told Jack I'd make it if at all possible. Damn you, work!! No, I can't say that. I have to be responsible. >_> Maybe that's part of why I'm so upset about Jack leaving, though only a tiny part. I still have to do this mundane job and live this mundane life, while and his friends get to do what they love for a living now. I just sit here, and hope and wait to hear from him. I think that's it for now.

Today's song is "Gehenna" by Slipknot

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!