Anime, coffee, music, and a rare bit of boredom

HEY!!!!
Happy New Year's Eve, everyone!! I hope next year will be better not only for myself, but for everyone. Now that I've finished "Yuri on Ice" 💓I thought I might as well finish some other series like "Tokyo Ghoul" and "Kuroko no Basuke" 💗💘 that I interrupted to watch "Yuri on Ice", and I fucking loved them. I know I'm kind of late to both parties, but damn they were good. Obviously, I developed a bit of a crush on Uta: his look is just so awesome and he seemed really cool. I've mentioned before I love Muraskibara from KnB, he's too God damn funny in my opinion. I also love his hair, he's cute. I'm planning to start "Bungo Stray Dogs" soon and have begun ""My Love Story". both of which I highly recommend based on what I know of them so far. I was also thinking that I should start the thrid season of "Uta no "Prince Sama"

. It's difficult to pick a favorite in that one, but I think if pressed I'd pick Ren, simply because he is gorgeous yet his lines are cheesy enough sometimes that I'd laugh. I've noticed I almost never seem to pick the guys in anime that are really popular with other girls, I tend to pick the weirdos. Do I have bad taste in both real and fictional men? I'm fairly sure I do, God damn it. I was listening to the four different bands my male friends are in, and objectively trying to decide who sings and plays better. I hate to admit that in my opinion Jack's band wins out by a pretty huge margin. But it's not just because of how he plays the guitar, it's in large part thanks to how Mike sings. His voice is objectively the clearest and has the best tone in my opinion. I go fairly heavily on whether or not I like the singer's voice when I listen to a band, and Mike fucking nails it. I miss him, obviously. It hasn't been the same between us since I refused to go to Jack's Halloween party. I'm not going to his New Year's party, either. I hate so much that this is happening. I know I said years ago that I was afraid of just this happening, and it's begun. The only way I can think of to stop it is to talk to Mike one on one and try to explain to him that just because things have gone to hell between Jack and myself doesn't mean we can't be friends anymore. I really want him around, in fact. I'm sure I mentioned that he was kind of the light to the darkness that Jack and I seemed more comfortable in. I need someone around who's not Angela with a better attitude than mine. Maybe it's not possible and I'm being too optimistic. I tend to be guilty of wishful thinking when I know I want one outcome but  another is far more likely. I said too that if anything bad happened between Jack and I that it would be tough to keep up a friendship with Mike, since he's his best friend. See what I meant when I said I had bad taste in men? I'm also a little bored for the first time in what seems like forever. I think I'm going to wait until it gets dark and play "Slender". That's just the kind of mood I'm in right now. 💢    I also fucking finally got the new BVB and Motionless in White albums. I think that's it for right now. Thank you so much for reading this.  I love you guys, 💙
Today's songs are " 570" by Motionless in White, " Goodbye Agony" by Black Veil Brides, and "Aurealia"  by AFI
BYE!!!!

Merry Christmas (Eve)

HEY!!! 

It's been kind of a crazy week, but most of it has been good. I got more time off and got to hang out with Angela and Jessica again. It's amazing how much I missed them, and the simple joy of having nothing to do but drink coffee and talk with friends. I got another compliment on a picture I posted on Instagram of my Christmas makeup from my blue haired fanboy. I don't know, he seems really sweet but I have so little faith left in men at this point I'm afraid to talk with him because he can't be as perfect as he seems. I'm going to be bitter over what happened with Jack for a while. I can't wait to go back to Japan, I'd just as soon not  come back at this point. I've started talking to my dad again, I don't want to be angry at him anymore. It truly feels like he gives me little choice in that sometimes, though, and what he said really hurt me. I think we're going to have to postpone Christmas for a while, though because it's been dumping snow on us since yesterday and the roads are super shitty. I was truly looking forward to spending time with my family. I was so happy when Cassie called me for gift recommendations for Mom, Cory, Danny,  and Mark. I can't help but be happy when she wants to know what I think. I was also a bit surprised to hear my dad explain what anime is, I didn't think he'd really listened when I told him about it. I think that's it for now. 

Today's song is "Uroko" by Dir En Grey

BYE!!!

New anime, feeling tired, and this guy

HEY!!!!!!!!!!

It feels nice to be back here again. I talked a little more with my blue haired Instagram fanboy, and he seems like a really sweet guy. He and I bonded a little over our love of "Yuri!! On Ice" and he thought it was funny that I'd just gotten into it. Honestly, it felt like I was the only one in the world not watching this fucking show. It has one of my favorite openings in a long time, too. I adore the characters, I wanted to cry for Yuri in the beginning.Obviously, I'm going to be bringing so much "Yuri!! On Ice" shit home from Japan. Cassie already expects me to go anime crazy, I'm sure. I'm feeling so tired, but there's no real reason for it besides the fact that my life is stupid stressful. I think that's about it for now.
Today's song is "Akatsuki" by Dir En Grey
BYE!!!!   

Feeling better today, and dyeing my hair blue..finally

HEY!!!!
Good morning, everyone. I'm feeling better today. I have to admit seeing that guy sitting outside my building scared the shit out of me. I'm going to be dyeing my hair blue, at least in streaks, today. I've been waiting so long to do this, and can't wait. I've recently joined Instagram and I was approached by a guy who looks like that, or maybe a little bit like Aoba from "Dramatical Murder" and couldn't help but giggle at how much this guy looks like an anime character. I was nice, but not too friendly since that seems to be very easy to misconstrue. I was flattered, but not even close to being ready to think of talking to another guy as anything but a friend. I miss Jack so much still. I need to quit talking about him, though.  I put my Christmas tree up and decorated it. That was nice for a few hours of distraction, I suppose, but it didn't take my mind off Jack for nearly long enough. I hate that I miss him like this and can't do anything about it. I think that's about it for now.
Today's song is "Aurelia" by AFI
BYE!!!!!

Loneliness, new music, and a creepy occurrence

HEY!! 😘
I'm really freaked out right now, that's a guy who looks a lot like Trevor sitting outside my building. I wish Jack were still close enough to me for me to call him, because I'm afraid. I'm going to call Mike and Danny if this guy doesn't leave.  I miss Jack so much it physically hurts me. I feel so alone without him here. I know what my parents thought of him, but he still touched my heart in a way no one really has.  I have to wonder if my dad would have said nicer things about him if he knew my feelings for him. I'm also really excited for AFI's new album, it comes out in a little over a month.😍  God, I wish that guy would leave!! I beat "Pokemon Moon"  a few days ago and have since gotten into "One Piece Romance Dawn" and "Kingdom Hearts Unchained". Thank God!! That guy finally fucking left.   I need to calm down. I think that's about it for now.
Today's song is "Uroko" by Dir En Grey
BYE!! !!!!

Sister day, and getting sick again

HEY!!!!
I'm going to spend the day with Cassie today, and need to finish getting ready but really feel like writing too. I got a really bad cold from Cory on Thanksgiving, but over all it was still a great day. I don't feel so sick anymore and for the first time in weeks I feel like going out. That isn't to say I don't still love and miss Jack, I just have to learn to accept that we had our chance and I blew it. Anna, his fiancee, is probably better for him than I could ever be. I miss him but it's going to bet better. I can't believe a sweet, gorgeous, kind, funny, and lovable man like him would ever give me the time of day. I hate that we can't be together, but I want him to be happy. I want myself to be happy, too, and think letting him go would be for the best. I still haven't spoken to my dad since we had our fight over my not being married. I still refuse to be with a man that I don't really love just to say I have a boyfriend or husband.

 I have to believe I'm going to find a guy who makes me as happy as Jack did, but I don't know when or where. I think that's about it for today. Thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is " Akatsuki" by Dir En Grey
BYE!!!!!!!

Working and fun distractions

 HEY!!!!
This has been a really rough week. I SO wish I didn't have to go back to work tomorrow. I got in a huge fight with my dad once again over why I'm not married, and we haven't spoken since. I;m also so glad I didn't tell him anything about Jack. He's mad also that I'm going to Japan again and he thinks it's a waste of time; that I should stay around here and try to find a man. I don't know his fucking obsession is with me getting married, and I'm so tired of it. If he had any idea how Jack just ripped my heart out and stomped on it he'd keep his mouth shut. I need to move on, though. I've been playing "Pokemon Moon" and watching a shitload of "Kuroko no Basket" in my time off, and it's relaxing and a great escape from the everyday bullshit of my life. I love Atsushi Murasakibara, the tall guy with the purple hair, he makes me laugh simply because some of the shit he says and does is so random. I'm planning on getting more KnB things in March when Cassie and I go to Japan. I'm going to really fucking need that break, believe me. I also truly love "Pokemon Moon", but at the rate I've been playing it I'm going to beat it in a few more days. I think that's really about it for right now, thank you for letting me vent and I hope your week has been better than mine.
Today's song is " Saku" by Dir En Grey
BYE!!!!!

Putting myself back together

HEY!!
I'm sorry for not being here lately, but my life has become an even bigger mess than I thought possible. Jack and his girlfriend are engaged and my heart is broken. It seriously hurts me to say those words. I realize that I pushed him away but it hurts like hell to say those words. I'm somehow torn between wanting him to be happy and misery because he's happier with someone else. This is a problem with me though; I have a fear of losing myself in other people and things so I never let myself get too involved or too close. It isn't that I don't want to be, I just can't let go. I'd happily be his wife, you know?  I absolutely hate the knowledge that I brought this on myself. Mom is being typically awesome and is taking me to an Egyptian exhibit at our local museum on Wednesday, I NEED a day off. Cassie and I are going to Japan in March and I can't wait. I think we're going to be trading heart break stories a lot of the time, but don't want our trip to be super depressing . It's supposed to be fun, God damn it. I think that's about it for now.
Today's song is "Sad but true" by Metallica
BYE!!!

Awkwardness, friendship, and sadness

HEY!!!!!
Mike texted me, asking if I was going to Jack's Halloween party and I had to explain (again) that I can see Jack again. I had been previously invited to Jack's Halloween party, but after we fought and he kissed me I don't think I can see him again. When I told Mike I couldn't go to that party he got really sad, but I like to think he's going to understand.  Things are never going to see Jack again, and I hate it. I feel once again like I need to get away from Jack, but I don't want Mike to be angry with me. I was afraid in a way that something like this would happen and my friendship with Mike would suffer because Jack and I had a fight. I just want Mike and I to remain friends. I wish so much that this hadn't happened between Jack and I. I've been talking to Angela, Jessica, and Julia about this during our gaming sessions, and it really helps. It just makes me sad that I've lost him. I think that's about it for now Thank you for reading.
Today's song is " Before I forget" by Slipknot
BYE!!!!!

Trip to the hospital, sister trip, and more

HEY!!!
Good morning, and I'm so glad to finally be back. I was in the hospital because I was having the worst, most intense stomach pains I've ever felt in my life. At first I was really afraid it might be appendicitis, but luckily it wasn't. I had an infection in my intestines, which also really sucks. At any rate, I'm feeling better now and I'm glad of it. I booked flights for Cassie and myself to Tokyo. We're leaving on March 15th, and I can't wait. I'm also going to carve my pumpkin today, and it's going to be a lot of fun. Cassie and I are going to Nagoya, Chiba, and Tokyo. I think that's it for now.
Today's song is " Dead Memories" by Slipknot
BYE!!!!

Trying to act like I'm okay

HEY!! Thank you for reading my last two posts, they were difficult to write. I'm trying to act like nothing is wrong, but doubt it's very convincing. I have to figure out what to do next, and I wish it weren't so. I'm going to miss him for a long time. After Rob rejected me and left it took me two years to get back to normal, and five years after what Camron did to me. I don't want to give so much time to hurting and feeling like shit again. That's what bothers me, though_ two guys fucked me up fairly badly for seven years. Most of the time I spent with Jack was happy and I just wish things had ended differently. I don't know how to let go just yet, my heart still belongs to him if I'm honest.  I know I told him to leave, and ultimately it was the right thing to do, but that doesn't mean it was easy. I know I take things very seriously and getting rejected shouldn't be a big deal but it is for me. I'm not the kind of girl who falls in and out of love like it's nothing. I wanted to give my heart to him and have his in return. I hate the idea of them being so happy and know it's wrong. Mike just texted me to ask how I'm doing, and I don't want to lie to him. I could say at least I'm not crying anymore.    I think maybe I should answer him, but pull my  punches a bit. I want to remain his friend, and hope it's not too awkward between us. I think that's it for now. 

Saddest week ever

 HEY!!!
I really wish I could say I'm feeling better now, but that wouldn't be true. I've officially cut Jack out of my life, and it feels like something is missing. I hate that he still makes me feel the way he does. I miss his laugh, smile, and basically everything about him. I know it's for the best, but I hate this. I don't think I'm ever going to meet another guy like him. I went grocery shopping Tuesday, which is the only non-work thing I've done this week, and the cashier was being very flirtatious, and I just couldn't handle it. I paid for my food, and basically ran out the door so he'd leave me alone. I think I will play some games today, but I'll probably just play some Slender alone. I have to admit that cashier made me wonder though, if maybe I hadn't cast off good potential boyfriends because of Jack. I have to admit, I'm picky when it come to looks, and if I'm not attracted to a guy, I usually won't talk to him. Am I shallow? I think that's about it for now.
Today's song is "Sulfur" by Slipknot
BYE!!!!

Craziest week of my life

Hey!!!

 I'm so glad to be back again. I can't t tell you how great it is to finally sit and write about the epic shit storm that is my life right now. I tried to ignore Jack after our last fight, thinking it would be for the  best, but he called me and apologized, then asked if he could come over, saying he wanted to talk. I said yes, hoping things would go better than the last time we spoke. He apologized again, saying he didn't mean to hurt me, and I wanted to believe him. He also said he didn't want his girlfriend to create a   rift between us, not knowing she has. I told him I understood and didn't want to make things more difficult for him and that I'd do nothing to stand in their way.He gave me this weird look and said that he liked me for a long time after we first met, but I never gave him the time of day and never made being with him a priority, so he moved on and gave up because he felt rejected. Why the fuck is he saying this when we've known each other for seven years almost??!!?! He told me it was too difficult to know where he stood with me and I held too much back. He actually had the guts to kiss me after he said that. Are all men fucking mental or is this my fault too? I day dreamed about this, and when it finally happens it feels wrong because he isn't mine to kiss. I really worry what his actions have wrought here. I don't think his girlfriend is ever going to forgive me, and the sad part is I can't blame her. I told him to leave and to never speak to me again. I never thought it could hurt to break up with someone you weren't really with in the first place, but God damn if my heart didn't break like glass the second he left.  I really thought he was everything I wanted in a man, and there were so many times I asked if he couldn't be my soulmate. I don't know how to deal with this, I've never wanted to be with someone so badly yet I was still too afraid to go for it. I've never had a man who understood me like he does, it makes me sad beyond measure to know that I could have had him if I'd just let him in. I fell numb and tired now, I don't want to get up or go to work tomorrow. I really should call Angela or Cassie, but I just can't. I just want to cry and be alone. I think that's it for now.

God damn it

HEY!!!
Good morning, I'm really glad to be back again. I had another fight with Jack, this time over the phone. He called me, trying to act like nothing had happened. I told him I can't do this with him anymore. He knows I can't be mad at him without extreme difficulty, I don't think he realizes how much he's hurting me by doing this. I cried over the phone, I need to let him go and he needs to let me let him go. I still really want to be with him, but it's never going to happen and I need to accept that. I've been pouring myself even harder into my work lately, and have been offered more hours, but I can't possibly take them. I kind of want to go to Japan with Cassie, Marie, and Julia right now. I think that's really it for now. Thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is "I'm so sick" by Flyleaf
BYE!!!

Leaving Jack alone, reaffirming friendships, but still feeling lost

HEY!!!
I'm sorry that once again I haven't been here. I had a rather huge fight with Jack last night because he invited me to one of his band's shows and I just can't bare to go there and see his girlfriend watching him like a hawk. I know she still hates me, and I'm not going to stand there anymore and know that they're together, happy, and I have no chance with him,. I'm still in love with him, but he's never going to return that love so I need to let him go. This led to  an unexpected bonding moment with Cassie, though, as she and her boyfriend had just broken up too. I posted the video for Slipknot's "Snuff", and she said "I love this song", which made me really happy. She then called me and we just talked about guys and cried a little over our respective man troubles.It was kind of nice to be able to talk to her like this, and liberating as hell to know I can trust her with my feelings and she won't make fun of me. It's nice to know that she trusts me with her feelings, too. I just needed to talk to someone and didn't want to burden Angela or Jessica with my problems.I especially didn't want to bother Angela because she's supposed to have had her baby 2 days ago and is freaking out over that. She called me because she needed me and I couldn't let her down. It's nice knowing at least I don't have to be strong in front of Cassie all the time. I'm going to have my gaming session with my friends soon, minus Angela, I'm going to dye my hair though, I've gotten a little bit bored of it. I think that's all for now. Thank you for reading.
Today's songs are "Snuff" and "Dead Memories" by Slipknot.
BYE!!!!!!!

Finally back again

HEY!!!
Good morning, and sorry I've been gone so much again. I had to go out of town for work last weekend, so I didn't even get to have my gaming session with my girls. I really missed it. I have to fess up right now and say that I saw Jack yesterday, I'd missed him so much. I hate the power he still has over me and how difficult it really is for me to let him go.  He even hugged me and gave me tickets to his band's next 2 shows. What the fuck am I going to do with this guy? I can't help loving him, yet I know I can't be with him. He doesn't seem to want to let go of our friendship, either. Do I remain his friend and ignore that it kills me to know that's all we're ever going to be or move on and try to find a guy who makes me feel this way too but is actually in love with me? I did have a really nice conversation last weekend with Cory, that was pretty much the highlight of my weekend. I'm glad we can talk like this and are friends again. I think that's it for right now.
Thanks so much for reading.
Today's song is "Uroko" by Dir En Grey
BYE!!!

So much to do, so little time

HEY!!!
I had to stop and write for at least a while. I'm sorry I haven't been here lately, but my computer is being a piece of shit and I've been too fucking busy to fix it. I've also been doing a lot of swimming and gaming, so I guess I should admit that if I'd cut down on those just a bit, I could have fixed my computer by now. But work has been insane, the only thing that makes it bearable is I get to work with Jessica. I'm still doing my gaming sessions with her, Julia, Angela, and Marie. I love that we have our own little girl gaming group. Danny's leg should be healed enough that he can go back to work in a week, and I'm  so happy for him. It's good to see him walking around and doing things he couldn't at first. There's still the possibility he's going to have to have surgery, but I'm hoping he won't. I just want him to finally be better and get his life back to normal. I think he also wants something to do, he seems super bored every time I talk to him. I got invited to Jack's band's shows on the 20th, and I don't know if I can or should go. I know his girlfriend is going to be there, and I feel like it would be a disaster if I showed up. I don't know if I should keep doing this with him, I love him, but obviously not as much as he loves her, you know? I need to move on and I think a good start is not to hang out with him anymore. I think that's it for now.
Today's song is "Utafumi" by Dir En Grey.
BYE!!!!