Craziest week of my life

Hey!!!

 I'm so glad to be back again. I can't t tell you how great it is to finally sit and write about the epic shit storm that is my life right now. I tried to ignore Jack after our last fight, thinking it would be for the  best, but he called me and apologized, then asked if he could come over, saying he wanted to talk. I said yes, hoping things would go better than the last time we spoke. He apologized again, saying he didn't mean to hurt me, and I wanted to believe him. He also said he didn't want his girlfriend to create a   rift between us, not knowing she has. I told him I understood and didn't want to make things more difficult for him and that I'd do nothing to stand in their way.He gave me this weird look and said that he liked me for a long time after we first met, but I never gave him the time of day and never made being with him a priority, so he moved on and gave up because he felt rejected. Why the fuck is he saying this when we've known each other for seven years almost??!!?! He told me it was too difficult to know where he stood with me and I held too much back. He actually had the guts to kiss me after he said that. Are all men fucking mental or is this my fault too? I day dreamed about this, and when it finally happens it feels wrong because he isn't mine to kiss. I really worry what his actions have wrought here. I don't think his girlfriend is ever going to forgive me, and the sad part is I can't blame her. I told him to leave and to never speak to me again. I never thought it could hurt to break up with someone you weren't really with in the first place, but God damn if my heart didn't break like glass the second he left.  I really thought he was everything I wanted in a man, and there were so many times I asked if he couldn't be my soulmate. I don't know how to deal with this, I've never wanted to be with someone so badly yet I was still too afraid to go for it. I've never had a man who understood me like he does, it makes me sad beyond measure to know that I could have had him if I'd just let him in. I fell numb and tired now, I don't want to get up or go to work tomorrow. I really should call Angela or Cassie, but I just can't. I just want to cry and be alone. I think that's it for now.