Plans, a schedule change, and thoughts on life

HEY!!!!!!
Good morning, everyone. I'm home because the lady I'd be taking care of today is in the hospital for a minor surgery. The downside is, she's coming home Sunday and I have to be there for her then. I'm still going bowling with my family on Saturday, and I'm excited. It's amazing that Cory, Cassie, and I have managed to put our relationships back together, considering how broken they were. I'm not really sure what happened or why things got so bad. I'm really glad Cassie and I can be friendly and nice to each other, I hated the fighting.

 I'd want us to be friends, you know? Maybe she, Cory, and I all needed to grow up a little bit. I'm glad things are going well, and I'll be damned if I let them fall apart again. I had tea with lemon and honey with Jack after the show last Saturday, and had so much sitting and talking with him. I couldn't help thinking again that this is what I want, I could happily be with him for the rest of my life. I don't know if he ever wants any serious commitment, but I would, under the right circumstances. I've never felt this way, and I don't think I could be wrong when I feel something this strongly. I think that's it for today. Thank you so much for reading.

Today's song is "Blind" by Korn

BYE!!!!!!

FUN!!!!

HEY!!!!

Good morning, everyone. Last night was awesome, despite the fact that I sneezed about 10 throughout the show. This couple standing next to me looked pissed at me for alternately sneezing and dancing near them. I didn't sneeze on anyone, of course. I was more worried about getting pushed into the brick walls of the club, but that didn't happen. ^_^  When they started playing my favorite of their songs, I just stood and listened. Jack and the guys did such a good job, I was so glad I went. I'm still smiling. I can't believe how far they've come, though I realize I say this after every time I watch them play. I liked watching other people in the crowd react to their music too. I don't know if I'm truly being objective about this, someone who didn't know and love this band might think they suck. I still doubt my objectivity when it comes to Jack and his music, I should play it for someone who has no idea what it is and ask them what they think. I think my feelings for him ruined my objectivity toward everything. On another, much less happy subject- I had another moment of questioning why I'm trying to fix my relationship with my dad in the first place. We were supposed to be spending the day together, but any time I wanted to do something or said something he'd say something that made me feel really stupid and made me feel bad about myself. I ended up just wanting to go home and haven't talked to him since. It pisses me off that he never fucking talks to Danny like that. I swear to God, the difference in the way he treats us is terrible and it pisses me off more and more to see it continue to happen. I think that's it for now. Thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is "Blind" by Korn
BYE!!!!!!

 

Excited, but catching a cold

 HEY!!!!!

Good morning, everyone.  I'm really excited about getting to see Jack again today, but I think I'm catching a cold. I'm sneezing all the time, and I don't like it. I don't feel shitty enough to cancel on Jack for tonight, and he'd be pissed if I did. This is just my luck too. I've decided I'm going to Canada with my family instead of going to my high school reunion. I never want to see those people and be reminded of the shitty things they did and said to me, though it was a long time ago. I'm sure they'd be asking questions about why I'm not married and if I'm going to get married, judging me on my looks, job, car, and all this other stupid shit. I realize I'm kind of taking the coward's way out, but I'd rather spend time with people who love me. I did have a bit of an argument with Mom the other day, but we worked it out immediately afterward. She was being critical of me, saying I have a bristly personality and should be easier on other people and myself. I thought about it and realized she was right in that case. I think it's a defense mechanism I came up with, simply to help me deal with people. I don't know how to shut if off now that I've been doing it for so long, you know? I can't seem to help it anymore.

I can't wait to see Jack again, I'm so happy. I want to believe he loves me at least a little bit, but I'm so unsure. I always have fun with him, and I haven't felt like this in years. God, this sounds stupid. I just can't help how I feel in this case either. I want to be happy, and I think I could be happy with him. I wish it had been easier to tell him I love him. I think it's still crazy that I even know someone like him, let alone Mike and Jaime. I'm lucky, but there's still this nagging sense in the back of my mind that I don't deserve this. I don't like feeling like that, but it's always there. I think that's it for today. Thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is "Just like heaven" by The Cure
BYE!!!!!!

Busy, rainy week

HEY!!!!!
Good morning, everyone. I had such a good time on Sunday. Jack's brother was awesome, though I still like Jack's style of music better. "The Wind Rises" was an amazing movie, it was worth the wait to see it. Cory starts his new job today, I hope everything goes well for him. He deserves it. Mom, Mark, and I have been talking about going back to Canada sometime this summer, since we didn't get to do everything the last time that we wanted to. We didn't plan well enough and ran out of time. I'm hoping we can. I got invited to my 10 year high school reunion and don't want to go in the least, I fucking couldn't stand most of my class and never want to see those people again. I know it's stupid to hold on to old wounds like that, and I've gotten over some of them, but I still never want to see those people again. Cassie suggested that we going bowling for her and Cory's birthday, which sounds fun. I haven't been bowling in a long time and want to try it again. I wish I had been better at bowling. I can't wait to go swimming again. I wish it would quit raining. I'm going to watch Jack's band play again on Saturday, and it's going to be so awesome. It seems stupid in a way to be so happy over this, but I can't help how I feel. I'm going to really miss him when he's on tour and I need to see him now. I hope the club isn't as packed as it was on Sunday, that was a little bit uncomfortable. I'll be happy anyway, knowing he's there, I guess. I hate myself (still) for acting like this with him. I've rarely ever let myself be so vulnerable with anyone, and it's still weird for me. I guess that's it for today. Thank you so much for reading. ^_^


Today's song is" Fade to black" by Metallica
BYE!!!!!

Excited!!

HEY!!!!
Good morning everyone, and happy Easter.. I can't wait to see Jack later today.

I'm still nervous about meeting his brother, but I'll deal with it. I'm kind of pissed at Nate for chewing me out like he did, he has no right to talk to me like that. How dare he call me a spoiled little princess when he knows I've had to work for every stupid little fucking thing I have? I haven't been handed anything really, and no one treats me like a princess because I wouldn't want them to. I don't know who he thinks he is talking to me like that. I think I must have really hurt him, and I'm sorry for that, but I'm not going to go out with him if I don't have actual feelings for him. I can't help that I don't feel the same way about him that he does about me. I still don't really know what to do about him. I miss just being his friend and having things between us be nice and simple. I don't know if anything in my life will ever really be simple again, though I often wish it were. I realize it's stupid to sit here and wish as opposed to actually going out and doing anything about it. I hate this situation. On a totally different and unrelated subject, I'm going to see "The Wind Rises" today, before I go meet Jack.  I'm so excited for this movie, especially because I didn't think I was going to be able to see it in theaters.  I better go get ready.

Today's song is "Unbroken" by Black Veil Brides     

BYE!!!!

 

Nervous

HEY!!!!!
Good morning, everyone. I'm more nervous now about meeting Jack's brother tomorrow. I hope he and I will get along well. I also hope I don't embarrass myself in front of him and Jack. I used to be so awkward in front of Jack, it took me months to get used to being around him.  I really think it's lucky enough I got to meet Jack. I thought I would have to cover fill in for someone else at work again, but she stepped up and did her own work. I'm quite grateful, I think I have enough on my plate right now. I'm still planning my trip to Tokyo, down to what I want to eat and drink and what I want to wear. It's a little crazy to plan in that much detail, but that's just how my mind works. I keep telling myself I've got everything planned out and it'll be fine, but then something else always pops into my head. I can't wait to go. Jack texted again after I was done with work to ask if I'm going to show up to the show, and I said yes. I don't appreciate him being so insistent, but that just seems to be how his mind works. He said they're going to leave for their tour very soon, so I'm glad I get to say goodbye. I'm going to miss him and Mike.

I'm not sure what my life would be like without them at this point, you know? I'm hoping everything goes well and they come home as soon as they possibly can. I can't wait to see him tomorrow. I hope his brother likes me. I had a really good chat with Mark last night and he said it seemed like I was our mom's favorite, which I disagree with. I don't feel like her favorite, at least. I ran into Nate again, and he talked to me, if only to chew me out. He said I've turned into a spoiled little princess and quit being the amazing girl I used to be. I don't know what he means by that, I'm still the same girl I've always been. I think if anything what Jack said about me being a bitter, angry chick is more true than me being a spoiled little princess. I really can't talk to him at all anymore. I think that's it for today. thank you very much for reading.
Today's song is "6 to 8" by AFI
BYE!!!!

Great week ^_^

HEY!!!!!!
Good morning, everyone. This has been a great week so far, and I'm so glad. I needed this, believe me. I can't wait to go to this show this Sunday, and see Jack. I'm going to meet his brother, I'm a little nervous.

      I don't think Jack will be meeting any of my brothers anytime soon, I don't think it would go well for him. Speaking of my brothers, Cory finally got a new job after months of looking and finding nothing. I'm so happy for him, I can't even tell you. I love him and want good things for him. He also said he wants to take up writing, like me. I'm smiling just think about it. I met a new guy who's working where Jack worked when I first met him.

He seems really nice, but he isn't Jack. I hope we can be friends, though. I'm going to meet Jack and Mike before the show, just so they know I did show up. Jack insisted on that. I talked to my aunt in Austria, and she's doing much better, though her arm and shoulder will need a few more weeks to heal. I hope she'll be fine after that. I keep getting messages from my little cousin, always saying that something I did or said was awesome. I still don't understand how I'm apparently cool now when I'm still the same girl I've always been and it  didn't work for me for years. I got another message from that guy who's a friend of a friend, with the brilliant opening " Hi, Beautiful", which I deleted. I really wish this guy had never found my Facebook page. I think that's it for now.

Today's song is "Where we used to play" by AFI

BYE!!!!!!!

Relaxing for a day..

HEY!!!!!
Good morning, everyone. I'm sorry I wasn't here yesterday, I had to cover for someone else at work, and it was horrible. I'm so glad this guy isn't one of my clients. He was the bossiest, most uncooperative asshole I've ever met. I'm hoping to hear from my aunt in Austria soon, she fell down and broke her shoulder and arm, I want to make sure she's all right.  I heard from Jack that their next tour is going to be a long one, they're going almost straight from this tour to Warped Tour, and it's going to suck. I'm going to be very lonely without him and Mike. I got a text from Jack saying "I'll give you tickets to both shows, you just have to show up and hang out." He thinks I'm stressed out again, it seems. I am a little, but mostly right now it's at the prospect of spending the next 4 months at least without him. I'm really going to miss him. Cassie said she got a job offer working on a yacht in Greece while she and her best friend were there, and she wants to do it. This is an amazing achievement for her, and I'm really happy for her. I'd be lying if I said I weren't a little jealous, though. Things always seem to be so easy for her, because she doesn't think about how anyone else will feel or how it might affect them, she just goes after what she wants and doesn't give up. I've learned I don't have it in me to do that, though I often wish I did. I think that's it for today, thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is " Blind" by Korn 
BYE!!!!!!!!

Craziness........again

HEY!!!!!

Good morning, you guys. I'm very glad to finally have time to sit and write again. I've had a lot going on, so here it is. I've started working with the coolest new girl, she's a lot like me, she's even Wiccan. I don't know her very well yet, but I totally think we can be friends. Megan and I went to a spray tan place to make up for my not going to the show she invited me to. I will say this right now, it's not for me. Megan had been dying to go to this place so I went because I felt guilty for not going with her to that show. I look ridiculous and just want my normal, pasty white self back. I can't tan naturally, and this is not going to work for me. I haven't heard from Nate anymore, and I don't think I will again. Fifteen years of friendship ruined, God damn it. I got this message from a friend of a friend on Facebook, asking me to go out with him. What the fuck, dude? I'm sorry, I'm not going out with some random guy simply because he knows a friend of mine. I think I need to make my Facebook page more difficult to find. I've also started taking a Japanese class in the evenings after work, I want to be able to speak better by the time I get to Tokyo. I hate practicing Kanji, it's so difficult. I like to think I'm learning quickly, though. Jack and Mike are recording vocals for a couple of new songs they just finished writing. I can't wait to hear them, they're going to be awesome. I'm getting little reminders all the time about their next show, as if I'd forget. I hope their tours go by quickly and they get home again quickly. It's a little bit funny to think that until a few years ago, I had no idea these guys existed, and now they're some of my favorite people in the world. Cassie(my sister) and her best friend just got home from a Spring Break trip to Greece, and had an amazing time there. I was so happy to be the first person she called when she got home, and to hear that she got me a birthday present there. I want so badly for us to be friends. I had an argument with Mom again, over a shirt she thought was too tight and a skirt she thought was too short. I didn't start the argument, I swear. I wish she wouldn't feel the need to criticize anything I do that she doesn't agree with. That's why there things I haven't told her, simply because I know she wouldn't approve. I think that's about all that's happened this week. Thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is" Ready to fall" by Rise Against
BYE!!!!!

Busy..again

HEY!!!!!
I've been very busy again, and worried about Nate. I hate that all our years of friendship don't seem to mean anything to him anymore. I feel like our friendship has been thrown out the window and I hate it. I feel bad for hurting his feelings, but I know I did the right thing by not going out with him if I didn't actually have feelings for him.  I hate that I've lost such a good friend, but maybe this is the way it has to be.  Jack and Mike said they're going on another tour before Warped Tour soon. I want to spend some time with them before they leave, because it looks like I won't get to see them for months. I don't want to lose touch while they're gone. I'm going to both the shows Jack invited me to, I kind of owe him for turning him down so many times in the past and don't want to lose him, too. I was sitting on a bench eating the lunch I'd packed for myself on my lunch break yesterday and sipping some coffee when these asshole guys drive by, stick their heads out the window, start revving their truck's engine and cat-calling. Fucking idiots. I ignored them, but it was obnoxious. I'm going to be hating life without Jack and Mike again, it's a little bit sad how much I've come to rely on these guys to make me smile. It's also sad how much I still want to be with Jack, and that some part of me still believes it's possible, despite our failed attempts at asking each other out. I can't help how I feel about him. I want us to be together.

We definitely have a connection I haven't felt with any man, and I don't want to give up on that. I love that we don't have to pretend to think or feel the same way about things or be interested in the same things, we actually are. I find it funny that he's also one of the few guys I know to have seen me without makeup, and he's good with it. I've been closer to him than I have almost any guy I've known in my life. I think the only guys I'm closer to are my brothers. I'm going to miss the living shit out of him when he's gone. >_> I think that's it for now. Thank you so much for reading.

Today's song is "Penny Royal Tea" by Nirvana  
BYE!!!!!!!

Birthday craziness

 HEY!!!!
Good morning, everyone. I have a lot to write about. I saw Nate again, he walked by me like I wasn't even there. I don't want him to be angry at me, I really don't. I swear I was never trying to hurt his feelings. It would have been worse to let him think I felt the same way about him if I didn't, right? I feel terrible. I feel like 15 years of friendship are ruined now, and there's no way to fix things between us. I started to cry again because of him. I hate this, but don't even know if there's anything I can do to save our friendship. I doubt it.  I think it made things worse when Jaime, Jack, and Mike all left me messages on Facebook for my birthday. I thought it was very sweet of them to think of me, but I think their messages put the last nail in the coffin of Nate's friendship with me. I'm willing to admit it made me stupidly happy to have these 3 absolutely gorgeous guys wishing me a happy birthday, but it made Nate even more pissed than he already was.

I didn't ask for this, the only one I wanted to start a conversation with ever was Jack, Jaime and Mike found me, Megan saw their messages and said "You have to tell me what you did to get their attention. I know Jack, but his friends don't like me." I told all I've ever done is listen to them, support them, and give them the benefit of the doubt even though I was a little suspicious of all of them at the beginning. I didn't add the last bit about being suspicious of them, though I thought it. I like speaking Spanish with Jaime too, I need the practice. I still often wonder what these guys are doing with me, and I've known them for a while. I think they do want someone who will listen to them and be there for them, just like anyone else. I think it's gone both ways, we listen to each other and are there for each other. All right, different subject. I got a surprisingly sweet birthday message from Cassie(my sister), and it made me smile like I haven't smiled in a long time. I want to think that as long as we can still have moments like that, there's still hope for us to be friends. Cory sent me something equally sweet too, but somehow it doesn't come as so much of a surprise from him. I'm closer to my brothers than my sister, it just seems to be easier for us to be friends. I think my brothers aren't as competitive and selfish as Cassie, and that's why we get along. I should try to be more fair to Cassie, she also deserves the benefit of the doubt. I've been thinking how weird my life is, and how much like a goth soap opera it's become. I think that's it for today. Thank you for reading. ^_^
Today's song is "People=shit" by Slipknot
BYE!!!