Family...and Jack ^_^

HEY!!!!!
This is another post where I gush about how much I love my family and Jack. Mark and Mom both figured out something was wrong after what happened with Nate, and came over to cheer me up and make sure I was all right. Jack texted me while they were at my apartment, and I'm feeling better now.

He said "Something freaked you out yesterday, don't lie. I don't want any of that I'm all right bullshit, either. I meant it when I said I was here for you. I hope you're all right now." I also just got a text from Danny wishing me a happy birthday. This is exactly why I love these people so much. I didn't tell Jack the details, but I said I had a fight with a friend, and he said any friend stupid enough to get up and walk out on me isn't worth it and I should ditch them. I love this man. ^_^ I did tell Mark the details, and he got so mad, it was actually kind of scary. He (and Danny and Cory) are crazy protective of me, and this is obviously not an acceptable way to treat their sister. I got another message from my cousin in Austria, say how much she and my aunt miss me. Mom came over with tea and cookies, and Mark brought this awesome strawberry cheesecake for my birthday. After all this, I almost cried I was so happy. I still have to accept that I don't think I can see Nate anymore, and I'm dealing with that as well as I can.

I want to spend time with Jack, I just wish it didn't make people think less of me and make them assume things about us. The last time he hugged me it was difficult to force myself to let him go, I wanted to be in his arms, I should just go be with him and not care what anyone else thinks. People are going to fucking talk anyway, you know? I know people don't think much of the music we love or the people who play it, but it's because of people like him and his friends that I have any friends at all. I've never been accepted like this anywhere else. I think that's it for today. Thank you for reading.
Today's song is " Then you for the venom" by My Chemical Romance
BYE!!!!!!

  

Nate, wtf?

HEY!!!!!
I had been having a good week until yesterday after I got done with work. I went out to go shopping, and ran into Nate.

He smiled, waved at me, said "hi", and we started talking. It was all fairly nice and normal at first. He asked if I'd like to stop at Starbucks, and I said yes since I'd been feeling really tired and wanted a cup of coffee. We chatted as we waited in line, and it was fun and kind of felt like things were normal between us again. Anyway, we got our coffee and sat down to chat a little more as we drank it. I talked a little about my trip to Tokyo and some of the things my other friends and my family had been up to, and  he talked about this movie he really wants to go see. I didn't realize at first that he was going to ask me to see this movie with him, I said no, and had really hoped he'd quit asking me out. He seemed to accept my refusal at first, though he looked really sad. Then we talked a little more and he scooted his chair right next to mine and tried to kiss me again.

I can't fucking believe this guy!! How many times do I have to tell him no. He seriously has difficulty with this whole "No means no" thing. I've come to the rather painful conclusion that I probably can't save our friendship and need to distance myself from him. I don't want to do this, but I think I have to. I pulled away from him as he tried to kiss me, and he looked angrier than I've ever seen him. He got up and stalked out of the Starbucks, and I don't think we're ever going to see each other again. It seems obvious we can't be friends anymore. I hate this so much, this is absolutely not what I wanted for either of us. It's really difficult because we've known each other for a long time and I'm one of the few people who's always stuck by him and been good to him. I can't and won't stand for him acting like this, though. I didn't think he'd do anything in a public place like Starbucks, either. I don't know what to do about him.

I left a little after Nate did, and ran into Jack. That whole evening was just a mess of epic proportions, believe me. To Jack's credit, he was really sweet and asked if I was all right. I didn't want to get into this drama with him, so I said I was all right, but just tired. I (of course) got invited again to those shows, and I want to go but don't know if I should. I can't seem to say or do anything without guys taking it all in the wrong way. Part of me really just wants to be done with guys and be left alone. This shit really shook me up. I started crying after I finally made it home. I'm so confused about everything and I can't stand that. I think that's it for today. Thank you for letting me pour my heart out here.
Today's song is "People=shit" by Slipknot

BYE!!!!!!!!!!

  

Craziness and love....

HEY!!!!!
Good morning, everyone. This week has been just as crazy as the last, but it's been a really good week and I'm feeling really happy right now. I woke up to find that Jack had posted this on my Facebook page, and thought it was super cute.

I couldn't help but smile. I love him so much. He said it made him think of me, and I couldn't help but smile. I also heard from another of my cousins in Austria, and it was so cool to hear from her again. She's kind of like Sabrina, in that she looks up to me and tries to imitate my style. I love my little cousins a lot and should make more of an effort to see them. I'd spend more time in Austria if my life weren't here in the States and it weren't so expensive to go there. That's the shittiest part of being part of a trans-Atlantic family, you never get to really spend time together. I also have to say again, I love my mom. She and I were supposed to have coffee together on Monday after I finished work, and I got there a little early, so I sat down and started waiting for her. This really creepy guy comes up to my table, tries to sit down, and in comes my mom. This was so perfect, I'm so grateful she showed up when she did. I don't know why I attract creepy guys by the fucking dozen, but I do. It's unbelievable how many people I really love, I need to keep that in mind and treat them all with the love they deserve. I know it puts a lot on my shoulders to be the best possible sister/ daughter/ friend that I can, but when things like this happen, it seems totally worth it. None of these people would love me like they do if I didn't put in the effort that I do to be good to them. Cassie is finally certain that I'm coming to her graduation is very happy. I'm glad I didn't tell I wasn't going, because it would have hurt her feelings. I'm going to try to be everything to them that I can. I've honestly come to believe that everyone just wants to be heard and have theirs ideas considered at least, just to know they're not wrong or stupid. A lot of what I do for my family and friends is just hear them out, they just want to be heard. I think that's it for today. Thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is "A Devil for Me" by Black Veil Brides
BYE!!!!

 

So busy....

HEY!!!!!!
I had yet another interesting chat with Jack yesterday. He said his brother has also started playing music and he was wondering if I'd want to hear it. I wasn't really sure how to answer him. I didn't want to tell him that the only reason I started listening to his band at first was for a chance to spend more time with him and get to know him better. His brother's already got a show coming up in about a month, and Jack invited me. I realize this would be a chance to go to a show with him, not to a show he's playing. I might even get to meet his brother, which is kind of cool and scary at the same time. I told him I might go, since it's on the weekend. Megan asked again if I can't find some way to come that rap show she invited me to, and I feel terrible, but there really isn't. I am still going to Jack's show, though, since it actually falls on a day off. I feel again that my life is a balancing act, and I'm probably not doing it well enough. I found out that the Ghibili Museum is going to be closed the entire time I'm in Tokyo for maintenance, and I'm really disappointed. This just means I'm going to have to go to Tokyo again some other time I guess. I think that's it for today, thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is "Boys don't cry" by The Cure
BYE!!!!!!

 

Deja vu

HEY!!!!!!!
Good morning, everyone. I had an interesting experience yesterday; once again, I was doing my jogging/ walking routine after work and who should I hear honk their horn, but Jack. He gave this beautiful smile, waved me over to a parking lot, and we chatted for a bit. He said his band is having another show on April 26th, and I should come. It isn't far, and I probably should spend as much time with him as I can, I missed him like you wouldn't believe when he was on tour.

This does kind of eat into my free time however, which I don't seem to have enough of. It cheered me up so much to see him again, and I'd been having  a really shitty day. I don't know how this happened again, but I'm so glad it did. I should really thank him for cheering me up again, though I can't always expect him to come to my rescue. I wish that were the case, but it isn't. I like that I do have people I can depend on, though I often feel I shouldn't lean on them as much as I do. It's nice having people who remember weird, funny, stupid little things you did as a kid and still love you despite your weirdness. I'm probably being a little harsh on everyone who wants to spend time with me, and I shouldn't be. I should be more outgoing and accept invitations when I actually want to go. I don't want to seem cold or standoffish to my friends and family, ever. It's just that there's usually so much other shit to deal with that I get a little overwhelmed. I shouldn't take that out on people I love, though. I think that's it for right now Thank you for reading.
Today's song is " A Tout Le Monde" by Megadeth
BYE!!!!!!

Tokyo!!!!

HEY!!!!!!
Good morning, everyone. It's still hitting me that in about half a year, I'm going to finally be back in Tokyo. I'm so excited, I can't even tell you. I'm going to have to do what I did in London and Paris last year and try to make the most of every second I'm there. The only thing that really bothers me is my flight gets in kind of late, and I don't like that, since I'm already going to be fucking exhausted and will just want to go to the hotel and sleep. My family is trying to plan a birthday party for me, though I asked them not to. I'd rather not be reminded that I'm getting older, you know? I find it kind of funny that Jack already feels the same way, and he's 5 years younger than I am. I still think he and I would be a great couple if we could get

our shit together. I would say I miss the days when things were simple between us, but I don't know if they ever were simple at all. I really wish they were. I haven't been this crazy about a guy in really long time, and wish just once things like this would work out for me. I should probably talk more about Tokyo.. I need to get planning. I'm planning on hitting Shibuya 109 again, and Venus Fort for clothes, if I can find something that fits me. I'm afraid for my size, I have Chun Li thighs and it sucks. I guess if nothing else I can get makeup and shoes or something. I'm going to Akihabara to the Tokyo Anime Center and for anime shit, and I really need to get my ticket to the Ghibli Museum soon. I'm going to spend at least one full day in Ikebukuro, going to Sunshine City and walking Otome Road. Thankfully, I can just walk there from my hotel. Of course I'm also going to see Tokyo Tower, Meiji Jingu and take the Imperial Palace tour. I think that's it so far. Thank you so much for reading.

Today's song is "Die Die my Darling" by The Misfits

BYE!!!!!!

 

Guhh...

 HEY!!!!!
Good morning, everyone. Here I am again, trying not to let stress and the various other little shitty things in my life get to me. I've already had to listen to my parents telling me why I either should or shouldn't go to Tokyo, Cassie asking yet again if I'm going to her graduation, and Tori asking if I'm going to be at her wedding this morning. I kind of feel like I need a break. How bad is it to feel like you need a break from the people you love? I need my parents to treat me like an adult who's capable of making her own choices. I don't like being treated like this, and I shouldn't stand for it. I'm trying to keep up these relationships and don't want to burn any bridges, you know? I don't know what to do here. I had a really weird talk with one of my male clients, I think I've mentioned him before, I think he has a crush on me. Anyway, he often comments on the clothes I wear, namely my Metallica and Super Mario Bros. shirts. I just explained that Metallica is one of my favorite bands and Super Mario Bros  was one of the first video games I played and a favorite of mine, He said something about how unusual it is for a girl to be interested in these things, and that maybe I shouldn't be, though he bets it makes the guys happy to have a girl around who loves this shit. First of all, how fucking insulting is that? Second of all, music like Metallica's saved my life, and video games helped. Thirdly, how stupid is it that there's still this view that these things aren't really for girls and they don't have a place there? That's bullshit, my friends. I wear my Metal fan/geek badge proudly, believe me. This does kind of bring me back to this Jack asking if I'd come visit him at Warped Tour thing. I worry about what people are going to say/ might already be saying about us. I want to go see him, but it's not going to trash his reputation if I do. I know really I shouldn't give a shit about what people think or say, but it bothers me. It's weird enough seeing the looks people give me when I say I'm friends with a man, let alone a man in a band. They always assume something else, no matter what I tell them.  Once again, I call bullshit. Yes I might be in love with him, but it's not just physical. Ultimately, I guess I'm just trying to say that I'm tried of the judgment  I feel is constantly being placed on me because of the things I'm into and the people I spend my time with, never mind that they've helped me so much. Tori and I were talking about how people look at her because of her tattoos, and she said she feels the same way. Thank God at least someone understands. I think that's it for now, thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is "Fallen Angels" by Black Veil Brides
BYE!!!!!!!

  

 

Crazy busy and stressed..

HEY!!!!
Good morning, everyone.  Everything went well with my new client on Wednesday. I did my best on everything, I'm just really glad it worked out well. I was really stressed out about it though, I want to be able to get along with everyone I'm taking care of. Mom suggested I take a little vacation over the weekend sometime, preferably soon. I can't say I couldn't use a mini vacation, since it's so long until I go to Tokyo.

Cassie and I stayed in Asakusa last time and it was so fun. I kind of loved being within walking distance of Senso-ji. My dad has been trying to talk me out of going to Tokyo by myself, I don't think he really wants me to go at all. I feel I could use a vacation, which brings me to an interesting thing Jack said to me this morning. He asked if I'd be able to make it to any of the smaller, local stops of Warped Tour this summer and asked if I'd want to hang out with him while we were both there. My first thought when he asked me was "Sweet God, yes.", but I don't know if I should. I don't want to be the kind of girl who follows him around. Shit, I've already had this argument with him. He and the guys have been back for a few days now, and it's so good to hear from him again. I'm just not sure what to do about him anymore. I also know that if Nate finds out I said yes to Jack, and not him, he's going to lose his shit like Trevor did. I don't want some other guy asking why I decided to spend time with a guy besides him, though what guy I spend time with and why should really be my fucking business and no one else's.  Cassie is still hammering me with requests to go to her graduation, though I've already said yes.  I think that's it for today, sorry it took me until now to get back to you guys. Thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is " The End" by My Chemical Romance
BYE!!!!

More craziness...

HEY!!!!!!!!
Good morning, everyone. I've got a new client I'll be taking care of on Wednesdays, so I'm afraid I won't be writing then anymore. I might have to cover a few shifts for some of the other girls I work with too. I can't believe I'm really doing this, it seems like too much. I think I've made my parents worry about me, and I don't want that. I'm going to be fine, I just can't push myself too much harder.

Jack and the guys are safely back home, and I can't wait to see him. I missed him so fucking much, and can never seem to get enough of him. I hate that in just a few months he'll be leaving for Warped Tour again. I'm afraid I won't be seeing him very much this summer again. You'd think after 4 years I'd be used to that, but I still don't want him to go. I was talking to my friend Tori, one of the girls who's getting married soon, and she was wearing a hoodie with the name of Jack's band on it. I wish I'd been wearing mine. She asked again if I'm going to be at her wedding, and I said yes because I don't want to miss out on more important moments with my friends. Cassie's been asking if I'll be at her graduation as well, and it really sucks because those two things are only about a week apart. That pretty much takes up my free time for that month I'm afraid, but it's worth it to see my friends happy. I'm looking forward to Tokyo so much right now, too bad it's still half a year before I leave. I think that's it for right now. Thank you so much for reading,
Today's song is "Fade to black" by Metallica
BYE!!!!!!

 

Sad, happy, and everything else

HEY!!!!!!
Good morning, everyone. Welcome to my new follower, as well. ^_^ I'm really happy Jack and the guys will be home tomorrow. I always have this stupid image in my head of what it's going to be like when we meet again, but it never turns out like I want it to. I envision something like this, but never get it.

Those are words I've been dying to hear from him for years, and words I've said to him more times than I care to admit. I hate so much that once again, I've given my heart completely to a man who doesn't want it. I must have either the worst judgment or luck in the world. I don't know what I'm going to do about him. Thinking about it just makes me feel worse, and I'm not in the mood to cry this morning, so I'm going to change subjects. I had the most amazing conversation with my mom the other day, it was nice to be honest and open with her again. She told me that someone thought she and one of her male friends were together, and that it kind of shocked her because there's absolutely  nothing like that going on between them. I told her I know exactly how it feels, and that it's unfair to the woman to assume there's something else going on simply because a man and woman spend a lot of time together. I know everyone I've told about Jack thinks that about us, and it often pisses me off. It was very nice to have a conversation this open and honest with her and for once not feel like I can't share my true thoughts and feelings. I was playing a little more of Jack's band's music for Mark and telling him a little bit about Jack, and again it was so nice to be honest and open and not feel like I have to hide anything. I think I've mentioned that two of my friends are getting married, and I've been invited to

the weddings, but I'm not sure if I should go. I'll be uncomfortable without a date, and I'm certain people will be asking me when I'm getting married and I just don't want to have to deal with that anymore. It's kind of funny that Jack and I agree getting married early is stupid, I don't know if either of us really ever wants that. I've also been invited to my friend Cassie's graduation from Graduate school. She wants to be a teacher. These are important moments in my friends' lives and I know I shouldn't miss them, I feel like a wuss for even considering not going. I feel kind of terrible even thinking it, because they want me to be there. All right, I'm going. I have to be there for them or I'm going to ruin my friendships with them. I think that's it for right now. Thank you so much for reading.  

Today's song is " Your betrayal" by Bullet for my Valentine

BYE!!!!!!!!

YAY!!

HEY!!!!!!!
I'm feeling happy right now, and it's very nice. I needed another little break from the chaos my life has devolved into, so I shut my phone off, dug out my Playstation and played "Battle Arena Toshinden." It looks very dated now, but it's still a lot of fun. I've always loved fighting games, though I've never really been good at them. I still challenge Cory to a match every now and then when we're hanging out, because I can almost never beat him. I'm also very glad to hear that Jack and the guys will be home again soon, I can't wait to see him. I'm listening to my favorite song of theirs again, and it's so good. It's amazing to hear the words Jack wrote and know exactly how he felt when he wrote them. I love that we understand each other!! I love having that rapport with him and knowing I can

say something and have him understand. I wish I had that more often, you know? I probably shouldn't keep going on about how I've missed him, because I always say that. I think I really hurt Nate again, I didn't say anything to him on his birthday because most of the time I don't know what to say to him at all anymore. He asked if he could have a birthday kiss, which I wouldn't give him, and he got even more hurt. What the fuck am I supposed to do with this guy? Why did he have to ruin our friendship like this? I love him, but only as a friend. I wish all this hadn't happened. I think that's it for right now. Thank you so much for reading.

Today's song is " Kick the chair" by Megadeth

BYE!!!!!!!