Great night.. now lonely

HEY!!!!
I went to Jack's show Saturday night, and it was so good. I had a lot of fun, though there were some asshole guys yelling insults at the band. Jack's playing, growling and screaming were even better than usual, I miss him already. They didn't go on stage until about 10:00, so we hung out for a while backstage before the show and drank hot tea with lemon juice and honey. I actually had a dream about him right before I woke up; he told me he loved me, and I was so bitterly disappointed to find out it wasn't real. I know that's just my mind telling me what I want to hear, but I can't help it. I was walking from work to my car, slipped and hit my tail bone fairly hard on the pavement, and it really hurts. I don't think it's anything serious, it's just going to be sore for a few days. I heard from my friend, she's getting better and really wants to go home. I think that's it for today, thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is "Wings for Marie" by Tool
BYE!!!!!!!

 

By myself...

HEY!!!!!!!
Good morning, everyone. I had another very weird, yet weirdly profound conversation with Jack. He said some of his band's songs, and my favorite of theirs in particular were written about his ex-girlfriend, who broke his heart. I told him I'd had the same experience with my ex-boyfriend, who also humiliated me pretty badly after dumping me. It was nice to see sympathy and understanding in his eyes when I told him that, not just pity like I get from most people I tell the story to. I wish they'd had more than just a few days home from their tour, and didn't have to leave again. I miss him again already. It's even cooler that he wrote their best song(in my opinion) on his own and was afraid to even let the other guys see it. Is it weird to find it comforting that he and I and have felt the same pain and sadness? After how Rob and Camron treated me I didn't really think I could feel like this again, and it's terrifying because I don't want to get hurt again. My heart was pretty well frozen for a couple of years after what Camron did to me, believe me. This song almost makes me cry, it's beautiful. Why couldn't I just summon the fucking guts to tell this guy how much he means to me and how grateful I am to him for mending a heart I thought would be broken for the rest of my life? I love him so much. The lyrics sound so much like something I could have written, it's freaky. I've always wanted a guy to tell me he's been thinking about me and that he'd be here for me whenever I needed him, and Jack is the only guy to ever say those things to me. I just think it's kind of romantic, and I want that. I want to believe him and trust him, I do trust him. It sucks being alone, and I miss him. I think that's it for today, thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is" Intolerance" by Tool
BYE!!!!!!!

  

Weird ......

HEY!!!!!!!!
Good morning, everyone. I've had a very weird week. My friend is feeling much better, and is awake again. I can't tell you how relieved I am. I've got one hell of a cold, though, so I can't go visit her in the hospital again. I'm just glad she's all right. I was walking to lunch on Friday, and ran into Jack and Mike. The stupid grin I had on my face as they started waving and came to walk with me was horrible and embarrassing. They even put out their cigarettes for me. I still have trouble believing they're really my friends sometimes, it's so surreal and weird to think that guys like them would bother with a girl like me.

 I swear to God, I still don't understand why. Next month I will have known Jack for 4 years, holy shit. They dropped me off at the restaurant I'd been heading for, hugged me, and said goodbye. Best fucking lunch break ever!!  I know I'm pathetic for feeling like this maybe, but I can't help it. I never in a million years dreamt I'd meet guys like them, and I'm so glad that I have. I can't help but think I was lucky to find them, and nothing more. I guess I should just be happy. I talked to Cassie for a little while yesterday, and she seemed so condescending, and it pissed me off so badly. She was talking about all the shit she wants to do, kind of like "Well, what are you doing? Could you do any better?" She hasn't talked to me like that in a really long time, and it bothers me. I love my sister, but I will not be treated like that. I don't even know what she thinks I did to deserve that, and it still pisses me off so much. I felt as bad after that as I'd been feeling great after talking to Jack and Mike. Part of me thinks Cassie does this just to bolster her confidence, but there's still no fucking reason to tear someone else down to make herself feel better. I'm listening to Jack's band right now, and can't help but make a face like this. I am so madly in love with him, and hate myself beyond measure for not saying it years ago. I hate that we might be together now if I'd just had the guts to say I love him a lot earlier. I hate the cowardice  that prompted me to keep my mouth shut for so long. Mom said something I never really expected or at least I hoped she'd never say.; she said she'd actually approve of my dating one of Cory's friends, because we have lot in common. On the positive side, this guy and Jack are about the same age, so she doesn't think it's too much of an age gap. On the negative side, I don't feel or look like this when I see Cory's friend. I have nothing against this guy, but I'm not in love with him. I think Mom is just trying to set me up with a guy she approves of so maybe I'll forget about Jack. I think that's all for today, thank you so much for reading.  

Today's song is"Mama" by My Chemical Romance

BYE!!!!

Damn it..

HEY!!!!!!
Good morning, everyone. Mike invited me to come to his show too, and I had to say yes. I couldn't fight both him and Jack on this if I tried, you know?

I guess I can't complain about this, and I really wanted to go see them anyway. I haven't heard any more about how my friend is doing, and want to help but can't. I don't think she's doing any worse, and hope I'm right about that. I want her to be happy and healthy. I feel especially bad because we had an argument the last time I talked to her and didn't really properly make up. I don't want that to be the last thing I say to her. I don't think she's going to die, but the mere fact that she could scares the living shit out of me. I got into an argument with her about having kids and getting married, because that's what she was saying I should do and I told her I have other plans for right now and don't want to give up on them. I really don't want those to be the last words I say to one of the people who's stuck by me the longest, we've known each since we were little girls. I would go see her in the hospital again, but I don't know what good it would do until she can actually talk to me again. I told her the first time I saw her in the hospital that I was sorry for what I said and how I said it, and that I'm not mad anymore. It was a stupid argument anyway. I think that's it for today. Thank you very much for reading.
Today's song is" I'm not okay (I promise)" by My Chemical Romance
BYE!!!!!!!!!!

  

Love and sadness

HEY!!!!!!
I haven't been this mixed up emotionally in a long time, and for me that's quite a fucking feat. I went to go see my friend in the hospital, and she isn't doing any better. I keep hoping my phone will ring and it's someone telling me she's going to be okay. I know I can't really help her, but I want to do something. I know Sandra was in much worse shape and she's all right now, so I have hope. I'm listening to Jack's band again. His and Mike's voices are so soothing somehow, even though Jack is screaming and growling into the microphone. I can't help it if they make me feel better. I need to go see them. I was talking to Jack and there was yet another instance where he voiced my thoughts and feelings exactly, though I hadn't told him I was feeling this way. How the hell does this keep happening? How does he know me this well? I hate that we're not together. I love him and miss him so much I can't even properly put it into words anymore. I can't tell you how happy it made me when he voiced my feelings, I knew he understood how I felt and felt the same. I just wish he loved me as I love him. I know I've said this before, but it's been a long time since a guy's just taken my breath away along with my heart, and that's exactly what he's done. I can't describe it any better than that. I haven't been this happy just to know a guy in my life. I need to switch subjects now. I'm going to my first ever comic con soon, and it's going to be so awesome. I needed to do something fun. I think that's it for now. Thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is "Thank you for the venom" by My Chemical Romance
BYE!!!!!!

Worried...

HEY!!!!
I just heard a friend of mine is in ICU after having her third kid. She'd been feeling really sick through most of her pregnancy and caught pneumonia and another virus while in the hospital. She's bad enough the doctors had to sedate her into a state like a coma and they're not sure yet when she'll be well enough again to be brought out of it. I'm not really able to do much, but I offered to at least cook her husband and kids something to eat. They should be here in about 3 hours. Jack posted this really cute picture of himself and his brother who they picked up to tag along on their tour for a little while. It's amazing how much Jack looks like his big brother. Jack seems really happy now, and I'm glad. I told him I'd go to his show, and he seemed super happy. I do like to see him happy. I hope I know what I'm doing when it comes to him. I want to be happy too and need to make sure I do things for myself sometimes. I think I'll go to the hospital and see my friend after her husband and kids leave my apartment. I really hope she's going to be okay. I think that's it for today. Thank you so much for reading.

Today's song is "I don't love you" by My Chemical Romance

BYE!!!!

Plans and demands.....

HEY!!!!
Good morning, everyone. I got another invitation from Jack to come to one of his band's shows in a few weeks. He said "I'll give you the ticket, all you have to do is show up. Please come." I didn't want to tell him no, but I never want to. I'm a little flattered he's even still asking, to be honest with you. The show is on a Saturday night, so it wouldn't be a bad time. I miss him, but wish he wouldn't be so insistent. He said again how lonely he is, and that made me feel bad, but I think that's what he wanted.

I don't want him to feel rejected, because it's painful. I'll probably just tell him I'll go so he'll be happy. I'm so weak when it comes to him. I hope it actually does make him happy. I want him to love me, but I want to be able to trust his motives too, and now I'm even more confused than I was before. I just wish that if we were going to be together we could be and things would be simpler. Things have gotten so fucking far out of hand with us that it isn't even funny anymore. Part of me wonders why I was so willing to accept him into my life knowing very little about him at the time. I trusted him completely when I hardly ever trust anyone like that. I felt the same way about Mike. I accepted them both with perfect love and perfect trust, just as they accepted me. That's part of it, they were pretty willing to accept me as I am and I couldn't resist that.  I got a message on Facebook from Mark saying he'd found out about something I'd really like, with this picture attached. He Said "Let's not pretend you don't have a crush on Itachi. I found a life sized Itachi statue at this place called J-World in Tokyo. Weren't you going there, anyway?" That kid knows me far too well. I am totally going there, I think my first full day in Tokyo.
I can't deny I had a big, stupid smile on my face when I saw that. I think that's all for today. Thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is "Wait and bleed" by Slipknot
BYE!!!!!!!!

Spoiled?

HEY!!!
Good morning, everyone. I got a call from Cory not long after I finished my last blog entry, saying how much he likes the gift I got him for Christmas and how much he loves me. I can't tell you how happy this makes me. That's all I needed him to say, I just wanted to be reminded that I'm loved and appreciated after all. Jack said again that if I need him at all, he's right here for me.

I feel loved, and yet very spoiled in a way. Once again, I don't know why I would feel like I don't deserve to be loved and treated well, but I do in a way. Maybe I just don't see what others see in me. I hate feeling like this. I'm finally ready to go to Tokyo and have to wait what feels like a very long time still. I feel like I need a vacation, Jack was right about how stressed I've been lately. I don't seem to handle stress well either(as I'm sure you've noticed), and it always seems to get to me. I know I'm not the only person in the world who gets stressed, but it's difficult not to feel like I am sometimes. I feel overwhelmed by how much is expected of me and how much I'm expected to get done every day. Again, I'm sure I'm not the only one. I can't wait to go to Tokyo. On the positive side, every day gets me closer to when I get to leave. Maybe I shouldn't have waited so long to go back to Japan, I loved it so much the last time I was there. I'm so excited about that I can't even tell you. I think that's it for today. Thank you so much for reading, I love you guys.
Toda's song is "I stay away" by Alice in Chains
BYE!!!!!!!

Loved

HEY!!!!!!
Good morning, you guys. I'm home sick again and hate it. I really want to just sit here and write, so I will. I did get Christmas presents from Cory and Cassie after all, they were just late. I got a shirt with the Batman logo on it and some rather pricey nail polish I'd been eyeing from Cassie, and a Sailor moon figure and the latest volume of the manga from Cory. I can't tell you how happy this makes me. I'm feeling very loved, but also like I might not deserve all this love and attention. I know I don't necessarily have a reason to feel like I don't deserve it, but I still do. I got Cory and Cassie each something for Christmas, but still don't really feel like I deserve what they got me. Why is that? I told them both how much I love them and their gifts, of course, but hope they believe me. I think that's it for right now. Thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is" Ever and a day" by AFI
BYE!!!!

Aww, Jack

HEY!!!!!!
 Good morning, everyone. I was chatting with Jack yesterday, having a few laughs and talking about our days in general when he suddenly got really serious and said "You seem a little more stressed out than usual lately. I'm right here if you ever need me." My first instinct was to say "Don't say things like that to a girl unless you really mean them and you really care about her." Once again, he chooses to share his feelings in these weird little flashes of emotion and honesty. After almost four years, I'm still not sure I understand him as well as I'd like to. I'd be lying if I said what he said wasn't really sweet and kind, but at the same time I have no idea if he meant a word of it. I'd love to believe that even if we're not together, he and I will always be there for each other at least as friends but that might not even work out. I miss him and was so glad to be talking to him. I've never met a guy who understands me as well as he does, and that's what makes me want to be with him. I'm so happy to have met him. I think that's it for today. Thank you so much for reading, I love you guys.
Today's song is "Knives and Pens" by Black Veil Brides
BYE!!!!!!!

Happy New Year

HEY!!!!!
Happy new year and good morning, everyone. I have to say last year was pretty fucking crazy, and I hope things calm down a bit this year. I had a really nice Christmas, but I'm rather glad it's over. I just have a few more months until I'm in Tokyo again, and I can't wait. I got some very cool presents; 2 new suitcases filled with little things to take with me to Tokyo from Mom, a blu-ray player and small collection of anime on blu-ray from Danny, and a new  ipod touch and "My Neighbor Totoro" on DVD from Mark. Cory and Cassie didn't really get me anything. Mom, Danny, and Mark got me such amazing things I didn't really care that Cory and Cassie didn't get me anything. Cassie called Christmas eve to say she would be bringing her boyfriend along, and he's all right, but he didn't really seem to like me very much. I can't say I appreciated that, and I think she waited until it was too late for me to say no to tell me she was going to bring him. I can't help but notice that Mark, Mom, and Danny are a lot more thoughtful than Cory and Cassie. >_> I haven't heard from Nate yet, but that doesn't mean it couldn't still happen. Jack is enjoying himself on tour, and seems incredibly happy to be playing his guitar again.

I can't say I don't miss him, though it's good to see him happy. I'm thinking of going to the show he invited me to, but don't know what kind of message it's going to send him if I do. I wonder what he thinks of me anyway. I think that's it for today. Thank you so much for reading, I love guys. 









Today's song is "Blue" by A Perfect Circle
BYE!!!!!!