Cold...

HEY!!!!
Good morning, everyone. I'm home sick, it's just a cold but I don't want it to get worse. I felt fine yesterday, I don't understand. Mom is leaving for Austria in a week, and I'll be watching her house while she's gone. I really don't want any more responsibility, but I couldn't say no. She wants to go see my grandma who isn't very healthy, and I understand. Part of me wishes I could go too, but I'll be fine where I am. I'm sure all my little cousins are upset I'm not coming, they got very close to Cassie and I. Cassie wants me to help her book some plane tickets for her and her boyfriend, which I really don't want to do either. I got a friend request on Facebook from this random guy, and this is not the first time. I didn't like the message he sent me so I declined his request, I just wish things like this wouldn't happen.  I think that's it for today, I just wanted to write for a little bit.
Today's song is "Dig up her bones" by The Misfits
BYE!!!!!!

Christmas craziness

HEY!!!
Good morning, everyone. I had an amazing Christmas, all the effort time I put into getting ready for it paid off. I can't tell you how nice it was to hug my entire family and tell them how much I need and love them. I don't think we spend enough time together, and that needs to change. I feel bad that I didn't invite my dad over for Christmas, but he and Mom, Cassie, and Mark don't get along and I really wanted them here. I think he has a very different image of me that isn't who I am at all. I can be myself with the rest of my family; they know, love, and accept the real me.  I'm still getting used to having him back in my life, and he doesn't always make it easy to accept him. It isn't that I don't love him and that he doesn't have good qualities, he just expects me to let him into my life entirely and I don't think I'm ready to do that yet. He wants to meet my friends and shit and I hardly have time to see them, you know? I'm going to switch subjects now. Jack and the guys have been working on new songs, starting to record demos, and it's so cool. He seems excited about the music but sad that it takes him away from his family and friends. This is something he struggles with often, it seems to bother him deeply. He didn't spend Christmas with his family again and I know he hated that. Jon's family and friends are having a benefit concert for him next week, and I'm going to go. I want so much for him to get better, but I don't know if it's really possible. I think that's it for now. Thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is " The Beautiful People" by Marilyn Manson
BYE!!!!!!

SO sorry

HEY!!!!
Good morning, everyone. I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to get back here again. My laptop is having trouble again and I had to have it fixed. I had a great Thanksgiving, and talked to Jack for a little bit about how similar our respective days were. We both got to our moms' houses early and ended up playing games with our families for hours. I went to another of his shows last night and had such a good time. I'm still so happy he's inviting me at all after all this time and all the shit we've been through together. He said they're working and some more songs and are very close to being finished with them. I can't believe I've known him for almost 5 years now, it doesn't seem that long. I got some horrible news about my friend Jon though, he has a very rare form of cancer and it doesn't seem like he's not going to live much longer. I can't tell you how sad this makes me, I've known this guy since I was 12 and he's dying. I can't really do anything for him either, which just makes things worse. I keep hoping maybe something will happen and he'll beat the cancer after all, but it doesn't seem very likely. I need to switch subjects now before I start crying. I'm very close to being ready for Christmas, I've got my tree ready and a shitload of presents. I think that's it for today. Thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is " Thank you for the venom" by My Chemical Romance
BYE!!!!!!!!

Tokyo pt.2

      Good morning, everyone. As promised, here are some of my pictures from Tokyo. I mostly let my nerdy side take over and did anime related shit. I saw the giant Gundam replica at Odaiba, walked around Akihabara, shopped at Shibuya 109, finally saw Hachiko, and went to J-World.  I think I'm always going to love Shibuya, I was wearing a Totoro shirt while shopping there and so many people said it was cute and they liked it. I am a little pissed that I didn't know about The Mugiwara Store, it's not very far from where I was but I missed it. I'm planning to go back at some point, but I'm not sure when yet.

 

 I wish I'd been able to see Hachiko before, but Cassie said it was stupid and I didn't want to start a fight over it,  so we didn't see it. It was such a beautiful day when I went to Shibuya. J-World was amazing, too. I can't believe I've been home almost 2 weeks already. We're making preparations for Thanksgiving, and I'm going to get my Christmas shopping started tomorrow. I might be going to another convention on January 31st, but I'm not certain yet. I'd like to cosplay if I go. Jamie's birthday was a few days ago; I wrote to him, not expecting to hear back from him since we hadn't talked much lately, but he answered me and I was really happy. Jack also said it meant the world to him that I keep supporting his band and encouraging him. I really want to believe him, I hope he meant it. Things between us are as weird as ever. I think that's about it for today. Thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is "I don't love you" by My Chemical Romance
BYE!!!!!!!

Tokyo ^_^

HEY!!!!
Good morning, everyone. I'm sorry I didn't write from Tokyo but I swear I didn't have the time. For the most part it was an amazing experience and I'll totally be going back. I didn't make it to Tokyo Tower or the Ghibli Museum, so I have to go back. I did have one bone to pick though, and here it is. I spent the better part of a day wandering around Akihabara and wanted to see all the anime shops and the Tokyo Anime Center. I found what I was looking for, but couldn't help but feel like so many of the female characters were being so exploited and it made me pissed off. Yes, I know they have Otomoe Road for the female fans and it was great, but the guys in the anime and manga I found on Otome Road never seemed like they were being exploited nearly as much. Also these two guys kept looking back at me and smiling as we were waiting to get in to the Tokyo Anime Center, which creeped me out. I was also the only girl there alone; one girl went because her boyfriend wanted to go. Otherwise it was all men there.  My favorite day was going to J-World and the Sunshine City Aquarium. I have to admit that as kind of a knee-jerk reaction to what happened in Akiba, I bought up everything I could with attractive guys on it; though the figures of Levi from Attack on Titan and Law from One Piece came fully dressed, unlike the figures of the women from pretty much any anime you can name. Mom told me something that pissed me off to no end when she picked me up from the airport. She told me that Dad said it's stupid that I went to Tokyo, and I should focus on finding a guy and getting a life started with him. He wants to see grandkids sometime were his exact fucking words. >_> I don't even know where to start with that. Who is he to tell me that's what I should do with my life? He didn't fucking say that to Danny; because I'm a woman and can have kids apparently that's my responsibility. >_> All right, I've raged enough about things like this. Jack's Halloween party was awesome, though it was very cold that night. Halloween (as always) was quite a lot of fun. I think that's about it for today, thank you for listening.
Today's song is "Thank you for the venom" by My Chemical Romance
BYE!!!!

Busiest time of my life so far

HEY!!!!
Good morning, everyone. I'm insanely busy next week, but have time to write about what's going on now. I had a fucking amazing time at Comic-Con and wish I could have cosplayed. I think I will next time. My parents both had car trouble and I had to pick up my mom at the gas station when her car died. It still hasn't been fixed and the car's been in the shop for a week. She's unhappy about other people having to drive her. My dad's been driving her to work and she hates it because he starts arguments with her over the stupidest shit. I leave for Tokyo a week from Tuesday and it's awesome. I have to get my yen tomorrow. I'm so excited I can't even tell you. I wish I'd had more time to say more than just "Hi" to Stan Lee, but it was so crowded and they pushed everyone through the line to meet him so quickly. Jack and Mike have been asking again if I'm going to Jack's Halloween party. I want very much to go, and really shouldn't disappoint him again. Mom also told me Dad criticizes me behind my back, saying I'm wasting my money going to Tokyo and should get a better car instead and that I drink too much coffee, which is also a waste of my money. What business is it of his what I do with my money? That hurts my feelings, because I thought Dad and I were finally getting along a little better and starting to understand each other. I'm so glad I haven't told him anything about Jack and Mike, he'd hate them. I listened to this radio interview they did, and it was really good to hear them laughing and making jokes. They also got an actual motor home to tour in, as opposed to their shitty old van. They loved it immediately. I also really like Mike's new tattoo and haircut. Jack and I had another very weird moment where I'd had a song stuck in my head and he posted the video on Facebook. No one else does that.I should probably get going. Danny's birthday party is today and I have to get ready.
Today's song is "I'm not okay(I promise)" by My Chemical Romance
BYE!!!!!!!

Work, Comic-Con, birthday party, Halloween party, Tokyo, holy shit

 HEY!!!!
Good morning, everyone. I'm afraid I won't be writing next weekend because I'll be at Comic-Con on Saturday and Danny's birthday party on Sunday. It's fucking unbelievable how close all this shit finally is. I got invited to a Halloween Party by Jack and Mike and am very tempted to go since Halloween is on a Friday this year. I'd love to do all this shit, but it's a very difficult to find time for everyone and everything. But again, I have to try. I'm getting so excited for Tokyo, I can't wait to see it again. I've been working very hard and am still a little tired. I've been overwhelmed with the response of love and kindness from my family and friends when I let them in and tell them how tough all this is for me. My parents are being fairly cool and are trying to help in any way they can, though just listening and trying to see things from my point of view is good enough for me. Jack and Mike were saying again that I don't have to keep everything in, if something's bothering me or if I feel overwhelmed, I can just call them and they'll be there for me. Mark has been even more amazing than usual, so sweet and sympathetic. It's at times like these I ask myself what I did to deserve people like this, who seem to love me no matter what I do or say. It's just nice to be reminded that I don't have to take on life alone, and I actually needed to hear that. I miss Sarah, I haven't seen or talked to her in such a long time. She and her husband must be doing all right, but I miss talking to her every day like I used to. I can't wait to hear from her again, I know she'll text or something when she's ready. I just want her to be happy. I'd like to go visit Cassie again, I feel like we should spend time together while the weather is still decent and we could do something outside if we wanted to. I think that's it for right now. Thank you so much for reading.





Today's song is "The Killing Lights" by AFI
BYE!!!!!!!

Another crazy week

HEY!!!
Good morning, everyone. I'm really glad I can write finally. I talked to Jack again and he said he doesn't really want to go anywhere for a while. I know he and the guys have to go work on their new album soon, but I don't want him to go, either. I hope at least I can spend some time with him before he goes. I know he was saying how lonely he gets on tour, and how quickly the money they earned goes. I realize that even for someone like him who's doing what he loves, his work still has its drawbacks. I don't think he'd be doing anything else, though. I ran into Nate at our company's office, and it was so awkward. He knows he can't be angry with me there, but there was still a lot of contempt in his eyes when he looked at me. I don't want that to keep happening. I don't want to see him at all if this is how he's going to treat me. I just want a decent conversation with him again, it hurts me that everything between us is ruined. Mark and I are going to Comic-Con in less than 2 weeks, and it's so exciting. I can't wait. We're going to have an early birthday party for Danny the day after, since I'm going to be in Tokyo on his birthday and Cassie is going to be gone for the weekend after I get home. Then we have to start worrying about Thanksgiving and Christmas, holy shit. I think we might have scheduled too many things at once, once again. I have to say Mark has been especially amazing this week, so helpful, sweet, and understanding. I love him so much, he's the best little brother I could have hoped for. I think that's it for today. Thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is "I don't love you" by My Chemical Romance
BYE!!!!!

  

Feeling stressed

HEY!!!!
Good morning, everyone. Once again I'm feeling so stressed and have no idea how to help it. I saw Jack and Mike, their show was amazing. I couldn't believe the rush of feelings that came to me when I saw Jack's face again. I tried not to let on how nervous I was when I saw him, but I'm sure he knew. He asked why I bailed on him so many times before, and I tried so hard to explain myself, but everything just sounded like excuses to me. I told Mark about the situation I found myself in with him, and he didn't have anything nice to say about Jack. He said he was being unfair to me and he needs to treat me better. I don't think he likes Jack or Cassie's boyfriend very much, and thinks both men his sisters love are assholes. It felt quite nice to vent a little bit about my relationship with Jack, and I'm so grateful Mark was willing to listen. I loved just sitting there and talking to Jack after the show was over, he said he's going to have to go back to a regular job again at least for a while, and it's so weird coming back to his dark, cold, empty house now. He said it takes a long time to get back on his feet after a long tour cycle like this and just live like a normal human being again. That made me feel pity and love for him again. He and Mike both said that this is what they want to do, but it's tough on them too, being lonely and living out of a van for months on end. I beat myself up so much over whether or not I should go to this show and risk going to work exhausted in the morning. It was worth it to see him again after such a long time. I decorated Mom's house for Halloween and had so much fun doing it. It looks even better this year. I also started working for a new client who immediately made fun of my black nail polish. >_> Why is this such an issue when I know I'm good at my job and that's the only thing that should matter to her?  I think that's it for today, thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is "Boys don't cry" by The Cure
BYE!!!!!!!!

 

Messy

 HEY!!!!
Good morning, everyone. I was asked by both Jack and Mike to come to this show on Thursday. Once again, I feel like I can't fight both of them. I'm going to at least show up, though I don't know how long I can hang out. Jack's brother is going to be there too, it's weird to think that I'm going to see him again. I hate to feel like I have to compromise again but I have no choice if I'm going to make it to work in the morning. I'm going to practically beg my boss not to make Nate and I work together, I still can't believe we're doing the same job now. It kind of feels like this show could either make or break my relationship with Jack, it's the first time we've seen each other face to face in months and it could either really help repair our relationship or destroy it if things don't go well. I'd felt some tension in our coffee chats a while ago and it worries me. I think he is getting sick of inviting me somewhere, looking for me, and me not showing. I want to be with him, and I don't want to lose him. I think that's it for today, thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is "This is how I disappear" by My Chemical Romance
BYE!!!!!

Back again, yay ^_^

 

 

HEY!!!
Good morning, everyone. I don't have quite as much to tell you, but I've got something. I got invited by Jack again to a show that's really close, and I want so badly to go. It's Thursday night, and it's in the same damn city we live, so how can I not go? We haven't gotten to see each other face to face in a while and he made it seem very important that I'm there. I can't believe he's still asking me, I know I've put him through some shit. The problem is, the show isn't going to be over until about 2:00 am and I have to be at work at 7:00 am. I don't want to bail on him and make him feel rejected again, I don't want to hurt him. I also really want to see him, I've wanted to see him for a long time. I called my grandma, and she said she's fine, the doctors checked out the growth on her thyroid and it's benign. I was so happy to hear that, believe me. I also found out that Nate just got a job at the same company I work for and will be doing the same thing I am. What the fuck, Nate? My boss just told about it yesterday, and I can't believe it. I really hope my boss doesn't make us work together, I can't do it. I think that's about it for now, thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is "Knives and pens" by Black Veil Brides
BYE!!!!

 

Finally back

 HEY!!!

Good morning, everyone. I'm sorry it's been such a long time since I wrote. I didn't mean for it to be so long between posts, believe me. I didn't get to go to Canada because Mom got a sinus infection, but we went to visit Cassie and actually had some fun. She said she loved me twice in one day, I couldn't believe it. I was talking to Jack and Mike about their Warped Tour experiences and both just seemed so glad to be home. Jack said at least he saw cool things and met new people, whereas Mike was kind of upset at having only slept in an actual bed about once a month for half a year or so while they were touring. I felt bad for him, for once he didn't seem happy and that's weird for me. I know I can't expect him to be happy always, but it's still weird if I'm the one smiling and being cheerful and he isn't. My dad's hand is finally better, he let me talk him into going to the doctor. Our relationship is getting better, but sometimes it's still difficult for us to find things to talk about. I don't know if he'll ever understand me, and vice versa. My grandma was told she has a growth on her thyroid and it's probably nothing, but this still scares the shit out of me. I want to her back from her about it. Maybe I should just call her. I've officially got tickets to Comic-Con, and I can't wait to go. I think the guy working in the comic shop my friend Katharine owns kind of likes me, because as I was buying the tickets he just kept talking and didn't seem to want to let me leave the store. Katherine actually had to tell him to get back to work. It's a little scary to think it isn't that long until I leave for Tokyo. Corey got caught drinking and driving again, God damn him. I don't know how I can love him so much and still be so pissed at him. I also met another Supernatural fan girl, and it was so fun. It was nice to talk to another girl about it; I love watching the show with mark, but he isn't going to get all fan girly over the guys with me, lol. I'm also going to help mom decorate her house for Halloween soon. I think that's about everything worth talking about that's happened in the last two weeks. Holy shit, it was actually a lot. Thanks for reading.

Today's song is "Fade to black" by Metallica

BYE!!!!!!!!!!

 

Good times

HEY!!!!
Good morning, everyone. I had a really good time at the beach on Sunday, and with Mark when I came home. It was nice to just chat with Mom and Cassie and not worry for a little while. We walked on the beach, ate ice cream and chocolate, laughed a lot, and just relaxed for once. We all needed it. Of course, this doesn't help with Jack who was just asking when I'd be able to come and see him. They have another show in this area in a couple weeks and it seems like that's the next time and I can see each other. I can't help that he's still in another state, you know? I hate that I always feel like I'm neglecting this guy, I feel so bad. I'm really afraid I'm going to ruin our relationship. I don't want him to feel rejected anymore. I'm worried about Dad, he hurt his hand and it looks like it's broken but he's being stupid and refuses to go to the doctor. I told him a few times he needs to go to the doctor and have it taken care of, but he refuses to listen. I'll drive him myself if I have to. Other than that, I think my relationship with him is getting a little bit better. I hope it is at least. It nice to think I can put the years of anger behind me finally. I think that's about it for right now. Thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is "Kiss and Control" by AFI
BYE!!!!

 

Caught in between again

HEY!!!
Good morning, everyone. I feel caught between some of the most important people in my life, and I hate it. Jack asked again if I'll be coming to see him, Mark wants me to hang out with him, and I should really be getting ready for my trip with Mom and Cassie. How do I do this without disappointing anyone or making them feel rejected? I can't stand this feeling. There's got to be something I can do. I have to make time with Jack a priority or he's never going to invite me again and I'll be cut out of his life over time, and I don't want that. Yeah, I'm freaking out again. *takes a deep breath* On a totally different note, my neighbor is pissed at me because her boyfriend was hitting on me. How is this my fault when all I did was walk by him in the hallway of our apartment building?  I was on my way to work, and he starts calling me "girl" and asking me questions and shit. I forgot how weird it is to be called "girl" by any guy who isn't Jack. >_> I think that's it for today, I just had to get this off my chest.
Today's song is "Dead memories" by Slipknot
BYEEE