Not better, but back

HEY!!
I'm still not feeling totally better, and I might not for a while. I just had the urge to write this morning and thought I'd better go along with it. I got an invitation to another of Jack's shows and possibly another one, if they have the show. He was kind of wondering how many people would even show up, and hoping all his fangirls would be there. I wanted to say "I'm there, but what the fuck kind of way is that to act if you have a girlfriend?"  I did a lot of sitting and moping around the past few days, though Cassie did provide a rather welcome distraction for me. Her car broke down, and I had to come pick her up and take her home. I didn't mind, I wanted almost anything else to think about. She gave me a hug, said she loved me, and that helped quite a bit. Cory did the same the last time I saw him, which made me feel even better. It's always nice to know I'm loved and appreciated by my family at least. I don't understand why Jack would still want me at his shows  and want to talk to me and hang out with me after breaking my heart. I thought I understood him, you know? Maybe I just assumed too much and didn't realize it. I want to see him more than I can say, but I don't know if I should. I can't tell you how much it still hurts me to know I can't be with him, and to know that's the second time he's rejected me. I might have had a chance in the beginning of our relationship, but not almost 4 years into it. I should have said I love him years ago. He's still acting more or less the way he always does around me, though he knows he's hurt me.
 I'll never forget all the times he's made my day and made me laugh or smile, I'm still grateful for every minute I spent with him, but I don't know if I can do this. I don't know if I should even try. As long as I have any feelings for him at all, they're just going to keep getting hurt unless he reciprocates, which I'm fairly sure he won't. He's leaving for another tour in a couple of months, and I'm glad in a way. I need a little distance from him, I think. He's all fucking excited and wants to get out on the road again, anyway. I don't know how his girlfriend is going to deal with him being gone a good part of the year. It drove me crazy just being his friend. I realize that's something he doesn't really like about me, but I'll be damned if I can help it. I just keep asking myself if maybe whatever I felt between us was really all just in my head, and it was never real at all. It's horrible how much that thought depresses me. I wanted so much to just be with him. Okay, enough of that, I have to go to work soon and can't show up crying. Cory got a new job and starts today, and is moving into a nicer place soon. I'm so happy he seems to have gotten his life together. I swear, things got better for him as soon as he quit drinking. I love him and want him to be as happy always as he is now. I think that's it for today. Thanks for reading, love you guys.
Today's song is "I hope you suffer" by AFI
BYE!!!!