Still planning......

HEY!!!!!!
I've found out something else I want to do in Tokyo, I want to go to J-World, a Shonen Jump theme Park. Anything that might have to do with Itachi or Ace is a must, I'm afraid. Plus, I just really want to get my anime nerd on this time. I wanted to nerd out so much more than I did, but Cassie kept telling me she didn't want to, so I didn't. Speaking of Ace though, look at him. Gorgeous, right? Now if only he were a real guy, lol. I've found a hotel that's much closer to basically everything I want to see and do, but it costs a little more and doesn't offer breakfast. I'm trying to decide if it's worth it. I told Cassie about it and she was surprisingly blasé and acted like she really didn't give a shit one way or the other what I did. I expected her to be jealous or want to come along or something, but she didn't seem to care. I'm glad in a way to have told someone about it, but it would have helped to have her talk to me more about it. I told Mark and he said if it weren't so crowded, it would be really fun in Tokyo and he'd like to go. He might still go if he can get over his aversion to crowds and a lot of noise. I think it would be fun to have him along, but not if he's going to be uncomfortable and unhappy the entire time. I also don't want to have to drag him shopping with me again, that wasn't fun for either of us. He hates flying too, so that might be a deal breaker for him. On to a different subject; the new client of mine that I said was really demanding actually called me and apologized for the way she'd acted and told me what a good job I'm doing. I can't tell you happy this made me. I think that's it for today, thanks for reading. '
Today's song is" Bother" by Stone Sour
BYE!!!!!!!

 

Plans

HEY!!!!!!
I've been coming up with a lot of plans for trips I want to take and will be taking. I said I'd be going up to Canada again on the 14 and 15 of September, but had to switch it to the 15 and 16 because of work. It's going to be fun, but I don't think that would give me enough time to really see everything that I want to. That's all the time I have to spare though, I'm afraid. I'm going to Waterton National Park and I've heard it's really beautiful. I'm still most definitely going to Tokyo as well, I think in early spring. I'm going to go to Tokyo Tower, the Ghibli Museum, Imperial Palace, Tokyo Anime Center, Madame Tussuads, Odaiba, Meiji-jingu, Hikawa Shrine and so forth. I think it's going to be really fun. I have a lot of shit to figure out still. I think that's it for now. Thanks for reading, love you guys.
Today's song is "Fade to black" by Metallica
BYE!!!!!!!!

 

A new fanboy .......

HEY!!!!!!!
I had a crazy, busy day yesterday. I started working for my newest client yesterday, and oh my God, it was difficult. I don't think any of my clients have been this fucking demanding, and I hated it. Yes, I know I'm there to help them, but they should treat me with a bit of God damn respect. I went to do a little shopping after work to try and get out of the bad mood I was in, and had my bag with the buttons on it with me, and this guy comes up and says "I notice you have Sailor Moon buttons on your bag. I always liked Sailor Mercury. I think she's the most competent, and cutest."

I kind of nodded and said she was my favorite character, and he just kept talking. I tried to act like I had to go into a store he wasn't heading into to try and get away from him, but he followed me in. I had to tell him I really wasn't interested, and he looked really hurt. Once again, I feel like shit for hurting someone. I still just don't want a guy who isn't Jack, I'm sorry. It isn't even that the guy was ugly or anything, I just haven't gotten over Jack yet. I heard  from Sandra yesterday, and she was wondering when my family and I are coming back to Austria. I still haven't told anyone that I'm going to Tokyo in the spring, so she thinks I'll be able to go to Austria again. I don't know if I want to go back to Austria again so soon, though I know my aunt and grandma would really happy.  I'd rather hang out in Tokyo, to be honest. I think that's all for today, I have to get going.
Today's song is "I hope you suffer" by AFI
BYE!!!!!

Back...again

HEY!!!!!!!
I'm still not happy, but I'm trying to focus on something other than Jack for a while, at least. I'm feeling a little annoyed with my mom again, and I don't want to make a big deal out of it, but wish she would think about how she says things before she fucking says them. She doesn't seem to realize how much some of her comments can hurt my feelings, and she doesn't know how hurt and fragile I'm already feeling. I feel like one giant raw nerve right now and hate it. I feel sometimes like I can never do anything to meet with her approval, and she always has to be right. Why can she never see things from my point of view? I know a lot of girls have this problem with their moms, but knowing that doesn't necessarily make me feel any better. I think in a way, she's part of the reason my self esteem is so low. I never fucking criticize her like she criticizes me. She criticizes my language, clothes, music, and friends. I don't know how many times I've tried to tell her I have a right to do, say, and think what I want. I also have a right to be myself, even if she doesn't always agree with that. I'm not doing anything to hurt anyone, except myself emotionally, but that's none of her business.  I just hate this feeling. Jack's band's put out a new song, and it's amazing. I say this not as his and Mike's friend, but as someone who truly loves their music and is still in awe of the beauty of what they can create together. I hate that Jack can still make me feel like this; I smile stupidly, my heart pounds, and my face is flushed. He didn't need anything more than his smile to steal my heart away, and I think he knew that. I wish I hadn't left myself so open with him, and that I hadn't gotten hurt for letting him in. I don't think even now he realizes just how rare it is for me to truly want someone in my life and to let them know me, and how much he's hurt me. I have to say once again, it's funny how often his own words could be used against him, some of the words he's written could be taken directly from my mouth. I think that's it for today. Thanks so much for reading, I love you guys.
Today's song is "Snuff" by Slipknot
BYE!!!!!

 

Still sad......

HEY!!!!!
Good morning, you guys. I'm still hurting because of Jack. This is made even worse by the fact that I ran into him yesterday. He waved and gave me that heart stoppingly beautiful smile.

I smiled rather weakly back at him and jogged on, I couldn't really handle talking to him for long. It's especially bad that his girlfriend is all over his Facebook page now, constantly leaving him messages and (I think) checking up on him. He said he didn't want that in a girl, so why is he allowing this bitch to do it to him? Yes, I fully admit that I'm jealous, but this is ridiculous. I really didn't think he'd go back so quickly on what he said he wanted in a girl, at least not so quickly. I know I shouldn't be so mean to this girl, considering that I don't even know her, but it bugs me to think that she gets away with much worse crazy girl behavior than I ever did, and she stole the one guy I really wanted. Well, she didn't steal him, she just had the guts to actually tell him how she felt immediately. I really wish I'd told him, maybe then I'd be the girlfriend other girls are jealous of. I can't believe this makes the fourth time I've been rejected by a guy I like, it's really sad. I'm trying to stay positive, but it's difficult. I don't know if Jack and I can remain friends, it's tough just looking at him right now. I think that's it for now. Thanks for reading, I love you guys.
Today's song is "Shiver" by The Gazette
BYE!!!!!

 

Sitting by myself, drinking coffee

HEY!!!!!!
Good morning, you guys. I really feel the need to get up and do something, but once I've finished my coffee. I haven't seen or spoken to Jack since he invited me to his show, and am debating if I should go at all. Part of the reason I wanted to go was to see him, and I don't know if I should now. I don't know if it would be good for me to be around him. I really hope my heart won't hurt like this forever, it's still difficult not to get all sad when I think about him. I'm lonely without him too, in a way. I hate how he invited me into his world, introduced me to his friends, told me all about his family, and now I don't even know if I can see him again. I'm so stupid for not speaking up and telling him how I felt a long time ago. It's good I guess to have some distance from him, to sort out my own feelings, but ultimately it hurts no matter what I do. All right, enough about him for now. I got to meet Cory's girlfriend yesterday, she seems pretty nice. He asked me to show her a couple of pictures of him as a kid, because he doesn't have any at his apartment. She kept telling him what a cute kid he was, and I agreed. I have a couple of pictures of all of us as kids, which seems like fucking millennia ago. It's kid of sad and ridiculous how much my little brothers and sister have been cheering me up lately. I shouldn't have to rely on them like that, it's embarrassing. I can't tell you how good it is to finally see Cory sober and happy again. I think that's it for today, thank you for reading.
Today's song is "Love like Winter" by AFI
BYE!!!!!!!

Still not better

HEY!!!!!
Good morning, you guys. I'm definitely still not over what happened with Jack, and I don't know for sure that I ever will be. I don't know if I could really be over him if I tried, quite honestly. I feel so shitty still, and a couple of things have happened to just make me feel worse. This random woman felt the need to criticize how I wear my eye makeup. She said I have beautiful eyes, but wear way too much eye makeup, which detracts from their beauty. I really felt like saying "Bitch, all I ever do is take care of other people and put up with their shit, and you're really going to stand there and criticize me for something stupid like this?!" I knew I'd regret saying that, and stopped myself before I did, but it bugs the living hell out of me that people I don't even know feel the need to comment on my appearance and judge me for it. I hate that they act like they know what's best for me and what I should do. How can anyone really know what's best for someone else, especially if they don't know them at all? Okay, I've gotten that off my chest now and can let it go. I won't be writing on September 14 or 15, because I'll be in Canada. I'm quite looking forward to this trip, and Tokyo in the spring. That's part of what's keeping me motivated to do anything right now. I can't fucking wait to get away from here in a way. I love how good Cassie, Cory, and Mark have been to me lately and need it desperately. I love to know at least I'm good at being their big sister, you know? I'm going to a movie tomorrow, just to get out of my apartment for a while. I have some new fanboys, it seems. I came into my favorite record store, and the manger kind of smiled and said "There's the little girl with the huge cult following" I looked at him and said asked him what he meant, and he said "All the guys in this store love you, they're always happy when they get to see or talk to you." My first response was what the fuck? I don't even know what to think about this, though it does explain a few things, like why the guy didn't make me pay full price for my coffee the last time I bought some at the little stand they have in the store. This is admittedly a little creepy, but I don't know what to do about it. I kind of laughed and thought about telling Jack that I have fanboys and I'm not even in a band. That would be sour grapes though, I think ,and don't want that. I think that's it for now, thanks for reading and getting past the 60,000 page view mark. Holy shit, that is a lot. I love you guys, and will be back as soon as possible.
Today's song is "17 Crimes" by AFI
BYE!!!!

Not better, but back

HEY!!
I'm still not feeling totally better, and I might not for a while. I just had the urge to write this morning and thought I'd better go along with it. I got an invitation to another of Jack's shows and possibly another one, if they have the show. He was kind of wondering how many people would even show up, and hoping all his fangirls would be there. I wanted to say "I'm there, but what the fuck kind of way is that to act if you have a girlfriend?"  I did a lot of sitting and moping around the past few days, though Cassie did provide a rather welcome distraction for me. Her car broke down, and I had to come pick her up and take her home. I didn't mind, I wanted almost anything else to think about. She gave me a hug, said she loved me, and that helped quite a bit. Cory did the same the last time I saw him, which made me feel even better. It's always nice to know I'm loved and appreciated by my family at least. I don't understand why Jack would still want me at his shows  and want to talk to me and hang out with me after breaking my heart. I thought I understood him, you know? Maybe I just assumed too much and didn't realize it. I want to see him more than I can say, but I don't know if I should. I can't tell you how much it still hurts me to know I can't be with him, and to know that's the second time he's rejected me. I might have had a chance in the beginning of our relationship, but not almost 4 years into it. I should have said I love him years ago. He's still acting more or less the way he always does around me, though he knows he's hurt me.
 I'll never forget all the times he's made my day and made me laugh or smile, I'm still grateful for every minute I spent with him, but I don't know if I can do this. I don't know if I should even try. As long as I have any feelings for him at all, they're just going to keep getting hurt unless he reciprocates, which I'm fairly sure he won't. He's leaving for another tour in a couple of months, and I'm glad in a way. I need a little distance from him, I think. He's all fucking excited and wants to get out on the road again, anyway. I don't know how his girlfriend is going to deal with him being gone a good part of the year. It drove me crazy just being his friend. I realize that's something he doesn't really like about me, but I'll be damned if I can help it. I just keep asking myself if maybe whatever I felt between us was really all just in my head, and it was never real at all. It's horrible how much that thought depresses me. I wanted so much to just be with him. Okay, enough of that, I have to go to work soon and can't show up crying. Cory got a new job and starts today, and is moving into a nicer place soon. I'm so happy he seems to have gotten his life together. I swear, things got better for him as soon as he quit drinking. I love him and want him to be as happy always as he is now. I think that's it for today. Thanks for reading, love you guys.
Today's song is "I hope you suffer" by AFI
BYE!!!!

 

SO SAD

HEY!!!!!!!
I'm really not feeling any better yet, so I think I'm just going to stay home and try to get myself together enough to go to work in the morning. I know I said I'd be giving Jack my heart and the power to crush it, but I never thought he'd actually do it.

I know he probably didn't intend to hurt me, but he did. All
I ever wanted was to be with him, you know? I can't tell you how happy the stupidest littlest things he said or did made me. I don't know if we should even chat anymore considering my feelings for him, I don't think his girlfriend would like that. What's the point then of keeping him in my life if I can't even fucking talk to him? I'm sorry, I think this is going to be it for today. I love you guys and will be back when I'm feeling better.

Today's song is "Precious" by Depeche Mode
BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Worst day in a long time

HEY!!!
Good morning, guys. I've had a really busy and eventful week, but there's really only one part of that I want to talk about. Jack started chatting with me over Facebook, said he had something to tell me, and broke my heart. It turns out he found himself a girlfriend, and it wasn't even some girl he met on tour or something; I didn't turn up for a chat one night, so he started talking to another girl from around here, they hit it off, and are now together. God fucking damn it. I've officially lost what little hope I had of him being my boyfriend, and it's my own fucking fault. This might not be the worst day of my life, but it's one of them without a doubt. I don't know if I have a right to be upset considering how often I pushed him away and everything, but it still hurts so much. I know I said a few times that we wouldn't necessarily be a good couple, but I still would have wanted to be with him and at least try to make it work. When he told me about this, I was so glad we weren't talking face to face, I started crying so hard. I've cried a few times more since, believe me. I tried shopping, exercise, cooking/cleaning, and music to try to cheer myself up, only to get nowhere. I'm still so depressed, and I have to act like I'm all right with it. I don't really know if I want him to stay in my life, it's going to be so awkward and terrible from now on, and I don't know if I can do this. I don't want to be away from him either, so I'm fucked. We can still be friends, I guess, but it's going to be painful and miserable for me. Is it really worth it to keep him around if he's in love with someone else? I can't even bear to hear his voice in music right now, and it bites that we listen to a lot of the same music, because it all reminds me of him. I listened to some of our favorite songs while we were talking, and at first felt so happy, but now it makes me want to cry. He's the one guy in years to just make me fall completely and utterly in love with him, and all he had to do was smile at me. Why couldn't I have been less of a fucking wuss and told him how I felt years ago? I had almost 4 God damn years to tell him. *puts head in hands and tries not to cry* I'm such and idiot, I fuck up everything when it comes to guys. What's worse is he's going to be home soon, and will probably be going everywhere with his new girlfriend. I rejected almost 10 ten guys because they weren't him, you know? I didn't get the one guy I really wanted, and now I'm alone. I need to quit with this subject for now. I'm doing really well at work, I got a small raise and will start for new client next week. That seems to be all that's going well for me. >_> I think that's about it. Thank you for letting me vent. I love you guys.
BYE!!!!
Today's song is
"People=shit" by Slipknot
BYE!!!!!!!

A little lonley

HEY!!!!!!
I chose today's entry title because I got to see a few more pictures from the tour Jack and the guys are just finishing up, and really wanted to be there with him. Part of me thinks "What the hell am I doing? He never said he wants me there, he never said he loved me." I swear to God I can't help it, though. I'm really glad they're going to be coming home soon, and can't wait to see him again. It's kind of sad to think summer is already almost over, though. I'm getting pretty excited for my little trip to Canada, even if that does mean potentially being away from Jack again. I guess it's not like we really get to spend much time together, anyway. I feel again like I'm letting something great slip through my fingers, and I don't like it. I should have told him years ago how I feel about him. I feel again like my work is taking me away from everyone and everything I love, and I don't like that, either. I just kept going over that in my head and got really unhappy. I know I said I'd make more time for the people I love, and I'm trying my God damn best, but it's so hard. It's seriously gotten to the point where my clients will call me at home to ask how to do things, or where they put things, they depend on me so much. I always kind of feel like I'm being put in an unfair position between my job and my family and friends; I can't possibly make everyone happy at once, though God knows I fucking try. I think that's about it for today. Thanks for reading.

Today's song is "Collapse (post Amerika)" by Rise Against
BYE!!!!!

SO busy

HEY!!!!
Good morning, everyone. This has been an extremely busy week, and I'm glad to actually have some shit to write to you about. Jack, Mike, and the guys will be

playing shows overseas for the first time in a few months, and are so fucking excited. Their label is kind of pushing them to go and expand their fan base some more, but I'm going to miss them so much when they're gone. I'm going on another short trip, as well, in a few weeks. I'm just going back up to Canada, to see some shit I didn't get to see last time. It's going to be kind of relaxing, and believe me, I need that. I'm so proud of my boys for all they've accomplished, and I love them in different ways, but I don't want them to go. I talked to Cory for quite a while yesterday, and it's amazing how well he's doing. He's got a new girlfriend who's a couple years older than he is, and wants us all to meet her. I can't believe this, he never let us meet any of us previous girlfriends. He said things are going really well between them, and if things continue to go this well, he definitely wants us to meet her because she's going to be sticking around for a long time. I'm glad he seems as happy as he does, he deserves nothing less. I did a bit of shopping after work yesterday, and just got really fucking nerdy. I bought a Wonder Woman coffee cup, a couple Hetallia buttons, and a little ice mold that has the shapes of Itachi and Sasuke. I freaked the fuck out when I saw the ice mold that looked like Itachi, because I love him and don't really have any character goods of him yet. I know I've already mentioned this, but I fucking love Itachi. I'm already using it, making little Itachi shaped ice cubes. I've also been listening to the new AFI song "I hope you suffer" a lot, God damn it's awesome. I hate that I have to wait until October for their new album, but you can bet I'm going to buy that shit the second it comes out. I (obviously) still fucking love Davey and Jade. I think that's about it for today, thanks for reading.
Today's song is "I hope you suffer" by AFI
BYE!!!!!