Hi guys, 
I just had the weirdest fucking thing happen to me. I texted Nate to wish him a happy birthday this morning, he thanked me and said I should come hang out with him after I got done with work. I know that usually when a guy says "hang out", he doesn't really mean hang out; but since Nate and I have known each other since junior high and nothing even close to this has happened, I didn't really think anything of it and agreed to come over to his place. I assumed it wouldn't be just the 2 of us since it was his birthday. I realize that was my mistake, and staying when I realized it was just the 2 of us was my second mistake, but still. Anyway; I get there, we chat for a bit, he offers to make some coffee and we start drinking it, then out of the blue he fucking kisses me. I swear I couldn't breathe for a second, the shock of it took my breath away.I stop him and try my best not to hurt him when I say he better never do that again. I have to ask what the hell was going through his God damn mind when he did that? I never thought of him as anything but a friend, and I'm afraid all of that is now royally fucked. I wasn't sending him any kind of mixed signal, I was just being a good friend. He never gave me any indication that he liked me in that way, I don't get it. I'd really hoped to have one friendship with a guy that doesn't get all fucked up like this. >_> He isn't a bad guy, he's always been really sweet and good to me, and I (naively) assumed that's all it was. He'd been kind of like my confidante, you know? He isn't necessarily a bad looking guy, either; just not the guy I want to be with. 
I wish so much that I could change this, or that it had never happened. I really hope there aren't any guys reading this and thinking "Of course he likes her, why else would this guy listen to her talk incessantly about everything?" I feel so stupid and so shitty right now, I can't even properly describe it. If a guy only listens to a girl if he likes her, then by that logic Jack totally likes me; he remembers everything I ever fucking told him. >_> Then why aren't we together, right? >_> I don't get guys, I fucking don't. What do I do now? I don't want to lose him as a friend. I don't know where we go from here. I even told him about this situation with Jack, so he knows I like someone else. Okay, I need to calm down. Maybe it'll help to think about something(or someone) else. Speaking of Jack, he's doing really well. He and Mike have been writing a lot more for their record. Mike says it's actually been almost good for him to have a broken leg because he's forced to sit still more and he can think things over better. I kind of doubt that, I hope his leg is getting better. He and Jack make an amazing writing team. I can't wait to hear their
new songs when they're done. I hope it doesn't seem unfair that I'm always gushing about Mike and Jack while totally rejecting every other guy. I really don't know anymore. I told Sarah about it, and she kind of smirked and said "I think you're kind of lucky, no guy comes onto me anymore. I wonder what you're doing differently. It must be nice to be so pretty." I don't really think I'm all that pretty, so maybe it's just in the way I act or something. I hope we can work this out, I really hope so. Okay, another subject. >_> Cassie called again today and seems to be liking Paris a little more now. She said she still can't wait to come home, though. Things aren't necessarily perfect for her, but she met a decent guy and is happy for the moment. I don't know how long this will last, but I hope it's going to work out well. Sandra is still in a coma, though showing bits of movment. I thought this was a really good sign, but it doesn't mean anything until she actually wakes up.I hope it will be soon. I think that's it for right now. Thanks a lot for letting me vent and get this shit off my chest. I needed that, believe me.
Today's song is "Chizuru" by The Gazette
Good night, guys
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