Feeling a little better

HEY!!

I have some good news to report here, and I'm damn well going to. Sandra is awake!!! She's talking, and moving her fingers and toes. I'm so happy, I was really afraid this might be it for her. Her recovery is going to be a long and painful process, but she's going to be okay. I also got a call from Cassie this morning, she accidentally broke the washer in her apartment and is really afraid her roommate is going to be pissed about it. I tried to calm her down and tell her that accidents happen, and it would be alright if she just explained herself. Apparently her roommate is a bit of an asshole though, and not very understanding. She seemed to be feeling a bit better when she hung up, which makes me glad. I'm so glad she came to me for help and advice, you know? After all; as a big sister, that's kind of what I do. ^_~ I love that "I love you" was the last thing she said to me. I've also finally gotten everything for London and Paris all planned out, so that stress is finally gone. Now, if only I knew what to do about Nate. >_> God damn it, I hate this. Why did this have to happen? I have to say again that everything is going well, except on the guy front. >_>  Nate's not going to be happy with me, no matter how much I try to explain to him that I don't feel the same about him and just want to be with Jack.  I miss Jack. He was bragging that the singer for one of our favorite bands (that he met last summer) called him and said he wants to sing with him and Mike on their record. I know how much this means to Jack, you should have seen him when he told me about it. His smile seriously lit up the entire room. I was kind of joking that Jack should at least get me this guy's autograph, and that he's a lucky son of bitch to be doing what he's doing. ~_^ Jack at least knows and appreciates how lucky he is to be where he is, but I'm afraid I won't always be able to follow him and that life has much greater things in store for him than a girl like me.  I'd be lying if I  said that I didn't love that we have collective favorite bands and movies, though. I guess that's really all there is for now. Thanks a lot for reading.
Today's song is "My last seranade" by Killswitch Engage

 

BYE!!!! 

Reise Reise...lol

HEY!!
I just wanted to write about my travel plans for Tokyo, Paris, and London and nothing else. >_> I was planning to stay in Asakusa, it's quieter and pretty. I want to go on the Sumida Gawa cruise, shop in Shinjuku and Shibuya (again) and have my picture taken in front of Hachiko, go to the Ghibli Museum in Mitaka, see Meiji- jingu, the Imperial Palace, see Tokyo Tower. God, there's a lot of shit I missed>_> I was also thinking of going to a host club, just for the hell of it. If any of you guys have been to a host club and have advice, I'd love to hear it. Please don't be afraid to comment about it.

Paris^_^

I'm going to see the Eifel Tower, Notre Dame, Sacre Coeur, the Arc du Triomphe, go cruising on the Seine, see the Louvre,   and whatever else Cassie, Mom, and Mark want to do.

London  ^_^

I'm going to see Westminster Abbey, Big Ben, Buckingham Palace, British Museum, Natural History Museum, Tower of London, the London Eye, London Zoo, and whatever else they might want to do.

That's it for right now. Please give suggestions or advice if you have any, and thanks for reading.
Today's song is "A tout le monde" by Megadeth

BYE!!!!!!!
 

Cleaning up the mess....

HEY!!!!

 

I've made my decision about Nate, I can't date him and don't think I can see him (even as a friend) if he can't accept that my heart simply lies with someone else and will never lie with him. I'm still trying process this and it's difficult. I really still can't believe he kissed me, I didn't see that coming. I'm glad at least that he had the decency not to start putting Jack down and blamming him. Jack didn't really ask for my affections either, and I didn't want him to be brought into this you know? I can't believe that soon it's going to be 10 guys that I've turned down because I love Jack and refuse to settle for any guy who isn't him. I know I'm probably being a little bit cold, and I shouldn't do that, but the heart wants what it wants, as the saying goes. Sadly, my heart just wants Jack. I wish he hadn't gotten drunk off his ass then bragged about it, though. That is (and always will be) his one imperfection that I can think of. I can't wait to hear from Jack again, though I won't until he wakes up in a few hours. I wish he wouldn't do this to himself, I really do. I'm still trying to figure out a way to fix my relationship with Nate, but kind of doubt it's still possible. My friendship with Kevin never really recovered after he came on to me and I turned him down and that sucks ass. Do you see what I mean when I say I want a friendship with a guy where this shit doesn't get in the way?  I don't know why they can't understand that. >_> On a different note, I was talking to Jamie, the guy who hit me up on Vampirefreaks, and we started taking about Japan and Japanese music. He said I should check out Exist Trace, and he was right; they're amazing.  What's not to love about a Japanese all female    

melodic Death Metal band? It sucks that they haven't gotten their fair share of recognition. I can't believe they've been playing together for about 10 years already, and I no idea who they were until about a year and a half ago. I guess that's really it for right now. Thanks for reading and letting me vent yet again.
Today's song is "daybreak" by Exist Trace

BYE!!!!!!!

The shit has hit the fan...again

Hi guys,

Last night was not a good night. I tried explaining to Nate for about half an hour that I really just wanted to be friends with him without anything sexual getting in the way, that I valued that relationship very much and didn't want to ruin that. He said that's something every woman says when she just doesn't like you, and that I was sending him all kinds of signals.>_> I got upset and said I wasn't sending him shit, he just read into our friendship and found something that wasn't really there. You should have seen the look on his face when I told him he can't kiss me again and we're just going to be friends. So much for not hurting him.>_> I didn't think I was sending him any kind of signals at all. Is it unfair for me to decide unilaterally that he and I are just going to be friends and not give him a say? That's what totally threw me about this; he knows I'm into another guy and he knows I've only ever thought of him as a friend. I never even suspected he felt like this. It didn't feel right when he kissed me, I can't help how I feel. I still hope he'll forgive me. I honstly never meant to hurt his feelings. I hope this doesn't mean we can't remain friends. I need to have long walk with some good music to clear my head, maybe that will help. I don't know what to do. I tried to get him to see my side of things, which seems to have blown up in my face. I hate how guys always make me feel like a bitch when I reject them. I swear, I never meant to hurt any of the guys I rejected; I just don't feel the same way. God damn, I wish Jack would love me, too. Speaking of Jack, he made a weird fucking joke this morning; he joked about how he likes older women, and he made the joke to me. What the fuck does this mean? Why can't he (and every other guy) just say what they really mean? I don't get it. I think that's it for now. Thanks for reading.
Today's song is "Welcome Home (Sanitarium) by Metallica

BYE!!!!
 

GOD DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi guys,

I just had the weirdest fucking thing happen to me. I texted Nate to wish him a happy birthday this morning, he thanked me and said I should come hang out with him after I got done with work. I know that usually when a guy says "hang out", he doesn't really mean hang out; but since Nate and I have known each other since junior high and nothing even close to this has happened, I didn't really think anything of it and agreed to come over to his place. I assumed it wouldn't be just the 2 of us since it was his birthday. I realize that was my mistake, and staying when I realized it was just the 2 of us was my second mistake, but still. Anyway; I get there, we chat for a bit, he offers to make some coffee and we start drinking it, then out of the blue he fucking kisses me. I swear I couldn't breathe for a second, the shock of it took my breath away.I stop him and try my best not to hurt him when I say he better never do that again.  I have to ask what the hell was going through his God damn mind when he did that? I  never thought of him as anything but a friend, and I'm afraid all of that is now royally fucked. I wasn't sending him any kind of mixed signal, I was just being a good friend. He never gave me any indication that he liked me in that way, I don't get it. I'd really hoped to have one friendship with a guy that doesn't get all fucked up like this. >_> He isn't a bad guy, he's always been really sweet and good to me, and I (naively) assumed that's all it was. He'd been kind of like my confidante, you know? He isn't necessarily a bad looking guy, either; just not the guy I want to be with. I wish so much that I could change this, or that it had never happened. I really hope there aren't any guys reading this and thinking "Of course he likes her, why else would this guy listen to her talk incessantly about everything?" I feel so stupid and so shitty right now, I can't even properly describe it. If a guy only listens to a girl if he likes her, then by that logic Jack totally likes me; he remembers everything I ever fucking told him. >_> Then why aren't we together, right? >_>  I don't get guys, I fucking don't. What do I do now? I don't want to lose him as a friend. I don't know where we go from here. I even told him about this situation with Jack, so he knows I like someone else. Okay, I need to calm down. Maybe it'll help to think about something(or someone) else. Speaking of Jack, he's doing really well. He and Mike have been writing a lot more for their record. Mike says it's actually been almost good for him to have a broken leg because he's forced to sit still more and he can think things over better. I kind of doubt that, I hope his leg is getting better. He and Jack make an amazing writing team. I can't wait to hear their

new songs when they're done. I hope it doesn't seem unfair that I'm always gushing about Mike and Jack while totally rejecting every other guy. I really don't know anymore. I told Sarah about it, and she kind of smirked and said "I think you're kind of lucky, no guy comes onto me anymore. I wonder what you're doing differently. It must be nice to be so pretty." I don't really think I'm all that pretty, so maybe it's just in the way I act or something. I hope we can work this out, I really hope so. Okay, another subject. >_> Cassie called again today and seems to be liking Paris a little more now. She said she still can't wait to come home, though. Things aren't necessarily perfect for her, but she met a decent guy and is happy for the moment. I don't know how long this will last, but I hope it's going to work out well. Sandra is still in a coma, though showing bits of movment. I thought this was a really good sign, but it doesn't mean anything until she actually wakes up.I hope it will be soon. I think that's it for right now. Thanks a lot for letting me vent and get this shit off my chest. I needed that, believe me.

Today's song is "Chizuru" by The Gazette

Good night, guys

   

BACK!!!!

HEY!!

Good morning, guys. I'm so glad to just be home today. Working on Saturday sucks ass, I forgot just how badly it sucks. The people I was taking care of weren't even nice to me, and I'm the only one trying to help them. I know I don't necessarily do this job for gratitude (or money) but it would be nice if they could appreciate the efforts of the first person in years to do something to help them out. Okay, sorry, I'm whining. I'm going to talk about something else. Angela is officially remarried. ^_^  She texted me a few wedding pictures, and looks so happy and beautiful. I'm really happy for her and hope this marriage works out. I know her husband, and he's an alright guy. They didn't really get to know each other until years after high school, which is kind of funny. I think it's kind of sweet, though. Sandra's still in a coma, though she's starting to move her fingers and toes. I think that means she's going to come out of it, and I really hope she will. This makes me wonder if Frankie might have woken up too, if they'd been able to afford to keep his life support going. This is just too fucking sad a thought to have, I shouldn't have said that. >_> I talked to Mike for a bit after work yesterday, poor guy got himself hurt trying to snowboard. He was going down the slope too fast, lost control, and broke his leg. He's going to be fine, but you should have seen the look of pain and unhappiness on his face. Jack and the rest of the guys were with him and took him to the hospital, luckily. Sadly, they were also the ones who put him up to it. He was trying to prove to them that he could snowboard as well as they can, since he's still pretty new to it, and hurt himself. This is the first time their antics have gotten anyone hurt, and I hope it's the last. The guys all feel terrible, needless to say. Normally they're funny, and I can laugh at their pranks and jokes, but I wish they hadn't dared him to do this. I had a really nice little talk with Cassie Thursday. It seemed like forever since we'd talked, though it had only really been a few days. She said she can't wait to see me, which I never thought she'd say, and that she loves me. ^_^ This is seriously all I ever needed to hear, you know? She said she's kind of come to hate it in Paris, and wants to come home. I hope it's not all that bad. I think it's just her first time spending any significant time alone, and that's what she doesn't like. She isn't like me, I don't mind solitude. I think she feels a little out of place there, too. I know how that goes, I feel out of place almost everywhere. I'm also planning another Japan trip, a solo one, for next year. ^_^ I haven't technically told anyone else yet, so you guys are the first to know. I think I'll mostly just hang in Tokyo, there was so much I wanted to see and do that I didn't get to last time. I seriously need to brush up on my Japanese for this next trip, it was embarrassing how little I could speak and understand without help. I've gotten into another Japanese band, The Gazette. Their sound isn't quite as heavy as Dir En Grey's but the lyrics are just as dark, and I love it.  I guess that's really it for right now, thanks so much for reading.

Today's song is "Suicide Circus" by The Gazette ^_~

BYE!!!!!!!!!

DAY OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey guys,

Care to join me for breakfast? I'm kidding, lol. I'm home today because I have to work Saturday, and it's kind of nice. Sandra still hasn't woken up, I'm afraid. I wish I knew more today than I did yesterday, but I really don't. I wish there were something I could do to help. I think even the doctors are kind of at their limits as to what they can do for her, which scares me. I really hope she'll wake up soon. I keep hoping and praying, but it feels kind of pathetic to just sit and wait while actually doing nothing to change things for the better. I have good news, though; Angela's getting remarried. She's really happy. She and her boyfriend have been together for over a year now, and they decided it was time to tie the knot. It's going to be just their families, since they can't afford a more "traditional" wedding.  I'll be there in spirit, since I have to work that day anyway. I guess that's really it for right now. Thanks for reading this, and I love you guys.
Today's song is "King nothing" by Metallica.

Jack^_^

HEY!!
I'm still not entirely sure what's going on with Sandra, her older brother said he goes to see her every day and there isn't much change. That's all I know, my friends. I guess it covers the relevant points well enough, but it's still frustrating to sit here and do nothing. I heard from Jack and Mike again; God damn it, they're funny. I know this doesn't really help answer all my questions about our relationship (such as it is), but it did cheer me up a bit. I'm very glad I had them to cheer me up at least, believe me. I think I can always count on them for that, and I'm grateful. I needed cheering up for another reason too, I'm afraid; my dad called again. It seems he really wants to at least try to work things out, but I think it's just because he wants a place to crash when he gets here that he won't have to pay for. I just don't trust him or believe much of anything he says, I can't help it. What am I supposed to do when he's done nothing but disappoint and hurt me my entire life? I don't know if he'll  ever just want to be there for me as a father should or if it's just convenient because I'm a grown woman with her shit (mostly) together who can take care of him. I was thinking it over a lot yesterday, and I'm fairly sure I can't trust him and he just wants me to take care of him. I know that technically it would be the right thing to do to let some shit go at least and take care of him, even though he never took care of me. I just don't know if I have it in me to be forgiving of so much and take care of someone who's never been there for me when I needed him. Do I owe him anything? I'm really conflicted. I guess that that's really all there is for today. Thanks so much for reading, I love you guys.
Today's song is "Fade to black" by Metallica ^_^

BYE!!!!

Freaking out......again

Hey guys,

I'm so relieved to get back here finally. Sandra's still in a coma, which makes it about 3 weeks. I know there've been cases where people have come out of comas just fine after much longer, but it still scares the shit out of me to think she might not. I know I'm kind of being selfish when I say I'm scared for her, but I can't help it. I'm scared for her parents and older brother, too. I think I need to switch subjects or I'm going to start crying. I miss Jack like fucking crazy again. I finally got him to talk to me but he refuses to say he likes me in so many words. I think at best he just likes having me around. I thought this guy's smile looked uncannily like his, I love it. I don't know what to do about him, though. I don't want to wait around for him to decide if he likes me or just wants me around in case he can't find a better girl. This brings me to another point, I'm almost 28 and am going to be alone (again) on Valentine's day. I don't necessarily have to be alone, but I'd rather be alone than be with a guy just to say I'm not alone. I want to be with Jack, but again if I can't be with him, then I don't want a guy. I want to have this cute kind of relationship with him. I really wish I did. I don't know why he's the only one I really want to be with, but he is. I hope you don't think I'm being unfair to the other guys who've hit on me by not giving them a chance. I know part of it is that Jack is simply way better looking than they are, but it's more than just that. He makes me feel like I belong and he makes me laugh.

 I know it's stupid that I'm forgiving him all his bullshit so far, and maybe he doesn't deserve it, but it's my choice to do so. I know it means something that he's told his friends about me and they've accepted me, I just don't know for sure what it means. I'm sitting here right now, listening to my coffee brewing and waiting for him to either text me or start chatting with me on Facebook. You have no idea how much I want to just speak to him. I'm going to be so fucking busy this coming week, and Thursday is mom's birthday, too. I ordered her a cake and Mark and I picked out a couple of presents for her. I won't be here next Saturday morning because I'll be working. My boss kind of forced another client on me. I don't know why people seem to like to pile so much shit on my shoulders that I feel like I might collapse. I was talking to Cassie again, she wants us all to go see Cirque du Soleil in Paris when we get there. I hope we can still get tickets, it seems a lot have already been sold out. I need to figure that out too, in addition to where we're staying. I don't know why it falls to me to do this shit, but it seems it does. >_> My stomach hurts from stress, I think it's only a matter of time before I have an ulcer or something. I think that's really it for right now. Thanks for reading, love you guys, ^_^

Today's song is "Kirisute Gomen" by Trivium

BYE!!!!!!

Really scared

Hey guys,
I got a call from Mom last night telling me that my cousin Sandra is in a coma after a really serious car accident and might not come out of it. My aunt called Mom to tell her about it, and Mom called me afterwards. I'm really scared the same thing that happened to Frankie might happen to Sandra, they have basically the same injuries. I really don't want to think she might die, but what if she does? Her parents and older brother are going to lose it if she dies. I was so excited to see her and the rest of my family over in Austria. I started crying after I hung up the phone, I couldn't help it. She was a really mean, spoiled, pain in the ass when we were kids but she'd grown up a lot and become someone I was glad to call a friend. I'm hoping to hear from someone about what (if anything) has changed with her. She's been in a coma for 2 weeks, I hope she comes out of it. I'd been talking to Cassie on Facebook chat, making plans for things to do in Paris, and then I get this call. I'd almost opened up to Cassie about this shit with Jack until my phone rang. I felt like I needed to talk to someone and who better than my sister, right? I tried to get him to at least text me, but he said he was busy recording all day and couldn't talk. Mike said they'd been having some trouble getting certain parts in their new songs right and had to keep trying. I know it's expensive to book a recording studio and they don't have a ton of money to work with since they're on an indie label, but still. It's still wrong to say something like that to girl, shake her up completely, and then not elaborate or explain. I got so caught up in all the drama I forgot almost entirely that yesterday was Imbloc, Blessed Imbloc to all of my fellow Wiccans. I think that's really it for right now. Thank you for reading, love you guys.
Today's song is "Hear you me" by Jimmy Eat World (Dedicated to Sandra) I love you, please wake up.

Bye

Overwhelmed

HEY!!!!!!!

This has been one hell of a busy week, my friends. I started working for my newest client and everything went really well. I can't tell you how happy I am about that, nothing else needs to go wrong. I heard from Jack again, he said how happy he is to be working on a real record and then touring throughout the summer. He also said he'd missed me on tour; he just fucking casually dropped that little bomb toward the end of our conversation. He did something just like this when he said he'd been thinking about me, like he can only really express himself in these quick little confessions. What does this mean, or does it mean anything? What am I supposed to do with that? I don't get why he couldn't have said this before. Why now? I don't understand. I told him I missed him too, though not that it was driving me crazy how much I missed him. We're going to be separated for a while, I won't even be on the same continent. He knows how I feel about him, and tells me this. I'm so confused. I don't want to fuck things up here, I know we'll stay connected through Facebook while I'm gone and he's on tour but that isn't going to be enough for me. SHIT!!! I don't want to lose him. Okay, I need to talk to him some more. I need to switch subjects if nothing else. I'm going to be comforting Mark today, he found out 2 of his best friends are going to be valedictorian and salutatorian of their graduating class, and he isn't. He says it makes him feel stupid. He beats himself up far too much. He knows he isn't stupid, their GPAs were just slightly higher than his. I guess that's really it for right now, thanks for reading.
Today's song is "Fade to black" by Metallica

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!