HEY!!!!!!
Jack and his friends are busy recording as I write this, so here I sit feeling lonely and kind of sorry for myself. I know everyone else has even more shit going on in their lives than I do, so I shouldn't bitch too much. I really hope I at least get to hear their now song soon. I read the lyrics, and they're amazing. I didn't want to admit to Jack that he's probably a better writer than I am. I think it's kind of still hitting me, the enormity of what could be ahead for them. Even though I've had about 7 months to get used to it, and I've met them and watched them play, they're still just normal guys to me because I've gotten to see them offstage. I found out one of my friends is sick and just went into the hospital again. The funny thing is, we weren't friends immediately. She kind of liked to boss all the other choir girls around, and I made some really smart ass remark when she told me what to do. Luckily, she found it hilarious that I, who was easily the smallest girl in the group, was the only one to ever talk back. Sadly, I do have a big mouth sometimes. I really hope she'll be okay. I made some little joke on Facebook about how I feel invisible sometimes, and (surprise surprise) no one said anything about it. I really do feel like I'm of less worth than other people sometimes, and they only talk to me when they want something from me. Yet, I talked with Cassie on the phone for over an hour yesterday, and I know I'm loved by some people at least. I keep telling myself to relax and not to obsess over this. I know that if I keep thinking there's a problem, I'll probably inadvertently create one. I also know how badly my attitude sucks sometimes, and how icy I can seem to people. It's not that I don't like people per se, I'm just always afraid of their judgement and th
at they'll only pretend to like me. I guess I think I'll probably disappoint them anyway, so why bother with a good impression. Yeah, my self-esteem level is still very near 0. I am really happy though when I know I've made an impression on someone; for example when Jack remembered where I went to school and my last name without my having to remind him. I also almost squealed with happiness when I realized we were on a first name basis. I just wish he were more openly affectionate with me. I'm not shy when I like someone, not really; though I'm not shy when I dislike someone, either. I don't know, maybe he doesn't feel much more secure in this than I do. I can't believe I didn't see him the other day, the fact that it was fairly dark, the music was loud, and he wore all black too doesn't necessarily excuse that. It would really hurt me if he said he didn't see me. I still can't believe I couldn't think of anything better than "Holy crap, I almost didn't see you." I'm supposed to be a writer, you know? I guess that's it for right now. Thanks for letting me vent yet again.
at they'll only pretend to like me. I guess I think I'll probably disappoint them anyway, so why bother with a good impression. Yeah, my self-esteem level is still very near 0. I am really happy though when I know I've made an impression on someone; for example when Jack remembered where I went to school and my last name without my having to remind him. I also almost squealed with happiness when I realized we were on a first name basis. I just wish he were more openly affectionate with me. I'm not shy when I like someone, not really; though I'm not shy when I dislike someone, either. I don't know, maybe he doesn't feel much more secure in this than I do. I can't believe I didn't see him the other day, the fact that it was fairly dark, the music was loud, and he wore all black too doesn't necessarily excuse that. It would really hurt me if he said he didn't see me. I still can't believe I couldn't think of anything better than "Holy crap, I almost didn't see you." I'm supposed to be a writer, you know? I guess that's it for right now. Thanks for letting me vent yet again. 
Today's song is "Welcome home (sanitarium)" by Metallica
BYE!!!!!!!!!
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