BUSY

HEY!!!

I want to thank you guys for reading again. ^_^ Over 7,000 page views, holy shit. I'm crazy busy as always, it seems. It's pouring rain right now, but somehow I feel happy about that. I feel almost guilty for having so much fun on Christmas, and having people who love me to spend it with. Jack told me he ended up spending it alone, and I felt horrible for him. I wondered why he wasn't with his family, and where the hell all his friends had gotten to when he needed them. I didn't ask, and he didn't tell me. I can't believe he let me in again like that, I feel kind of honored. I'm trying to think if I've been as forthcoming with him. Probably not. I keep noticing how much I keep to myself, even when I try to let other people in like I tell myself I should. I wanted to tell him I felt sorry for him, but I don't think he just wants to be pitied, I think he wants to confide in someone. I want so badly to be that someone. It's not that I don't understand loneliness either, you know? What's funny is I thought his family was basically perfect, they seem so happy from what I know of them. I wanted to tell him he can reach out to me, too. I think he finally gets that. I feel happy that he talked to me about this, and sad that it happened. Okay, I talk about him too much. I ran into Craig again yesterday and actually took a few minutes to talk to him. He also told me some things that made me feel sorry for him. I'd rather pity than be pitied, you know? Anyway, I tried being nicer to him, too. I told him we could be friends if he wanted to. I have to admit, I dug the fingerless gloves and black nail polish he was wearing yesterday. He looked something like this, only not as pretty. He told me that he's writing a novel and might actually get it published, which I admit is pretty damn cool. I admit to a certain degree of jealousy, there, though, too. Unfortunately, he's also a former gang member. How do I find these people? I laugh to think that my newest friends are a bunch of wannabe rock stars and a former gang member. There's a reason I often keep my family and friends separate. I'm not saying that they're not decent people, I'm just saying that my parents would both have heart attacks if they saw me with them. Even though I'm an adult, I still worry this much about what they think. I know my mom likes most of my friends, at least the ones she knows. But that's because most of them are kind of nerdy girls. Whatever, I guess. I'm hoping that this kind of odd collection of people will be there for a long time. I have a lot of friends who are anime/manga geeks like myself, and music geeks, but not all of them are goth. I'm one of only a few that still dresses the part. Sadly, I know that's partially why I still constantly get mistaken for a high school girl. The other part is, I just look younger than I am. I know this look probably isn't "age appropriate" anymore, but damn it, it looks good on me and I'm comfortable in it. I guess that's it for right now. Thanks again for reading.

Today's song is " Wait and bleed" by Slipknot

BYE!!!!!!!!!

SO confused

HEY!!!!!!!!!

I just saw Jack again, and he totally acted like nothing happened yesterday. I have only one question for him. What the fuck? What was all that soul-bearing that he was doing yesterday, then? Why does he then retreat as if ashamed of it or something? I don't seriously know if I'll ever understand him. He sure as hell got me to feel sorry for him, though. Am I really stupid for letting him get to me yet again? I can't wait to hear their new song, I'm dying to hear it. The all too familiar strains of Jack's guitar and voice woke me up again this morning, and I had a dream about him. Obviously, I couldn't get him out of my head. I'm going to have to bite the bullet here and just be honest with him and myself. I wanted to feel like an idiot for feeling the pity and love for him that I do, but I can't quite bring myself to do that. I have to remind myself that he's been hurt, too. He does also get hurt, so I shouldn't just beat the shit out of him verbally like this. I do wish his vulnerability and honesty would come in more than just these weird little flashes, though. I wish I knew if he still thinks I'm "pretty" too, even with the dyed hair. It's actually kind of this color, I love it. I just don't know what to make of him, sometimes. Part of me thinks I should be more understanding, but another part of me wants him to try to understand me as well. I'm hoping that if we spend more time togther and get to know each other better, we'll get there, but I don't know. I also don't want him to quit asking me to shows, if that happens I'll be really sad. It's just nice knowing that I'm wanted there, you know? I really should have told him I love him months ago, it's too bad I'm such a pansy. Well, whatever happens, this is not going to be an easy relationship. I should take a minute now to thank my 2 new followers, holy shit; that's awesome. I'm glad people are reading my bitchy little rants about my guy problems, I'd say that's a good 85-90% of what I write here. I'm happy to have you reading. ^_^ I just wanted to write more about what's fairly quickly become my favorite subject, Jack. I wrote a quick Christmas message on Facebook to my family and friends, saying how special they make me feel and how happy I am just to have them. ^_~ Subtle, right? I don't know if he'll get that when I say they make me feel special, I mean him. Probably, he isn't stupid. I guess that's it for right now. I want to wish you guys a merry Christmas, or a happy Yule, if you're Wiccan. Thanks for reading.

Today's song is "A Devil for me" by the Balck Veil Brides

BYE!!!!!!!

Killing loneliness

HEY!!!!!!

I'm fairly sure I've used this picture before, but this is kind of how I look right now, but with a shitload more hair. ^_~ I'm kind of feeling sorry for Jack right now, he seemed really lonely and kind of sad. If I thought he'd let me, I would've hugged him. He was going on about how he wishes he had someone to make feel special. How does he not know how special he makes me feel just by talking to me and spending time with me? He knows I want to be the one he makes feel special, too. God damn it, I want to forgive him again. I fully realize that would be stupid, but come on. I probably should have told him he makes me feel special just by being here, but of course I couldn't because I suck. Am I stupid for feeling bad for him? I was all set to give him a piece of my mind about how ignored he makes me feel sometimes, then he says this and all the anger and frustration I'd felt totally gave way to pity and love for him. If he'd smiled at me, I totally would've forgiven him then and there. Son of a bitch!!! I do love him. This has to be one of the weirdest, most amazingly messed up relationships ever. This kind of proves that I can't entirely cut him out though, doesn't it? Well, shit. Do we just keep muddling through life together like this, then? I guess, for now. He was also saying he can't wait to play again, and I have to admit I can't wait to watch him play again. I love his band, there's no doubt about that. I love that I get to watch them pull themselves up by their bootstraps too, it's kind of cool. It does pose a problem if I ever do cut him out, we have mutual friends now and that would further complicate this mess. I hate how easily he can still put a smile on my face. Okay, I have got to get him off my mind for now. I tried on the new jeans I got from Cassie for Christmas, and am so proud that my jeans size is almost the same as my shoe size. I think they look pretty good, but furthermore, I feel good in them. I definitely still have my insecurities, but I really should be proud of all the progress I've made. It's tough not to feel bad about myself when I'm constantly bombarded with all these stupid, unrealistic, and unhealthy images of what I'm "supposed" to look like. I'm not quite to the point where I can say "fuck that", but I'm getting there. I hope to get there soon. I guess I should be happy with who I am, but I know my flaws and weanesses better than anyone, and I see them so much better. I guess I should wrap this up. I'm really grateful for all of you readers and my 2 followers. I'll be back tomorrow, at some point.

Today's song is "Marked" by Bad Religion

BYE!!!!!!!!

Tired but happy

HEY!!!!!!

Our "little" Christmas party went pretty well, and yesterday was actually quite fun. Cory, Mark, Cassie, and I went to a movie. I'm definitely not used to being in a house full of people anymore, I actually got tired out. I've come to like my peace and quiet even more. I mostly got clothes and little things, but that's not such a bad thing. I kind of needed them. I'm trying not to think about Jack, and I haven't seen him in a few days. I miss him, but then I ask myself why I do. I kind of doubt he's missing me, so why put myself through that? I have to say, I'm glad I'm at least asking myself these questions. I also have to say that I had a lot of fun just hanging out with Cassie the first night she stayed over. She actually started doing my hair and we chatted for about an hour. There's a guy she really likes, but he's her boss's son, so it's kind of complicated. I think that's at least a little less complicated than Jack and I. I'm still trying to decide if I want to keep tagging along and trying to pretend that his indifference doesn't hurt me. I really don't know what to do here. I can't deny my happiness when he so much as smiles at me, let alone when he speaks to me. I can't and won't subsist on such a minimum of attention though, I deserve better than that. But by the same token, I can't command him to feel something that he doesn't just because it's what I want. I saw Craig and that other guy whom I think is the one who wrote about me in the local paper today, within about half an hour of each other. I consciously avoided the second guy, but couldn't talk to Craig. I was going into a store, and he was having his clothes rung up at the register. I felt horrible, he was kind of looking at me like "Come over here." He seems to actually be really sweet, I probably was a little harsh with him. I still don't want to give up on the kind of guy I want, even if said guy isn't Jack. I guess that's it for right now. Thanks to my followers, and everyone who reads this. ^_^

Today's song is " Capital G" by Nine Inch Nails

BYE!!!!!!!

I'm happy and angry

HEY!!!!!

I want to say thanks right off the bat to my new follower and all the other people who've been reading. It makes me really happy to know someone's reading what I'm writing. It also makes me so happy to know that Cassie and about 5 of my other friends tried to cheer me up when I told them about those stupid skinny bitches who laughed at me Friday for buying a candy bar. I'm a bit pissed at Jack, though. I desperately wanted him to be one of the people who tried to cheer me up, and he wasn't. He didn't say a God damn word to me, though he talked a hell of a lot to his other friends and "girlfriends". I hate that I feel so bad about myself every time he does that. I saw him for a little bit yesterday, he was heading into work and I was heading in there to buy some Sailor Moon merch. I waved, smiled and held the door for him. I wouldn't let the door slam in a stranger's face, much less his. We walked in together chatting a bit, but then once he got into work he started rubbing his (female) co-worker's shoulders. I know he didn't mean anything serious by it, but I was SO pissed. I'm seriously asking myself now if it's really worth it to keep him in my life at all if he can make me feel this bad. I don't know if he did this because he knew it would get to me like this, but it hurt my feelings so much. I wish so much that we could be like this. Yet, I also hate myself for feeling this desperate and pathetic. I liked sitting like that with Camron, I have to admit. Okay, I need to quit thinking like that or I'm going to start crying. Cassie's coming over tonight and I can't let her see her big sister crying. I've been putting on as brave a face as I'm capable of, but it's not necessarily easy to maintain it. I guess I'm really not just a friend of convenience to my friends, and I'm so grateful for that. I don't know what I'd do without them and my family. I'm grateful for the people I have in my life, believe me. I just wish I had Jack, too. Maybe in the end it would be better if I did cut him out, he couldn't hurt me if I did that. I don't know if he knows sometimes just how much it hurts me when he's distant. I don't know how he can be so hot and cold all the fucking time, either. I keep telling myself that I WILL NOT go chasing him anymore, yet you should have felt my heart skip when I saw him yesterday. I feel kind of like this right now. I know it wears me out, worrying about Jack and trying to fight the urge to cry. Of course, my computer desk isn't so messy. ^_~ I know that on the other hand, I'll be awaiting Jack's band's new song as much as anyone else. I can't believe they've gotten almost 1,000 more fans since I became a fan. Yeah, that's how long I've been with them. I'll be so happy to listen to their new song, and I hate myself for that, too. I'm listening to "Bother" again, I still can't get over my love for it. I should really focus on whom and what I have in my life and forget Jack. Yeah, fucking right. We're having our Christmas party tomorrow night, after Mom, Danny, and I get off work. It's going to be a crazy busy day, so I won't be here tomorrow. I should be able to update on Wednesday, though. I guess that's it for right now. Thank you so much again for reading.

Today's song is "Bother" by Stone Sour

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Day off, YAY!!!!

HEY!!!!!!!!! I finally have some time to write again. Yes!!! I don't have a lot to write about per se, but I want to write. I'm still helping Cassie plan our Christmas party, and it seems to be going well. I'm trying to relax and just enjoy my coffee and the (rare) peace and quiet I get. I've also been doing a collage that I finally finished last night. It's mostly pictures of bands I listen to and animes I watch, but I've also added a picture of Cassie and I in Kyoto, one of the kittens I found, and one of Jack and his friends. I'm really glad to be part of this whole thing with them, but I can't deny that I'm in it mostly for Jack. I know it must seem kind of pathetic to be so happy at the slightest notice from him, but I still am. I can't deny my happiness that some of his aloof attitude is gone around me, he's more open. I was really glad that he'd even deign to talk to me, though that shouldn't seem like such a surprise. I also know part of the reason we're not closer is that I seem to only be capable of letting people in gradually, and I'm still in the process of letting him get to know me. I haven't even heard from him on Facebook since they went to record their new song. My friend just let me know she's probably getting out of the hospital today, I'm so happy. I'm so glad she's my friend, even if she wasn't at first. Nate's okay still too, I just checked in with him. I'm so happy now, I'm almost crying. I'm just happy to have people who give a shit about me, that's all. ^_^ It helps to have people like them when I got laughed at by these skinny bitches for buying a candy bar. Of course, I had to tell them about it. Cassie failed her last final it seems, and she got kind of upset. I think she was really hoping to get straight "A"s again this semester, and won't. I think I've finally rubbed off on my little sister, lol. I'd get pissed in school if I didn't get "A" s, believe me. I guess that's really it for today. I want to thank you all again for reading.

Today's song is "Enjoy the silence" by Depeche Mode"

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!

Lonely

HEY!!!!!!

Jack and his friends are busy recording as I write this, so here I sit feeling lonely and kind of sorry for myself. I know everyone else has even more shit going on in their lives than I do, so I shouldn't bitch too much. I really hope I at least get to hear their now song soon. I read the lyrics, and they're amazing. I didn't want to admit to Jack that he's probably a better writer than I am. I think it's kind of still hitting me, the enormity of what could be ahead for them. Even though I've had about 7 months to get used to it, and I've met them and watched them play, they're still just normal guys to me because I've gotten to see them offstage. I found out one of my friends is sick and just went into the hospital again. The funny thing is, we weren't friends immediately. She kind of liked to boss all the other choir girls around, and I made some really smart ass remark when she told me what to do. Luckily, she found it hilarious that I, who was easily the smallest girl in the group, was the only one to ever talk back. Sadly, I do have a big mouth sometimes. I really hope she'll be okay. I made some little joke on Facebook about how I feel invisible sometimes, and (surprise surprise) no one said anything about it. I really do feel like I'm of less worth than other people sometimes, and they only talk to me when they want something from me. Yet, I talked with Cassie on the phone for over an hour yesterday, and I know I'm loved by some people at least. I keep telling myself to relax and not to obsess over this. I know that if I keep thinking there's a problem, I'll probably inadvertently create one. I also know how badly my attitude sucks sometimes, and how icy I can seem to people. It's not that I don't like people per se, I'm just always afraid of their judgement and that they'll only pretend to like me. I guess I think I'll probably disappoint them anyway, so why bother with a good impression. Yeah, my self-esteem level is still very near 0. I am really happy though when I know I've made an impression on someone; for example when Jack remembered where I went to school and my last name without my having to remind him. I also almost squealed with happiness when I realized we were on a first name basis. I just wish he were more openly affectionate with me. I'm not shy when I like someone, not really; though I'm not shy when I dislike someone, either. I don't know, maybe he doesn't feel much more secure in this than I do. I can't believe I didn't see him the other day, the fact that it was fairly dark, the music was loud, and he wore all black too doesn't necessarily excuse that. It would really hurt me if he said he didn't see me. I still can't believe I couldn't think of anything better than "Holy crap, I almost didn't see you." I'm supposed to be a writer, you know? I guess that's it for right now. Thanks for letting me vent yet again.

Today's song is "Welcome home (sanitarium)" by Metallica

BYE!!!!!!!!!

Confused yet again

HEY!!!!!

Sorry I let this go for a few days, but I've been CRAZY busy. I saw Jack yesterday, and he actually broke our little stalemate and spoke to me, so it's all good. It's really more like I came into one of his little hangouts, and he spotted me waved, came over and asked how I was. He was also wearing his glasses again. ^_^ I was too, of course. I hate to admit how happy just that little exchange still made me. I find it very interesting that my best friend had trouble recognizing me with the dyed hair and glasses, and he didn't. I saw Craig almost right after that, and he recognized me, too. I still have some definite reservations about him, but I can't help that he makes me happy. I seriously just wanted him to reach out to me for once, that's all. He was kind of bitching about his job again when I asked what's been up with him lately, which makes it the third time he's done that. Not that I mind him opening up to me a bit, but I know for a fact that his job could suck a lot more. I was glad that he let me in again, if only for a moment. It might just be because I'm female and he's male that he expects me to be sympathetic, but whatever. He also told me his band's pushed up the recording date for their new song, to tomorrow. I wish I knew how we always end up on the subject of his band, though. I also got a little pissed at 3 of my friends and 1 of my cousins, for bragging about how drunk they either did get or were about to get. I love these people, which is why I don't understand why they do this to themselves. But this is also why the Straight Edge girl never gets invited out more than a few times a month, they know I'll just bitch them out if I see them drinking. This might also be why I don't get to hang out with Jack as much I'd like to. It was kind of funny, when he came up and started talking to me, my brilliant response was "Holy crap, I almost didn't see you. I'm sorry." I can laugh about it now, but I was fairly embarrassed. I guess that's it for today. Thanks again for reading.

Today's song is "Tha Perfect Boy" by The Cure

BYE!!!!

Back again.........

HEY!!!!!

First of all, thanks again to everyone who's read. Holy shit, over 6,000 people have read this thing. I've been on my cell phone quite a lot in the last 12 hours or so, Cassie sent me a picture of her Christmas tree and Danny was telling me about his new job and how he starts Monday morning. They're both pretty damn happy, and I envy them in a way. Obviously, I haven't exactly been happy. I just wish things were better with Jack. I could wish that for the rest of my life, though, and get nowhere. I hate how weak I am when it comes to him. I'm going to try some Wiccan spells and chants to try to cheer myself up a little, hopefully it works. I'm feeling very witchy today. ^_~ It doesn't help that he added 6 more "girlfriends" to his Facebook page. In a jealous and weak moment, I went and added these 2 guys I used to like, but haven't seen or talked to in years. It's crazy they even remembered me. I kind of doubt Jack will get jealous, though. I guess it's a good thing they're still kind of gorgeous, but they have nothing on Jack. I feel more and more like I'm just a friend of convenience for most of my friends, anymore. I know it's probably because I don't put myself out there very much, because that scares the shit out of me. I hate that I'm one of his "girlfriends", yet he'd probably never consider me real girlfriend material. I also hate how people just assume things when I tell them I'm friends with a guy in a band. The first thing that popped into Trevor's head when I told him about Jack was that I'd be hopping into bed with him as soon as he put his guitar down, and that pisses me off. I don't like that they automatically think that's all we could do together. Not that I'd kick him out of bed, but I don't want people thinking so little of either of us. I guess that's really it for right now. Thanks again for reading and I'll be back as soon as I can.

Today's song is "Kill Caustic" by A.F.I.

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Playing hide and go seek

HEY!!!

Here I am again. Guess who I just avoided again. Yeah, Jack. I feel like we're playing hide and go seek, only we don't want to find each other. Oh my God, this sucks. I know one of us is going to have to cave in eventually, but I don't want to be the one to do it. I always cave in to him. At the same time, I really want to go talk to him. I saw my best friend today, she was with her new boyfriend. She almost didn't recognize me with my dyed hair and glasses. I saw one of Mom's friends, who also didn't recognize me. I find it very funny (and weird) that my best friend and I have the same name, and we like guys with the same name. I should try thinking and writing about something else though. Work went amazingly well yesterday, I was happy. I want to go hang out with someone, I hate being shy and kind of a loner. I think in a way, people like that I'm generally okay with hanging out in the background. It makes me think that I'm kind of a convenient friend, which is part of why I get invited to very few things anymore. It also makes me think that they don't respect me very much, though they might really like me. Okay, I need to quit being so insecure; but that's honestly how I feel. I'm really hoping to remedy some of these feelings, but I'm not sure I know how. I've talked to Cassie and Cory a bit more about this big Christmas party that Cassie wants to have, and I don't know if it'll work out. The bitch here is that Cory's going to be moving in a few weeks, and then we might not see him again for months. I don't like that. I need to do some more thinking about this, they seem to expect me to figure it out. What else is new? >_> I guess that's it for right now. Thanks again for reading.

Today's song is "Never again" by Disturbed

BYE!!!!!!!!

Okay, I feel better now.

HEY!!!!

I'm still trying to cheer up, and I think it's working. At least until I have to go to work. I should say thank you to my new follower. You rock! I should also say thank you to everyone else who's read. It's a really nice day out, at least for December. I saw Jack a little bit ago, and totally avoided him. I don't know what I'm going to do. I hope he won't be hurt that I decided to take in the new Twilight movie rather than go to his show this weekend. I'm sorry I avoided him, and I hope I didn't hurt him like he's hurt me before. The movie kicked ass, by the way. His show did too, to be fair. I was told all about it via Facebook. I know this isn't the worst pain anyone's ever gone through, but he has caused me pain. Even now though, I'm perversely happy I met him. I spend most of my days working, taking care of other people, paying bills, and being otherwise "responsible". When I'm with him and his friends, I'm just a cute girl they know who's into their music. It's not like I drink with them or anything, I don't have to. I just feel lighter somehow, and freer. I smiled when he finally told his band's fanbase in general that their merch is available now where he works. I smiled because it was about a month and a half ago that he told me. ^_^ I almost wish I hadn't avoided him now, I wouldn't be sitting here alone if I did. I don't often feel like a part of something, but I do when I'm with them. Okay, it seems like all I do is talk about him anymore. I talked with Cassie yesterday, and she wants to have some big Christmas party with the whole family. Obviously, that's going to be a bit of a challenge. I have to admit, it sounds like a lot of fun, if we can get everyone together. I think this will have to be it for today. I need to get to work. Thanks ever so much for reading.

Today's song is "Fade to black" by Metallica

BYE!!!!!!!

Incomplete and all alone

HEY!!!!!!!!!

I'm back again..if only for a bit. I really still feel insecure. It seems like I'm lonely a lot anymore, even when I have people around. It doesn't help any that I haven't been able to get a hold of Jack, either. I've done everything short of calling him up and screaming "What the hell?", partially because I'm a tremendous wuss, and also because I don't think it would help. I think he's at band practice right now, and I know they have another show tomorrow night, which I'm not going to go to. I'm not going because I wasn't invited, however. I hate all this confusion, and think it's fairly ironic how many of his lyrics could be used against him. So here I sit now, and brood. He and his bandmates will start recording again in a few weeks, and then I'll get to see even less of him. I hate how I feel about him in a way. I know both how it feels to love someone and not have them love you, and how it feels to be loved by someone you don't love. I just know I'll fucking forgive him again the second he smiles at me again, and hate myself for this weakness. I know it isn't his fault I have these feelings for him, but it really hurts that I'm forced to subsist on his emotional scraps while he gives so much attention to his other "girlfriends". Okay, time to switch subjects before I get more upset. Cory's found a new roommate, who helped him with the rent and seems to be a decent guy. I don't know if this is going to work out, but I hope so. I also think I helped Cassie find some pretty bitchin' Christmas presents for our mom and brothers, which makes me happy. I'm also cranking My Chem, which never fails to make me happy. I love Gerard and Frank, SO cute. I know I need to just bite the bullet and have a little tete' a tete' with Jack and be brutally honest if necessary, but I'm so scared to do it. As pathetic as it is, I'm afraid of ruining our friendship or whatever we have. I mean, God, he already knows I love him, and I don't know where to go from here. I haven't actually been able to listen to Jack's band for about 2 days now. I'm even a little confused about Mike's desire to be friends. I know what Jack told him about me, and wonder if that's the whole truth. I don't know, I'm happy to be there for them and be their cheerleader; but I want to be with Jack so badly it hurts. I guess that's really it for right now. Thanks again for reading and letting me

bitch about my problems.

Today's song is "The jetset lif is gonna kill you" by My Chemical Romance

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!