More trip planning, friends, and my sister......

HEY!!!!
I got invited to a rap concert by Megan, and had to turn her down. It starts an hour before I'm done with work, so that isn't going to happen for me. I feel bad for turning her down, she's a really good person and a great friend.

I told her we could do something else, but I wouldn't be able to make this show at all. Since it was her who echoed my discontent with work and life in general and actually understands how I feel, I almost feel as if I owe it to her to do something fun with her and just be a friend to her. Maybe we'll go shopping or something, you know? I hope we can manage this. I think I've said before that my life has become something of a juggling act. I also realized as I was doing my laundry yesterday that Cassie borrowed a pair of socks from me on Saturday and didn't give them back. I can't believe I let her do this after she didn't return the pants she borrowed. I have to promise myself I won't let her borrow any clothes again. She has more clothes than I do and steals mine, you know? The really shitty part is, she said she isn't even sure where they are in her apartment right now. Well, I guess what are a pair of pants and socks between sisters, right? I heard a little bit from Jack, he said he's taking guitar lessons from one of his favorite guitarists and is learning a lot, because this guy is way better than he is. I've been chasing this man for almost four years and haven't really heard him say a good thing about himself. People say I have self esteem issues. >_> I've been thinking a lot about him, and almost want to give up on being with him. Like I said, I've been chasing him for almost four years and haven't really gotten anywhere. Sadly though, he is the one my heart wants. I've done more thinking about my trip, and will just spend my first full day in Ikebukuro, where I'll be staying. I'm going to go J-World in the morning, then wander down to Otome Road and just see what I can see. I hope I can find everything I want to see easily, since I suck with directions. I'm going to bring a map, but even that might not be enough. I think that's all for today, thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is " 6 to 8" by AFI
BYE!!!!!!!!

Good week so far...

HEY!!!!!!!
It seems things are going a little better for me, though not necessarily with Jack. I had a much needed break from the demands of family and friends that seem to be overwhelming sometimes. I decided not to say anything to Nate for his birthday,because he seems to take anything I say or do as an invitation and I don't want that.  I don't mean to sound cold or anything, but I'm not going to lead him on if I don't feel the same way. I decided to try being as nice as possible to Cassie  while she was here, but it's never easy. I made some coffee and some for her. She called ahead of time to say she didn't have time in the morning to eat breakfast and was out of coffee, so I said I'd make her some and she said" Yay!! Angie's going to make me coffee and feed me!!" We drank our coffee and chatted for a while.

It was actually kind of nice to have that time with her, but I'm not sure we can really have the kind of relationship I had hoped for. I'd like to think we can still fix things between us, but I don't know. I want her to be my sister and my friend, you know? I know every day I don't try to fix things with her, we drift further apart. We had a big birthday lunch for Mom and Mark, although a very belated one, and it was nice. I particularly liked the look on Mom's face when she saw the present Cassie, our brothers, and I made for her. I don't think I've seen her that happy in a long time. I guess to give Cassie credit, that was a brilliant and sweet idea. I'm glad she wanted to make our mom happy, Mom deserves it. I have to say my good week started that Sunday, and I've had a string of incredible good luck since. Everything since then has gone exactly the way I wanted it to, with the exception of anything to do with Jack. >_> I don't know if I'm jinxing myself by saying that, I hope not. I really did enjoy the "Me" time I snatched for myself on Saturday, you have no idea how much I needed it. It was nice to not be bombarded with questions, requests, and constant chatter for a little while. I feel bad because Danny has had a string of incredibly shitty luck lately, I feel guilty for being so happy right now when I know he isn't. Thank you so much for reading, and thank you to my new follower. ^_^
Today's song is ":My friend of misery" by Metallica
BYE!!!!

God....

HEY!!!!!!
I wish I could say I was making progress with Jack. The last time I talked to him all he could do was bitch about the lighting at their last show not working right and fucking things up. It's kind of useless to talk to him when he's like this, believe me. I let him get it all out of his system, and he thanked me for listening, but that's as far as we got. I'm his friend, so I was glad to listen, but I want to be his girlfriend. I hope he's feeling better today.

I guess I'll have to wait to find out. Today is Nate's birthday, and Cassie is coming over later. I kind of wish I could have some quiet time that was truly quiet. I just want a few hours where I'm not on the phone, helping someone else with something, or trying to cheer someone else up. I really haven't gotten a lot of "me" time lately is what I'm trying to say. I think people just assume sometimes that I have nothing better to do than help them, cheer them up, and that it costs me nothing to do so. I'm not trying to be selfish, I'm just saying that it does take it out of me to always have to be there and put everyone else's needs ahead of my own. I think I'm going to shut my phone off and watch a little anime later. A couple more of my friends are engaged, and have done nothing but talk about their weddings so far, and it's horrible because I get asked more and more why I'm not married. Once again, I don't think I'd have time for a boyfriend if I had one because I'm too busy taking care of everyone else. Fuck it, I'm going to shut my phone off now and start watching anime. I might play some "Soul Caliber 2 HD" as well, I'm actually good at it.
Thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is " Welcome Home(Sanitarium)" by Metallica
BYE!!!!!!!

Still uncertain.....

HEY!!!!!!
Good morning, everyone. I haven't really been able to talk to Jack to ask him if he's single now or not. I'm trying to tell myself I'm not just wussing out with him again, but I don't know.

I feel like I shouldn't have any trouble humiliating myself in front of him by now, but I'm still too afraid to ask and I haven't heard much from him in the past few days. I hate this. I'm listening to my favorite song of theirs, and thinking a lot of the lyrics apply to him. I want to be with him, but so often  don't feel like I deserve him. I feel that while I can offer plenty of love and support that isn't necessarily going to be enough. Another obstacle I can see to our ever really being together is that neither of us are willing to give up on or compromise on what we truly want for ourselves. That's kind of the downside to our being so similar, you know? I know he might not be the most logical choice for me, but there is no one else for me, as far as I'm concerned. I'm sure we'd have our difficulties, but he's worth work through all this shit for. I think it would be easier for other people to understand our relationship if they saw us together, then they wouldn't think it was such a bad idea. I think that's enough about Jack for now. I think Cassie and I have managed to patch things up, for now. I ended up helping her out with something else, and she actually thanked me, said she loved me, and told me what a great sister I am, Once again, I have to say it seems very unequal- what I do for others versus what they do for me. I think that's it for today, thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is" "Jambi" by Tool
BYE!!!!!!

 

SO confused ....

HEY!!!!
I heard something very interesting yesterday, and I'm not sure if I believe it but I want to. I heard Jack and his girlfriend broke up a few days ago. I don't think I can ask him point blank, and want to hear it from him personally. I realize it be would an asshole thing to do to break up with a girl a few days before Valentine's Day, but maybe she broke things off with him. Part of me has to ask what the fuck I think I'm doing, sitting here and hoping I have another chance to be with him. I just can't seem to get over him, I swear I've tried. He's practically everything I've ever wanted in a guy, and he understands me so well, I think that's a big part of what makes it so difficult to let go of him.

I swear to God, I never thought I'd meet a guy who understands me like this and takes me just as I am. I thought I met a man who understood me when I met Camron, but he was lying to me and putting me on. Jack has never lied to me about anything, and he isn't putting me on. God damn it!! I just wish we could be together if we were meant to be, you know? Mark actually asked if I was going out with him yesterday, and I wish so much I could have said yes. I miss him so much. I've tried to stifle my feelings for him as much as possible, but I could never deny or hide everything I feel. When I brought him that cupcake, and drank hot tea  with him with honey and lemon, for example. I thought "This could easily be everything I ever wanted, I could happily just stay like this for the rest of my life." God damn it. I need to hear it from him. I think that's for today. Thank you so much for reading.

Today's song is "I don't love you" by My Chemical Romance

BYE!!!!!

 

Quiet, peaceful morning

HEY!!!!!!
Good morning, everyone. Here I am again, with a cup of coffee and things on my mind. I heard a little bad news from Jack again, it seems their record label is still not paying them what they were promised, and Jack is pissed. He said "I'm not doing this for money, but I still have to pay my rent and I'm going to have get my car fixed soon." It's sad to see him and his friends being kind of taken advantage of. I hope there's something Jack can do to get fair payment, though I have no idea what that would be. I had a bit of an argument with Cassie yesterday; I couldn't help it, she just pissed me off. She was asking me to help her take care of shit that should really be her own problem, and when I said no, she got really bitchy and mad. We then proceeded to bitch each other out, and are still mad at each other. I regret what I said, but I'm still mad at her. She always acts like my time is somehow worth less than hers and whatever I might have to do is less important than what she has to do, and I hate it when she does that. I refuse to be the one to apologize again. I hate being the one who always caves in.  She wanted to do something for Mom's birthday, but (again) wanted me to do most of the work. All I can say is she needs to treat me less like a servant and more like a sister. She should know better than to treat someone she's supposed to love like this, right?  All right, I think that's enough for today. Thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is " One" by Metallica
BYE!!!!!!

Awwww..

HEY!!!!!
Good morning, everyone. I'm here once again to talk about my amazing friends and family. I seriously don't think I deserve these amazing people or their love sometimes, but I'm grateful for them and their love with every breath I take. Mark was very happy with my kind of meager, improvised birthday party and gave me two really big hugs. Like I said, I love being an older sister. I do my best to be the kind of big sister Mark, Cory, and Cassie deserve and need. I heard from Jack again.^_^

He got a fan letter from this guy who'd been really depressed and said their music helped him out of it. Jack said that made him cry a little, he  didn't know how else to react. He said "This is why I do what I do, though. Remember how it made you smile at me?" I didn't point out that I was smiling at him because he's beautiful and I couldn't help returning his beautiful, infectious smile. I miss talking to him face to face. I had another moment where a friend (though for once not Jack, Mike, or Sarah) expressed something I'd been thinking and feeling for a long time now. It was Megan, and she said that this can't be her life, she can't just go on working and do nothing else with her life when she has so many other things she wants to do. I told her I felt exactly the same way and couldn't agree more. Once again, it helps just knowing I'm not alone in this. I don't really know what either of us are going to do about these feelings or how we're going to remedy our discontent, but it feels good knowing it isn't just me who feels kind of lost and dissatisfied with their lot in life sometimes. I can't complain too much, but if I didn't have these people, I would have given up long ago. I have to say that even my dad has been doing better lately, checking to make sure I made it home safely when the roads are shitty and making sure my heater doesn't give out on me again when it's cold. Granted, it's too bad he wasn't doing that shit all along and actually doing his job as a father, but I'm trying to be forgiving. Mom's been great as always, bringing me freshly made cappuccino and cookies when it was cold and delicious udon. I think that's it for now. Thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is "Addicted to chaos" by Megadeth
BYE!!!!!!!!

 

Mark^_^

HEY!!!!!!
Good morning, everyone. I just wanted to write a little bit about my baby brother today. I can't believe he's turning 19. I can't tell you how much I love Mark and how proud I am to be his big sister. I can try to put into words how good and sweet he is, but I don't think they would be enough to express how I feel and how grateful I am to be able to spend today with him. We had planned to go out to lunch as a family, but the weather kind of got in the way of that. We're going to do it some other time still, of course, but I hope what little I have planned will be all right for now. I think he knows how much I love him, I try to show him that every day. Like I said, he isn't just my baby brother, he's also one of my best friends. I got him "Fable; Anniversary" for his birthday, and really hope he's going to enjoy it. I'm also going to make some French toast for him when he gets here and baked a cheesecake for his birthday, since it's his favorite. I've taken care of him a lot, and he's said I almost seem more like his mom, but I enjoy doing things for him and trying to make him happy. I think that's it for now, thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is "The Quiet Place" by In Flames (one of Mark's favorites)
BYE!!!!!!!!!!!  

 

New plans...

HEY!!!!!
I had to stay home because of the weather today. I'm sitting here drinking my coffee and watching the snow fall, thinking this is nice and relaxing. Danny tried going to work today and got stuck, which was my cue to call my boss and tell her I'm staying home. If he couldn't make it in his car, I sure as hell couldn't make it in mine. I've been thinking more about what I want to do in Tokyo, and thinking I could add a few things and maybe stay a or two longer. If my Japanese were better, I'd go to a butler café or something, just to see how it is. I'd be lying if I said I weren't curious. ^_~ Plus, if I can actually fit everything I want to do in one trip, that would be amazing. I have to make sure to make reservations at the butler café and get my ticket to the Ghibli Museum early, or I'm not getting in. I think if I stayed for a week, that would be long enough to do all the shit I want to do.

I talked to Jack for a bit last night, and he asked if I really liked his band's newest song, the one he wrote himself and I said the lyrics sounded eerily similar to something I would write. I kind of laughed and told him that's my favorite song of theirs, and one of my favorite songs in general.  How can he be so insecure with me? I get that it's not easy to share something you've created with the world, it's very easy to be afraid of what other people will think. After four years, you'd think he would trust me not to say anything hurtful. I told him again how much I love it, and he laughed in kind of a relieved way. As a writer I get how difficult it is to share things in your work with other people, and how reassuring it can be to know other people get it and enjoy it. I trusted him with my poetry and stories, after all. I think that's really cool, that we can share our creativity with each other. He also asked what the first CD I eve bought was, and said I'd laugh my ass off if I knew which one he bought first. I think that's it for today. Thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is "Dozing Green" by Dir En Grey
BYE!!!!!!

Change of plans...God damn it

HEY!!!!!!!!
Good morning, everyone. I got a call yesterday from the airline to say my flight to Tokyo's been canceled, but I can reschedule. They told me it was for maintenance on the plane, which I guess is a good reason. I rescheduled for late October and am going to spend Halloween in Tokyo instead of my birthday, which is what I'd planned. I'm hoping it's going to be just as good to go then. I heard from Jack again, their tour is going really well. He said he's tired of being cold and eating cheap shitty food, but other than that everything is fine.

I hope nothing else interferes with my plans, I feel like this is something I need to do for my own good. I wanted to spend some day that has significance to me in Tokyo, and thought Halloween would be a good alternative. Cassie said she's going to Tokyo in the fall too, but we're not going to go together. I don't know if I want to travel with Cassie at all any more. I'm really starting to wonder if we're ever going to truly work our problems out and be friends. It makes me sad to admit more than likely we won't. I wish we could work out our differences, but I don't know if that's going to really work. I wonder what exactly it is that makes us kind of like oil and water or fire and ice, but I might never know. Jack said I'm a bitter angry chick deep down, and I just hide it well. I hate to admit, but he's very right. I think to some extent, Cassie is too, and that's part of why we clash so much. I think it's stupid to try to force things to work out with Cassie, if anything good is going to happen between us, it has to happen on its own. I think that delay in travel might be good because it gives me time to plan more. I think that's it for now, thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is "Prelude 12/21" by AFI
BYE!!!!!

 

Comic-con and next month..Tokyo

HEY!!!!!!
Good morning, everyone. Sorry it's taken me so God damn long to get back here. I wanted to write about comic-con right after I went there, but that proved to be impossible. I have to say I didn't expect such an amazing convention in this little town, but I'm so glad it was as good as I'd hoped. I have to say my inner nerd (which is basically all of me) couldn't have been happier. I heard there's going to be another convention in a different city in May, and am already making plans to go there, too. I'm totally going back to this convention next year. I tried not to go overboard with my spending at the con, but I bought a "Naruto" poster, a "Fullmetal Alchemist" poster, a Batgirl poster, and a poster of Marceline from "Adventure Time". I bought a little anime version figure of Batgirl too. I heard a little bit from Jack, though mostly he's been too busy to really talk lately.

I think he's been practicing even more lately, he never seems to think his guitar playing is good enough. He said he really wants to concentrate on his screaming and improve that, too. I can't tell you how hard he works on this, and how tough he is on himself if he feels he doesn't do it well enough. We're exactly alike in that respect. My tail bone is feeling much better, I'm really glad I was right and it wasn't hurt more seriously than I thought.  My friend is also walking around, doing little things for herself, and seems to be improving every day. I told to her face (finally) how sorry I was for getting mad at her the last time we talked and she apologized too for trying to tell me how to live my life and she said she should realize that not everyone wants the same things from life and she should respect my choices. I can't fucking believe I'm going to be in Tokyo next month, I'm so excited I can't even put it into words. I really hope everything goes smoothly, but I'm trying not to worry before anything's even happened. It seriously seems like it would be much longer before I would finally get to Tokyo, but now that it's getting close to time to leave I'm just excited and happy. I think that's it for today, thank you so much for reading. Love you guys. ^_^
Today's song is "Jambi" by Tool
BYE!!!!!!!