I'm cool? WTF?

HEY!!!!!!
Hi, everyone. Happy Halloween, and a Blessed Samhain to my fellow Wiccans. I'm feeling somewhat better, as Cory seems to be feeling better. I'm still worried about him, but he seems to have improved quite a bit. He went to church and it seems to have helped him. I can't tell you how  happy this makes me. I'm going to be at Jack's Halloween party soon, but wanted to write. I've missed Jack so much. I hate myself for still holding on to him like this, but it would hurt so much to let him go. I just wanted to talk quickly about something; random people complementing me on everything from my makeup and musical taste, to my God damn wallet. It seems that I'm finally fucking cool, despite the fact that I'm still the exact same girl I've always been, I swear I haven't changed anything, and all of a sudden the things I like are cool and so am I. I never thought of myself as cool and definitely suffered in school for being myself,. When I say school, I mean grade school through college. I never had it easy. I have to say, Jack and Mike accepted me just as I am and I love that. I have to get going, I'm glad I'm not in such a shitty mood so I can enjoy this party. Thank you for reading.
Today's song is "The face beneath the waves" by AFI
BYE!!!!!

  

Cory;_:

HEY!!!!
Good morning, everyone. I've been trying to talk to Cory every chance I get, even if I can't see him in person all the time. I'm trying to help him, and was so glad when he called me. I want him to be happy, but don't know how much I can do personally to provide that. I need to go check in with him in a little while. He said he was going to go to church this morning, just to see if it works for him and if he likes it. I think it's good that he won't be alone this morning, then I'm going to call him as soon as he gets home for church. It's helped Mike a lot to go to church, so I hope it has the same effect on Cory. He said he was going to work some overtime but got hurt at work Friday evening, and couldn't come in, so he was unhappy about that. I told him three times how much I love him yesterday, I should have said it at least that many times every day his entire life, you know? I've been questioning myself so much since he told how he's been feeling, asking if anything I did or said hurt him enough to bring this on. God, I hope not. I just want him to be okay. All I did basically yesterday was talk about death in my blog, I accept death as a part of life and something no one can escape, but that doesn't make it easier to deal with when it comes to people you love. I've just been asking myself if I've really been there for everyone as much as I could have and should have. I know Jack is still not quite himself, and it worries me too.

I want him to be happy, too. I know it isn't my job exclusively to provide the happiness of everyone I love, but I have to wonder if I've really been trying my best. I want them to know that neither of them are alone. I'm listening to their new album again, God damn is it good. It makes me so happy just to know him and Mike, but I don't know what I could do to make either of them happy. I feel so inadequate most of the time. >_> I'm going to start crying, son of a bitch. I want to help and support all three of these guys, but I have no idea where to start. I love them, have for years, but that isn't going to be enough and I don't know what more I can do for them, They all have a little piece of my heart, which I give lovingly and willingly, but I don't know what else I could possibly give to them. I don't know if they have any idea just how much it means to me to have them in my life. I wish I could be a better sister and friend. I don't want to feel like I've failed them, you know? It scared the shit of me when Nate told me he almost killed himself, but it would kill me to lose Cory. I was able to help him I think, but I don't know if the same thing is going to work for Cory, Mike, and Jack. I think that's it for today. Thank you for reading.
Today's song is "Torch song" by AFI
BYE!!!!!!!

Back again....

HEY!!!!!!!!
First of all, thank you for more than 70,000 page views. Holy shit, I did not expect that. I've finally found out what's been bothering Jack lately. He said their record label took more money than originally promised to distribute their album, so for a while at least he's going to have to go back to working a day job. His girlfriend told him she might be leaving him on the same day. Poor guy, I didn't know what to say to him. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and tell him I still love him and would be there for him, but couldn't. I shouldn't even be thinking about this, but I can't help it. I'm really looking forward to seeing him at his party. I'm going, of course. Their new album is amazing, and doing well for the first release by a relatively unknown band on an indie label. I haven't seen him this sad since his grandpa died. Mike texted me last night, said he would have called but had been crying and didn't want me to hear it; his grandma died and he already misses her so much. They're good guys, they deserve so much better than this. I feel really bad for Cory, I think he's really depressed but won't tell me what's going on. I'm worried because he seems to be depressed enough to be suicidal. I can't tell you how much this scares me, and I don't want anything to happen to him. I love him, but sometimes I don't think he believes me when I tell him that. Have I been too harsh on him about his drinking and maybe made him feel like I don't care about him or something? He's been pushing me away a lot lately, and I don't like it. I just want to make sure he's all right. I've been checking in with him, but I can't be there all the time. He thinks I baby him too much as it is, so this isn't going to help,. I don't care if he's mad at me for babying him, so long as he's alive to be mad. God, I've made myself depressed now. God damn it. Cory told me not to tell anyone how shitty he's feeling, but I don't want to keep it a secret if something is really that wrong. I've had these kinds of feelings before, but someone or something was always there for me to keep me going. I want to be that someone for him if he'll let me. This is the most depressing blog entry I've ever written, sorry. Mark is coming over in a little while to carve pumpkins, and I don't want to be all mopey when he gets here. I love AFI's new album, "Burials." I know I'm a little biased since they've been my favorite band for nearly a decade, but it's a fucking awesome album. Cassie invited me to her college graduation in May, and I'm kind of honored because I didn't know if she'd want me there. We're still not as close as we should be. I think that's for today. Thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is "Deep slow panic" by AFI
BYE!!!!

    

Jack:_:

HEY!!!!!!!
I talked to Mark for quite some time and he seems all right now, but I can't get in touch with Jack and I don't know what's wrong. The guy hasn't even been on Facebook in days for shit's sake. If it hadn't been for my cell phone, it would have been over a week since I heard from him. I hope he's all right. He tends to isolate himself when he's working on something, but this is getting fucking ridiculous.  I want to call him, but then I think that would be going too far and his girlfriend would get angry. Never mind, he just invited me to a Halloween party. Oh, my God, this is awesome. How did he know I was thinking about him and missed him? I want to see him so badly. I can't say no to him, or it'll be really difficult getting another invitation. I think that's it for today. Thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is " A Devil for me" by Black Veil Brides
BYE!!!!!!

  

Invitation #15 and more planning

HEY!!!!!!
Good morning, you guys. I got yet another invitation to one of Jack's band's shows and it made me so happy. Quite honestly I don't know what I did to warrant this kind of attention, but I'm grateful for it. Of course, I want to go and watch him play again, it seems like it's been forever since I've seen him and Mike. They've been really busy preparing for their next tour, and I think they're working on some new songs already. I also can't wait until AFI's new album comes out this Tuesday, God damn I'm excited. I'm still a little worried about Jack, he seems sad and lonely. Mark seemed the same way the last time I talked to him, and I don't like it. I really should spend more time with both of them. I hope I can do something to cheer them up. I'm not entirely sure what that would be though. I'm really excited just to see Jack, sadly that's enough to make me happy. Cassie and I are planning Thanksgiving and Christmas shit already, and it seems crazy how much time has gone by so quickly. This is the first year in a long time my dad is going to be here for the holidays and it's a little weird figuring out how to include him. It's stressing me out a little bit to be honest. I don't want anything to ruin what's supposed to be a fun time. I think that's it for today. Thank you for reading.
Today's song is "I hope you suffer" by AFI
BYE!!!!!!!!!!

Feeling better today

HEY!!!!!!
Good morning, you guys. I just heard that a friend of mine married her boyfriend on an impulse last night. Who seriously gets married on an impulse? I know they've been together a long time and love each other very much, but this still seems a little crazy. I just never thought that marriage was supposed to be taken so lightly, you know? Well what do I know, I've never been married. I'm still not sure I ever want to be married to be quite honest with you. I haven't heard much from Jack, except his posting a response to my song quote in our little song quote war. Yeah, we're still doing that. ^_~ Is it childish that we're kind of playing a game over Facebook with each other? I will say my friends was happier in her wedding pictures than I've seen her in months, if not years. I just hope it lasts. I'm glad to say I've feeling better today. I think part of the reason I was feeling shitty in the first place was that I haven't been getting enough sleep lately. I never seem to anymore, believe me. I slept a little bit more and a lot better last night and woke up feeling like myself again. I think that's about it for today. Thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is "Would?" by Alice In Chains
BYE!!!!

Still sick, but not too bad

HEY!!!!!!!!!
I'm still not feeling really well, but this doesn't seem to be as bad as the colds I usually get. Cory said he's feeling sick too. I read another really good review of Jack's band's new album yesterday, it's really amazing to see how people are responding to this little band from the middle of nowhere. I can't tell you proud I am of him and Mike. I know they've been pouring themselves into their music wholeheartedly for years and it's paying off finally, I think it's amazing to see them actually living the lives they've always wanted to live. Jack still seems unhappy and lonely, and I just can't seem to find out what's bothering him. I miss his smile and his laugh so much. I just miss him, to be honest with you. I hope he's going to be okay. I'm listening to some of Dir En Grey's live shows, and it's really cool to hear how good they sound live. I think it would be fun to watch them play. I have to say that it still sucks that Jamie is the only friend I have who understands why I love their music and he's the only one I can really talk about it with. I think that's about it for today. Thank you so much for reading this.
Today's song is "Dozing Green" by Dir En Grey
BYE!!!!!

 

Feeling kind of sick again....

HEY!!!!!!
I'm so glad to be back here.^_^ I finally found some decently priced tickets for Cassie and her best friend, and she was actually grateful and nice about it. I really want to get along with her, but it's often difficult. She said she wants to move away as soon as possible because she doesn't want to live here for the rest of her life. I'm trying not to take that as a dig at me, though the thought definitely occurred to me. I kind of hate the thought that my own sister doesn't respect me. Okay, enough about this. I heard from both Jack and Mike that they're going to be going on another tour soon, and their album is still doing really well and getting good reviews. I'm in awe of what they've managed to do, after years of knowing about the band. I'm both very happy for them and jealous of them for their success. I'm not feeling very well today, and it pisses me off that once again the second the weather turns cold again I start feeling like shit. It's unfair, God damn it. I had a crazy and horrible dream last night- Jack was getting married and for some reason I was helping him prepare for the wedding. I was definitely not the bride, either. I woke up feeling genuinely sad and miserable. I think that's it for today, thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is "Unbroken" by Black Veil Brides
BYE!!!!!!

Music, friends, love,

HEY!!!!!
I'm glad I get to come back here again. I'm eagerly awaiting AFI's new album, seriously, so much. I know only 2 other people who like them at all, and neither love them as much as I do. I was talking to Jack again, and he said again how lonely he is. What the hell is going on with him? He won't tell me specifically what the problem is, but it's obvious there is a problem somewhere. He expects me to comfort him without really letting me know what's going on. >_> He said the people at his record label are flaky and not doing what they promised, and that's not helping. It wouldn't make him lonely though, would it? It just pisses him off. I also have to ask where his girlfriend is in all this and why he's so fucking lonely if he's got her. I don't mind offering him a bit of comfort, but it's weird trying to make him feel better when he's totally rejected me twice. I just really wish I didn't care about him sometimes, so it wouldn't bother me if he's unhappy. Obviously, it bothers me a lot. I wanted to tell him how lonely I am sometimes too, and that I hate feeling like I missed what tiny chance I might have had to be with him. I don't know why I care about his feelings sometimes, when it seems he doesn't always care about mine. I think part of the reason I put up with it is because he at least understands my feelings, which is such a God damn rarity anymore that I have to pretty much just take what I can get. Like I said yesterday, I don't think I've ever been on the same page with a guy as often as I have with him. I thought Camron understood me really well, but he just lying to me and telling me what he thought I wanted to hear. I think that's it for now.
Thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is "I hope you suffer" by AFI
BYE!!!!!!

So busy, and so cold

HEY!!!!!!!
Good morning, everyone.
I've had lot of shit going on lately, and most of it has been surprisingly good. It seems people are loving Jack's band's new album as much as I am, and lots of people have bought it. I can't tell you how happy I am for him and Mike, I love seeing them live their dream. I was jogging yesterday after work, and they drove by, honking the horn and yelling "Hi!!" These guys are fucking awesome. ^_^ I still wish I could be with Jack, though. Having Cassie over went surprisingly well, too. I don't think we're ever going to be best friends, though. I really should learn to settle for just being friends. Jack did another radio interview and said something once again that I could have sworn he stole right from me. He was asked the reason he wanted to get into music, and said that without it his life would have had no direction, he'd have no friends, and he wouldn't be happy. In short, music saved his life, too. I think he said something like this to me before, but hearing him say it again in front of an audience just kind of reconfirms it. I find it funny that once again, we think and feel exactly the same way about something. I don't think I've ever been on the same page with a guy as often as I have with Jack, which makes it all the more painful that we're not together. God, I miss him. I can't wait to go to Tokyo. I wish my Japanese were better, though. It's fucking freezing here already, and it's just barely October. I think that's about it for today. Thank you for reading, love you guys.
Today's song is "Fade to black" by Metallica
BYE!!!!!!