HEY!!!!!!!!!
I'm starting to feel a little stressed again. Mark and mom are asking me to come with them when they go visit Cory and drive his car down to him. I basically have no choice, they totally guilted me into it. What really sucks ass here is that Jack's band is having another show on the 21st near by, and I won't fucking be here. This sucks!!!!I don't know for sure that he'll ask me to go, but he definitely might. Then, I will disappoint him again. On top of that, dad wants me to come visit him on the way down to see Cory. This is horrible, I know there's no way in hell I can do all this and keep Jack and my family happy. I really don't want to disappoint anyone, but obviously I'm going to have to. I can't sacrifice my job, or my family, so I'm (again) sacrificing my friendship with Jack. I haven't told them how important he is to me, because he and my family exist in different worlds, and it's tough
keeping my feet in both worlds at once. I'm listening to them again, just to hear his voice. Maybe I'm stretching myself too thin, trying to be all this shit at once. I feel like taffy, being pulled and pulled in all directions. I woke up early again this morning, the moon was still out, and it was so beautiful. That was the one bit of peace I've had all day. I'm kind of dying to talk to Sarah and Rachel again, I need to vent a bit and actually get some feedback. Rachel and Cassie were being so cute and funny yesterday, I got mistaken for a high school girl again, since I made the mistake of going to eat lunch at the same time and place as a bunch of high school kids. They were joking along with me about that, and it made me feel better about it. I love them for that, believe me. That's exactly why we need other people, right? ^_~ Another little complication is that Mark wants me to go to a movie with him this weekend, and I don't know if I can say no to him. He also wants me to help him pick out some new clothes before we leave to go visit Cory. I have to work this Saturday, so that's no good. Poor kid, I know he doesn't have a lot of friends, so I can't tell him no. But it pisses me off that again I'm going to sacrifice time I could be spending with Jack. I don't want Jack to be mad at me or disappointed in me. God, what do I do? He probably already thinks I'm a total flake for being a no show at almost every show he's invited me to. I'm not done packing yet for our little trip, and we're
leaving in 9 days. I know I'm really a lucky girl to have a group of people who want me around. But, why always all at once? That places a bit of an unfair strain on me, don't you think? Why does it always have to be Jack or my family? Or my job or Jack? Am I insane to think I deserve all of this at once without having to sacrifice anything? I know this is the same crisis of conscience that I was having in September when Jack wanted me at his show and Cassie wanted mom and I to visit her on the same day. Honestly, until I heard about what happened with Frank, that was one of the best days of my life. God damn it!!!!! I hate this, I wish there were some way to do all this at once. I feel sick, I think I'm actually worrying myself sick over this. Maybe I just don't have the time management skills needed to live like this, you know? Sadly, that does nothing to stop me from wanting all of this. How do other people do this and make it look so easy? I just hate that I'm sitting bitching, but not really doing anything to solve this problem. I don't relish looking Jack in the eye and telling him I'm bailing on him yet again, either.
I'm curious in a way to see if he'd really be disappointed If I'm not going to his show, but I don't want to see the look of disappointment on his pretty face if I do end up disappointing him again. Okay, I need to relax a bit. I'm thinking of his smile, God it's beautiful. I want to see that again, believe me. I also can't believe he was the first (and so far only) guy to tell me he was thinking about me. You have no idea what that did to me, I couldn't stop smiling all day after he said that. It's going to suck so badly, he's going to be gone most of this month, April, and May on tour. I really hope he won't just forget I exist and not talk to me. I know it might not have meant much to him when he said he'd been thinking about me, but it meant a hell of a lot to me. I hope he'll miss me. I guess that's really it for right now. Thanks SO much for reading.
keeping my feet in both worlds at once. I'm listening to them again, just to hear his voice. Maybe I'm stretching myself too thin, trying to be all this shit at once. I feel like taffy, being pulled and pulled in all directions. I woke up early again this morning, the moon was still out, and it was so beautiful. That was the one bit of peace I've had all day. I'm kind of dying to talk to Sarah and Rachel again, I need to vent a bit and actually get some feedback. Rachel and Cassie were being so cute and funny yesterday, I got mistaken for a high school girl again, since I made the mistake of going to eat lunch at the same time and place as a bunch of high school kids. They were joking along with me about that, and it made me feel better about it. I love them for that, believe me. That's exactly why we need other people, right? ^_~ Another little complication is that Mark wants me to go to a movie with him this weekend, and I don't know if I can say no to him. He also wants me to help him pick out some new clothes before we leave to go visit Cory. I have to work this Saturday, so that's no good. Poor kid, I know he doesn't have a lot of friends, so I can't tell him no. But it pisses me off that again I'm going to sacrifice time I could be spending with Jack. I don't want Jack to be mad at me or disappointed in me. God, what do I do? He probably already thinks I'm a total flake for being a no show at almost every show he's invited me to. I'm not done packing yet for our little trip, and we're
leaving in 9 days. I know I'm really a lucky girl to have a group of people who want me around. But, why always all at once? That places a bit of an unfair strain on me, don't you think? Why does it always have to be Jack or my family? Or my job or Jack? Am I insane to think I deserve all of this at once without having to sacrifice anything? I know this is the same crisis of conscience that I was having in September when Jack wanted me at his show and Cassie wanted mom and I to visit her on the same day. Honestly, until I heard about what happened with Frank, that was one of the best days of my life. God damn it!!!!! I hate this, I wish there were some way to do all this at once. I feel sick, I think I'm actually worrying myself sick over this. Maybe I just don't have the time management skills needed to live like this, you know? Sadly, that does nothing to stop me from wanting all of this. How do other people do this and make it look so easy? I just hate that I'm sitting bitching, but not really doing anything to solve this problem. I don't relish looking Jack in the eye and telling him I'm bailing on him yet again, either.
I'm curious in a way to see if he'd really be disappointed If I'm not going to his show, but I don't want to see the look of disappointment on his pretty face if I do end up disappointing him again. Okay, I need to relax a bit. I'm thinking of his smile, God it's beautiful. I want to see that again, believe me. I also can't believe he was the first (and so far only) guy to tell me he was thinking about me. You have no idea what that did to me, I couldn't stop smiling all day after he said that. It's going to suck so badly, he's going to be gone most of this month, April, and May on tour. I really hope he won't just forget I exist and not talk to me. I know it might not have meant much to him when he said he'd been thinking about me, but it meant a hell of a lot to me. I hope he'll miss me. I guess that's really it for right now. Thanks SO much for reading. 
Today's song is "Darling, I want to destroy you" by AFI
BYE!!!!!!!!
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