Still have a problem

HEY!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm still hoping I'm doing the right thing about Jack and Mike. I feel so awkward talking to either of them, it's terrible. I was just talking to Jack and he said this other band of a friend of his used so much electricity, they blacked out half the city they were playing in. God, I wish I could've gone. What sucks about that is he's asked me to a show there before, the one that was supposed to be kind of small and intimate where I got confused as to why he asked me. I should have accepted his invitations more often. Before we left, I told him I'd be gone so he wouldn't ask me to his show. It's almost like preemptive rejection, you know? I don't like this. I have to keep from looking at either of them too closely, and I don't want to say too much to either of them. Jack knows how I feel about him, at least. I hate to admit, they're both still so pretty. What's weird is that I've felt an emotional connection to both of them, too. They've both expressed things I've also felt in the exact same words I'd use. They're going to be home from their tour in a few weeks, too. Damn, time's gone by fast. On a totally different subject, I've noticed I've gotten over 13,000 pageviews here, nice. ^_^ I'm also going to be turning 27 this Sunday, Danny has some party planned for me. Have I mentioned Danny is a great big brother? I really don't like being
5 years older than Jack, though. I know it's not a huge age difference, per se, but it still seems weird. It's weird that I usually like older guys, though. I don't know how much difference age really makes when it's a fairly small age gap between people, but I do know that the fact that he drinks and I don't is a major potential stumbling block. I hate to say this, but in a way I see the fact that I got 2 guys who look like Jack and Mike do to pay attention to me and invite me out, wave at me, etc, as a MAJOR feather in my cap. Believe me, for a girl as fat as I was this is an unbelievable victroy. Now, all I have to do is worry about keeping them around. I guess I've really said all I need to say right now. I have a lot more thinking to do, obviously. I hope it's right to keep this a secret. I haven't mentioned it to anyone else yet. I guess that's all for today. Thanks again for letting me vent.

Today's song is "Collapse (post Amerika)" by Rise Against

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've got a problem

HEY!!!!!!!!!!!!

I really do have a problem here, and quite a messy one. I got sent this picture of Mike and Jack playing at their last show, and I just couldn't help thinking "Damn, Mike is looking good. " I never thought of him like that before, but her dyed his hair black and he looks gorgeous. You see the problem now, right? I've kept these thoughts to myself, but I can't deny having them. I definitely still like Jack better, but I'm now officially attracted to 2 guys who happen to be best friends. What am I going to do? What should I do? What the hell is wrong with me? I can't help thinking now about Trevor calling me a skank for having these musician guys around, now I kind of feel like a skank. *bangs head on computer desk* I'm not going to act on these thoughts, but I really wish I didn't have them. I guess this would explain why they've both popped up in my dreams before, right? God damn it, this sucks. So much for trying to keep my life simple. I guess I should just accept the fact that as long as these guys are in the mix, my life is going to be anything but simple. Yet, I kind of brought it on myself. I started chatting up Jack, I went to watch him and his band play, I didn't have to meet the other guys. I really like being around them, and it scares me to think I could royally fuck things up if I let it be known that I'm kind of into Mike now, too. I admit it kind of bolsters my ego to think that a girl like me is getting any kind of attention from guys who just 2 years ago wouldn't have looked twice at me, let alone hang out the window of a moving car to say hi to me, or honk the horn to make sure I saw them, or ask me to their shows 8 times. God, this is such a mess. I wonder what Jack would think if I told him I thought Mike was pretty, too. I need to get going, and try to think of something besides this while I'm at work today. Wish me luck with that. Thanks for reading, and I'd love to have some feedback if you have any good advice on this dilema.

Today's song is " Morningstar" by AFI

BYE!!!!!!!

Bad, bad night

HEY!!!!!!!!!!!

I had an interesting conversation last night with my friend Jamie, a girl I've known since I moved here. We were kind of comparing lives, cars, and whatnot. I don't think she meant to be so condescending and bitchy, but it really pissed me off the way she talked to me. I got the distinct impression she looks down on me because I'm not married and don't have kids. This coming from a girl who got so drunk most weekends, she didn't remember where she even fucking went to drink. Anyway, she's married now and is expecting her second kid. I just couldn't help it, I got so pissed at her attitude toward me.

What right does anyone have to tell me how to live, when I'm probably doing the responsible thing by not having too much, and a lot of kids? I couldn't believe I let this go on for over an hour, I almost wanted to hang up on her. Thank God I got to talk to Sarah after that, it made me feel so much better. I apologized again for not coming to her party, and she said;"Girl, if I could've been with you, I wouldn't have made it, either." I smiled at that, and thanked her for being such a good friend. Jack posted a picture of himself at their last show, he's playing and smiling so beautifully.He just looked SO happy to be there, I really wish I could've been, too. It seems obvious this is what he was born to do. Okay, I guess that's it for right now. I really just wanted to vent about Jamie. Thatnks for letting me do that, and reading it.

Today's song is "Theory of revolution" by AFI

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FINALLY home

HEY!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so glad to be back home, I can't even tell you. We were supposed to be home yesterday, but actually didn't make it back until this afternoon because of a freak snow storm that delayed the bus we took home. I've already missed 2 of Jack's shows this week, one of which just ended now. I didn't want to do that, believe me. He's let his hair grow out a little and has a new tattoo, he looks SO awesome. He's even still wearing his glasses. ^_^ It's been WAY too long since I saw him. I did have a lot of time to think about Jack while I was gone, though. I think that rationally, he and I don't belong together. We're too different in our approaches to life, by which I mainly mean the fact that I'm a Straight Edge vegetarian and he's a fairly serious drinker who LOVES his hamburgers and steaks. I'm more than willing to give on the issue of his eating meat, but I wouldn't want him coming home sloppy drunk all the time. I know he wouldn't want me telling him what to do, either. I doubt I could get him to stop drinking, and I don't know if I can put up with it. That's a fairly serious issue for me. I know it's not like we're together or anything, but it's something to think about before I'd really want to be with him. That doesn't stop me from wanting to be with him, of course. I'm still glad to be his friend, I just wouldn't want my boyfriend to be like that. I was trying to think if there's a chance in hell he and I would really work out as a couple, if he even wanted to date me. I'm more than likely doomed to be one of his 'girlfriends' and never his girlfriend. I know the age difference between us would also probably be a deterrent. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've really thought it through, and I don't see anything happening between us, and maybe it's better he shot me down when I asked him out. Damn it!!!!!!!!!!!!! I still want to be friends though, and this is going to get really weird and awkward. Of course, I'm going to look all stupid and happy the next time I see him or hear from him. I hate to say that I almost missed the adulation of my little group of 'fanboys', at least they make me feel good about myself. Although, I definitely don't miss Trevor's attention. *shudders* I guess that's really all there is for today. Thanks for letting me vent yet again.

Today's song is "Charlotte" by Kittie

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'll be home soon

HEY!!!!!!!!

I'm very glad to have a new follower, thank you. ^_^ I'm heading home tomorrow morning, and I seriously hope it's going to be a good trip. Jack and his friends are starting their tour tomorrow, also. I hope it goes well, and really wish I could be there to watch him play. He posted this picture of his side that he bruised pretty badly at their last show, it probably hurt a lot. I couldn't help but ask if he fell off the stage again, and it seems he did. He was kind of proud that he hurt himself. He's fine, obviously, but he should be more careful. I know it seems kind of antithetical to the whole rocker guy thing that he does to tell him to be careful, but this is at least the second time he fell off the God damn stage. I feel like kind of a freak because of all of Cory's new friends and co-workers here, only one of them doesn't drink. He's also kind of an anime fan, which is awesome. But why should it be antithetical to the way most people do things to be Straight Edge? I can't wait to hear from him again, so here I sit, hoping he'll pop up on Facebook. I hate myself though, for being so weak when it comes to him. This actually is antithetical to the way I usually do things, to just sit and wait for something to happen. I hate feeling again though, like I usually do, that there's something wrong with me because I choose to live differently. I was also asked (again) why I'm not married. I swear to God, I'm going to scream if someone asks me that stupid fucking question again, as if it's any of their business. That pisses me off to no end. I hate being told that this is all I can do, or all I'm supposed to want to do and that I'm defective as a woman if I don't. Okay, okay, new subject. It's fairly nice and peaceful here otherwise, though admittedly a little boring sometimes. I still don't have a lot of vegetarian options here, but the ones I have are pretty amazing. I miss Jack, despite the fact that we don't agree on the whole Straight Edge/ vegetarian thing. Most of the people I know disagree with me on that, I'm afraid. I guess that's really all there is to say for right now. I should really go pack and make sure I've got enough food and coffee to at least get me through tomorrow. I'll start writing again here as soon as I can. Thank you all again for reading this, it's so awesome.

Today's song is "The killing lights" by AFI

BYE!!!!!!!!

Quick post

HEY!!!!

I'm here quickly just to update you guys on what's been going on. I'm at Cory's right now, and it's pretty basic living. I'm not complaining, he's got what he really needs, and it makes me grateful for what I have. It's good just to see him. He's doing fine, and we made it there fine. I'm just a little bored because there's very little to do. We went to the next town over yesterday, and it's fairly nice. Sarah (thankfully) isn't pissed at me, and is fine if I don't help her out with her party. I'm not so sure about Jack, he's as enigmatic as ever. I imagine he'll be okay, as plenty of his other "girlfriends" are going to their next show. I'm still missing the living hell out of him, though. I dreamed about him a couple of nights ago, and it was a really freaky dream; we had kids together. Of course, I'm NEVER telling him that. I haven't told anyone about that. I'm listening to them again, and really hope they put out another EP soon. I guess he's really excited about their tour, and is hoping they get to play Warped Tour again this Summer. If possible, I'd love to go there. I guess it's going to be pretty far away, though, so I probably won't be able to make it. God damn it, there are days when I hate my job so much. I might still be a little bitter about "having" to go on this trip, and giving up Jack's show and Sarah's party because of it. Cory was so glad to see us, though, and Mark would be going out of his mind with boredom if I hadn't come along, so I guess for them, it's worth it. I love my brothers and my friends, it's the same stupid dilemma I always seem to wrestle with. Again, I wish there were some way to make everyone happy. But, I guess I have to accept that it's just not possible and try to make it up to Jack and Sarah later if I can. I'm hanging out here alone for a while because Mark and mom are getting some lunch. I'm hoping they can find a decent vegetarian meal here. I know I shouldn't be picky, but I'm not going to give up on that. I guess that's really it for right now. Thanks again for reading.

Today's song is "6 to 8" by AFI

BYE!!!!!!!!

STRESSED

HEY!!!!!!!!

I think I might have pissed Sarah off by being so vague about whether or not I'm going to help her out with her party later on. I don't want to just say no, but I can't commit to anything right now, either. I don't want her to get mad at me if she isn't already. I hate that I'm always trying to make others happy, yet feel like I get very little in return. It's not that I'm not grateful to have these people in my life, I just wish they wouldn't overwhelm me with requests all at once like they usually do. I hope I'm not sacrificing another friendship because of this trip. I'm afraid I'm going to lose Jack's friendship. I told him I'm going to be gone, so he doesn't get disappointed if I'm not there to watch him and his friends play. I think he went to his grandpa's funeral a few days ago, I feel so terrible for him. He said he's lost about 9 pounds in 4 days because of the stress and sadness he's feeling right now. I want so fucking badly to just hug him, you know? Okay, okay, I know I don't have it so bad. Especially in light of what he's been going though. It's pretty terrible that as soon as his music career starts taking off, he loses his grandpa. I feel like I need another little distratcion, aside from my laptop and ipod. I'm thinking of getting a psp. It could be fun, though I'd need a lot of practice. I'm more used to XBOX controls. I guess that's the least of my worries now, though. I have today off so I'm going to finish packing and dye my hair again before leaving. I was also thinking of getting another part time job, as a waitress. It's close, and I could use the money. It would also help me improve my people skills. God, how sad is it that I'm seriously considering working literally every day of the week? Well, I wouldn't be the only one busting their ass to make ends meet, though. I'm lucky in so many ways, to have all the nice shit I do. I wouldn't have that if I didn't work hard, and if my mom hadn't taught me to be very careful with my money. My laptop and ipod were really good deals, which is why I bought them. I need to remember to be grateful for everyone and everything that I have, I need to remember how much I love them and not focus on their less endearing qualities. I hope Jack's going to be all right, I want him to be happy. I guess this has been what's called a rough patch for him, and I hope he'll make it though. I guess that's it for right now. Thanks a lot for reading.

Today's song is "Long forgotten sons" By Rise Against

BYE!!!!

TIRED

HEY!!!!!!

I'm so tired right now, it's been another long day. I went out and bought the magazine that features Jack's band in it today. It's kind of crazy, seeing these guys that I know in a magazine. I mean, I know what they like to eat, drink, watch, wear, you name it. It's got a fairly good picture of the guys goofing off. It definitely shows the kind of people they are. By that, I mean the kind of people who half hang themselves out a car window to wave at me, ask me 8 times to shows, and would actually wear a miniskirt to a show. I know I'm really just talking about Jack and Mike there, but they're the ones that I've gotten to know the best and have the biggest place in my heart. I actually think their drummer Charlie is my third favorite, if only because he's a bit more more mature. He's the oldest though, too, at 24. On another subject, I was talking to Mark a bit ago and he said he feels kind of alienated because he's smarter than his friend Jason, who's a couple of years older than he is. I know a few former neighbor kids he always outsmarted, too, who were also older than he is. I hate that he feels bad just because he's smart, you know? I know exactly how he feels, and it sucks ass. I was in the same stupid fucking boat all through school, and he will be too. This is part of why I'm so glad to be out of high school. I guess that while my work sucks, it still beats the hell out of being in school all over again. I should be a little more grateful. Sarah's been asking again if I'm going to help her with another party she's having after I get home, and I don't know if I can make it. Jack was saying how excited he is to be playing a bunch of shows all in a row, and I thought how much it sucks that I most likely won't be able to be there. I don't want to rain on his parade, I think he needs something good to focus on right now. I just wish I had a lot of time and energy at the end of the day to spend with my family and friends. I have more than enough room for them all in my heart, but fitting them into my schedule is a bitch. Okay, quit whining. I guess that's really it for today. Thanks yet again for reading.

Today's song is "Skylines and turnstiles" by My Chemical Romance

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here to stay ^_^

HEY!!!!

I'm up insanely early on a Sunday morning. Anyway, I have a new and improved computer and am so far loving it. I'm really glad I took Mark's advice and got a new one. I was talking to Sarah last night, and she asked if I'd help her host/model at this party she's having in about a week and a half, and guess what I had to say. Yeah, I'm going to disappoint her, too. I feel terrible. I found it hilarious that she wants me to model, though. It's weird to think that she'd ask me. I hate to do this to her, I don't feel like a very good friend right now. She and I have become almost best friends, and I'm going to leave her hanging. I really hope she won't get made at me. Hell, she and I might as well be best friends if I'm truly allowed more than one. I'm going to miss her when I go to visit Cory. She's also the only one of my friends I've told so far that I'm leaving. I still want Jack to ask me to his band's next show, just to know for my vanity's sake that he still wants me around. I'm going to miss my other friends, though, too. Maybe part of my problem is that I suck ass at communicating with others. But I REALLY don't want to lose my friendships with Jack or Sarah. I'm hoping like crazy that won't happen. I guess that's it for right now. Thanks again for reading.

Today's song is "Akatsuki" by Dir en grey

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Taffy girl

HEY!!!!!!!!!

I'm starting to feel a little stressed again. Mark and mom are asking me to come with them when they go visit Cory and drive his car down to him. I basically have no choice, they totally guilted me into it. What really sucks ass here is that Jack's band is having another show on the 21st near by, and I won't fucking be here. This sucks!!!!I don't know for sure that he'll ask me to go, but he definitely might. Then, I will disappoint him again. On top of that, dad wants me to come visit him on the way down to see Cory. This is horrible, I know there's no way in hell I can do all this and keep Jack and my family happy. I really don't want to disappoint anyone, but obviously I'm going to have to. I can't sacrifice my job, or my family, so I'm (again) sacrificing my friendship with Jack. I haven't told them how important he is to me, because he and my family exist in different worlds, and it's tough keeping my feet in both worlds at once. I'm listening to them again, just to hear his voice. Maybe I'm stretching myself too thin, trying to be all this shit at once. I feel like taffy, being pulled and pulled in all directions. I woke up early again this morning, the moon was still out, and it was so beautiful. That was the one bit of peace I've had all day. I'm kind of dying to talk to Sarah and Rachel again, I need to vent a bit and actually get some feedback. Rachel and Cassie were being so cute and funny yesterday, I got mistaken for a high school girl again, since I made the mistake of going to eat lunch at the same time and place as a bunch of high school kids. They were joking along with me about that, and it made me feel better about it. I love them for that, believe me. That's exactly why we need other people, right? ^_~ Another little complication is that Mark wants me to go to a movie with him this weekend, and I don't know if I can say no to him. He also wants me to help him pick out some new clothes before we leave to go visit Cory. I have to work this Saturday, so that's no good. Poor kid, I know he doesn't have a lot of friends, so I can't tell him no. But it pisses me off that again I'm going to sacrifice time I could be spending with Jack. I don't want Jack to be mad at me or disappointed in me. God, what do I do? He probably already thinks I'm a total flake for being a no show at almost every show he's invited me to. I'm not done packing yet for our little trip, and we're leaving in 9 days. I know I'm really a lucky girl to have a group of people who want me around. But, why always all at once? That places a bit of an unfair strain on me, don't you think? Why does it always have to be Jack or my family? Or my job or Jack? Am I insane to think I deserve all of this at once without having to sacrifice anything? I know this is the same crisis of conscience that I was having in September when Jack wanted me at his show and Cassie wanted mom and I to visit her on the same day. Honestly, until I heard about what happened with Frank, that was one of the best days of my life. God damn it!!!!! I hate this, I wish there were some way to do all this at once. I feel sick, I think I'm actually worrying myself sick over this. Maybe I just don't have the time management skills needed to live like this, you know? Sadly, that does nothing to stop me from wanting all of this. How do other people do this and make it look so easy? I just hate that I'm sitting bitching, but not really doing anything to solve this problem. I don't relish looking Jack in the eye and telling him I'm bailing on him yet again, either. I'm curious in a way to see if he'd really be disappointed If I'm not going to his show, but I don't want to see the look of disappointment on his pretty face if I do end up disappointing him again. Okay, I need to relax a bit. I'm thinking of his smile, God it's beautiful. I want to see that again, believe me. I also can't believe he was the first (and so far only) guy to tell me he was thinking about me. You have no idea what that did to me, I couldn't stop smiling all day after he said that. It's going to suck so badly, he's going to be gone most of this month, April, and May on tour. I really hope he won't just forget I exist and not talk to me. I know it might not have meant much to him when he said he'd been thinking about me, but it meant a hell of a lot to me. I hope he'll miss me. I guess that's really it for right now. Thanks SO much for reading.

Today's song is "Darling, I want to destroy you" by AFI

BYE!!!!!!!!

TIRED

HEY!!!!!!

Today and yesterday have been kind of long, but I'm not complaining per se. I still wish Jack would write to me, but I guess I should let him come to me for once. It's stupid of me to keep chasing him, especially if he doesn't want to be chased. I'd damn well better hear from him on tour, and he better take care of himself. Other than that, I don't think I can ask more of him. I am going to miss the living hell out of him, though. If it were me, I'd be happy knowing someone else cared that much about me, but I could understand if he thinks it's a little weird. I know I probably come on a little strong, but I love him. I can't help it. I'm seriously hoping he'll ask me to another show soon, and that I can make it for once this time. I hate to disappoint him a 9th time, you know? That is assuming, he was disappointed. I guess that's really all there is today. Thank you SO much for reading, and I'll do my best to get back here again soon.

Today's song is "Welcome home (sanitarium)" by Metallica. I'm wearing the Metallica shirt today. ^_~

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!