Well, here I am again. I had sort of a bad day Saturday. I was trying to figure out which clothes I should take with me on our trip, and I started focusing entirly too much on the fact that my sister is a size 0/1 and I'm a size 7/8. She's a few inches taller than I am, so that doesn't really help. I just started beating myself up and wanting so badly to cry, I felt so terrible about myself. The really stupid part here though is that I'm not even fat, my sister is actually underweight for her height. I just get so sick of being told that because I'm not rail thin, I'm somehow less than she is. I did feel somewhat better this morning though, after putting on my make-up and doing my hair. I know that I have a lot of good qualities, and that I'm a better/ stronger person because I haven't had everything handed to me because of my looks like she has. I actually know how to do things, you know? She can't even crack an egg herself, and has trouble making mac and cheese properly, so that should tell you how much she's had to do for herself. Okay, okay, enough ragging on her, I DO still love her. Not to mention, I've often been the one doing things for her, so it's partly my fault that she's not the most self sufficent person in the world. >_> I actually feel pretty happy right now, I got to see this guy I've been crushing on for a little while now. He works in this store I go to almost every day, and I hadn't seen him there in a while. I was thinking that maybe he'd quit or been fired or something, but no. I was SO happy I happened to be in the right place at the right time for once, and that at least this time I had the guts to smile at him. He looks something like Jade from AFI actually, only without the blond streaks in his hair. so something like the picture I posted up there. Yeah, I have kind of a crush on Jade too, in case that wasn't totally obvious. My sister thinks I'm a total freak for liking guys like that, but it took at least 20 minutes for my heart to finally slow to it's normal pace again after talking to that guy this morning. I of course have no idea what was going through the guy's head as I stood there blathering on this morning, but I'm praying like mad that it was something good. I'm kind of gun shy though when it comes to guys anymore, I've had a few bad experiences too many with asshole guys. The worst was probably the one I actually made my boyfriend though, I think my judgement is just really off in some cases. It seems like I just habitually go for the wrong guys, and I can't stop myself. My older brother's best friend and a really good former friend of mine complete the huge mistake trio of guys I shouldn't have fallen for, but totally did. My brother's best friend was actaully the first boy I ever had feelings for, and I still regret every second I spent trying to get him to return my feelings, because I should have known he never would. The only really good thing I got out of following him around like a puppy was that he introduced me to Alice in Chains, which I guess I AM grateful for because they were awesome and their music cheers me up when I'm down. My former friend is still a little painful to talk about, because I'm pretty sure I was actaully in love with him, to the point where I would have married him in a heartbeat if he'd asked. I fell for him in days it seemed, he was so smart, sweet, funny, and different from so many people in our school, plus we had a lot in common. He made me feel comfortable around him, and he'd do stuff like hold doors for me, and carry things for me even though he knew I didn't really need him to. He was gorgeous to boot, so of course it boggled my mind that he even knew who I was. It hurt all the more that he so flat out rejected me when I finally got up the guts to tell him how I felt, even though he'd probably already known for a long time. I still think sometimes that if I were prettier, he wouldn't have rejected me, and then I wonder why that should matter, and then I start to wonder if I'll find a guy like that who DOES love me. That kind of brings me back to what I started with, just never feeling good enough, despite the fact that I'm a fairly decent looking girl, and smart and honest, too. I just hate to think that my appearance is the only thing that I'll ever be judged on, and that I'll be found wanting forever by many in that case. I guess that's it for today, thanks for reading, if anyone is. I'll be back later.
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