The closer the time comes for us to leave, the more my imagination runs wild with all the potetntial problems we could face, and I hate that. It's not like my sister often asks me to do things with her, you know? If I ruin the first really big thing I'm supposed to do with her, what will she think of me? I know I shouldn't care what anyone else thinks of me really, and for the most part, I don't, but this is my sister, it's a lot more difficult and complicated when it comes to family. Damnit, I wish she didn't know that I actually want her to love me and think well of me. I wish too that she could be a little more helpful in planning this, but she knows that she basically sucks at that, too, so she lets me do it all. Plus, I simply don't think she wants to. I need to stop thinking about all this crap, and try to actually figure out more about what I can do right now to make sure that there are no screw ups later. I think the best thing to do at this point would be to talk to the travel agent who booked the flight in the first place. I kind of wonder what my mom thought when she came here on her own at 19. Was she scared? Was she nervous, or excited? I don't think I'd have the guts for that, but I'd like to know how she handled it. At least her English was better than my Japanese when she came here. I'm totally starting to think the Japan Rail Pass is a good idea, considering going from Tokyo to Nagasaki once would cost about half the price of the whole Rail Pass. I'll need to talk to the travel agent about that for sure. Then, of course I'll have to let my beloved little sister in on it. I'll have to wait until she's done with class, so maybe I should wait a few more hours. We would get to see quite a bit of Japan on the train, too. We tried that in Europe too, we went from Genoa in Italy to Vienna, Austira where my aunt and cousin picked us up. Okay, that makes me feel a little better, to have at least a bit of a plan. Sometimes plans can be crazy comforting. I like to have a bit of certainty, in matters like these, anyway. Okay, enough trip planning stuff for now, I need to calm down. Goddamnit, I wish she didn't know I could do this, it makes it all the more difficult to refuse her because she's my sister and I love her. That's just more complaining, sorry. I had a great day on my birthday, 13 days ago. My whole family and 2 of my best friends called, wrote, and gave me hugs and presents. I wish EVERY day could be that great, but then I know that's not real life. I just need to be reassured sometimes that they love me, and I was then. I have a pretty awesome family in a lot of ways, it's just with the sheer size of it and the 6 strong personalities that make up my family, there are bound to be some problems. There's also the fact that we're all drastically different people, I can probably think of 5 things that we all like. Not much common ground, right? We've made it work so far though, right? I kind of wonder though if they secretly want to see just how much I can handle before I crack, and if they're wondering if/when it'll happen. I'm actually crazy tough and strong on a physical level, for my height, size, and gender. I'm a bit more of a wuss on an emotional level, and that's how they get me. I didn't used to be so easy to get to emotionally, high school kind of wrecked that. I'm still sort of getting my self confidence back, and I graduated 6years ago. I was a friggin' fearless little girl, and I want that back. I hate always being nervous and unsure. It's just this self doubt that didn't used to be there, I remember standing up to this 6th grader who made my life hell when I was in 1st grade, and not being afraid at all. I want to be that girl again, because I got him to leave me alone totally on my own. Not to mention, I'm going to need all the self confidence I can get for whatever else happens. I've hardly ever really had to fight physically, but it's not that I can't. I usually look "scarry" enough that people don't even get too close. I guess that's all for now, I need to study some more. BYE!!!!!!!
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