More prattle about whatever pops into my head

Okay, here I am again. I've spent a good part of the day trying to get all this crap in order before we go, so that we don't really have so much to worry about once we're there. I'm not scared so much now as I am frustrated. I'm pretty sure that NOW I finally know what's going on. I pray I do, anyway. My mom told me pretty much the same thing that I said yesterday, about not letting my nerves and fears get in the way of all the fun I'll be having. I know deep down that that's right, and I'm trying REALLY hard to put it into practice for myself. I just really want this to go right. I never fully realized how much goes into planning a trip, because I'd never done it. >_> This is one hell of a learning experience, let me tell you. ^_^ I guess I should be grateful that I'm figuring all this out beforehand, so then there should be a minimum of surprises. Well, hopefully none. No bad ones, anyway. ^_^ My sister said that she's kind of stressed out by it too, and I understand, but I think I've got it handled (more or less) now. I think once we've got the hotel reservations all worked out, we'll be much better off. Again, listening to music helps me stay calm. You'll never guess what I'm listening to now. ^_^ I'm going through different albums and stuff, but usually always the same bands; AFI, My Chemical Romance, Stone Sour, Slipknot, Metallica, The Cure, and Rise Against. I have the most songs on my i pod from those 7 bands, but almost a tenth of the stuff there is AFI. What can I say? It's all just so good. I think it's healthy to have a certain amount of stuff that you can always go to, though, stuff that you KNOW you love. I have TV shows and movies like that, too. The Simpsons is always good, as are Charmed, The X-Files, and Supernatural. I was practically raised on The Simpsons, my whole family can quote huge parts of most of the episodes, but my mom hates it. We'll do it sometimes, just to bug her. I find it kind of comforting to have a bunch of favorite stuff that I can always go back to if I shouldn't find anything newer that's any good. I've got books and manga like that too, actually. I guess everyone does, right? I'm going to talk more to my sister about this, and hopefully we can finally get all of this in order and I'll sleep a lot better once we do. I need to keep telling myself to relax, after all this is going to be A LOT of fun. It would be just like me to ruin something that I've wanted for so long by freaking out needlessly, and I WON'T do it this time. Again, I wish I were calmer naturally. Although, this nervous energy has its uses, I don't need quite so much. This should really be the last time I bring that up, it's not helping any if I just keep going over it. I'm listening to "Sulfur" by Slipknot now, I've had my AFI fix for the day. You know how I said Corey had a great face? Here's what I mean. that would be him at the bottom. I was kind of shocked the first time I saw his face, I knew what the mask he wore looked like, but had no clue he was cute. I kind of like the longer hair too, it's perfect. When I started talking to my sister about Slipknot, the first and only question she asked was "Are they hot?" I showed her that picture, and she disagreed. I kind of like it that way, though. Really, what was I thinking talking to her about them, and him, though? Oh well, it doesn't matter now. I guess that's all for now. BYE!!!!!!!!!!

Exactly 3 weeks until I'm in Japan!!!!!!

Wow, time seems to be going by so fast now. I can't believe it's really that close to time to leave. I'm still a little scared, but the excitement seems to grow as fast as the fear. I have lost a little sleep about some things that could potentially go wrong, but I keep trying to make myself believe that nothing will. I hate feeling like everything is going to go wrong, because it kind of ruins the whole thing before I even get there if I'm expecting disaster. I seriously have a problem that way though, I ALWAYS do it. I'd hate to ruin something that I've waited almost half my life for by worrying so much that I don't have any fun. Okay, I have a pretty good idea of what I'm doing, so maybe I should just relax and give in to the excitement. I wish I weren't an "A" type personality, I'm just always nervous and edgy. I'm listening to AFI again, and my God, these guys are amazing. I'm SO glad I didn't have much to do besides listen to the radio and read a few years ago, and that there was a radio station here that still played anything worth listening to, and that I happened to catch AFI on the radio. I had no idea at first who they were, what their names were, what they looked like, but I was in love with the music after less than a minute. That's all it took. That's actually how it happened with Slipknot too, ironically. I recognized Corey's voice from listening to Stone Sour while listening to the radio late one night when I couldn't sleep. I kind of grinned when I heard that, because I only really knew their reputation at that point, but again, after a matter of seconds I was hooked. For once insomnia was a good thing, probably the only time. I miss that radio station, I first heard 2 of my all time favorite bands on there and it doesn't exist any more. Oh, well, I guess. I've got the CDs. I'm kind of pathetic, I don't think I've gone an entire day without listening to them at least once since I got the CDs. So, in other words, for years I've heard the same songs over and over. It's all just very calming and soothing to me, it helps me keep from totally flipping out. It was Corey and Davey's voices though, that really got my attention, still some of the most beautiful things in the world. It was kind of strange though, to find out that there were faces just as beautiful behind those voices, Corey's got a great face. I love his laugh, too. I've gotten almost every one of my family members to like a little AFI, with the exception of my older brother, but he's as big a Slipknot fan as I am now, so I guess I can call that even. I don't care that I can't bring my hair straightner, cell, or laptop with me to Japan, but God am I going to miss my i pod. I don't know if it's really possible to be dependent on music like I am on caffine, but I'm starting to think that it is. Like I said, it's just calming, and some of it is truly beautiful, it's not all just about screaming and playing as loud and fast as possible. I guess that's all for now. BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

More Japan prattle

Okay, you might be getting tired of this trip talk, but I like to have stuff planned out and this is actually pretty helpful. I've decided we're going to Osaka Castle and Osaka Aquarium when we get there. To the right are pictures of those places. Totally beautiful and awesome, but also about $20 total to get into. I think it'll be really fun, and the aquarium is HUGE. It's too bad the cherry blossoms won't be blooming anymore once we get there, but that doesn't matter so much.

In Tokyo, we're going to Senso-ji and Tokyo Tower. Being huge fans of the Super Gals anime, I think we should go to Shibuya and just sort of wander around for a bit. The Shibuyua 109 building and Hachiko statue are there, and I want to see them. More pictures.^_^

I also wanted to eat at this place in Shibuya, so I think that's what we'll do. The first day we get there, after checking into the hotel and all that, I want to just walk down the the street and see what I find. I wonder if my sister will make the connection that some of the places in the animes that we watch are real without my telling her. Not that she's dumb or anything, she just doesn't always put 2 and 2 together like she should. I wanted to find a good sento to go to, also. This one looks pretty awesome, and not too expensive.

I also wanted to go on the Sumida river cruise. That's the boat, designed by manga artist Leiji Matsumoto.

The good thing about the sento we're going to is that it's not too far from Senso-ji, so we can make a day trip of it.

In Kyoto, we're to Chion-in, Ginkaku-ji, the Kyoto craft center, Hirano Jinja, and the bamboo forest. I think we might sort of haunt Gion too, hopefully spotting some Geisha. In Naha, I think we're just going to hang out on the beach. It's supposed to be a vacation, right? I think going to Naha will probably be the most (and maybe only) relaxing part of this trip. I think Tokyo will be crazy, but in a really good and fun way. Maybe if we can find another really good sento in Naha, we'll just hang out there for a day. It does sort of strike me as funny that someone like me, who is really uncomfortable around others, can't wait to go to the biggest city in the world. I'm pretty sure I've done my homework on this though, and will be fine assuming I don't decide to have my first full on panic attack on the subway or something. And while we're in Osaka, I'll be thinking of Ayumu "Osaka" Kasuga from Azumanga Daioh. That girl cracks me up. She's the crazy looking girl at the top of this post. When I told my older brother about this trip, he couldn't stop making anime and Japanese pop culture references. Have I mentioned my brother is awesome? ^_^ He had me laughing so hard with some of the stuff he said, I'll miss him when I'm in Japan. He's as big an anime/manga geek as I am, and sort of got me started on the whole thing, so in a way, I have him to thank for my interest in Japan, too. I'm still sort of vacillating between being excited and scared about this trip, though. I like to think it's really just my nerves getting the best of me, but I can't be sure. I guess that's really all for now. I'll be back asap. BYE!!!!!!!

Posting on a hot day

As usual around here, it's gone from being almost freezing cold to being scorching hot in about a week. I hate this, I'm already sunburned on almost every spot I've left exposed to the sun, and it hurts. I was out walking a lot for exercise today and yesterday, I walked about 6 hours all together and am freaking beet red. It's not that I didn't put sunscreen on either, it just never seems to be enough. What's really embarrassing is that I was walking with my best friend and her little girl yesterday, and the baby didn't get burned. It's times like this I wish I weren't so pale, but what can I do about it? I've tried tanning, and that's something that'll never work for me. I'm like my dad again that way, my mom tans pretty nicely and he just thinks about the sun and burns. Okay, I'm still trying to figure stuff out about our trip. Can you believe I'll be in Japan in a month? I've already figured out some pretty awesome and fairly cheap stuff to do in Tokyo. I need to figure out more to do in Osaka, Kyoto, and Naha, though. I'm very excited about it, but I hate that I'm figuring everything out on my own, and my sister isn't helping anything at all. Like I said, I wish she didn't know I could do this. I shouldn't be complaining, it just bugs me that she always does stuff like this to me. I guess this is what I get for being the responsible big sister, right? We should really try to work through this, and I think we will, it'll be a few years before she's going to understand me any better. I just hate that I have trouble understanding my only sister. I've been trying to figure out stuff that both of us will enjoy and we can agree on. Thankfully she wants to see temples and go to sento and stuff like that, too. I'm glad that we can at least agree on that. I wonder if she's impressed at all that I am capable of doing something like this, I'm almost certain that she laughs at me behind my back and secretly thinks I'm an idiot. Okay, I have to stop whining about her. I'm adding some pictures of places that we're going, it kind of makes me more excited to be able to see these places before we get there. The pictures are of Kyoto, Osaka, and Naha respectively. I think this'll be fun. ^_^ I'd like to talk about my best friend now, though, since I mentioned her before. She and I actually have the same first name, and are a lot alike as people, too. I hate to admit this, but she's almost been more like a sister to me than MY sister. She and another friend of mine are basically the most awesome, funniest, and coolest girls I know. We've known each other for about 10 years, and have been best friends for almost as long. She, that other friend, and I are still very damn close, and I love that. It's nice to know that not all friendships you have in high school fall apart. Plus, they were some of the only girls in that school who were into anything that I was. It's kind of funny that we don't really act differently than we did in high school, even though we're all adults now. We can still be seen and heard walking and laughing together a lot, and it makes me really happy. She was one of the first to send me a happy birthday text on my birthday, BEFORE my sister. I just love that there are people like her, it gives me a little more faith in humanity, and a lot of happiness. I'm actually kind of jealous of her in a way though, she's got the whole domestic bliss thing going on, and I have my family and friends, but that's all. I'm totally not the easiest person to get to know though, and I'm kind of picky and shy when it comes to guys, so that's probably why. Plus, apparently I'm scarry. One of the guys my older brother used to work with and I went to school with actually said that. >_> That's probably only because I was sort of mean to the guy, because he was a total asshole to me in school. It was sort of funny, though, me scarring him. ^_^ I guess that's all for now BYE!!!!!!!!

1 month, 1 day 'til I'm in Japan!!!!

I talked to my grandma yesterday about this trip, and she was really supportive. She was sort of hoping we would come to see her I think, but totally didn't let on. She's normally awesome, so I was hoping she would be happy for us and supportive of us. She and I have something of a special bond, because I'm her first granddaughter, and when I'm there I spend a lot of time with her. I'm also the only of her granddaughters living in the U.S. who speaks German, and I think she really likes that because her English isn't what she'd like it to be. Maybe she wouldn't understand my sister so well, even if she COULD speak German. I was talking to a friend of mine this morning and she said I was really brave to do something like this, and that she didn't think I seemed scared at all. Fooled her ass, didn't I? ^_~ That did make me feel a little better though, and I'm grateful to her for that. Okay, I think I've finally got everything figured out, so now all there is to do is to get our stuff together, get our Japan Rail passes, then go. It's hard to believe I've finally gotten it all together. Supposedly, the trip preparations are the hardest part, right? I guess now the worst is behind me (I hope). I've been listening to music from almost the second I woke up this morning, I thought I'd make a quick list of what I've been listening to:
AFI- "Prelude 12/21" I wake up to this song, it's a very close second to "Bother." It would be my favorite song if it weren't for "Bother."
AFI- "Just like Heaven" and "Jack the Ripper." These are both covers I found on youtube, but OH MY GOD, they seem like they can do almost anything. I'm listening to "Jack the Ripper" right now, and will probably have it stuck in my head until I go to sleep.
AFI- "Miss Murder"
AFI- "Miseria Cantare"
Social Distortion- "Mommy's little monster"
Slipknot- "Psychosocial", "Gehenna", "Pulse of the maggots", "The heratic anthem", "Sulfur" "People = shit" I love that Corey actually gets to show off his voice a little on the newer stuff, he's got a great one.
The Cure- "Just like Heaven", "Friday, I'm in love"
Green Day- "Minority", "Nice guys finish last"
Nirvana - " In bloom", "Smells like teen spirit" - Can't go without that song. ^_^
Metallica- "One", No leaf clover", "King nothing", "Master of puppets", "Cyanide"
Siouxsie and the Banshees- "Candyman", "Arabian knights"
Flyleaf- "Fully alive"
Rise Against- "Swing life away", "The prayer of the refugee", "The good left undone",
Nine Inch Nails- "Head like a hole", "The hand that feeds" SO good.
Blaqk Audio- "The love letter" ^_^ ^_^
Depeche Mode- "Precious", "People are people"
Marylin Manson- "Personal Jesus" "The beautiful people"
My Chemical Romance- "Mama", "Teenagers", "Blood"
Stone Sour- "Bother", "Orchids"
Alice in chains- "Man in the box", "Angry Chair"
I think that's about it, so far. This stuff has amazing cathartic value in my opinion, it really helps me relax and it sort of helps with venting anger and frustration in a nonviolent way. Some of it is also quite funny in a way, the 3 My Chem songs I listened to in particular have a great black humor about them. There's a lot of beauty to it, though, too. Stuff like "Prelude 12/21", "Swing life away", "Bother" "The love letter", and "Snuff" by Slipknot is amazingly beautiful to me. I have to say that Davey is really good at writing stuff like that, sort of poetic, romantic, and moving. I think I read somewhere that he was an Englisg major in college, it shows. A lot of his lyrics would probably quailify very easily as poetry without even trying. I love to read and write myself, so I can appreciate the beauty of a lot of what he says. i guess that's all. BYE!!!!

1 month, 3 days until I'm in Japan!!!!

The closer the time comes for us to leave, the more my imagination runs wild with all the potetntial problems we could face, and I hate that. It's not like my sister often asks me to do things with her, you know? If I ruin the first really big thing I'm supposed to do with her, what will she think of me? I know I shouldn't care what anyone else thinks of me really, and for the most part, I don't, but this is my sister, it's a lot more difficult and complicated when it comes to family. Damnit, I wish she didn't know that I actually want her to love me and think well of me. I wish too that she could be a little more helpful in planning this, but she knows that she basically sucks at that, too, so she lets me do it all. Plus, I simply don't think she wants to. I need to stop thinking about all this crap, and try to actually figure out more about what I can do right now to make sure that there are no screw ups later. I think the best thing to do at this point would be to talk to the travel agent who booked the flight in the first place. I kind of wonder what my mom thought when she came here on her own at 19. Was she scared? Was she nervous, or excited? I don't think I'd have the guts for that, but I'd like to know how she handled it. At least her English was better than my Japanese when she came here. I'm totally starting to think the Japan Rail Pass is a good idea, considering going from Tokyo to Nagasaki once would cost about half the price of the whole Rail Pass. I'll need to talk to the travel agent about that for sure. Then, of course I'll have to let my beloved little sister in on it. I'll have to wait until she's done with class, so maybe I should wait a few more hours. We would get to see quite a bit of Japan on the train, too. We tried that in Europe too, we went from Genoa in Italy to Vienna, Austira where my aunt and cousin picked us up. Okay, that makes me feel a little better, to have at least a bit of a plan. Sometimes plans can be crazy comforting. I like to have a bit of certainty, in matters like these, anyway. Okay, enough trip planning stuff for now, I need to calm down. Goddamnit, I wish she didn't know I could do this, it makes it all the more difficult to refuse her because she's my sister and I love her. That's just more complaining, sorry. I had a great day on my birthday, 13 days ago. My whole family and 2 of my best friends called, wrote, and gave me hugs and presents. I wish EVERY day could be that great, but then I know that's not real life. I just need to be reassured sometimes that they love me, and I was then. I have a pretty awesome family in a lot of ways, it's just with the sheer size of it and the 6 strong personalities that make up my family, there are bound to be some problems. There's also the fact that we're all drastically different people, I can probably think of 5 things that we all like. Not much common ground, right? We've made it work so far though, right? I kind of wonder though if they secretly want to see just how much I can handle before I crack, and if they're wondering if/when it'll happen. I'm actually crazy tough and strong on a physical level, for my height, size, and gender. I'm a bit more of a wuss on an emotional level, and that's how they get me. I didn't used to be so easy to get to emotionally, high school kind of wrecked that. I'm still sort of getting my self confidence back, and I graduated 6years ago. I was a friggin' fearless little girl, and I want that back. I hate always being nervous and unsure. It's just this self doubt that didn't used to be there, I remember standing up to this 6th grader who made my life hell when I was in 1st grade, and not being afraid at all. I want to be that girl again, because I got him to leave me alone totally on my own. Not to mention, I'm going to need all the self confidence I can get for whatever else happens. I've hardly ever really had to fight physically, but it's not that I can't. I usually look "scarry" enough that people don't even get too close. I guess that's all for now, I need to study some more. BYE!!!!!!!

1 month, 4 days 'til I'm in Japan!!!!

I'm kind of nervous about this trip deep down, I've never planned a vacation before, let alone one to the other side of the world, and I'm freaking out a little. I just keep thinking of all the things that could go wrong, or all the things I could screw up. I wouldn't care so much if it were just me, honestly, but I don't want to screw up my sister's vacation, either. Oh, I can imagine a lot of great things, too, don't get me wrong, but it really scares me to think of something going wrong when we're both so far from home and hardly fluent in the language. That's just me being myself, though, I think. I tend to focus WAY too much on the negative things, and have too little faith in the positive. I swear I'm trying to work on that, but it's so hard to change this part of my personality anymore. I don't want to be a negative person, but I don't think this is negativity so much as realism, a lot of things really COULD go wrong. I can see us hanging out together, having fun in a little sushi place or something. I can see us walking around Ueno park or something like that, and I keep praying that the whole trip plays out like that, well. I also promised my best friend a post card from Japan, and my brothers a few small souvenirs, and I want to bring back A LOT of really great memories and pictures for myself. Okay, okay, enough with that. I bought a really awesome pair of black ballet flats to wear on the trip, because I don't think my black leather boots would be a very good idea, or very comfortable since we'll probably be on our feet for hours at a time. I've also condescended to bring my 2 dresses with me, in case we should happen to go somewhere I'll need to wear a dress. I have to say, being without my black jeans, band shirts, corsets, and black leather boots for that long will be a pretty huge adjustment, and not necessarily one I'll enjoy making. In a way, though, I guess it's a good thing that I'll be forced to step a bit outside my style comfort zone for a while. The dresses I'll be wearing will be black, but they're still dresses. I guess as long as I'm comfortable and everything, it really shouldn't matter what I'm wearing. I'll keep telling myself that. >_> Honestly, as long as everything works out, I don't care about much else. I'm also thinking of moving a little after I get back, a bit down the street from my best friend's appartment. I'm already coming up with all these ideas about what I'll do to the new place and how awesome it'll look, and I'm not even there yet. It does give me something pleasant and fun to look forward to, though. As if the whole Japan thing weren't enough, right? My sister REALLY wants to go to Okinawa, for obvious reasons. Just look at that picture. The one bad thing is, I can already practially feel myself getting a sunburn, and I hate that. I guess that's all for today. BYE!!!!!!

1 month, 10 days until I'm in Japan!!!!!!

This is in Kyoto, another place my sister and I will be seeing all too soon. I can't believe that I'm really doing this, it almost seems too good to be true. I mean, look at how beautiful this place is. Even all the crowds of people don't spoil this for me, and I'm the kind of person

who freaks if there are too many other people on the bus or in the grocery store or something. This place just seems to have a natural calm, and I want that to rub off on me if at all possible. I do worry a bit about how I'll react to Tokyo, especially at first, and more so because my sister needs me to not freak out the first time we walk out onto the street. I hate that she's relying on me so much, but after almost 19 years of that, I should either be used to it or have broken her of that habit. I kind of think my whole family's come to rely on me a little too much, a day doesn't go by where I'm not needed to go somewhere with or do something for one of them, and it gets so exhausting after a while. Damn the fact that I'm capable!!!!! ^_~ I am serious about that though, I've rather become the family errand girl, and I hate that. I guess I should be glad that I'm good to have around and good company, but at the same time I'm dying for a bit more free time. For the longest time, I've been almost like my friends' counsler too, which can also be pretty terrible. I'm not saying I don't like that people need and trust me, often that makes me feel good, but I need a break from it too, much more often than I get. If I didn't love them all as much as I do, I wouldn't put up with it, trust me. Sadly, they could pretty easily use the fact that I love them against me. >_> I should hope that they wouldn't do that, but guess I can't entirly rule out the possibillity. Okay, enough about that. Honestly, it's probably my own fault for letting them put on this on me, if only because I'm probably the only one who'll listen. My aunt in Austria just found out about our trip, and I think she's really excited for us. I hope so. Normally she's really understanding and supportive, so I didn't expect anything bad from her, and I didn't hear anything bad. I kind of wonder what my grandma and cousins will think though, and what my dad would think if he knew. My grandma will probably think it's good for me to do some more traveling, and my dad would probably think I'm just like my mom, always wanting to go somewhere new. I didn't mention that my parents are divorced, right? I guess it's because I hardly even think about it anymore, and I've gotten so used to living without my dad around that he doesn't factor into most of the choices I make or even my daily thoughts most of the time. It's better for them to be apart, and I think getting married was probably not the best choice for them, anyway.

Here I am again.......

Today's actually been quite a good day so far, though I feel there isn't enough caffeine on this planet anymore to keep me from feeling tired. ^_^ I just downed my 5th cup of coffee, and still feel nothing from it. I have a problem, right? I'm like my dad that way, he can just chug cup after cup and it doesn't seem to bother him. I realize that's not healthy, but I've gotten my body so hooked on it that I get this terrible headache if I don't drink any coffee. It started with my first all nighter for school, I sat there downing cup after cup and trying to stay calm and awake. it makes me really jittery after the 3rd cup usually, you know? I did fine on the test and paper I had to stay up to prepare for, with the help of my coffee and about 20 run throughs of Stone Sour's first album. "Bother" is still my all time favortite song, though AFI are my favorite band. Watch the video, listen to the song. It still takes my breath away, almost 8 years after I first heard it. I'd post a link to it here but I'm not sure how, sorry. They have it on youtube, PLEASE go check it out. I'm a rather huge Slipknot fan, too. It still makes me laugh to think of the time I told my brother that he could borrow my Slipknot CD collection, and he kind of laughed and said "YOU like Slipknot?" I just looked at him and said "Yeah, they're awesome." I don't get why he didn't think his short, cute little sister could like a band like them. It's because of Corey, honestly, I'd listen to him sing almost anything. He has such an awesome voice. He has a pretty awesome sense of humor too, and humor is really important to me. It kind of shocked me that my brother didn't beleive I'd be into something like that when it's pretty much his fault I'm into Metal at all, he'd play a lot of Metallica and stuff while our mom was at work and I just got into it. She wasn't exactly happy that her 11 year old daughter was listening to stuff like this, and still doesn't technically approve. By 7th grade I'd moved onto Alice in Chains and Marilyn Manson and stuff like that. It was funny that I actually found another 8th grade girl who liked MM, and it made me really happy. Naturally, that kind of stuff didn't endear me to most of the people at school, but what could I do? It was already a pretty huge part of who I was, and still am. For our final in choir we all had to sing something individually and as a group, and the girls chose to sing a Spice Girls song, I wanted nothing more than to sing the Linkin Park song the guys had chosen. That wasn't the first time I cursed the fact that these kinds of songs DO NOT sound right being sung in a high pitched, quiet voice like mine, trust me. I'd better go, I think I've rambled on enough. Thanks for reading.

I've got more to say

This is Senso-ji in Tokyo, where my sister and I will be before too long. I really think it's one of the most awesome and beautiful places in Tokyo, plus getting in will be cheap. ^_^ I'm very glad that my sister actually wants to see this kind of stuff too, and isn't there to be hanging out in clubs or something like that. Although, what's the point of going to another country just to go get drunk or something else stupid like that anyway? She knows me well enough to know that this isn't what I've waited 12 years to do , and she's smart enough to know that there is so much more than that, which I'm incredibly grateful for. I will give her credit where it's due, and she does deserve it there. However, it does still bother me when she makes stupid, cruel, or immature jokes. I worry sometimes that we won't be able to get along for 2 full weeks if we only have each other to talk to. We used to be at each others' thraots almost daily, usually without real reason, and I don't want us reverting to that. Most of the time anymore, what she picks on me for is my taste in music, clothes, or men, Davey being her favorite victim. The guy up there is Davey, in case you needed clairification. Personally, I think he's awesome and gorgeous, but he's probably not someone people always know how to react to. My reaction isn't everyone elses', sadly. My brothers love taking digs at him too, if only because they always get a rise out of me. My mom's at least nice enough to keep her opinion of him to herself, though I can guess what it is. >_> I at least like that she can appreciate his singing ability. I really better be going, I have more stuff to do if I'm ever really going to be ready for this trip. I hope it goes well and my sister and I will closer because of it. Thanks for reading, I'll be back asap.

Posting on a rainy day

Well, here I am again. I had sort of a bad day Saturday. I was trying to figure out which clothes I should take with me on our trip, and I started focusing entirly too much on the fact that my sister is a size 0/1 and I'm a size 7/8. She's a few inches taller than I am, so that doesn't really help. I just started beating myself up and wanting so badly to cry, I felt so terrible about myself. The really stupid part here though is that I'm not even fat, my sister is actually underweight for her height. I just get so sick of being told that because I'm not rail thin, I'm somehow less than she is. I did feel somewhat better this morning though, after putting on my make-up and doing my hair. I know that I have a lot of good qualities, and that I'm a better/ stronger person because I haven't had everything handed to me because of my looks like she has. I actually know how to do things, you know? She can't even crack an egg herself, and has trouble making mac and cheese properly, so that should tell you how much she's had to do for herself. Okay, okay, enough ragging on her, I DO still love her. Not to mention, I've often been the one doing things for her, so it's partly my fault that she's not the most self sufficent person in the world. >_> I actually feel pretty happy right now, I got to see this guy I've been crushing on for a little while now. He works in this store I go to almost every day, and I hadn't seen him there in a while. I was thinking that maybe he'd quit or been fired or something, but no. I was SO happy I happened to be in the right place at the right time for once, and that at least this time I had the guts to smile at him. He looks something like Jade from AFI actually, only without the blond streaks in his hair. so something like the picture I posted up there. Yeah, I have kind of a crush on Jade too, in case that wasn't totally obvious. My sister thinks I'm a total freak for liking guys like that, but it took at least 20 minutes for my heart to finally slow to it's normal pace again after talking to that guy this morning. I of course have no idea what was going through the guy's head as I stood there blathering on this morning, but I'm praying like mad that it was something good. I'm kind of gun shy though when it comes to guys anymore, I've had a few bad experiences too many with asshole guys. The worst was probably the one I actually made my boyfriend though, I think my judgement is just really off in some cases. It seems like I just habitually go for the wrong guys, and I can't stop myself. My older brother's best friend and a really good former friend of mine complete the huge mistake trio of guys I shouldn't have fallen for, but totally did. My brother's best friend was actaully the first boy I ever had feelings for, and I still regret every second I spent trying to get him to return my feelings, because I should have known he never would. The only really good thing I got out of following him around like a puppy was that he introduced me to Alice in Chains, which I guess I AM grateful for because they were awesome and their music cheers me up when I'm down. My former friend is still a little painful to talk about, because I'm pretty sure I was actaully in love with him, to the point where I would have married him in a heartbeat if he'd asked. I fell for him in days it seemed, he was so smart, sweet, funny, and different from so many people in our school, plus we had a lot in common. He made me feel comfortable around him, and he'd do stuff like hold doors for me, and carry things for me even though he knew I didn't really need him to. He was gorgeous to boot, so of course it boggled my mind that he even knew who I was. It hurt all the more that he so flat out rejected me when I finally got up the guts to tell him how I felt, even though he'd probably already known for a long time. I still think sometimes that if I were prettier, he wouldn't have rejected me, and then I wonder why that should matter, and then I start to wonder if I'll find a guy like that who DOES love me. That kind of brings me back to what I started with, just never feeling good enough, despite the fact that I'm a fairly decent looking girl, and smart and honest, too. I just hate to think that my appearance is the only thing that I'll ever be judged on, and that I'll be found wanting forever by many in that case. I guess that's it for today, thanks for reading, if anyone is. I'll be back later.

My first post!!!!!

Hey, here's my first post. I'm hoping this turms out well and I can actually keep up with it. I'll probably be writing about all kinds of random crap, but I hope to keep it interesting that way, if only for myself. I guess I'll get into a little bit about myself to start, my favorite band at the moment is AFI. I'm a bit oppsessive when I find something I really like, and they're no exception. I think I freak my family out a little with how much I listen to them and all my posters and buttons and junk. I haven't gotten an AFI tattoo, yet. I have however, even gotten my mom to like stuff like "Prelude 12/21", so I think that in and of itself speaks for the awesomeness, power, and beauty of their music. Trust me, she is one of the last people I would've expected to listen to anything of theirs. I love that they have seneses of humor too, they have crack me up with their comments in interviews. I love that at least Davey and Jade are Straight-Edge too, because so few of the people I listen to are ,and I hate that they're slowly destroying themselves and cutting their lives short with drugs and alchohol. Okay, back to me. I'm normally very quiet and rarely go anywhere or do anything without my ipod and a book handy. I have an older brother, 2 younger brothers, and a younger sister. Of all my siblings, I think my older brother and I have the most in common. He got me into most of the music and manga I'm into now, and we have similar senses of humor. I guess we look the most alike too, though his eyes are more blue than green, and mine are really green. I'm the shortest in my family, despite being the 2nd oldest. All of my brothers tower of me, and often find it funny. My middle brother used to pick me up and just laugh at how I'd kick my little legs trying to get back to the ground, and couldn't. Anyone who doesn't know me never guesses that I'm actually an adult, I get mistaken for a middle school girl all the time, and hate it. I guess I still sound like a little girl too, I'm stuck with this quiet, mezzo- sopprano voice forever. I guess that's how it's meant to be though, and it WAS pretty fun singing the high, melodic parts in high school choir. That was my all time favorite class in school, and I made almost every friend I have there. It was really nice and reassuring knowing that there were other people like me in my school, and I found them there. Plus, in the choir room we even had our own hang-out, no one bothered us there. College was in some was great, and in other ways, very much a let-down, because so many of the people there treated me just like most of the people in high school did. I guess that's what I get for being a langauge geek, and a good student, too. >_> The few people I really liked got out of that school asap, and then I had only my books and CD player for company. I grew up speaking German, because my mom is Austiran, and she started teaching me Spanish when I was abbout 10, and now I'm trying to learn some Japanese because my little sister andd I are going to Japan in about a month and a half. This is one of the few things my sister and I have in common, and I'm really excited and happy that she acctually wants to go with me, even if only because she knows I have a better chance of learning Japanese.