HEY!!!!
I'm sitting here again, worrying. 
I posted one of Jack's band's songs to my Faceboook wall, saying it was a really good pick me up after having a kind of bad few days. In a way, I'd kind of hoped for a little reassurance from him, and maybe Mike. I know I shouldn't be acting like this, but it's hard not to be a little sad if you get the feeling that you don't matter as much to certain people as they matter to you. I posted one of my poems to my wall, too. I kind of wonder if anyone else will like it. Yeah, I'm being a total reassurance hog again. I kind of wonder if maybe I wasn't a little too harsh with the second guy I turned down yesterday, he seemed really sad after I did that. He wasn't a bad looking guy, per se, and he might have been really nice, but he just wasn't Jack. I don't know if anything would work out with him, even if he wanted to date me. I notice a definite difference in maturity levels between us, especially when he's with his friends. But, that might just be because there seems to be a difference in maturity levels between men and women in general. I mean, Danny and his friends act like that, and they're all in their early 30s and late 20s. In some ways, I have to admit, I find it amusing. I want him to really want to be friends, to want to spend time with me. I want him to want me, you know? I also wish I could be sure he didn't just invite me to their show or accept my friend request for some other reason, like making more money by suckering a girl he knows has a thing for him. No, I shouldn't think like that. I am a cynical little bitch sometimes, and that has to stop if I'm ever really going to trust more than a few people. I also think I'm kind of spoiled sometimes, despite how often I decry that. I totally still play the spoiled little sister card with Danny and my favorite cousin, to whom I'm the closest thing to a little sister. I don't do it often, but I hate myself for it when I do. I'm spoiled in a lot of ways, especially by my family. My mom gave me this big, fluffy feather down quilt that she loved, just because I said I liked it once or twice, Danny often just gives me things without my having to ask, and Mark dotes on me almost like a big brother would. It seems wrong to act this way, because I don't think it's fair to them. I'm listening to music right now, and really trying not to think about Jack. 
It's really hard knowing that whatever the hell this is will never mean as much to him as it does to me. I can't deny that it's brought me a lot of happiness to know him, but I'm still almost always insecure about exactly where I stand with him. I hate feeling like this. I like to think it won't always be like this, but I can't be certain of that. The reason I say this is that I'm starting to feel like maybe it's time I spent time with a guy who really likes me. Maybe I should have been nicer to that guy yesterday. I'm
generally pretty good at being nice to others because of the nurse/maid thing I do, but sometimes I just brush people off. I was kind of afraid of having another Trevor on my hands, too. I think both of those guys kind of reminded me of him, and I just want no part of that. I find it very interesting that the nano-second Trevor realized I was never going to sleep with him, he stopped talking to me...for a while. He reminds me of my ex-boyfriend, Camron. He didn't want a girlfriend; he wanted a pretty, quiet, piece of gothy arm candy, to put it nicely. I don't know why these seem to be the only kinds of guys I attract. >_> I hate that too. I hate a lot of things. >_> I'm listening to Dir En Grey again, God damn, these guys kick ass. I wish it weren't so hard to find their cds around here. Okay, back to my bitching about guys. I was really naive with Camron, but he was my first boyfriend, and the first guy to show such intense interest in me. I was totally swept up in the romance of it, for a while. I was the kind of girlfriend who'd show
up almost every morning with breakfast, coffee, and kisses. I liked that part of it, but not how demanding and possessive he became. For example; I was really sick one morning, he climbs in bed with me and starts trying to fool around. I eventually had to kick him out, because he didn't get the whole "no means no" concept. I think I said something like "I feel like crap, get out of my bed you stupid asshole." I felt really bad, and that was all he could think of. I'm almost afraid something like that will happen again. I don't want to say all guys are like that, but I'm kind of thinking it.^_~ I feel kind of exposed right now, I haven't really opened up to anyone but my best friend about what happened between Camron and I. I couldn't believe the second guy I turned down yesterday was willing to give me his number after about 10 seconds of conversation, I would never do that with a guy. It's kind of funny, most guys I've known for 10 years don't have my number. God, I really DO keep a lot to myself. My mom actually says that, too. She says I used to be an open book, now she almost has to drag the words out of me. I guess that's it for today. Thanks yet again for reading. I'll probably be back tomorrow on my lunch break.
I posted one of Jack's band's songs to my Faceboook wall, saying it was a really good pick me up after having a kind of bad few days. In a way, I'd kind of hoped for a little reassurance from him, and maybe Mike. I know I shouldn't be acting like this, but it's hard not to be a little sad if you get the feeling that you don't matter as much to certain people as they matter to you. I posted one of my poems to my wall, too. I kind of wonder if anyone else will like it. Yeah, I'm being a total reassurance hog again. I kind of wonder if maybe I wasn't a little too harsh with the second guy I turned down yesterday, he seemed really sad after I did that. He wasn't a bad looking guy, per se, and he might have been really nice, but he just wasn't Jack. I don't know if anything would work out with him, even if he wanted to date me. I notice a definite difference in maturity levels between us, especially when he's with his friends. But, that might just be because there seems to be a difference in maturity levels between men and women in general. I mean, Danny and his friends act like that, and they're all in their early 30s and late 20s. In some ways, I have to admit, I find it amusing. I want him to really want to be friends, to want to spend time with me. I want him to want me, you know? I also wish I could be sure he didn't just invite me to their show or accept my friend request for some other reason, like making more money by suckering a girl he knows has a thing for him. No, I shouldn't think like that. I am a cynical little bitch sometimes, and that has to stop if I'm ever really going to trust more than a few people. I also think I'm kind of spoiled sometimes, despite how often I decry that. I totally still play the spoiled little sister card with Danny and my favorite cousin, to whom I'm the closest thing to a little sister. I don't do it often, but I hate myself for it when I do. I'm spoiled in a lot of ways, especially by my family. My mom gave me this big, fluffy feather down quilt that she loved, just because I said I liked it once or twice, Danny often just gives me things without my having to ask, and Mark dotes on me almost like a big brother would. It seems wrong to act this way, because I don't think it's fair to them. I'm listening to music right now, and really trying not to think about Jack. 
It's really hard knowing that whatever the hell this is will never mean as much to him as it does to me. I can't deny that it's brought me a lot of happiness to know him, but I'm still almost always insecure about exactly where I stand with him. I hate feeling like this. I like to think it won't always be like this, but I can't be certain of that. The reason I say this is that I'm starting to feel like maybe it's time I spent time with a guy who really likes me. Maybe I should have been nicer to that guy yesterday. I'm
generally pretty good at being nice to others because of the nurse/maid thing I do, but sometimes I just brush people off. I was kind of afraid of having another Trevor on my hands, too. I think both of those guys kind of reminded me of him, and I just want no part of that. I find it very interesting that the nano-second Trevor realized I was never going to sleep with him, he stopped talking to me...for a while. He reminds me of my ex-boyfriend, Camron. He didn't want a girlfriend; he wanted a pretty, quiet, piece of gothy arm candy, to put it nicely. I don't know why these seem to be the only kinds of guys I attract. >_> I hate that too. I hate a lot of things. >_> I'm listening to Dir En Grey again, God damn, these guys kick ass. I wish it weren't so hard to find their cds around here. Okay, back to my bitching about guys. I was really naive with Camron, but he was my first boyfriend, and the first guy to show such intense interest in me. I was totally swept up in the romance of it, for a while. I was the kind of girlfriend who'd show
up almost every morning with breakfast, coffee, and kisses. I liked that part of it, but not how demanding and possessive he became. For example; I was really sick one morning, he climbs in bed with me and starts trying to fool around. I eventually had to kick him out, because he didn't get the whole "no means no" concept. I think I said something like "I feel like crap, get out of my bed you stupid asshole." I felt really bad, and that was all he could think of. I'm almost afraid something like that will happen again. I don't want to say all guys are like that, but I'm kind of thinking it.^_~ I feel kind of exposed right now, I haven't really opened up to anyone but my best friend about what happened between Camron and I. I couldn't believe the second guy I turned down yesterday was willing to give me his number after about 10 seconds of conversation, I would never do that with a guy. It's kind of funny, most guys I've known for 10 years don't have my number. God, I really DO keep a lot to myself. My mom actually says that, too. She says I used to be an open book, now she almost has to drag the words out of me. I guess that's it for today. Thanks yet again for reading. I'll probably be back tomorrow on my lunch break. Today's song is "Broken Pieces" by Apocalpytica feat. Lacey Sturm ^_^ ^_^
BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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