Samhain ^_^

HEY!!!!!!

It's kind of hard to be sad on my favorite day of the year, yet I'm not as happy as I could be. I sent out a little Halloween gretting on Facebook to all my family and friends. I sent one of my friends a happy birthday message, too. She's really lucky to have a birthday on this day. I saw a message from Jack to his friends, thanking them for helping him get home last night and saying he didn't really remember what happened. I thought to myself, "Jesus, Jack." I love him, but this can't be good for him. Of course, since I'm not his girlfriend, I can't really be telling him what to do. I guess as his friend, I have some right to talk to him about this, but I don't want to go pushing my beliefs on him. Just because I'm Straight Edge doesn't mean everyone else is, you know? My dad's leaving tomorrow morning, and in a way, I'm glad because that removes a small part of the stress from my life, but not all of it. I just hope he'll be okay. In a way, I think he wants to leave, because I haven't had a lot of time to spend with him, or been in the best of moods. When am I in a really good mood anymore, though? I want so much to just have things be simple, and it's never going to be anymore. I guess I should quit my bitching and find a way to fight my way through this, but that's going to be a hell of a hard thing to do. I guess that's it for right now. I have to get going to work pretty soon. Thanks yet again for reading.

Today's song is "Afraid this time", Celldweller feat. Corey Taylor I am in love with his voice, I can't help it. ^_^

BYE!!!!!!

Secret Admirer

HEY!!!!

I'm just here to drop a (fairly) quick line about something really weird that happened to me yesterday. I was reading the section of a local newspaper where people kind of give shout outs to other people that they meet, like, and want to see again, or people that they see a lot and would like to meet and I saw this;"Bravo to the girl I see every day. You have medium length dark brown hair, wear glasses and hats sometimes, have lots of charms on your backpack and lots of other super cute things about you. You make my head spin and make me feel like I'm walking three feet off the ground every time I see you. Do you have any idea how effen kick ass you are?!" Ring any bells? I'm 99% certain that dude was talking about me, which is really weird. I'm kind of flattered in a way, but also a bit weirded out. I kind of wonder who it was, he didn't leave a name. I'm kind of famous in my own right, simply for being pretty different from a lot of people around here, mostly for dressing the way I do. I guess I do sort of have a reputation around here. I was trying to guess who it might be, and I don't know. Lots of people say they see me around, and a few guys have used the buttons on my backpack as a conversation starter. God, I wish it were Jack saying that. I know he's my friend, but I still wish we were more. I know Jack doesn't feel that way first of all, plus he knows my name and my number; he wouldn't have to resort to this. I guess I should try to find out if he really is talking about me, but he described almost every little detail about me. Okay, I should give this a rest; I've been kind of obsessing about it since I saw it. Jack and his band have another show on the 13th of next month, and I'm going to be their happy little cheerleader once again. I kind of wonder if these guys really see a lot of the real me. I mean, I know they see the goth/rocker girl, but I don't know if they see how insecure and neurotic I am underneath that. I don't think they'd really want to see that, you know? I think that in a way, they want what Camron wanted, just a pretty goth doll. I don't help things by willingly playing into that, I know. But I swear to God, it's so hard not to. I also kind of wonder how many guys come here just to look at the pretty anime girl pictures I add. ^_~ I actually used to get so pissed at girls who acted like this, I've become a hypocrite in that respect. I think I understand why they do it, now. The pretty outside is sometimes all anyone wants to see, no matter how fucked up the inside might be. I'm still telling Mark that Jack didn't tell me about his band because he liked me and wanted to impress me, but he doesn't quite believe it. I'm adding another page of my favorite female anime characters, and I might add some of my favorite male charcters, too. I guess that's it for right now. Thanks again for reading. It really helps a lot to come here and vent. I think I need to go talk to my best friend about this, if only to get some feedback. She's always good for that.

Today's song is "Vanitas" by Dir en Grey

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gloomy........

HEY!!!!!!

I'm back again, if only to have something else to do while I finish my lunch. It seems Jack and his boys had a really great show last night, the whole damn thing even sold out. I can't believe they literally sold every ticket. I'm really happy for him and Mike on one hand, and so depressed on the other. I'm always going to be one of their little cheerleaders, and their friend, but I want to hang out with them more. I think they're all probably asleep still, or at least not in any shape to do much just yet. I really hope they'll see my post on their pages, and write back. I can't believe I just called myself a cheerleader. Well, I'd do it for them. I'll be tempted to go and see Jack at some point soon, hopefully he won't mind. I'm also really grateful for my mom, my best friend, and (as always) Mark and Danny. They've all done a lot to cheer me up. Danny bought me the 4th "Pirates" movie, as a really early Christmas present. My best friend wrote me another really nice message on Facebook. My mom gave me one of her usual pep talks, but I know if I really let her in on what's going on with me, she'd listen. Mark bought some Simpsons dvds, and said "Dude, just sit down and watch this with me for a while. Relax for once." I just wish I didn't feel so lame for needing so much reassurance from them. I'm glad I have it though, if I need it. Jack also introduced me to another new band that his friends play in; they're pretty good, but I think Jack's a better screamer than his friend. I'm a bit biased though, obviously. I have to admit, for me it's always been 95% about Jack, and 5% about the music. Does that make me phony? Lame as it sounds, I was just really glad for any excuse to hang out with him and talk to him more. I have to get going again pretty soon. I'm trying to think positively about the whole "just friends" situation with Jack, maybe at least then I can be more realxed around him. I guess that's it for right now. Thanks again for reading.

Today's song is "Du hast" by Rammstein Gotta love German Metal!!!!

BYE!!!!!!!

Just friends>_>

HEY!!

Sorry for waiting so long to come back here. I have a bit of time though now, so let me fill you in. I finally had the guts to ask Jack out, and he tells me "Sorry, I have a girlfriend." Ouch!! I'm glad he was at least honest with me, but I wish I'd known this earlier. I feel like an idiot, but not quite as hurt as I was expecting. I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel jealous, though. I guess the "Just friends" statements I make whenever I talk about him are totally true now, that's really all we can be. I'm thinking about these little moments between us, and they totally take on a different meaning now that I know he wasn't available for most of the time I've known him. I'm going to have a hell of a time pretending to be "normal" around him now, too. I don't want to ruin our friendship, such as it is, and I'd LOVE for any ideas on how to do that. I'm hoping he doesn't think I'm a total freak now. He and his band actually have a show in about 3 hours, and guess who can't be there. >_> This girl right here. I'm almost glad, I think I need a few more Jack free days. I WILL be pissed though, if Mike wears that mini-skirt and doesn't post pictures. That's going to be hilarious for everyone but him. Poor guy's going to freeze his ass off though, it's so cold right now. I have to say that I'm also kind of glad my dad's going to be leaving in less than a week, it's stressful trying to be the buffer for my parents whenever they're around each other. I have to thank you guys for reading, I've noticed the page count is over 3,000. That's awesome. ^_^ I've been trying to keep up the normal beauty standard that I've gotten used, but I'm not quite feeling it anymore. I mean, it's just not the same if it doesn't get Jack's attention, you know? I look okay, but I don't try so hard. Is that terrible? I guess that's it for today, I have to get going. BYE!!!!!

Today's song is "Akatsuki" by Dir en Grey

My plague

HEY!!!!!

I feel a little better today than I have in a while, but i still feel like I'm wading through all kinds of shit that I shouldn't have to. It's been crazy stressful dealing with both my parents being in the same place again. I swear, it seems like they can't say anything really nice to each other anymore. I'm usually stuck playing the mediator, too, you know? I'm supposed to be their kid, and I'm watching out for THEM. I saw Jack just a bit ago, it was ridiculous how happy I felt. He saw me and waved and smiled, and my stupid heart skipped a beat. Obviously, I'm still stuck on him. He said he almost didn't get the day off for their next show, when I apologized for declining his invitation. I thought that was kind of funny. I hate how he can still affect me like that. I saw Craig again today, too. It's kind of funny how he and Jack both smiled, waved, and asked how I was in the exact same order. I still don't know what (if anything) I really am to Jack, and I can't stand it. We were having a good time talking, though, and I didn't want to spoil it. I'm incredibly grateful to Mark, Danny, Jack, and my best friend for keeping me calm and happy lately. I love them all, in different ways. I've lost another 2 1/2 pounds, which means all together I've lost almost 70 pounds. That's a hell of a lot of fat, believe me. I guess other than the usual insecurities about Jack, and wanting to bitch my parents out for putting me in the middle of THEIR problems, I'm okay. I guess that's it for right now. Thanks a lot for reading.

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today's song is "Vanitas" by Dir En Grey ^_^

Stupid girl

HEY!!!

Today has totally been a "People=shit" kind of day. I don't know if it's all my fault, though. I was spending the day with my dad, and Jack walks by. Neither of us says anything, though I could swear we saw each other. I'm not saying he should have waved or something, because I could have just as easily done the same, but it would've been nice not to have to take the initiative 99.99% of the time with him. I felt kind of weird, knowing that my dad knew I took notice of him specifically. He already doesn't like him, and doesn't even know that I know him. He was making fun of his hair and the way he dresses. >_> I happen to like both of those things about him. I hate that I like him this much, even though he doesn't seem to feel the same. I saw Craig, the guy who asked me out last week again at the grocery store, and the library. I saw him pointing me out to his friend who came grocery shopping with him. I tried to be a little nicer to him this time, I think I hurt his feelings last time. I'm sitting here now, really wishing I could change this whole stupid situation. I wish I could just get over Jack, and like Craig as much as he likes me. I'm feeling really stupid right now. He seems like a nice enough guy, and I'm tired of my own cowardice and Jack's seeming ambivalence toward me. I'd love to be loved, you know? I do think I like Craig, in a way, he's sweet. I just can't get over this stupid infatuation with Jack. I do kind of worry that Craig's going to be sort of a taller, thinner, slightly more attractive, Asian Trevor, which is what made me be kind of stand-offish to him the first time. You know what? I don't care anymore, I'm tired of feeling hurt every time Jack doesn't give me the attention I think I deserve, and then coming here to bitch about it. It's all too much. I don't want to have to explain about "us", or defend whatever the hell it is we might have or might have had. I think at least 99% of it was always on my side, anyway. I just couldn't help it, and I hate myself for that. I think I'd still miss Jack if I never got to see him again. That also makes me wonder in hell it means that he told Mike all this shit about me, and then we act like this. I'm seriously going to start banging my head on my computer desk pretty soon. I guess I've developed something of a reputation here with the "goth/rock" guys, though that's not always a good thing. It can be pretty easy for them to get the wrong idea about you. >_> I want to just find a decent, sweet, funny, smart goth guy. I guess that's it for today. Thanks yet again for reading.

Today's song is "People=shit" by Slipknot

See you soon. ^_^ BYE!!!!!!!!!

Back again....

HEY!!!!!!!!

I wish I really felt that happy today. My dad's here, and I'm only able to take this little break because he went somewhere on his own. I'm wondering about all of this shit with Jack, and what (if anything) it all means to him. I was getting ready this morning, and thinking that should he really want to, he'd have no problem finding a much prettier girl than me. I'm actually wearing my glasses today, my eyes are so tired. I'm feeling really bad in general, and I'm pretty sure it's mostly psychosomatic. I'm just wondering how much I really matter to anyone else, and I hate not knowing that. I got a really nice message from my best friend on Facebook, which I have to admit made me feel a little better. I'm kind of tired of always playing the angel, though. I feel like I get screwed over for trying to be good, and I hate that so much. I hate how I seem to only be remembered when it's convenient for others. I'm sitting here, wondering how many of them would really miss me if I died, how many of them would really lift a finger for me. I thought my horoscope for today was oddly appropriate.

"Do you feel as though you're the one who's always initiating plans with your friends? If you think that nothing would ever happen unless you made all the arrangements and sent all the emails, then test your theory. Stop being the social director for your people, and see what happens. Your suspicions will either be proved wrong (and you'll get to take a break) or be proved right (and you may realize that you're being taken advantage of). " I feel just like that sometimes, and I hate it. I wrote another poem about it.

Feeling so left behind,

Always out of sight out of mind,

Only remembered when it's convenient,

Still, with you I'm always so lenient,

Only to you did I ever belong,

Every day, the same old song,

Trying for what I cannot be,

I watch as you yet again abandon me.

I really WANT to belong to these people in a way, and know that they belong to me, too. I hate feeling left out and left behind all the time. I'm tired of sitting alone so much, and feeling like I hardly belong anywhere. I'm still proudly wearing and keeping all the little trinkets from my family and friends, sort of branding myself as theirs, and I wish they'd do the same. I guess that's it for right now. I'll be back as often as possible. Thanks for reading.

Today's song is "Somewhere I belong" by Linkin Park

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sad but true...........

HEY!!!!!!!!!

I'm back, eating, typing, and worrying. I'm feeling a little better in some respects, but I'm still wondering about Jack. I posted a poem I wrote on my Facebook wall, and Cassie and a few of my friends liked it. I know that's kind of a little thing to be happy about, but I only have little things right now. It's funny because I've posted songs and a few status updates on there, and no one said a damn word. I guess that just reconfirms my supposed talent for writing. In a way, I wanted to see what everyone would say, so I'm glad I got some positive feedback. I'm really wondering if Jack will say anything about it. I'm thinking I either need to let him know how I feel or let him go, I can't keep hanging on his every word and hoping for these little moments between us to continue. The bitch of this is I really want to be his friend, if nothing else. I actually enjoy his company. This is really starting to feel like my situation with Rob all over again, and I WILL NOT put myself through that again. I couldn't bare to look at him for years, let alone talk to him; I cried so much because of him. I'm just afraid this won't end well, for me. I saw that guy who asked me out a few days ago, and almost went up to him. I don't think he saw me. I wonder why I bother carrying this torch for a guy who doesn't always seem to remember I'm alive. I'm just being insecure again, I know, but damn it; I hate this feeling. I'm really glad at least I had Cassie and my friends to cheer me up yesterday. I almost didn't expect Cassie to be so supportive, which made it even better. I guess that's it for today. Thanks for reading, again.

Today's song is "Bother" by Stone Sour I will NEVER get tired of this.

BYE!!!!!!!

Guys, wtf?

HEY!!!!

I'm sitting here again, worrying. I posted one of Jack's band's songs to my Faceboook wall, saying it was a really good pick me up after having a kind of bad few days. In a way, I'd kind of hoped for a little reassurance from him, and maybe Mike. I know I shouldn't be acting like this, but it's hard not to be a little sad if you get the feeling that you don't matter as much to certain people as they matter to you. I posted one of my poems to my wall, too. I kind of wonder if anyone else will like it. Yeah, I'm being a total reassurance hog again. I kind of wonder if maybe I wasn't a little too harsh with the second guy I turned down yesterday, he seemed really sad after I did that. He wasn't a bad looking guy, per se, and he might have been really nice, but he just wasn't Jack. I don't know if anything would work out with him, even if he wanted to date me. I notice a definite difference in maturity levels between us, especially when he's with his friends. But, that might just be because there seems to be a difference in maturity levels between men and women in general. I mean, Danny and his friends act like that, and they're all in their early 30s and late 20s. In some ways, I have to admit, I find it amusing. I want him to really want to be friends, to want to spend time with me. I want him to want me, you know? I also wish I could be sure he didn't just invite me to their show or accept my friend request for some other reason, like making more money by suckering a girl he knows has a thing for him. No, I shouldn't think like that. I am a cynical little bitch sometimes, and that has to stop if I'm ever really going to trust more than a few people. I also think I'm kind of spoiled sometimes, despite how often I decry that. I totally still play the spoiled little sister card with Danny and my favorite cousin, to whom I'm the closest thing to a little sister. I don't do it often, but I hate myself for it when I do. I'm spoiled in a lot of ways, especially by my family. My mom gave me this big, fluffy feather down quilt that she loved, just because I said I liked it once or twice, Danny often just gives me things without my having to ask, and Mark dotes on me almost like a big brother would. It seems wrong to act this way, because I don't think it's fair to them. I'm listening to music right now, and really trying not to think about Jack. It's really hard knowing that whatever the hell this is will never mean as much to him as it does to me. I can't deny that it's brought me a lot of happiness to know him, but I'm still almost always insecure about exactly where I stand with him. I hate feeling like this. I like to think it won't always be like this, but I can't be certain of that. The reason I say this is that I'm starting to feel like maybe it's time I spent time with a guy who really likes me. Maybe I should have been nicer to that guy yesterday. I'm generally pretty good at being nice to others because of the nurse/maid thing I do, but sometimes I just brush people off. I was kind of afraid of having another Trevor on my hands, too. I think both of those guys kind of reminded me of him, and I just want no part of that. I find it very interesting that the nano-second Trevor realized I was never going to sleep with him, he stopped talking to me...for a while. He reminds me of my ex-boyfriend, Camron. He didn't want a girlfriend; he wanted a pretty, quiet, piece of gothy arm candy, to put it nicely. I don't know why these seem to be the only kinds of guys I attract. >_> I hate that too. I hate a lot of things. >_> I'm listening to Dir En Grey again, God damn, these guys kick ass. I wish it weren't so hard to find their cds around here. Okay, back to my bitching about guys. I was really naive with Camron, but he was my first boyfriend, and the first guy to show such intense interest in me. I was totally swept up in the romance of it, for a while. I was the kind of girlfriend who'd show up almost every morning with breakfast, coffee, and kisses. I liked that part of it, but not how demanding and possessive he became. For example; I was really sick one morning, he climbs in bed with me and starts trying to fool around. I eventually had to kick him out, because he didn't get the whole "no means no" concept. I think I said something like "I feel like crap, get out of my bed you stupid asshole." I felt really bad, and that was all he could think of. I'm almost afraid something like that will happen again. I don't want to say all guys are like that, but I'm kind of thinking it.^_~ I feel kind of exposed right now, I haven't really opened up to anyone but my best friend about what happened between Camron and I. I couldn't believe the second guy I turned down yesterday was willing to give me his number after about 10 seconds of conversation, I would never do that with a guy. It's kind of funny, most guys I've known for 10 years don't have my number. God, I really DO keep a lot to myself. My mom actually says that, too. She says I used to be an open book, now she almost has to drag the words out of me. I guess that's it for today. Thanks yet again for reading. I'll probably be back tomorrow on my lunch break.

Today's song is "Broken Pieces" by Apocalpytica feat. Lacey Sturm ^_^ ^_^

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Queen nothing

HEY!!!!!

Dad's car decided to crap out on him, so he's not here and I have more time to write. It's been a very weird few days. Jack intivted me to his band's next show, but I really don't know if I can make it. I feel (again) like he just wants another ass in a seat, even though he did bother to ask me personally. I'm feeling a little insecure again, and I'm not really sure why. I feel kind of terrible, though, because I totally rejected 2 other guys today who were asking me out. Obviously, I turned them down(in part) because of how I feel about Jack. I learned my lesson with Trevor, no matter how much one might like the attention of others', if one doesn't return their feelings, it's wrong to pretend otherwise. I'm sitting here, wondering if this is ever going to work out. I really want him to like me, but I don't want to force it. I want him to come to me more often, you know? I want him to talk to me because he wants to. I want our friendship to mean something to him, too. I was also kind of stressing because I felt a little overwhelmed again by so many things coming together at once, and I hate that. I'll be fine, I think. I guess that's it for today. Thanks for reading.

Today's song is "Akatsuki" by Dir en grey

BYE!!!!!!!!!