HEY!!!!!I finally got around to texting Jack about my ticket a few days ago, I didn't want to seem too eager. I felt weird about it though, since it's always way different talking to someone through texts than face to face. Anyway, yesterday morning, I finally went and picked it up. I accidentally woke him up with my text, and felt totally guilty about it. I didn't get invited to come hang out, as I kind of expected. I apologized copiously for waking him up, and he apologized for being late. We kind of agreed to meet at 11:00, and he didn't get there until 11:30. As soon as we chatted for a few minutes, and I had my ticket I felt summarily dismissed, and tried with all I had not to stalk off. I'd been hanging out at a coffee shop, and had been hoping maybe he'd join me in a cup of coffee, but no such luck. I don't think I'd ever felt more disposable in my life, as soon as he had my money, and had chatted a bit, he was done with me. I don't know if he really doesn't get how I feel about him, or if he's really emotionally blind or what, but that hurt, a lot. I have to admit that I totally gave myself over to the sadness when I got home, I cried AGAIN. I'm just glad I held it together in front of everyone else. It's hard not to think about things like that when you're by yourself in a dark little room, after all the lights and the tv have been shut off. It was the craziest thing, normally I can handle solitude, seek it even, but not last night. It totally makes you aware of just how lonely and isolated you've let yourself become though, when at night all you hear next to you is the wind in the trees and the cars driving by outside. I'm trying not to be petty and get angry at him, but I think I am done with him. I'm obviously never going to mean as much to him as he does to me. I don't understand him sometimes, the first time I texted him asking for a ticket, after telling him who I was, he seemed happy. After finding out it was me, he said "Sure, no problem. ^_^" I know that's a little thing, but little things mean A LOT to me. I found it funny that he remembered my last name, too. I may be in this whole thing a little too deeply now to back out completely, but that's partly on me. I don't have to play the part of adoring fan girl anymore, though, and I don't intend to. I hate myself for getting into another situation where I can get hurt again. I've started blaming myself too, for acting so stupidly happy any time he acknowledged me at all, maybe I was just setting myself up for more pain. I've resolved though to keep my shit together and not let this stop me from trying to be happy. I've started singing again, as I said I was going to. I tried to sing "Somebody to love" by Queen, "One" by Metallica, and "Numb" by Linkin Park. Of those 3, the only one I sound even remotely decent on is "Numb", but that's because it's not so hard for me to mimic his tone. You DON'T want to hear my James Hetfield impression, though, it's so bad. I wish I sounded better singing this stuff, but my voice just isn't cut out for it. I don't get why it's possible for me to ape Sully Erna's tone when I sing Godsmack songs, but I can't do a James Hetfield impression. >_> I tried singing those 3 songs over and over, my throat is actually a little sore still from that. I have some songs that kind of take the words from my mouth, they express so perfectly what I think and feel about certain things. Here's a list of them.
1. "Bother" by Stone Sour- Sums up pretty much everything I feel about myself, my parents, the world, etc.
2. "Numb" by "Linkin Park"- Anyone with an overbearing parent knows exactly what he's saying here.
3. "Pardon me" by Incubus- Just puts my feelings of alienation and disillusionment with the world and its people into words.
4. "The perfect boy" by The Cure- A girl who's been hurt, but not totally ready to give up on love.
5. "Keep away" by Godsmack- Again, puts my antisocial feelings into words.
I guess that's the list for right now, I might have to add to it later. Check out these songs though, they're all great. I've got to run again, I'll try to be back really soon. Today's song is "Numb" by Linkin Park. ^_^ Thanks for reading.
BYE!!!!!!!!!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment