HEY!!!!!
Sorry I've let this slip for a few days, again. Totally unintentional, I promise. I've been going over a lot of things in my head, trying to make it all make sense. I saw another girl left a post on Jack's band's facebook page, saying she was really glad she got to hang out with them, loves their cd, and can't wait to see them live. I totally got jealous again, and hate myself for it. I have no real claim on Jack, and I know it, but I'll be damned if I'm going to just give up on him without a fight. It's not like they were just hanging out together alone, and I know that, too, but it still pisses me off to no end. I've got to get a handle on that before I dare go face him, and I'm REALLY trying. I know their drummer, Charlie, is married, but as far as I know, the rest of the guys are available. I don't care what Heath and Mike, their singer do, but I want to be with Jack so much it almost physically hurts. I also kind of dread going to see him tomorrow, I don't feel well again today, so I'm staying home. I want him to ask me to hang out after the show, and it'll be really hard to stifle my hurt and anger if he doesn't, you know? It'll feel like a real rejection, like I'm not worthy of spending more time with him. I'd kind of like to meet his friends properly, too. I think it's funny that Jack and I obviously know each other, though we weren't properly introduced. If he doesn't ask me to hang out with him, it'll be pretty hard to keep from going to pieces right then and there, though I won't give him the satisfaction of seeing me like that. I probably shouldn't dwell on that right now, I need to try a little positive visualization. I wonder how the whole Warped Tour experience was for him, I hope he had fun, and that their shows went well. I'll ask him all about it, of course, when I see him again. Mark heard me playing some of their stuff over the weekend, and said "Your husband's doing that? That's awesome." I've told him repeatedly not to talk like that, he thinks it's funny to embarrass me, though I know he'd never do it in front of other people. I kind of regret telling either Mark or Mom anything about him, though they both heard me playing his music and Mark saw us wave to each other, so I had to tell them SOMETHING. I hate that the girl who left them that message had to remind them of who she even fucking was, yet she got invited to hang out with them. I can guess WHY they asked her, but I really hoped Jack wasn't so superficial as to ask only the skanks in the crowd to hang with him. He fucking actually knows me, too, Goddamnit. Okay, obviously I haven't gotten a handle on my jealousy and anger yet. I'm working on it. Yeah, I'd be the jealous, bitchy girlfriend from hell if he were my boyfriend. I'd be worrying about him, too. It was storming pretty badly last night, and I kind of thought "I hope they're being careful if they're driving home right now." I tend to worry too much about everyone, though, as I've said before. My middle brother, Cory, tells me that all the time. It's just that I only have so many people I really care about, and I don't want anything to happen to any of them. I almost feel stupid for letting myself fall for Jack, I'm so afraid of being hurt and rejected again. I wonder if he knows just how much the sweet, cute little things he does sometimes endear him to me, and how glad I am to know him at all. I probably should have told him how much little things mean to me, like our waving routine. I'm really excited to go their show, don't get me wrong, but it's about 5% percent about the music in this case, and 95% about getting closer to Jack. It's not that I don't like the music, I love it, but I wouldn't have listened to it if I hadn't wanted to make him happy. I'm cranking "People=Shit" right now, fortunately it's still got all its cathartic power. After a few more run throughs, I should start to feel better. God, I'd be so screwed without music. I think Jack understands that, too, at least if anything he's told me is true. We were both the kind of kids who'd probably be dead if we hadn't discovered music, and made friends who love it as much as we do. I've switched to Marilyn Manson's "The Beautiful People" now, same effect. Another thing that's been bugging me is that I'm pretty sure Jack doesn't share my Straight Edge beliefs. Actually, none of my friends do, and it sucks ass being the only Straight Edge person in my group. I'm not going to tell them they have to change to make me happy, but it still sucks. None of them are vegetarians either, btw. >_> I couldn't believe my dad had the nerve to make fun of me for that, after the kind of father he's been. I guess that's it for today. I need to go do something. Maybe go for a walk, get the endorphins flowing, and cheer myself up a little. Thanks for reading, I should be here again tomorrow, to tell you what happend with Jack, if I see him.
Today's song is "Bother" by Stone Sour. It's not as loud as "People=Shit" or "The Beautiful People", but it's even better in the sentiment it conveys. It's still my favorite song.
BYE!!!!!!!!
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