HEY!!!!
Here I am again, it's too hot to do much of anything and I have the day off, so here I am. I'd go swimming, but there are just too God damn many people at the pool, and I hate that. I'm still really confused about Jack, I wonder if any of whatever it is that's been going on between us has meant anything to him. Mom actually kind of asked what our deal was the other day, and I couldn't honestly say I knew. I wouldn't tell her if I did, probably, but I seriously didn't even know how to put it into words. I don't know what more I'm expecting, though, from a relationship that developed from me going into a certain place at a certain time, and talking to a certain guy. I know almost all relationships develop from something so random, but this almost seems a little more random than most. I mean, we did (do?) have something of a relationship, though, right? We were at least kind of friends, right? I hate that it's all so vague, and think it's too bad that we're both masters of vagaries, and brush-offs. Not exactly the best type of people to really have any kind of honest, open relationship, right? I also hate how easy it can be for one person to feel and think one thing, while another doesn't at all. Yet again, I feel guilt for how I treated Trevor. A tiny part of me saw this whole thing going to hell a mile away, I shouldn't have ignored it. It's funny, the same Monday I felt totally rejected by Jack, 3 other guys totally hit on me. I just don't understand how this works, but I find a bit of comfort in knowing that no one really does. I've been trying to reach out to others more, to be more social. I even struck up a conversation with one of my Austrian cousins, whom I haven't talked to in years. It helps me practice my German, plus he's actually working in Japan right now, and I'm totally chewing his ear to get his impressions of the place. I have to admit, I envy him a bit for working in one of the most beautiful, amazing places on Earth, but he says he barely gets to see any of it, he's so busy. I think the pace of my life is manic enough, with all the shit I either pile on my own shoulders or have piled on for me. I'm so grateful for Mark and Danny, though, quite possibly the only 2 people in the world I have almost no reservations in front of. I kind of talk to Mom, but there's only so much I can tell her. Trust me, if it doesn't conform to her world view, she won't listen. I can't talk to Dad at all, really. He's decided he wants to come back up here the second week of September, and in all honesty, it was hard enough having him here before. I don't like him treating me like a little girl or an idiot, which seems to be the only way he knows to interact with his daughter. Obviously, I haven't shown him the part of me that can hang just as well with the guys, if not do better than them. I almost hope he decides against coming here again. I was glad that at least I'll have already gone to watch Jack play before he gets here. I guess that's it for right now. Thanks for reading.
Here I am again, it's too hot to do much of anything and I have the day off, so here I am. I'd go swimming, but there are just too God damn many people at the pool, and I hate that. I'm still really confused about Jack, I wonder if any of whatever it is that's been going on between us has meant anything to him. Mom actually kind of asked what our deal was the other day, and I couldn't honestly say I knew. I wouldn't tell her if I did, probably, but I seriously didn't even know how to put it into words. I don't know what more I'm expecting, though, from a relationship that developed from me going into a certain place at a certain time, and talking to a certain guy. I know almost all relationships develop from something so random, but this almost seems a little more random than most. I mean, we did (do?) have something of a relationship, though, right? We were at least kind of friends, right? I hate that it's all so vague, and think it's too bad that we're both masters of vagaries, and brush-offs. Not exactly the best type of people to really have any kind of honest, open relationship, right? I also hate how easy it can be for one person to feel and think one thing, while another doesn't at all. Yet again, I feel guilt for how I treated Trevor. A tiny part of me saw this whole thing going to hell a mile away, I shouldn't have ignored it. It's funny, the same Monday I felt totally rejected by Jack, 3 other guys totally hit on me. I just don't understand how this works, but I find a bit of comfort in knowing that no one really does. I've been trying to reach out to others more, to be more social. I even struck up a conversation with one of my Austrian cousins, whom I haven't talked to in years. It helps me practice my German, plus he's actually working in Japan right now, and I'm totally chewing his ear to get his impressions of the place. I have to admit, I envy him a bit for working in one of the most beautiful, amazing places on Earth, but he says he barely gets to see any of it, he's so busy. I think the pace of my life is manic enough, with all the shit I either pile on my own shoulders or have piled on for me. I'm so grateful for Mark and Danny, though, quite possibly the only 2 people in the world I have almost no reservations in front of. I kind of talk to Mom, but there's only so much I can tell her. Trust me, if it doesn't conform to her world view, she won't listen. I can't talk to Dad at all, really. He's decided he wants to come back up here the second week of September, and in all honesty, it was hard enough having him here before. I don't like him treating me like a little girl or an idiot, which seems to be the only way he knows to interact with his daughter. Obviously, I haven't shown him the part of me that can hang just as well with the guys, if not do better than them. I almost hope he decides against coming here again. I was glad that at least I'll have already gone to watch Jack play before he gets here. I guess that's it for right now. Thanks for reading.
Today's song is "Wait and bleed" by Slipknot- AWESOME!!!!!!!
BYE!!!!!!!!!!
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