Birthday and sadness

HEY!!!
Good morning, everyone. I'm sorry I've been so lax with this, but my life seems to have gotten more out of hand than it was the last time I bitched about it. I'm going to start with the positive, though. I had my 30th birthday almost a month ago, and felt very loved because so many of my friends and all of my family were there for me and wished me a happy birthday. I can't fucking believe I'm that old already, it doesn't feel like it, believe me. Cassie and Cory are turning 24 very soon, which also seems crazy. Things have been going great at work, though I'm always sick of it. All right, now comes the negative shit that I try not to dwell on but can't help it. I haven't talked much to Jack lately, because I'm really afraid of upsetting his girlfriend. He has a new girlfriend, and she is super possessive of him. She's always posting pictures of them, one kind of like the one above was one of the first. He was single for a couple of months, and once again, I fucking blew it. This was my almost exact expression and thought when I found out about them, because he didn't tell me. It hurts every time I see them so happy together. I think we were close to having something together, but it's not going to happen now. I miss him, and am afraid of what's going to happen to our friendship now. Am I going to have to cut him out entirely from my life? I've tried so hard to act like this doesn't hurt, but it's made me cry a few times. I just hate how things have turned out between us. I hate that he made me so happy, can always make me laugh, and I might not ever be able to see him again. I realize I pushed him away a lot of times and put my job and family ahead of him, but I didn't know what else to do. I've apologized often for not making more time for him, but it doesn't seem to help after doing it for 5 years straight. I'm also worried about Cory, he got caught drinking again and is being sent to rehab for up to 3 months. It's a rehab facility that's close, so at least I can go see him, but it hurts to think that my little brother is enough of an alcoholic that he needs to be sent to this place where they force him to quit drinking. I hope it helps him. I hate to think that he's being sent away just as our relationship was finally getting better again, I'm going to miss him. I always think I could have been a better sister to him, but he didn't always let me in like Mark does, and that's why we weren't as close. He's finally letting me in now, but it took years to get here. I talked to him last night and he said so far all he's really done is watch bad TV and wait to be sent to a place he doesn't want to go. He made me laugh when he said how watching TV there just reminded him how much he fucking hates commercials, it was so good just to hear his voice. I know things with my family probably wouldn't be so good if I hadn't kept Jack at arms' length so much to focus on them, but now things with him have gone entirely to hell and I don't know what to do. I was struggling for years to find that balance and I guess I finally failed. I know how important my family is and always will be to me, but Jack was important too. I think that's all for now.
Today's song is "Vampires will never hurt you"- by My Chemical Romance
BYE!!!!!!

Glad to be back

HEY!!
Good morning, everyone. I'm going to try to write more again and not let myself get overwhelmed with all the shit I'm supposed to do. I was thinking about that music video I was talking about last time, and in it Jack makes a lot of hand gestures that I do, just like I do. It's just funny to think we even do the same stupid things with our hands when we sing or talk. I still very much want to go back to Tokyo again, I think I will. I already feel like I need a vacation, but will have to wait at least until I can go to the beach with Cassie again. I think that's going to be very nice once I'm actually there. I think I just want to shut my cell phone off for a few hours and sit quietly by the water. It would nice if I could bring myself not to think about things, but I wouldn't count on that. I think that's all for today. Thank you so much for reading.
Today's song  is " A Tout Le Monde" by Megadeth
BYE!!!!!!

New music, friends, family, and joy

HEY!!!
Good morning, everyone. I was just watching a music video Jack's band released a couple of weeks ago, and it's really good. The song is even better, but I love watching his face in the video most of all. He gets this look of " Yeah!! I got that perfectly" on his face a couple times in the video and it's very funny to me. It's nice to know someone else's face that well, you know? I know how seriously he takes his music though, so I won't make fun even gently anymore. I was talking to Mike about Jon's death and how I'd never lost a friend before, and he said "I care about you unconditionally, I've always got a shoulder to cry on and I'm here anytime." I needed to hear that, but it almost made me cry in front of him, which I never want to do. I just need to be reminded sometimes that I'm not in this alone, and (hopefully) never will be. I guess I had been feeling a little lonely because I've been so busy, and it was nice to talk to him. I can't wait to spend time with my family again, it's amazing to see just how close we've become. This reminds me of the conversation Jack and I had after he lost his dad, about needing to stay close to the people you love, give them your time, and not take them for granted. He felt he wasn't as good a son as his dad deserved, and that he didn't give him all the time and attention he could have, I told him he'd been an amazing son and it's very obvious how much his entire family, not just his dad, loves him. I couldn't bring myself to say (again) that I love him at that point, he already knows anyway. I definitely want to go back to Tokyo, and October is looking good. I need to get planning, though. I want to go to Odaiba, The Ghibli Museum, and spend more time in Shibuya, particularly at Shibuya 109 and The Mugiwara Store, where they have life size statues of all the characters. I'm so pissed at myself for not knowing about this the last time I was there. I'll be taking some pictures of and with these guys for sure. ^_~  

 I think that's it for now. Thank you for reading.
Today's song is "Prelude 12/21" by AFI
BYE!!!!!!!

I've been gone too long

HEY!!!
Good morning, everyone. I'm incredibly sorry it's taken me so long to get my ass back here. I have no other excuse than things got crazy. One of the people I'm taking care of is most likely on her deathbed right now and another had a stroke a few weeks ago. That was a very depressing opening, I'm sorry. I'm doing well otherwise, as is my family and everyone else I love. Jack invited me to another show. I swear he's the only who never gives up on me. I had to get my computer repaired again, and had to get a new cell phone, the old one died.. I got into another argument with my dad over why I'm not married, I just don't know why this matters so much to him. It's my business and I want him to let me make up my own mind about how I want to live and what I want to do. I need to quit talking about my dad, it just pisses me off. I'm going to the show to see Jack, I need to see him. He seems much more like himself again, but his dad's death still hurts him a lot. Mom made it safely home from Austria, and seems really glad to be back. I just wish it had been a more fun trip for her. I'm also seriously considering going back to Tokyo in October, and I really want to go. There's still shit I didn't get to see or do and I don't want to regret not gong and doing those things while I had the chance. I'm going to see Cassie and the rest of my family in a few weeks for my birthday party, I'm looking forward to just having a little break. She also already asked when we're going to the beach together, and I'd like to go ass soon as possible, assuming I don't get sunburned again. I think that's it for right now. Thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is "Mama" by My Chemical Romance
BYE!!!!!

  

Sad times

 HEY!!!
Good morning, everyone. Blessed Imbloc to all my fellow Wiccans. I'm sorry I haven't written in a while, but life seems to get crazier every day. First of all, I broke my finger by accidently slamming it in the car door as I was getting out for work on Thursday. I've never broken any bones before, and this hurts so much worse than anything I've felt before. I was really distracted and not thinking or paying attention as closely as I should have, and feel so stupid. I don't want to complain too much, because something so much worse happened to Jack Saturday morning. I wake up hearing my cell phone ringing, realize it's him, pick up, and the first sound I hear is him trying to stifle a sob. It's heartbreaking to hear someone you love cry, and this cut very deep because he's always been able to cheer me up when I'm unhappy. His dad had a heart attack and died, I didn't even know what to say to him so I just mostly listened until he calmed down a little. His dad was a huge influence on him and his hero in a lot of ways. It would be like me losing my mom. His dad raised him and his brother after their parents got divorced. It forced me to think a lot about us and what (I think) we've come to mean to each other in the 5 or so years that we've known each other. I also really wish I could do more for him, We had a bit of a cry over the phone, because I'm still trying to deal with Jon's death and it still hurts. I like that we could commiserate. He invited me to a show with him and his brother, I'm going. I need to spend time with him, no question. I went to Comic Con with Mark and Danny, and it was awesome.  Those three guys prove once again how invaluable they are to me, I couldn't live without them and their love. I love so much that they share things with me and let me be myself. I think that's it for now. Thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is "Welcome to the Black Parade" by My Chemical Romance
BYE!!!

Trying to heal

HEY!!
Good morning, everyone. I'm just sitting here thinking and trying to focus on the good things I have. Danny texted me the other day asking if I was going to Comic Con on the 31st, and if he and Mark might join me. Again, I said yes. I think is something I need. Like my time spent with Jack, it serves to remind me that I have people who care about me and want to be with me. I need that so much. I still miss Jon, his funeral is coming up. I'm not sure if I can bare that, to be honest with you. For once I'm almost thinking of my workload as a good thing, as it keeps me occupied so much of the time. I find it funny that Jack and my brothers have come to my rescue again, I can't tell you how much I love them and how immensely grateful I am for them. Jack said his band's music helped someone out of their depression, someone who'd been suicidal, and it makes me so happy to hear that. I've said this before, but I absolutely believe music has the power to save lives. I think that's it for now. Thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is " Prelude 12/21" by AFI
BYE!!

Sad day

Good morning, everyone. Do you remember my friend, Jon? The one with cancer? He died last night. He was in another state for treatment so a lot of his friends didn't get to say goodbye to him. At least his family was with him at the end. He was only 28 fucking years old, this seems so unfair and it makes me so sad. It's so weird to think that someone I'd known the better part of my life is gone. I can't even imagine what his family is going through right now. I miss him, he was always smiling and trying to make other people laugh. I really wish I could have said goodbye. The only good thing about this is he isn't in pain anymore, but it still seems so wrong to know he's dead. I still remember him being this silly, grinning blond kid when I met him. God, it's really tough to talk about him without crying. Fuck it, I'm crying like a baby.   I think the last thing I'm going to say about him is goodbye my friend, I love and miss you.

Today's song is "Funeral for yesterday" by Kittie
Bye

So tired

HEY!!!
Good morning, everyone. This has to have been one of the busiest, craziest weeks of my life. Jack asked if I'd like to a show with him, Megan, Mike, and Tori. It's going to be so cool to be at a show with him that he won't have to play. Obviously, I said I'd go. ^_~ I didn't expect  this to come up, but I'm so glad it did. I kind of felt that we needed to do something together, and this is a perfect choice. I think he also felt how stressed out I've been, and wants to help. I've been working so much and it feels nice to have something other than work to look forward to. Mom is safely in Austria and called me this morning, it was awesome. I'm kind of wanting to go on another vacation, but don't have the money right now.  I haven't gotten around to planning or deciding anything yet as far as vacations go, but I'll figure it out in time. I think that's it for right now, thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is "I don't love you" by My Chemical Romance
BYE!!!!!!!!

 

New year ^_^

HEY!!!
Good morning and happy new year, everyone. I had an amazing Christmas and a great New Year's Day. New Year's Day was a lot more chill than Christmas, but both were incredibly fun and awesome. I'm starting to feel better, but this cold is not gone yet. I think I've been pushing myself a little too hard again and it's just finally catching up with me. Jack invited me to another show in a couple of weeks, and I'm not sure I'll be able to go. My friend Jerid also invited me to a few parties, and I seriously doubt I'll have time for either. I feel horrible telling either of them no since they're some of the nicest, most incredible men I know. But again, my job and family have to take priority over fun. I still kind of hate myself for bailing on these guys again, though. I feel like I should have learned some secret to making all this shit work by now and I'm just stupid because I have no idea what to do half the time. I love all these people, and have very little time to ever really spend with them. Mark said something about how sorry he is that he always hangs around me and how much I get roped into helping our mom. I don't mind, in fact I love hanging out with Mark, I just wish I had more time to do everything I want and need to do. I had another argument with my dad, again about why I'm not married. I swear to God I'm done talking to him about this. He said he doesn't want to me to be lonely, but I think he just can't give up the notion that I'm "supposed" to be married by this age. I'm seriously not sure I'm ever going to get married and he's going to have to learn to live with it. I hate the idea of him acting like he has any right to tell me how to live, too. Mom doesn't do that and she actually does have that right because she's always fucking been here for me. Like I said before, I love my mom endlessly, no matter how we might disagree or how much she might annoy me sometimes. I also hate that Dad made fun of Jack, the one guy I'd really like to be with. I don't think he'd really approve of any guy I dated, let alone Jack. Yet, Jack knows and understands me better than Dad. I need to clam down. Mom is leaving for Austria tomorrow morning, and seems really excited. I think she needs a break and to spend time with her mom and sister. I can't imagine how much she must miss them sometimes. I think that's it for right now, thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is "Torch Song" by AFI
BYE!!!!!!