Happy. ^_^

HEY!!!!!

I'm fairly happy right now, I'm going to spend at least most of the day with Cassie. I'm also going to watch The Hobbit tomorrow, and am really looking forward to it. I told Jack about that, and he did this fucking hilarious Gollum impression that made me laugh so hard I almost couldn't breathe. I LOVE HIM!!!!!! I have to say for the billionth time how lucky I am to have met him and Mike. Obviously, I'm a pretty happy girl right now. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss the shit out of Mike and Jack, but I'm so glad I still just get to talk to them. I'm listening to their new song right now, it's amazing. Part of me still kind of wonders what I did to deserve such awesome friends, but I'm glad they're mine. Cassie called yesterday, after having a really shitty day. I tried to cheer her up, but don't think anything I said really helped. I really hope she's feeling better today. She said she wants to do some baking and chating while she's here. ^_^ I love that we can be friends. I guess that's really all for today. I kind of said a lot last time.
Today's song is "Hear you me" by Jimmy Eat World

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Back again ^_^

HEY!!!!!!!!

Today's the last day of my vacation already, God damn it. I had a decent Christmas, and was very glad everything went well. This time seems to have gone by way too fucking fast, and I hate it. I've been on the phone almost non-stop with Cassie since I woke up, which is funny considering how we used to fight.  We just saw each other yesterday, you know? I'd be lying if I said it didn't make me happy to have my little sister back. She's coming to my place on Saturday, too. ^_^  I have to say again how grateful I am to have people who love me, though I sometimes feel unworthy of it. I've been kind of keeping an eye on Cory, just to make sure he doesn't get himself in trouble again. So far, everything is all right. I heard from Mike Monday morning, and just laughed my ass off at what he said. He does this fucking pitch perfect Yoda impression that kills me every time, and he knows it. Again, I'm so lucky to have who I have in my life. I really have to ask myself what I could have possibly done to deserve such an amazing sister and a friend who'll call me up from halfway across the country just to cheer me up. I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!!!!! Mike is a really amazing guy, I'm so glad I met him. I'm grateful to Jack for introducing us. I LOVE HIM!!! Mike is even nerdier deep down than Jack, and doesn't try so hard to hide it.  I kind of needed to be cheered up, though I don't know how Mike knew that.

My dad called again, trying to get me to invite him up here again, and I won't. Am I being cold? I don't know if I can make you understand what it was like having him for a dad, when one of my earliest memories is of him beating the shit out of Mom and Danny and I hiding under my bed because we were too small and weak to do anything about it. He was never there for us, and I sometimes feel the only reason my life is good at all is because Mom finally left him and we all got away from him. Unlike Mike, who just wanted to talk and make me laugh, he only called because he wanted something. I'm not angry at him so much anymore, but it's going to be a hell of a long time before I can forgive him, if I ever truly can. It bugs the living shit out of me that he dares to try to illicit sympathy from me, when for over 10 years he mights as well not have even had a daughter. He didn't even want Mom to have me, to be honest with you. I prefer to be with people who are actually fucking glad I'm alive, thanks. Sorry, I'm venting again. The truth is, I've never really told anyone this before. It's not something I really want my friends to know, obvviously.  I just want them to be happy they're my friends and I'll be happy I'm their friend. This makes me think again of Mike, who took me in soley because of some shit Jack told him. It's kind of nice that he doesn't need to know everything about me to know he likes me, you know?  I guess that's really it for right now. Thanks for reading and letting me vent again. I love you guys for letting me go on like this.

Today's song is " Vampires will never hurt you" by My Chemical Romance

BYE!!!!!!

Leaving soon ..

HEY!!!!!!!!

 

After this, I really need to get my shit together and head over to Mom's house. As this will be the last time I have to myself for a while, however, I'm going to write here. I want to do so much traveling next year, but don't know if I can afford to take the time off or if I really want to spend what it would cost to go everywhere I want to go. My aunt and grandma have been practically begging for us to come see them, and Mark and Mom have been talking about going to check out London and Paris from there. I also want at least to go back to Tokyo, though I'd love to see Kyoto again, too. Part of me feels like I'm pathetic for just working all the time and having little else in my life, and that's why I feel like I need to do this. It's also partially because of Jack, I hate that I won't be able to see him whenever I want to anymore. You might say I'm trying to get away from him. He and the guys are probably going to move now that they've got their record deal, and I feel like I should do something different,too. I sound kind of ridiculous, don't I? I miss the shit out of him. I hate that I waited so long to finally come clean with him about my feelings, I should have been brave for once in my fucking life and told him how I felt. I regret that so much, but there's nothing I can do about it now. I LOVE HIM!!!! I still owe him for unintentionally scaring off Trevor, too. ^_~ The truth is, when Cassie and I were in Japan, I was trying to get away from him, too. I liked him but didn't think he'd ever like me, so I didn't say anything. I've lived like this for too long, and it's painful. He's moving on, and I need to, also. I hate looking like this every time I see or even hear from him. It's unfair to me, and something of an annoyance to him, I'm sure. I guess that's really it for right now. Thanks for reading, love you guys. ^_^ 
Today's song is "Thank you for the venom" by My Chemical Romance

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's the end of the world...not

HEY!!!!!!!!

Good morning, guys. I'm actually in a fairly good mood today, if only because I finally get some time to myself. I'll be spending time with Mom, Mark, and Danny for a while over my all too brief vacation, though. Cassie's working, though Cory might come see us for Christmas. Admittedly, things are better with my family now than they probably ever have been, but it's still going to be stressful having all of us under 1 roof again, even for a little while. I should also add an early Merry Christmas and so forth to everyone. I've heard a little bit from Jack, but it's mostly just about how happy he is about the direction his band is taking.  I'm really glad to hear him at all anymore, to be honest. I still have this fear that he and Mike are going to ditch me when their band really gets going, and I hate it. I don't like the idea that I'm kind of disposable at all. I just hate knowing how unequal our relationships are, though I was joking around with them yesterday and it felt really good. I'm happy for them, and really hope they stick around. I'm happy with the way things are going for my family, too. I'm really glad that the last few times I've talked to Cory we ended the conversation with and "I love you", and a hug. I really just want a happy, peaceful, quiet little life with the ones I love. That shouldn't be so difficult, right? I guess that's really all there is for right now. Thanks for reading this, and love you guys.
Today's song is "This time imperfect" by AFI

BYE!!!!!!!!! 

I don't even know anymore

HEY!!!!!!!!!!
I want first to share my sadness and horror at the massacre in Newton, CT. I heard that the shooter was considered a "goth", and want to say HE WAS NOT. Goths wouldn't act like this, so don't associate a murderer with us true goths. I just want to be clear on that. Alright, now I'll get back to the normal shit I talk about here. Jack called last night, overwhelmingly happy, because they've got their record deal. I'm still kind of absorbing it. I can't believe it's really happening, I'm both happy for them and terrified of what this might mean for my friendships with Jack and Mike. I know I'm being selfish, but I don't care. I was incredibly glad that we could still talk about normal shit, too; like how much he loved the copy of "The Dark Knight Rises" someone got him as an early Christmas present. We were kind of nerding out after that, and it made me so happy. I just don't want these things to change, that's all. I can't tell you how happy I was just hearing his voice, you know? I got more praise at work last week, my boss said I'm "fabulous". It's nice to be praised and appreciated, but it'd be nice to get paid more, too. ^_~ I also despreately fucking want to go back to Japan, so much so that it's almost unbearable. I kind of feel like this might be something I need to do while I still have the chance and am young and unattached. Then, I think it might just be that I'm running away from my responsibilities here. I admit that I do feel a little overwhelmed by things sometimes, my family to be more specific. Mom and Mark call almost every day, and it gets to be a little much when all I want to do is relax when I come home and they're calling and bickering over stupid shit and expecting me to somehow sort it out for them. That is really not my responsibility, right? Those 2 are exactly the same, each always has to be right and then they drag me into it to be their referee. I'm sorry, I know I've bitched about this before, but it still bugs the shit out of me. It went fairly well working for my client who just got out of the hospital, it was good to see she's getting a little better at least. A phsical therapist had to come in and help me a lot, though. I wasn't going to be moving her at all without checking to see that it wouldn't hurt her, you know? I really am trying to do my best with everything, it's just so hard to juggle it all sometimes. I'm also going to miss the hell out Jack for that reason, he made me feel more relaxed. I guess that's really all there is for now. Thanks for reading, love guys. ^_^ 
Today's song is "Forever and a day" by AFI

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Back in black, lol

HEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm glad to be back again. I'm not really feeling any better today. The one good thing I can say is that hearing from Mike this morning cracked me up. He was being so funny and cute. I'm glad to see he and Jack doing so well. The fact remains that I miss the shit out of both of them. I love it when he and Jack let their nerdy sides show around me, it makes me feel like less of a nerd. I heard from that guy, Steven, again. He sends me these messages every God damn day. I just seem to have the habit of attracting the guys I don't want while the one guy I want to be with is most likely going to slip through my fingers. It's funny, Jack looks a lot like that when he plays. ^_^ I wish I hadn't been such a fucking wuss and told him how I felt over a year ago, when I had the chance. I knew pretty quickly how I felt and should have told him. I know I only have myself to blame for this, but IT SUCKS. How could I have made such a fucking mess of things? How many guys like that do you think I'm going to find? That was a once in a lifetime opportunity, and I fucking blew it. After knowing him for a few months, I knew I liked him. Now, it's almost been 3 years and it's too late. I'm not going to let myself be distracted by him at work tomorrow, I can't afford to. I'm going to help Mark with his English homework today, though I don't think he really needs my help and just wants to hang out. I guess that's about it for right now. I want to say thanks again for letting me vent.
Today's song is "A devil for me" by Black Veil Brides
BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I need a hug

HEY!!!!!!
I really feel like I need a hug right now. I'm really happy and really sad at the same time. I'm happy because things are going amazing at work for myself and Jack; and sad that I haven't seen him in months already. His band's probably going to have a record deal by the end of this year, which is amazing. I'm terrified once he's all famous, he'll forget me. I still find it fucking incredible that I even know this guy, to be honest with you. I can't believe we met almost 3 years ago. I find it kind of sad that the best I can hope for is a raise at work while when he works, he gets people cheering for him and girls falling all over themselves for him. How is it that I still feel unworthy of him? I don't even know. I had to be really happy and encouraging when he and Mike called to tell me about it, but I sincerely hope they don't know I was kind of faking it for their sakes. I'm afraid to lose more friends, and I don't know if they really understand how much their friendship and mere presence in my life has meant to me. I also feel like a sad little woman who has nothing but work in her life, and neglects everyone and everything she truly cares about for its sake. I feel like I should go to Japan and visit my cousin who's working there, but I know I can't. The client I told you about who got into a horrible accident is home now, and I'm going to be working for her again Monday. Obviously, I couldn't leave someone who just got out of the hospital.>_>  I miss my family, too. Mark is kind of pissed that I told him I could only help him with his homework once a week, I'm just too God damn busy. He has a right to be angry, believe me. I promised him I'd help, and don't want to flake out on him like this. I think I'm going to have a problem with that guy I told you about last time, who sent me that message on Facebook. I get a new message from him every day, and I keep telling him I'm not interested. I feel like it was a mistake to contact him at all, I need to quit doing that. I guess all it takes to make a guy think I'm interested is sending him a friend request on FB. I knew he had something of a crush on me in high school, but that was such a long fucking time ago I thought he definitely would have moved on by now. I don't feel like I'm worth waiting 8 years for, you know? I guess that's really it for right now. Thanks for letting me vent again, love you guys.
Today's song is  "People=shit" by Slipknot
BYE!!!!!!!!!!!! 

The drama continues......

HEY!!!!!!!
First of all, THANK YOU to my newest followers, I love you all. I've had another unbelievable week, it's been crazy. I friended one of my former classmates on Facebook a couple of days ago, and yesterday when I came home I got this message from him that kind of creeped me out. He said"I've always had I crush on you, I was so happy when you sent me the friend request. Do you want to go out sometime?" I had to reject him, but this is getting to be too much. One of my cousins who's working in Japan right now actually invited me to come and see him, but I also had to tell him no. I'm so jealous of him, I've been bitching a lot lately about how much I want to go to Japan again. I WILL go back, if I can ever get the time off work. I was actually asked if I want more clients, and I had to decline for my own good. I never seem to have any time to myself anymore, even for little things like this. I've been working so hard and so much lately, it feels like I do nothing else. I can't believe this has become my life, you know? I'm very tempted to just sit here and wallow in self-pity right now, but I won't. I heard from Jack, he's so excited that he gets to play where some of his favorite bands have played. It was difficult being sad when I talked to him, it usually is. I miss the hell out of him, though. I got to see Cory a few times this week, and he seems all right. I just wish I could quit worrying so much about him doing something else to get himself in trouble again. I hate that he always tells me not to worry when he knows that's all I do.On the plus side, I did get some praise at work; my boss said I'm "amazing." I couldn't help but be happy about that. ^_^  I have a good work ethic and I don't fuck around at work, that's all it is. Cassie got really mad at Cory when she found out he'd gotten in trouble, she started yelling at him and said" How is it that everyone in this family's got their shit together but you?" She hasn't talked to him since, and won't until he gets his life together, she says. That must be difficult for them, they were really close not too long ago. Mom says she stays up and worries about him at night, which (obviously) is bad. I can't believe it's already December, this year just seems to be running away from me. I guess that's really it for today. I just needed to vent a bit, and this has become my place to do that.
Today's song is "Kasumi" by Dir en grey

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!