Ouch..again

HEY!!!!!!!

I got kicked off of my former friend Melody's Facebook friends list, ouch. I can't believe this, she and I had been friends since we were in junior high. I knew our relationship had become kind of strained over the last few years, but I never thought it had become so bad that we couldn't even be friends on fucking Facebook anymore. I was at her wedding for fuck's sake. I don't know, maybe that's part of it. She doesn't think I'm a real adult because I'm not married and I don't have kids. I just feel really bad right now. I know I'm partially to blame here, I should have made more time for her. I really considered her one of my best friends, even though we didn't talk very much for a while. I just thought she'd be too busy with her kid, husband, and job to really want to spend any time with me. Maybe I should have at least invited her to have some fucking coffee with me or something. I tried talking to her, to make it up to her and she said there's really nothing I can do; we've simply grown apart too much. This sucks so much. I can't believe I've lost another fucking friend. I've got to make more of an effort to keep what few friends I still have. For example, I got a Facebook message from Jack yesterday, and immediately answered him. I'm so God damn glad he's still talking to me, but I worry every day about losing him, too. I swear, it's not that I haven't made an effort to keep in touch and stay close to the people I love. Sometimes, it's just impossible to reach out to everyone. Maybe the problem is with me. I know eventually I'm going to have to "grow up" and get married and all that shit, but there's still SO much I want to do on my own before that happens. Okay, I need to calm down. On a totally unrelated topic, I've started watching the "Black Butler" anime, it's awesome.  I totally dig Sebastian. I really do watch too much anime, but I love it. I've been considering just going all otaku one day when I have some free time, and getting a bunch of anime shit. Then, I think to myself that there are a lot of other, "better" things I could be doing with the money I'd spend on anime shit I don't really need. That sounds a hell of a lot more like Mom than me, though. I think she's influenced me way too much. I love her, but it's hard to keep her voice out of my head when I'm making decisions sometimes.  I still have some issues with her too, obviously. I really don't know sometimes who's really to blame when it comes to issues with family and friends. I'd like to think it's a 50/50 split and that both parties could be equally at fault, but I don't know. I really hope Mom knows how much I love her, despite our issues and differences of opinion. I guess that's really all there is for now. Thanks so much for reading. ^_^ I can't tell you how awesome it is that anyone gives a rat's ass what I think or have to say about anything.
Today's song is"The Beautiful People" by Marylin Manson

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!

FINALLY back

HEY!!!!!!

I'm really glad to be back again. I swear to God, every last second of this week has been spent either working, eating, or sleeping. I barely had time to go to the fucking grocery store so I'd have something to eat, that's how crazy busy I've been. On the other hand, Jack and the guys are finally back. ^_^ Yet again it makes me question what kind of couple we'd be; I'd go fucking nuts every time he leaves for a tour. I want to thank you guys for reading, even though I haven't written in about a week. Love my readers!!! I'm finally able to talk to Cassie with at least a semblance of normalcy again, and I'm glad. I still don't like the dynamics of our relationship, relationships are supposed to be equal. I leave for Canada Friday morning, so I don't think I'll be able to write again until I get home. You don't know how much I'm looking forward to this trip. I'll be getting a new co-worker when I get home, her name's Jessica and she seems awesome. I hope we get along well, and that she actually stays here. I miss Heather. I wish we'd gotten to know each other better before she had to move. Okay, I guess it doesn't do any good to dwell on that shit. Jack seems really happy on the plus side, at least that's the impression I got from the few times I've talked to him since he got home. I was doing my jog/walk routine again, hear someone honking their horn, and guess who I see grinning and waving; Jack. Most beautiful sight ever!!!!! God damn, that made me happy. I love this guy so much. I owe him for making my day yet again. He said he owes me for being one of the first to give his band a chance and for being so enthusiastic in my support of them, so I guess we're even now. I'm so fucking glad I met him. I also finally got to see my best friend again. ^_^ This has been one hell of a week. I'm glad that I at least got to spend a few minutes with Jack and Angela, I really felt like I was neglecting them and hated it so much. I still haven't spent the time with them that I'd like, but it's something. I love them both, and want to make sure they know it. He looks even better since I haven't seen him in a while. ^_~    I guess that's really all there is for right now, you guys are up to date on what's going on with me.
Today's song is "The leaving song pt. 2" by AFI

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, just a few more days

HEY!!!!!

The title of today's entry is what I keep telling myself, it's only a few more days until Jack and the guys get back home. I heard a new song of theirs yesterday, and it's amazing. I know it probably seems ridiculous, but I still can't help doing the fan girl thing whenever I hear them play. I just automatically look like this. I'm glad at least that Jack and Mike aren't mean and act like they don't know the girl spazing out in the front row of their shows; the few I've gone to, that is. I'm leaving for Canada in about 2 weeks and really hope to get some time in with Jack, I miss this guy so much it's pathetic. I worry that I'm alienating him and a lot of other people by keeping so much to myself and not being as warm and open with them as they deserve. I had an interesting day Wednesday; Cassie left her phone in one of her classrooms at school, and guess who the professor who found it called. This girl right here, while she was on her way to work. >_> I pulled over to take the call, and then had to figure out a way to get Cassie her stupid fucking phone back without driving the 200 or so miles round trip that it would take me to get up to her place and back home. I know she wouldn't do well without her phone. What really pissed me off is that she didn't even thank me for helping her out. I texted her best friend(and roommate)  and asked if there were any way she could pick it up and bring it to Cassie, which she was nice enough to do. Yet again, I feel a little under appreciated. I was almost late for work, go to trouble I didn't have to, and she can't even say thanks. Maybe I should just quit trying to be her friend, this is just fucking stupid. Am I wrong to be mad at her for this? Would she have done the same thing for me? Yet another of my relationships that seems horribly unequal. Maybe things would be different if I hadn't always been there for her and been helpful to her. She takes me for granted, you know? Why do I feel again like I'm getting fucked over for being the responsible older sister? Okay, I'm just getting pissed again thinking about it. I think I need to go do something else.
Today's song is "People=shit" by Slipknot

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sisters......

HEY!!!!!!!!!!!!

I went to Cassie's yesterday and it went better than I might have expected at first. We talked for a little while and then decided since it was so hot it would be a good idea to get some swimming in before it gets too cold. It was fun, though at first I was still angry and threw myself into it a little bit too much. I haven't forgiven her completely; especially because she posted these picutres of us in our swimsuits on Facebook, looking all happy. She just made it look like we're totally fine, you know? I still love Cassie, but I hate that she did that. Am I over-reacting to this? I'd never make her feel like she's just a stand in for someone else. I guess Cassie and I will be fine eventually, but I think I need at least another week to cool off.  I guess that's it for right now. I just wanted to update you guys on my little trip.
Today's song is "Teenagers" by My Chemical Romance.

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry, I was wrong

HEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was wrong; I can write today, too. I'm going to go to Cassie's after all, she's still my sister. I will want her to apologize for what she did, though. It's not too much to ask that she apologize for using us like that, is it? The last thing she said to me when I left her place that night was "I love you, and I miss you", which really got to me. This is at least part of the reason I'm going up there today. I at least believe she meant that, because she was almost crying when she said it. I don't think she wanted me to leave. She said I could stay at her place if I wanted to. I do think she gets kind of lonely sometimes, and I understand that. I think she and her best friend have worked out their problem. I guess she thinks her friend sleeps around too much and doesn't like or agree with it. I understand that, too. I guess she should be glad her sister isn't like that. ^_~ I want us to be sisters and friends, for the billionth time. There's got to be some way to make this happen. Fuck if I know what it is, though. I'm dying to hear from Jack again, he's still on tour and super busy. I'm just glad he's more or less himself again. In just about a week and a half they'll be back, thank God. I guess this is what it feels like when someone doesn't have much time for you, it sucks ass. I miss his smile and his laugh. I miss his sometimes very random observations about things, and weird little things that he does. I feel so guilty if I ever made him feel like this. I really hope I didn't make him feel like this, I never want to hurt him. I think another reason Cassie wants me to come up to see her is that yesterday was the 1 year anniversary of her friend Frankie's death, and she's going to be sad and won't want to be alone. I'd be kind of a bitch if I left her alone today, right? I wish (again) that there were some way to juggle job, family, Jack, and friends. I love them all and want to be able to do everything for them that I possibly can. In the case of Cassie and Jack, though, I wish I could be sure they feel for me what I feel for them. Okay, I should be glad maybe that they feel anything for me at all. It's weird seeing Cassie that desperate emotionally, that she really wanted me to stay with her. She (obviously) trusts me with a lot of shit and knows I won't be too judgemental. I guess that's it for today. I have to get ready and get going to rescue my friendship with my sister.
Today's song is "Unbroken" by Black Veil Brides
BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Emo, lol

HEY!!!!!!!!

Just got home and already I'm writing, lol. I have a shit ton to tell you guys, so here we go. ^_~ I might not be here tomorrow, so that's another reason I'm here now. Mom actually got me a book about Wicca, I couldn't believe it. This means she finally accepts my choice of religion, though it took 5 years. Now, if only she'd accept my choice of man. ^_~ Speaking of Jack, he and I had the exact same feelings again. He, Sarah, and I did, actually. We even expressed those feelings the same day. We were saying we didn't really know how to properly express  what we feel half the time. It's weird thinking of Jack as being unable to express himself, usually he says exactly what's on his mind. Obviously, what's in his heart is a different story.  How sad is it that we can't seem to handle our own emotions? I felt bad for both of them, but relieved at the same time that I'm not the only one struggling to deal with things. I'm kind of glad that I'm not the only one who feels emotionally ill-equipped sometimes, you know? I feel really close to both of them again for sharing this with me. Jack seems to be more or less himself again, our song quote war rages on. I feel like I understand Jack perfectly sometimes, and not at all other times. I love him and Sarah. Cassie invited me up to her place tomorrow, and I'm not sure I should go. As a gesture of reconcilliation, I'll probably go. I'm still kind of pissed at her for what she did, though. I can't forgive that so easily, but she's still my sister. God damn it. I don't know how it's going to work out if I go tomorrow.  I hope we can at least have a decent fucking conversation. I'm watching Oliver sleep, he looks so peaceful and happy. I'm jealous, lucky cat. I wish I knew what Jack was having trouble expressing, it bugs me not knowing. Okay, trying to figure him out will take longer than I have here. I've just started watching the "Honey and Clover' anime, it's cute. It's funny, too. I can't wait to go to Canada, though I had to switch the date of the trip to the end of this month. I damn well better still get to go, though, I hate that I had to give up Jack's show already. I guess that's it for right now.
Today's song is "This time imprefect" by AFI (Still my favorite band^_^)

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

New post ^_^

HEY!!!!!!!!
I'm glad to be back again. I'm glad that Jack isn't pissed anymore, but now he's depressed. He won't tell me what it's about, either. I'm worried, he used to tell me things like this. I want to comfort him, but he doesn't always like it when I do that. He only wants comforting sometimes, you know? I don't get guys. >_> I know there are people who've been there for him a lot longer and a lot more than I have, so I don't blame him for wanting to go to them first, but it hurts. I guess I really haven't been there for him enough, God damn it. I'm not deliberately a bad friend, I swear. I hope we can still work on this. I hope he'll listen if I try to explain again. Although, the explanations always just sound like excuses. To be fair, there are people who've been there for me a lot longer and a lot more than he has, too. But I don't know if I've ever made his day like he's repeatedly made mine. I know he doesn't always like mushy shit like this, either, but I love it. I think he and I are a lot alike emotionally. He totally still has self-confidence issues too. You'd think those would go away after reaching adulthood, but in some ways my self confidence issues have just gotten worse. I hope he doesn't think I was just making excuses not to go to his show when I said I got sick and couldn't go. I didn't think he'd want to see me pucking so I just said I got sick, and told him not to come over. You can imagine how embarrassing it would for me if he saw that, right? He'd never fucking want to date me then. >_>

I really do hate how we've been kind of keeping each other at arms' length the past few months, I miss his gorgeous smile when he saw me. God, I wish I could see him now. Fucking tour!!!! I hope they get back soon. I really try to be understanding, but it's hard to buld a realtionship with a guy you never fucking see. I hope he at least knows how much I miss him. I'm still not talking to Cassie, I don't even know what to say to her. I wasn't technically supposed to know that she invited us as a back-up after someone else bailed on her, but her best friend let it slip. Should I just confront her about it? I hope if I do that we can work things out. I guess that's about it for right now.
Today's song is "She devil" by Megadeth

BYE!!!!!!!!

September already ...

HEY!!!!!

Sorry it's taken me so long to get back here again. I'll be losing a couple of my clients at work in about a month or so, they're moving to other cities where their families can take care of them. It's a good thing, I think; their families seem to really want them with them. I know of at least one new client I'll be assigned when I actually have time to work for her, so I'm not too worried about work. I am a bit worried about Jack, though.  He's just been really pissed off the last few times I talked to him. He said some of his friends haven't really been there for him like they're supposed to. I couldn't help but wonder if he meant me, because I was a no show at so many of the shows he invited me to. He didn't mention any names, but I really wonder if maybe deep down he is still mad at me. I tried to explain to him all the responsibilities I have and he seemed to get it, but maybe that wasn't really how he felt. If he's pissed at me, why would he bitch to me, right? He and I are both pretty deeply cynical and have trust issues, so I should know to be more careful with him. The only good thing I've heard him say is about his friend's band. He said I should check them out, and they're really good. I have to say again that if it weren't for music, I'd have no friends at all. >_> I've been feeling kind of isolated again, though. I ran into Craig at the record store again a few days ago after work and for the first time since I met him, he didn't have the whole eager puppy thing going on. He was with a couple of his friends( a guy and a girl) so I'm wondering if maybe that had anything to do with it. I was almost praying the girl was his girlfriend, but I kind of doubt it. They sure as hell didn't look like a couple. I hope he won't ask me out again. I hate to say so, but I really don't know if I could have a boyfriend right now. I always seem to have so many other things to deal with, largely because of my family. I seem to push Jack away every time he wants me around, and we're just friends. Am I a bad friend for doing that? What hope would we have as a couple if I can't even make it to his shows? God damn it!!!!!!! What's even worse is that Mom was kind of prowling my Facebook page yesterday, and saw his picture in my friends list. She said "This is your"friend"? He's kind of short and skinny, isn't he?" This short, skinny guy is one of the most amazing (and gorgeous) guys I've ever met. Fuck, why is it so hard to say that to his face? Obviously, since Mom doesn't have a very high opinion of his looks, I think that lowers her opinion of him personally even more. Throw in the fact that she doesn't approve of what he does, and it adds up to her basically hating him when she barely even knows his name. I've been talking a little more to the guy who hit me up on Vampirefreaks, and it's still weird knowing he's married. I'd never intended anything to happen with him, so why do I feel like maybe I shouldn't talk to him? He always calls me "hun", and I don't know if I should allow that, either. I haven't talked to Cassie in about a week, I'm still hurt and angry. But how could I not be, right? I don't want this to ruin our relationship, but this hurts me so much. I need some time to get over this. I guess that's it for right now.
Today's song is "This time imperfect" by AFI

BYE!!!!!!!!!