New poem

HEY!!
Not really in the mood for talking right now, but I've got a new poem for you and wanted to type it out.
I feel so confined,
I feel myself become ill-defined,
I fear I can't control,
The tumult in my soul,
The only peace I find
Is in my own mind.

Amazing week #2

HEY!!!!
 Sorry about neglecting this yet again, but I just have a shit-ton of things on my mind right now. I should get to the great part first, I think. Last night I got my tenth official invitation from Jack to come to another local show in a few weeks. They're coming home soon, and I can't fucking wait to see him again. Also, I noticed 2 new followers, holy shit. THANK YOU!!! Please people, keep reading. I can't tell you how happy I am that he invited me again, I was getting worried because I hadn't heard from him in a few days. It turns out Mike and I also both have a love of Edgar Allen Poe, we had this awesome little literary moment. Sarah's surgeries went well, though I think she's still afaraid they might find something wrong with her. I keep praying they won't. I don't know what she'd do if they did, she's already had so many problems. I should even be able to make it to their show, I'll be done with work and it won't take more than 35 minutes or so to drive there. Mom wants me to go to Paris and possibly London with her next spring which might be really fun, if it's not too fucking expensive. I know Grandma is dying to see me again, so I'd at least have to spend a couple days with her in Austria. I guess I could see my cousins again, too. ^_^  I need to practice my German a bit, then. It'd be more for than just working and hanging with Oliver, that's for damn sure. I guess that's it for right now.

BYE!!!!!!!!!

Far behind

HEY!!!!!!
SO sorry I've been neglecting this again. First of all, I'd like to offer sympathy and support to the families of the victims of the massacre in Aurora, Colorado. One of my friends lives there, and I don't know what I would have done if she'd been killed or hurt. It's also really weird because another friend of mine went to a midnight screening just like that one, but a local one. I'm SO glad he's all right, too. I love my friends and family, as I've said a billion times before. Sarah seems to be all right; though again, I suspect that's just a facade for others' benefit. I feel really stressed out again, I just can't seem to relax at all anymore. I hate when Mom will seem to be requesting that I do something, but really she'll more or less be ordering me to do it. She's kind of passive-aggressive, you know? I should be above all that shit by now maybe, but it's hard. If I decline her "request", then I end up feeling guilty and terrible. I have no idea what to do this, I don't want someone else running my life for me, but then if I say no I feel like I did something wrong. I generally dislike saying no to people, probably because I'm overly polite. I get annoyed and angry when I feel like I have to go along with her, though. I think I need to switch subjects now. Jack's band's doing great, I'm really proud and happy. I know I didn't really have anything to do with it, they got there because of their own talent and desire to succeed. I'm just glad to be their friend and to have had the honor of knowing them before they were rock stars. ^_~  Just kidding, they're not quite rock stars yet. ^_~ At least not in anyone's eyes but mine. I like the whole sharing thing we do, he'll share his music and I'll share my writings. I also love knowing that more than once we've felt and thought the exact same things. I obviously miss him so much it's pathetic, yet again. I just wish he missed me, too. Okay, I need to switch subjects again. Cassie came over and stayed the night Friday night, it was actually fairly fun. I'm glad she doesn't make me feel like she's judging me with every word she says anymore. I loved how we sat around and drank coffee Saturday morning, too. This is the kind of relationship I wanted to have with her from the beginning, you know? I feel bad for all the years we wasted fighting and being mean to each other. My emotions threaten to overwhelm me again, God damn it. Sorry, I need to relax. I guess that's it for right now.
Today's song is " Prelude 12/21" by AFI

BYE!!!!!!!!!!

Trying to stay calm

HEY!!!!!!

Sarah goes in for her surgeries today, and seems to be in fairly good spirits. It would be just like her to put on a really brave face while falling apart inside, though. I'm praying she'll come out of this all right. I'm dying for a break again too, believe it or not. I've only got to wait until Septemeber 8th, I'm fucking finally going to Canada. It's not going back to Japan, but it's going to have to do for right now. Jack's doing great it seems, being fawned over by different girls every day. I'm totally bitter and jealous, sorry. I don't know how this guy can such self confidence issues when it's so obvious he's gorgeous, and girls fall over themselves just to talk to him. I still can't believe I turned him down so many times, I'm a fucking idiot for that. I'm still grateful for my friendship with him, and glad he hasn't totally forgotten or given up on me. I had another dream last night where I was trying to explain or justify my feelings for him to my parents, it was not pretty. I know that Mom at least concedes that I have a right to love whichever guy I want, but I can almost bet she'd want me to pick another guy. I guess that's it for right now.
Today's song is " Them Bones" by Alice in chains

BYE!!!!!!!!

STRESSED OUT

HEY!!!!!!!!

Today is totally shaping up to be a "People=Shit" kind of day. I'm really worried about what's going to happen with Sarah's surgeries, and pray she'll be all right. I'm not just worried about how her loss would affect me personally, I worry more about her kids, husband, little brother, and parents. It's selfish and wrong to act like I'm the only one who'd be affected if anything were seriously wrong with her. The fact remains that she is one of my favorite people in the world and one of my absolute best friends, though.  She goes in for her surgeries tomorrow, and I'm guessing will let everyone know how it went when she knows more about it herself. I can't even imagine how she must be feeling right now. I heard some really bad news from Mike last night, too. It seems someone he knows died in a car accident while he was gone. Obviously, this got to him quite a bit. Poor guy, this isn't the first friend he's lost in a car accident. I can't imagine how he's feeling either, having never lost a friend. Apparently they got into some kind of fight before he left, and that was their last conversation. He 's feeling really guilty about that. I really wish I could hug him, if that would any good. I got a call from Mom this morning, she wanted to vent her anger at Dad for something he said when she called him. I swear to God, I have no idea how those 2 were ever married. They can't even have a decent phone conversation for fuck's sake!!!! Seriously, you'd have a hell of a time finding 2 people who are less suited for each other than those 2. I'm not going to be too tough on them, but I really wish that they wouldn't talk at all if all they do is argue when they talk. I'd just like to eliminate that little stress factor from my life, you know? I feel guilty knowing that the only reason they do talk is because of Danny and I. By the same token, I'm 27 and Danny is 31, they really don't need to play nice for our sakes anymore. I let Mom talk for a while, and admit, I've got the same problem with Dad. She said he was really patronizing, and he is with me, too. Thank God (again) for Danny, he's the only one who could really understand my feelings about our parents. Thank God also that I can actually talk to him about this shit. I love him very much. I also have to say that Mom is more understanding and supporitve, especially on the subject of Jack. She has no idea what it is I see in him, or why I put up with his shit, but she respects my choice to do so. I can't say for sure that she'd like him if she met him though, she and Dad would be on the same page, there. I guess that's it for right now. I actually feel a bit better now.
Today's song is "People-Shit" by Slipknot

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Scared

HEY!!!!

My little idea of taking Sarah somewhere totally didn't happen. I did finally get her to talk to me, though. She's going to need a few surgeries to find out exactly what's wrong with her intestines, and go from there. I feel terrible for her, I can't really do anything but offer support and love. I think it's good that she at last said something about what's going on. I sometimes hate myself for being unable to do more for anyone but offer support and love, it seems so inadequate. I really hope it's enough. It just reminds me of how pathetically weak and fragile people are, you know? I really hope Sarah's going to be okay. I think it helped for her to talk about it, at least if everything I think I know about psychology is true. It's supposed to help if you share your burdens with others. I'm just really worried and scared right now. I'm sharing that, see? ^_~ I hate that I can't help, if it turns out anything is wrong with her it's going to hurt more than almost anything I've ever felt in my life. She's become one of my absolute best friends, almost more like a sister. She never makes me feel small, or stupid like a lot of other people do. Okay, I'm going to start crying. I totally understand that she didn't want to go out today, she wanted to be alone. It was a pretty stupid idea, honestly. I'm just glad she's my friend. I guess that's it for right now. Thanks for reading. Also, before I forget, thanks for getting me past the 20,000 pageview mark. Today's song is "A tout le monde" by Megadeth

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rain ^_^

HEY!!!!!!

I'm glad to be here again. It's finally raining a little, and I'm grateful. Jack was saying he's kind of sick of touring, and eating nothing but junk food. I still miss him like crazy. Mike totally put a smile on my face with this stupid (but hilarious) picture of himself impersonating a DBZ character. I have to mention again, I LOVE these guys. I have to say too, I had no idea Mike was into anime at all. I'm still worried about Sarah, she'll talk about everything but about what's going on with her medically. I know I shouldn't prod her if she doesn't want to talk about it, but I can't help worrying. Mark is still freaking out about what's going to happen after he graduates and worrying he won't be able to pass his finals. I keep telling him as long as he does the homework and studies, he'll be fine. It'd be nice if he fucking listened to me for once. Poor kid, he's one of the few people I know who struggles with self doubt and self loathing as much as I do. Even Jack has that problem, and he's got no reason for it. I wish I could show them both how amazing they are in their own ways. Jack is one of the few new people to reach out to me in a long time, and it means a lot to me since I don't make friends easily. It also means a lot to me that he told his friends about me. Speaking of friends, I'm thinking of inviting Sarah and possibly Megan out this Saturday, just to do something fun.

I think Sarah could use a break, and maybe if I can get her to relax a bit, she'll finally let me in on what's going on with her. I'm also getting really tired of working so much, and want very badly to just hang out with a couple of my girls. I can't deny that this would be a great way to rid my mind (temporarily) of how much I miss Jack and how much it sucks ass that he isn't here. I guess in a way, I'm saying I think it would be good for both Sarah and I to get out and it would probably be a hell of a lot of fun. I bitch a lot about my job, and I'm sorry. It's not that bad, seriously. I just get frustrated thinking that everyone else seems to be having more fun in life than I am. I know Jack's having fun every time he gets up on stage. He also got a Jack Skelington tattoo. How badass is that? I guess that's it for right now. Thanks for reading, or checking out my pictures, or whatever. I didn't post a song for my last entry, so I guess I'll do 2 today.
Song#1 "Wait and bleed" by Slipknot
Song #2"Perfect Weapon" by Black Veil Brides

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tired.and hot

HEY!!!!!!!!!

Sorry it's been so long (again) since I wrote. I've been really busy. I started working for my new client today, with a new coworker, and it went really well. I'm actually kind of amazed at how well it went. The girl I was working with is new, and I really wasn't sure if she'd have any clue what she was doing. I also wasn't sure if we'd get along since she's very conventional and I'm goth. Thankfully, we worked together well. I've been fucking miserable with this heat, and had no time to go swimming. I came home and just sat down here with my laptop. I can't really do anything else right now, you know? Jack's doing better, I hate so much that he's not here. I miss the shit out of him and Mike. I often wonder if it would freak Jack out if he knew just how much he crosses my mind. I'm kind of worried about Sarah, it seems she's got something new wrong with her and she doesn't want to talk about it. I guess she'll tell me if she wants to. That's it for right now.

BYE!!!! 

Exhausted.....

HEY!!!!

I truly am exhausted right now, thankfully I get a 3 day weekend. So much free time, it's almost weird. I got a call from Mark yesterday, he was panicking about his finals at the end of next year. This will be his last year of high school and he's freaking out about what's going to happen after he graduates. Poor kid, I really wish I could spare him some of this worry and fear. I did my best to encourage him, but I don't think I helped much. I wish he knew how truly amazing he is, he's one of the sweetest, smartest, most loving people I've ever known; and I'm not just saying that because he's my little brother and I adore him. I feel pity for Jack right now, too. He apparently got mugged outside the venue of one of the shows he went to. They weren't playing that night, but he wanted to go check out this other band and as he was leaving someone told him to hand over his wallet. Obviously, it's a good thing they only wanted his money. I found it odd that he was more pissed than scared, I'd be scared in that situation. I doubt whoever did it is going to get caught. On top of that, he's getting sick, too. I feel really bad for him right now. Mom asked me to come over and help her upload her vacation pictures to Facebook, since she doesn't know how. I think it's kind of funny and cute, in a way. I wish Jack would hurry up and write me, just so I know he's okay. On the plus side, Oliver is doing great.  I'm so glad I got him, I love him a lot already. I've been assigned another client at work, and might be getting 2 more. I guess that's it for right now. Thanks for reading.
Today's song is "Where we used to play" by AFI

BYE!!!!!!!!!!