Curiouser and curiouser

HEY!!!

I can't beleive over 2,000 people have now read this blog, that's amazing. Thanks to everyone who's read it. I'm still reveling in the love of my family and friends, but now I'm feeling really weirded out. I got an e-mail from Trevor telling me I'm pretty much a slut for having links to guys' Facebook pages. In my defense, 2 of those guys are my cousins, one is my older brother, and the rest are friends from school (with the exception of Jack and Mike.) He said "I wanted to send you a friend request, but I saw you "friended" plenty of guys already. Then, I didn't want to aynmore. Why is it you hang out with THEM, but not me?" I told him "These people are my family and friends, I'm not cutting them out of my life because you're jealous. None of this is what you think. You're not my boyfriend, and even if you were you wouldn't be telling me whom I could or couldn't hang out with." I haven't been that angry in a long time, he really pissed me off. He claimed to know Danny, too, they work at the same place. >_> Two of the guys in question are also married, and another one I just found out is gay. What the hell was up with that? He also objected to my joking around with Mike about his possible wearing of a mini-skirt, and having links to their band page, and Chris', showing the guys playing shirtless at various times. It was almost 100 degrees the day of their last show, so I don't entirely blame Jack and Mike for losing their shirts. The way Chris plays, I'm surprised he doesn't sweat to death sometimes. Besides, I wasn't checking them out. The pictures showed up there because my page is linked to the bands' pages. Though, I can't entirely deny Jack's shirtless beauty, hairy chest and all. I blocked him from sending me any more e-mails or any friend requests on Facebook. This morning, though, I went out to the car, and there were some daises stuck underneath the windshield wiper on the passenger side. Weird, right? I'm really hoping he hasn't figured out where I live, because he's starting to scare me. I'm always good about locking the doors and windows at night, but I'm double and triple checking them now. I did something about his behavior seeming kind of stalkerish, right? I don't want to tell anyone else about this yet, my dad and brothers would go balistic. Mark thinks he has to protect me from Jack, even though I started our friendship, if he thinks some guy is stalking me, he'll go crazy. I need to stay positive, and try to calm down. My dad's going to be here this coming Saturday, I'll try and keep up with this as much as possible. Mom wants to take the whole family up to Canada on the 24th, and it sounds like a lot of fun. It would do me some good, I think, to get out of here for a little while. I'm taking my i POD, of course. I have 6 of 7 songs from Jack's band's EP on it. I love waking up to the sound of my boys' voices. God, I love being able to call them that!! It's just nice, becasue they're not some disembodied voices, or the voices of people I've never met, they're the voices of my friends. I told you Trevor wouldn't like my hanging with the likes of them. >_> As if he had any say in it. I celebrated tonight's full moon(an esbat for us Wiccans) by lighting about 15 candles, some incense, and praying. I love being a witch!! I was mostly just giving thanks for everything good I have, and asking for protection for myself and my family and friends from the god and goddess. I guess I'd better get going, my lunch break's almost over. Thanks again for reading.

Today's song is "Wait and bleed" by Slipknot

BYE!!!!!!!!!

BYE!!!!!!!!!

Tragedy

HEY!!

I've been thinking a lot about my siblings' friend, Frank, and how weird it is that almost as soon as I gained a friend, they lost one. I'm trying not to feel guilty about reveling in the love of my family and friends, while other people suffer. I was just talking to Cory a little while ago and he said for the longest time he couldn't really believe Frank is dead, he almost expected him to call or come over and say "Hey, I got you, dude. I'm fine." I do realize how amazingly lucky I am to have not only people who love me, but people who put up with all my moody, emo shit without complaint. Mike was joking around on Facebook, asking people how many of them thought he should wear a mini-skirt to their next show. I'm still smiling, thinking about that. He and Cory share a certain sense of humor. He seems to be a pretty cool, nice guy. I did kind of question his motives though, for wanting to be friends, but I'm not anymore. I'm just happy to have him. ^_^ Their next show is actually on Samhain, and that is SO awesome. Mike's voice is pretty awesome, when he stands still long enough to catch his breath. I have to admit, these guys have a talent beyond their years, it's something else watching he and Jack onstage. I'm happy I got to meet them. I think it's funny how people can be similar, without even knowing it. I have a picture of Cassie and I in Kyoto and I'm making this dorky face, sticking my tongue out, then on his band's Facebook page, Jack's making the exact same face. I laughed so hard at that. I really want to go to their Samhain show, if at all possible. They're already hyping it up like mad, it's going to be so much fun. I'm just reminded lately of how lucky I am, and that I have no reason to complain. I'm going to work harder at being less cynical and more grateful for everyone and everything I have. I had to get rid of my little kittens this morning, I already miss them. My landlady was kind of insistent that I do it as soon as possible. I know they're at a no-kill shelter, and I'm praying they'll be adopted soon.
I don't think my dad will be here as soon as I thought, and I have to admit that I'm having a hard time being better to him. It's fairly hard after little to no contact for years, you know? I can't just establish a connection out of nowhere. I'm going to be good to him when he gets here, though, don't get me wrong. He's one of those people who kind of has trouble taking people as they are, not like my friends and the rest of my family. My mom always says I swear too much, which I doubt, but other than that, I can't complain too much about them. I guess that's it for right now. Thanks again for reading, I appreciate it. I'll most likely be back on Monday.

Today's song is " Dead memories" by Slipknot Just because it kicks ass

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

R.I.P., Frankie

Hey,

Cassie called me this morning to say that her friend died last night. He'd become brain-dead, and there wasn't anything the doctors could do for him. I feel terrible for his family and friends, I don't know what else to say about that. I really hope they can find a way to cope with this. Cassie's busy working right now, but I wonder if she's thinking about him. I think I need to leave this subject alone, I didn't know him as well as Cory, Cassie, or Danny, and probably don't have a lot of right to be feeling sad right now. I forgot to mention a few things in yesterday's post, I kind of got caught up in talking about their friend. I came home Saturday to find 2 little kittens on my doorstep, I gather whoever left them thought I'd keep them. They're a brother and sister, I think they might even be fraternal twins like Cory and Cassie. They're so cute, but I'm not technically allowed to have cats where I live. I wish I could keep them, but I'm going to have to either find someone else to take them or give them to a shelter. The male cat was sitting on my bed with me last night, and purring for all he was worth as I petted him. It sucks so much ass that I have to get rid of them, I don't want to. I'm a catgirl at heart. ^_~ I'd really like to talk to Jack again, but I can't seem to find him. I'm not totally sure why Mike's willing to friend me on Facebook, and Jack isn't, when he and I are actually friends. I'm hoping maybe I can talk to him soon. There's no way in hell I could have made much of an impression on Mike in the few minutes I actually talked to him; I don't think saying "Hi, what's up?" and smiling shyly as Jack introduces me to "the guys" really counts as "meeting" them. I guess he liked something about me, though I'm still not totally aure why. Whatever, I have a new friend, I'm happy. I guess that's really it for right now. I might be back soon, once I actually talk to Jack again and figure out what the hell's up with he and Mike.

Today's song is "Hear you me" by Jimmy Eat World dedicated to their friend, Frankie

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MORE sad and confused

Hey,

I actually have reasons to be really sad and confused that have nothing to do with Jack for once. A guy who's friends with Cory, Cassie, and Danny got in a really bad ATV accident on Saturday. He's lying in a coma right now, and we're not sure he's going to wake up. Cory and Cassie met him in first grade, and he and Danny worked together for over 2 years, so this is way harder for them. I'm aware that every second he just lies there, the slimmer the chances of him waking up are. This is so terrible, we're all trying to process this and deal with it as well as possible, but it's really hard. I still almost don't believe it really happened. He's married, and he and his wife are about to have their third kid. I don't think I really want to talk about this any more right now, it just makes me sad. On a much lighter note, Jack's band was amazing on Sunday. Unfortunately, right after I got home, Cassie told me what happend to her friend. I'm praying for him. Yes, I pray. >_> I got a friend request on Facebook from Mike, the singer for Jack's band. I accepted it, but I'm not totally sure why I got it. I haven't "formally" met him, really. Whatever, I guess. Maybe he's just grateful I'm being supportive of he and his friends, or Jack's told him about me. Those are my best guesses. I seriously don't understand why he wants to be friends, though. Okay, again, whatever. They're working on a new song or two, and from what I've seen so far, it's all really good. I'd love to hear it when they're finished. I haven't gotten to talk to Jack in a while, and in a way I'm starting to miss him. I almost didn't make it to his show, Cassie was pretty insistent that I come up and see her that morning, and I spent most of the day with her. She wanted to show off her place and the little cruise ship she works on, it was all pretty awesome. I'm proud of Cassie, she's gone after the kind of life she wants, and gotten it. I got so badly sun burned hanging out with Cassie, it still hurts right now. I even burned the backs of my legs. >_> I DIDN'T want Jack to see me looking like a lobster. I was glad I've gotten to spend some time with Cassie lately though, for a while I hardly even got a text from her. We went swimming. I seriously want to call her and find out if she knows anything new about how her friend's doing. I think she's in class right now though, and would get pissed at me for doing that. I think Jack and Danny are going to be really busy getting the respective stores they work in ready for Halloween. My favorite holiday, though I call it Samhain now. It's always been my favorite holiday for some reason, for as long as I can remember. On a more serious note, I fell like a total ass for bitching to myself about wanting to be with Cassie and Jack at the same time, you know"Poor me, I have people who want me around." I feel so stupid and immature. I was whining about my life, and then the next day Cassie's friend's life almost ends. At least I have a life to whine about, you know? If nothing else, this has dropped a lot of much needed perspective on my little white ass. I really hope this guy's going to beat the odds and be okay. I've never even almost lost a close friend before, and I can hardly imagine the pain everyone who's really close to him is going through. There was a guy I knew casually who died, and that was terrible enough. It was worse because I know his mom and older brother, too. This guy, Ty, was really into Punk and music like that too, and every once in a while we'd walk past each other and shoot each other these "everyone who doesn't like this music is stupid" smiles. He was one of the few guys who never once made me mad or made me want to punch him in the face. My dad is probably going to be back up here by this Saturday, and I'm really conflicted about it. He says he wants to stay for at least 3 weeks this time, and that's just a lot of my dad to put up with. I just really wish he wouldn't treat me like an idiot or a little girl all the time. My mom's not totally innocent of that, either, I'm afraid. I'll be trying to do something, and she'll tell me how to do it. I guess that's it for right now.

Today's song is "Gehenna" by Slipknot

BYE!!!!

Sad and confused

HEY!!!!

I posted briefly on the Facebook page for Jack's band that I'm going to their show on Sunday, and the day after I posted that it seems he posted "Yay!" I swear to God, I do not fucking understand this guy. I don't think he was being sarcastic, and I really hope he wouldn't go that far just to hurt me again. Does that at least mean that he cares that I, specifically, am there? It seems they're also going to be filming their first attempt at a music video at this show, and they and all the people there are going to be in it. Crazy, right? That puts a shit ton of pressure on them to do their best, and to look their best, but it seems the fans will also have to clean themselves up nicely. I'm even more nervous about it now, it was scary enough knowing just Jack was going to be there. I'm confused so much by him, I kind of want to go talk to him, but I don't know if I really should. I kind of thought that we had formed something of a bond at least. I think that if someone creates something, and lets someone else read, listen to, or see it, that creates a bond between them because the creator has let this other person in on a certain part of themselves that not everyone gets to see. For example, it was really hard to let other people read anything I'd written for the longest time, I even had reservations about letting my family read it. It's immensely gratifying, though, when I let someone else in like that and they tell me they love what I've written. It was really cool, too, when my 6th grade teacher told me a story I wrote for his class almost made him cry. I think it's amazing to be able to have an affect like that on another human being. Okay, on to other topics. ^_^ I will have to go into where Jack works tomorrow. I need some more make-up pretty badly, and they only sell my favorite kind of eyeliner there. I wonder if he'll joke about the eyeliner incident if he's there tomorrow, I kind of hope so. I went swimming again yesterday, God damn swimming rules. I wish I could go again today, but I'm totally posting this on my lunch break. I guess it wouldn't be so fun if I went every day, but that doesn't make me want to go any less. At the very least, Cassie and I are hanging out later on. I actually miss my sister, I love that!!

I'm amazed we were able to work on our relationship, honestly. I'm so glad we don't fight anymore. I just want us to be friends, though I know our best friends are like our non-biological sisters, and that's cool, too. I'd better get going, my work won't do itself. It's not that I hate my work, just certain parts of it. Like the parts where the 60-70 something guys hit on the 20 something caretaker, who has to tell them politely to go to hell. I guess that's it for right now. Thanks again for reading, please keep it up.

Today's song is " Rabbits are roadkill on route 37" by AFI

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Land of confusion, part 3

HEY!!!!
Here I am again, it's too hot to do much of anything and I have the day off, so here I am. I'd go swimming, but there are just too God damn many people at the pool, and I hate that. I'm still really confused about Jack, I wonder if any of whatever it is that's been going on between us has meant anything to him. Mom actually kind of asked what our deal was the other day, and I couldn't honestly say I knew. I wouldn't tell her if I did, probably, but I seriously didn't even know how to put it into words. I don't know what more I'm expecting, though, from a relationship that developed from me going into a certain place at a certain time, and talking to a certain guy. I know almost all relationships develop from something so random, but this almost seems a little more random than most. I mean, we did (do?) have something of a relationship, though, right? We were at least kind of friends, right? I hate that it's all so vague, and think it's too bad that we're both masters of vagaries, and brush-offs. Not exactly the best type of people to really have any kind of honest, open relationship, right? I also hate how easy it can be for one person to feel and think one thing, while another doesn't at all. Yet again, I feel guilt for how I treated Trevor. A tiny part of me saw this whole thing going to hell a mile away, I shouldn't have ignored it. It's funny, the same Monday I felt totally rejected by Jack, 3 other guys totally hit on me. I just don't understand how this works, but I find a bit of comfort in knowing that no one really does. I've been trying to reach out to others more, to be more social. I even struck up a conversation with one of my Austrian cousins, whom I haven't talked to in years. It helps me practice my German, plus he's actually working in Japan right now, and I'm totally chewing his ear to get his impressions of the place. I have to admit, I envy him a bit for working in one of the most beautiful, amazing places on Earth, but he says he barely gets to see any of it, he's so busy. I think the pace of my life is manic enough, with all the shit I either pile on my own shoulders or have piled on for me. I'm so grateful for Mark and Danny, though, quite possibly the only 2 people in the world I have almost no reservations in front of. I kind of talk to Mom, but there's only so much I can tell her. Trust me, if it doesn't conform to her world view, she won't listen. I can't talk to Dad at all, really. He's decided he wants to come back up here the second week of September, and in all honesty, it was hard enough having him here before. I don't like him treating me like a little girl or an idiot, which seems to be the only way he knows to interact with his daughter. Obviously, I haven't shown him the part of me that can hang just as well with the guys, if not do better than them. I almost hope he decides against coming here again. I was glad that at least I'll have already gone to watch Jack play before he gets here. I guess that's it for right now. Thanks for reading.

Today's song is "Wait and bleed" by Slipknot- AWESOME!!!!!!!

BYE!!!!!!!!!!

So confused, again

HEY!!!

I was just thinking about this Jack situation, and I'm so confused. I wonder if maybe we both misunderstood each other, and I reacted like I did to a misunderstanding. I don't know, I hate this. I don't want to cut him out completely, but it might be my only choice. He probably doesn't know me well enough to know when I'm really hurt, or angry. I was just hoping he'd ask me to spend a little time with him, I wouldn't ask too much. It seems a waste in a way to throw away what friendship we might have, but if he doesn't really want to hang out with me, it's pointless to keep trying to get him to spend time with me. I think he was at work today, and it felt funny just walking past, forcing myself not to turn back, or look over and wave at him or something. I don't think I should keep bothering him, I often feel like I am, and really hope I'm not. I don't know if he really is bothered by me, but I'm not going to risk it. I almost had to laugh to myself at how many fliers I saw for their Sept. 4 th show, it's obvious he's been busy. I guess it's not just me, he DOES NOT stop promoting the band. I'd just like to know that I mean anything to him at all, you know? In his case, I so am NOT content to just be another face in the crowd. I'm also forced to question why these little moments between us were ever allowed to happen if they didn't matter to anyone but me? I want to be more understanding than I was, but it's hard. I want to at least be his friend, just so that I don't have to awkwardly slink by him whenever and wherever we might meet. I'm just wondering if maybe he didn't really get that it hurt me that he didn't ask me to hang out with him. I don't know, maybe it's just easy for those who know me really well to read my emotions, and since he doesn't know me as well as my family or friends, for example, he didn't pick up on any of it. Chris once told me that my emotions show through as clearly on my face as a sheet of cellophane, but he's known me since high school, so it doesn't come as a surprise that he picks up even the tiniest hints of anger or joy in me. God, I miss him right now. At first he and I fought like mad, and would argue about even stupid crap. After a few months, though, we realized we were birds of a very black feather, and could trade verbal barbs equally well, and became friends. My favorite memory of him was when he defended me after some asshole guys started making fun of me, calling me a witch, and one of our mutual friends agreed with them. This guy said "Well, wearing all black IS a sign of being a witch", and Chris tore into him for me. It was around Halloween, and I went to get some food, wearing my more or less average outfit of black skinny jeans, black Metallica shirt, black trench coat, and black leather boots, and these guys started making fun of me. I love that he understood how I felt, and came to my defense. I guess that's it for right now. Thanks for reading.

Today's song is "Head like a hole" by Nine Inch Nails.- AWESOME!!!!!

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!