Gaming with my girls, friends, and being tired

 HEY!!!
I've been spending a lot more time with friends lately,and it's been great. I've come to realize that I can't spend so much time alone, especially with people clamoring for my attention. I played games for hours last night with Angela and my cousin, Julia. It's a little tricky organizing these gaming sessions considering Julia lives in Austria and we have to connect over XBOX LIVE to play together, but she's so much fun to talk to. I would be the girl on the left, Angela the girl in the middle, and Julia the girl on the right. I'm just glad her English is good enough she and Angela can talk to each other, too. It's kind of funny that Julia and I didn't get along at first, she used to make fun of me for being fat.  She and I have come to know, love, and respect each other over time, and are really good friends now. I guess it helps that I've lost a lot of weight, but I think she's just gotten to know me and doesn't care so much what I look like anymore. It helps that we're also into anime and the same kind of music. Believe me, it's amazing to have female friends to share this shit with, and I'm grateful for it every day. I find it funny that my friend Lynn thinks I'm an influence on other people, particularly the  girls, because they often end up listening to what I listen to or wearing what I wear. I ask again; When the fuck did it become cool to be like me? Part of the reason I'm actively seeking out friendship is Jack, I haven't heard from him in a week now and he and his girlfriend are going to be on vacation together starting today. I miss him, and feel like I'm about to be cut out of his life entirely. I guess I'm trying to prepare myself for when it happens. I'm so jealous it hurts and I want to cry though, if I'm honest. I don't know why I still care so much, How can he have caused me so much pain and I still love him so much? I guess I'm trying to get over him, but judging by the stabs of pain in my heart when I think about him, I'm not even close to being there yet. I know I've said this before, but I think it's best to let him go. I know I said I wanted to be in his life, but I've been thinking and it's just too hard. I'm pretty tired as a result of gaming last night, but it was worth it. I felt so shitty at first and didn't want to complain about my problems, but it helped to talk to Angela and Julia. I'm so glad they're my friends, and almost like my sisters. I love Cassie, but she won't game with me. She and are going to see "Deadpool" and "The Suicide Squad" together though, and it's going to be great. I love my fellow geek girls. I think that's about it for right now. Thank you for reading, love you guys.
Today's song is " Wait and Bleed" by Slipknot
BYE!!!

Sister time and trip planning :)

 HEY!!!!
I was working on some trips ideas for trip to Tokyo with Cassie next year. I'm wondering if she'd like Tokyo Disneyland, and if she'd be down to go with me. We;re planning on having our fingernails done today, so I thought that would be a good opportunity to talk it over with her and hear her opinion. I know she;s going to hit me up for coffee too, so we'll make a Starbucks stop along the way. I think she'd have fun on Pirates of the Caribbean, I know I did. I know Cassie and I have grown much closer in recent years, and I'm so grateful for it, but sometimes I know we still don't see eye to eye. She's going to be graduating college this May, about a week and a half after her 25th birthday, and wants her entire family there. I'm happy for her and proud of her. It'll be more fun traveling with her this time, I think, because we're going to be more on equal terms and she;s grown up a lot.

Jack invited me to another show, and I'm going if only to see him. I don't know sometimes why I put up with being treated like this, I'm his friend and I only really get to see him at shows where his girlfriend has no right to tell me I can't be. I miss his smile and his laugh so much. I need to quit whining over him, I just really miss his company. All right, enough complaining over my non-boyfriend. Back to trip talk- I'm already putting together outfits for each day in my head and planning a proper itinerary for us for the first time. I just hope everything goes as smoothly this time as it did when I went alone. I think that's about all for right now. Thank you so much for reading, I can't tell you how nice it is to be writing again.
Today's song is "Devil's Night" by Motionless in White
BYE!!!!!!

I love my friends.. so much

 HEY!!!
I'm always grateful for my family, friends, but this week I'm especially grateful because they've all shown me how amazing they are. I was listening to Motionless in White over Facebook with Angela and my friend Lana, and it was just so awesome to know they were having the same reaction to the music that I was. Lana said she saw them a few years ago, and I think that would have been incredible. It's always nice to have your friends surprise you in little ways, and I haven't been able to do much with them lately. Angela was even really grateful that I'd introduced her to them, She and I have been best friends for 15 years now, and I'm glad we can still giggle over silly shit like finding new music together. I came home feeling a little tired and not my best yesterday and I get this text from Jack with this goofy ass picture he took of the three of us(including Mike) that made me laugh so hard.

I just need little pick me ups like this sometimes, you know? I got to have lunch this week with Mom, Cory, Danny, and Mark and it was so nice. I got to have Cory smile at me again, and that feels good. I'm so glad to see him back to normal and I just want him to be happy and healthy. I can't tell you how much better these little things have made me feel. I still wish Jack and I could spend more time together, I want to have him in my life, and I hate that he can hardly even by my friend without his girlfriend getting pissed at me. It feels unfair to me because I've known him longer, and at this point I really would be content with his friendship. It felt like he was happy to be with me too, and again it seems unfair that we can't even be friends. I don't have that many friends and even fewer I connect with like this, so it's all the more painful.  I'm grateful beyond words to have Cory back, that part of my heart is finally whole again, but now I want Jack back too. No one can say that we don't mean something to each other, or we wouldn't have stuck together through all this shit and he wouldn't have introduced me to his little brother or his best friend, Mike. It just feels like something very important is missing when he isn't here. I don't know if they realize that they each carry a tiny part of my heart with them, always. I think that's about it for now. Thank you so much for reading.



Today's song is "Pardon Me" by Incubus

BYE!!!!

Time with Jack

HEY!!!
I went to go see the recording studio Jack, Mike, and Jack's brother built last night, and it looks awesome. Jack could make a good career in construction if he wanted to. It was nice to just talk to him for a while. It was nicer still that he seemed just as glad to see me. I haven't had a lot of fun lately aside from going to Tokyo, and I felt I really needed this. I hope he and I can see each other more often, but I really don't know what's going to happen between us. I hope his girlfriend won't be furious at us for seeing each other. I hate feeling like we're sneaking around, because we're not even doing anything wrong. I guess I should talk about something else. Angela just found out she's pregnant and is very excited. Of course, she doesn't know yet if it's going to be a girl or boy. I don't think it matters to her as long as the baby is happy and healthy. I hope everything goes well and she and the baby turn out all right. I'm already kind of psyched at the mere idea of returning to Japan, even though I know it won't be for a while still. I can't believe I've spent an entire month of my life in Japan with the times I've gone over there, and it still doesn't seem like enough. I'm even considering putting a shopping list together for myself so I don't forget anything I want. I brought back bags of shit from Japan, and am using all of it. I'm definitely going to get more Japanese beauty products next time, they are fucking amazing. I want to go clothes shopping too, Cassie really liked the shirt I wore on Christmas that I bought in Tokyo.  I think my family in Austria might be a little upset that I'd rather go to Japan for the fourth time that see them, but Japan is really where I want to be. I think that's it for right now. Thank you for reading.
Today's song is " Break the Cycle" by Motionless in White
BYE!!!!!

Back again..with plans

HEY!!!!

I'm so glad to be back again, I promise to keep this blog going. I caught something from one of my people and had to call in sick today, I hate doing that. I'm in the very early stages of planning a trip to Tokyo for Cassie and myself. I'm a little bit surprised at myself at how eager I am to travel with her now, things have really changed between us. I'm so glad to say this, I hope things don't change. I'm certain we're finally going to go to the Ghibli Museum and hope it's as amazing as it seems. I want to go shopping in Shibuya again, I'm even considering staying in one of the hotels in the area so we can just walk to all the shops. I'm thinking of taking Cassie to the Pokemon Center in Ikebukuro, she was really jealous I got to go. I also think she'd like Nakano Broadway. I have to admit, shopping might be more fun with someone to talk to. Also, we can watch each others' backs. The day I went to Nakano Broadway I had a figure of Law in one of the plastic baskets that the store provides and caught a girl trying to steal it away from me, I don't want that happening to Cassie if we go and she finds something she likes. I got invited by Jack and Mike to see their new recording studio that they and Jack's little brother built themselves. Of course, I'm going. I can't ignore the first invitation in months from him. I've wanted to see him so badly, I can't wait. I just hope his girlfriend doesn't show up and start making a scene. Like I said, he picked her and she has no need to be jealous or angry. I wouldn't try to take him from her, I just want to still be a part of his life, however small.Mt dad's also invited Danny and I to spend the 4th of July with him and his friends, and I really don't know if that's a good idea.  He and I still don't have much in common and don't see eye to eye on a lot of things, I don't imagine being around his friends will be any different. I'm still finding it difficult to close the gap between us. I can't imagine him coming to spend time with Jack and Mike for example, I think I'd rather jump in front of a bus than let that happen. I think that's about it fro right now. Thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is "A Tout Le Monde" by Megadeth
BYE!!!!

  

Tokyo talk, new games and anime, and new fanboys

HEY!!!!

 It's so good to be writing again, I missed it so much. These are some of my pictures from Tokyo, as promised. I went to Tokyo One Piece Tower and was so happy to find this statue of Law, I love him. I couldn't find the statue of Ace, which really pissed me off. I wanted to find the Ace statue and couldn't. I have a picture of myself sitting next to the Law statue and grinning like and idiot, but that's too embarrassing to show anyone. I'm very glad to know I wasn't the only fangirling all over Law either, it was kind of funny to see how some the other girls who were there reacted to him. I was so happy to get to Tokyo Tower finally too, I'd been wanting to go there for years but just kept putting it off. I'd go back in a heartbeat to Tokyo, I love it there so much. I've become a little bit addicted to my games lately, I've almost gotten to the end of "Anticlove" and can't wait until the new chapter comes out. I know it's kind of stupid to be playing a dating sim when there are real guys I could be dating, but this is so much more perfect and sweeter than real dating. I've found myself almost jealous of my characters in these games, especially in "Anticlove". My favorite is Jared in that game, he's sweet and romantic and a guy's never really treated me like that before. I wanted to play "Amnesia Memories" until I found out I'd have to get a new PSP just to play it. My old PSP is dead and I can't see myself buying a new system in order to play one game. I had a run in with yet another very eager and somewhat weird fanboy at the mall yesterday. I was on my way to the store Jack used to work in and this guy comes up and makes note of the buttons and keychains on my bag, which incidentally a guy in Tokyo did too, and started following me through the mall. It was so weird that this guy made mention of his fiance yet was following me around like a fucking puppy, trying to come up with any idea to keep talking to me. Why talk to another girl if you've got one, and follow her though you had no intention of going to the store she's going into? This is what I mean when I say my games are sweeter and nicer than real dating, the guys in the game are loyal. I had a few weird run ins with guys on my way to Tokyo and in Tokyo too. As soon as I got to the airport one of the security guys said I was really pretty and that he liked my goth Harley Quinn look. I had to sit next to a guy for 9 hours who kept looking over at me when he thought I wasn't looking. Then, after I'd just gotten through customs in Japan and was about to get my train ticket to get to Tokyo I see the guys waiting in line for a bus smiling at me and waving. >_>  On my way to Tokyo Disneyland I get stopped in Tokyo Station by this guy telling me I'm beautiful and asking how long I'm staying, where I'm from, and other shit that was none of his business. I had fun still, but that was very weird. I did have conversations with other female anime fans, particularly about "Free! Iwatobi Swim Club" and "Black Butler". I've finished "Free! Iwatobi Swim Club" and "Free! Eternal Summer". I can't wait for "Itachi Shinden", I love him so much and can't wait to see anything else with him. I think that's about it for now. I will be back again, I promise.
Today's song is "Blind" by Korn
BYE!!!!!!

Holy shit, I'm back

HEY!!!!
I'm more sorry than I can express for not being here for almost a year. I'm going to try to ease back into writing on a regular basis, but for now I should just fill you in on what's been going on and why I've been gone so long. I've been insanely busy, both with work and family. I'm happier than I've been in years with how things are going for my family, for once things are great. Cory and I are friends again and I don't feel the gap between us that I'd allowed to develop. I had him, Danny, Cassie, Mark, and Mom over for Christmas and it was probably the best day of 2015 for me. I hugged Cory more times that he probably wanted me to but it felt so good to have him smiling at me and it's amazing to have my little brother back. The only downside is to get to this point we had to go through some pretty dark shit. He's on anti-depressants now because he'd been seriously depressed and tried to commit suicide. I hope they help him. He says he's feeling better and seems to be very much himself again. I'm so thankful to have him back. I was talking to Jon's older sister and his mom, and the pain on their faces when they talk about him is too much to witness. I can't imagine what they're going through, even now. Cassie just got back from vacation, and I feel like I need one. I went to Tokyo again in October because I really felt I needed a break from everything for at least a week. It was such a great week, I went to Tokyo Disneyland, One Piece Tokyo Tower, Nakano Broadway, and so many great places. I feel like traveling on my own has forced me to be more careful about where I'm going and helped me to be more aware of where I'm going. It's also helped with my notoriously bad sense of direction. I'll try to post some pictures from my trip soon. I haven't seen Jack or heard much from him lately, I know his girlfriend hates me for even talking to him. I guess I can't blame her, my heart is so easily revealed when I look at him. It's been more difficult trying to get over him and let him go than I thought it would be. I know I've said this before, but it's still very true. I hate that we still have our moments when we're perfectly in sync and it feels like old times again. He still invites to shows and parties but we never hang out one on one anymore.  Why am I still in love with him? It would be easier at this point if we'd never met. He's still reeling from the loss of his dad, and I know his girlfriend's a huge part of the reason he's all right at all now, but I wish we could just be friends without her getting angry, jealous, or suspicious. She has no reason to be jealous, he picked her. I just don't want to be cut out of his life entirely. He's given me some of the best, most purely happy moments in my life and I don't think he fully understands that.  I guess I'm just trying to say that I don't think I've ever been as happy to be in anyone's presence as I have in his, he makes me happy just by existing and being my friend. God damn it, now I'm crying. It's just been really tough being away from him. I hate myself for thinking than my name even sounds musical coming from his lips, but I swear it does. Okay, this is just getting sad now. It's impossible for me to be happy when I think about almost losing Cory and having Jack rather forcibly removed from my life by his girlfriend. This is what I needed to get away from and why I haven't been here, quite frankly. I couldn't handle losing two of the people who've made my life worth living and given me a reason to keep fighting through all the daily bullshit of life. All right, sad and serious shit out of the way now. I've begun playing otome games as stress relief and just because I often like the anime art style of the games. Two of my favorites right now are Anticlove and My Candy Love. I'm not saying they're the best games I've ever played, but they're fucking fun and cute and that's really all I'm asking. I'm also really looking forward to "One Piece; Burning Blood" "Naruto Shippuden; Ultimate Ninja Storm 4", and "Tekken 7".  Mark and I were playing the newer version of "Killer Instinct" a few days ago and I kicked his ass for once, he even said "Holy shit, you're GOOD at this game." I think that's it for right now. Thank you so much for reading, and I will be back as often as possible.
Today's song is "Addicted to Chaos" by Megadeth
BYEEE!!!!