I'm listening to Jack's band's new song right now and can't believe how much they're grown as musicians. I hate watching the video though, seeing his face and hearing his voice at the same just serves to remind me how far from over him I am. I'm trying so hard to let him go, and shouldn't be listening to this, but I miss him. I know I keep saying that very few people make me feel what he does, and I hate giving up on that. I think he understands me on a level that only my family and very best friends have, I still want to just give him my heart, as he already understands and knows it so well. I can't say there was nothing between us, I just fucked it up. I watched the video for the first time yesterday, and almost cried at the beauty of what he's written and knowing who it's about. It's his way of dealing with the loss of his dad, he said he was having trouble putting his feelings into words, but nailed it. Like I said years ago, he's a better writer than I am. I'm still worried about Mom too, she's feeling a little better but doesn't seem quite like herself. I just want her to be healthy and happy. I know Jack didn't expect to lose his dad so soon, and it was devastating to him, I'm not ready to deal with that and don't know if I could find the strength to work though the loss like he did. I'm as close to Mom as he was to his dad, I know I have my siblings and friends, but I feel like a lot of my strength comes from Mom. She was always an example to me of independence and confidence. I'm only finding out lately how much of that was forced and how tired, scared, and worried she was most of the time taking care of us. I think that's it for now.
Today's song is "Vanitas" by Dir en Grey
BYE!!!!!!
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