Leaving tomorrow

HEY!!!!!!!

This is my last entry before we leave, and I promise to try to keep it up as much as possible while in Europe. I'm going to miss a lot of people and things, but I need the break so much. I'm especially going to miss Jack, I'm afraid. His band's show this weekend was a total success, of course. I like that if I can't be there, he and Mike tell me about it and make me feel like I was there. ^_^ I have to say a very sad goodbye to My Chemical Romance, one of my favorite bands. I will always love their music and am glad to have heard it. I still can't believe they broke up, it sucks ass. I've been listening to them for almost 10 years, and I came to love them. I want to talk about something else now. I'm still not talking to Nate. He's still mad at me and acting like it's my fault that it didn't work when he kissed me. I didn't want him to kiss me, and I have no idea where he got the idea that I did. It's still painful to think that one of my most cherished friendships has been officially flushed down the toilet because of this. I love him as a friend, and didn't want anything else getting in the way. I miss being able to just talk to him about stupid, nerdy, random shit and having fun. I'll never forget all the fun we had together, but now he won't say anything to me and can't seem to look at me even. I really wish he hadn't kissed me. I still don't know what possessed him to do this. I miss what we had, and am so sad we won't get it back. I hate that this is ruined. I feel terrible for hurting him and Trevor, I really do. I can't help that I don't feel the same way about them, but I really feel terrible for hurting them. I didn't want to hurt them, and I'm sorry that I did. I don't know what else to do.

I hope Nate knows I never meant to hurt him. I'm kind of doubting he'll ever truly believe that, though. I think I need to switch subjects again. I can't wait to hang out with Cassie, Sabrina ,and Sandra again. I love them all like sisters, even though Cassie's the only one who is my sister. ^_~ I'm glad I got to say a proper goodbye to Cory and Danny, though I wish they could come with us. Danny was really sweet and got me a couple of early birthday presents,  the second season of "Super Gals", and "The Hobbit". What can I say? My big brother knows his nerdy little sister.  I think that's about it for now. Thank you so much for reading, I love you guys and will get back to you asap.
Today's song is " It's not a fashion statement, it's a fucking deathwish" by MCR

BYE!!!!!!!  

Home early!! ^_^

HEY!!!!!!

I really wish I could say that this were my last day of work this week, but it's not. >_> Sadly, the only reason I'm home early today is because I work extra this weekend. I guess it's not all bad, though. I heard from Jack again. ^_^  He said he wished I could come to a show they're having this weekend, since it's the last one here for a while . I'm going to miss the living hell out of him. I don't know if  I should call this the 13th time he's invited me to a show, since he just said he wishes I could come to it. I'm glad he listened to what I said and remembered that I'll be leaving soon, though a really good friend of mine didn't. I love that he listens to me!!! I really try not to read too much into that, but how can I not? You have no idea how difficult it was saying no again, believe me. I can't believe how close it is to when we leave, I'd really like to spend some of what little time I have left here with him. I'm an idiot for saying no, and agreeing to work when I should be finishing my trip preparations and relaxing. What sucks even more is that I'll have to fit another client in when I get back. I feel terrible, and like I'm neglecting my loved ones again. I geeked out for hours with Mark yesterday after work, we played xbox and watched anime. That's seriously the most fun I've had this week. I think I know why I dig Itachi though, besides his prettiness. He's a really selfless, self-sacrificing older brother and I'm a selfless, self-sacrificing older sister. Plus, he's just badass. ^_~ I'm really looking forward to our trip, I get to hang out with Cassie, Sandra, and Sabrina, and I'm glad. I think that's really it for now. Thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is "A tout le monde" by Megadeth ^_^

BYE!!!!!!!!

SO overwhelmed

Good morning guys,

I want to say a quick happy St. Patrick's Day to you guys, first of all. I saw this and just loved it, so I had to share it with you. I tried to get Mom and Mark to talk yesterday, and it didn't work. I don't know what to do here, short of just leaving them on their own to figure it out. I fully realize it's not my job to help them get over their issues. I really don't know anymore why I keep throwing myself against this particular wall. Mostly, it just bothers me that two of the people I love most in the world are being petty and ridiculous and I want them to quit it. I have so much to do this last week here that I'm dreading it almost more than I can say. I want things to be simpler and they're going in exactly the opposite direction. I really don't want to be put in the middle of their problems when I have some of my own I have to focus on. Nate is still so angry and depressed that I rejected him, he hasn't really been himself since.  I tried to get him to talk to me and all he'd say is that one of the reasons he liked me so much is that I listened to him and didn't make him feel like his opinions were stupid, he thought I understood him. I kind of felt the same way about him, which is why I didn't want anything more with him that would get in the way of the good thing we already had. I don't know why he can't understand this. I've aplogized, explained, tried to justify myself, and I'm all out of ideas. My head and stomach are killing me, again from stress. I wish they knew how I felt and what they're doing to me, maybe they'd stop it then if they knew how much this hurts me. I don't like feeling like I'm on a tight rope, you know? I don't want to bitch about work at this point, but I might as well since I've bitched about everything else. I have so much work to do, I'm barely going to be home at all this week.>_> I think this is going to be one of the worst weeks of my life, and I hope I'm wrong. I think that's all for right now. Thanks a lot for letting me vent.
Today's song is "Fade to black" by Metallica
BYE!!!!!!

 

Not so good morning

Good morning, guys. I'm home sick(again) and I'm 99.99% sure it's due to stress. I've been playing peacekeeper between my parents since Dad showed up and now I'm doing the same for Mom and Mark. How this came to be my job, I don't know. Mom kind of blew up at Mark because she'd been angry at Dad for something, and he took it really hard and isn't talking to her right now. I think I can get him to stop that by the end of the day, though. Mark is often more of an adult than Dad, no joke. >_> I really can't afford to be sick this close to when we leave on our trip, I fucking hate this. I still don't think it's fair to dump all this on me and seriously expect me to fix it when I have to much on my plate already. I don't know how I'm magically supposed to fix their problems for them while also struggling with my own. I need to switch subjects or I'm just going to bitch for hours. I did a bit of shopping after work yesterday, and found some really nice clothes to take with me on our trip. It was all well and good until I ran into Mom and Craig at the same time. I didn't expect this in the least, believe me. I flashed Craig a quick smile and waved, then kind of escorted Mom away from him. To her credit, she didn't grill me about who he was and I'm grateful. I also got to talk to Jack and Mike again (alone), thankfully. I noticed something kind of funny Jack was doing while he was talking, though; he was mimicking my speech patterns and even this habit I have of looking out from under my eyelashes when I talk. I'm wondering now if he's done this before and I just didn't notice it, but I sure as hell did this time. I love that he did this, though. Supposedly that's a sign he's into me. ^_~  As if, right? Still, a girl can (and does) dream. Jack said he's really excited to be getting ready to record their new album but the guy producing it is kind of childish and it bothers him.  I kind of smiled, I couldn't help loving that he said that. Maybe I'm rubbing off on him, too? I hope so. I guess that's really it for right now. Thanks so much for reading, please keep it up.
Today's song is "Awaken" by Disturbed

BYE!!!!!!

Playing peacekeeper

HEY!!!!!

I've been reduced to playing peacekeeper for my parents, again. The problem is that they both expect me to agree with them completely and neither believes they're wrong. I really don't know why they even try talking to each other when all they do is get into arguments. It's totally unfair to just put me in the middle of their arguments when they can't settle it like adults. They're both at fault and neither seems to see it. I wish they'd quit this, especially when one will call me to bitch about the other. I had a really good time chatting on Facebook with Cassie and Sabrina last night, and I'm really grateful for that. Sabrina's become almost like another little sister, and I love it. This is a really cute anime approximation of the 3 of us; from right to left is me, Cassie, and Sabrina. Too bad Cassie and Sabrina are both actually taller than I am, lol. Everything else in the picture is about right, though. I've got some more good news; Sandra is ready to begin physical therapy and will hopefully make a full recovery after a while. I'm really glad I've gotten to truly be friends with Sabrina, I almost didn't expect to since I haven't spent much time with her since she was little. It's a good thing though, believe me. I think Cassie and I have finally truly buried the hatchet too, after a long ass time and a lot of pretty brutal fights and arguments. I'm so happy about this. ^_^ This is all I wanted from her in the first place, believe me. I heard from Jack again, he said they're almost done writing their new album and should have it all recorded by May. I can't believe how happy he is, and how amazing it is that he's living his dream. I can't wait to hear it!!! I'm happier now, it feels good to put my thoughts and feelings down like this. I'm still working on my plans to travel to Tokyo next year, I have to do this. I've gotten a lot figured out already, and it's awesome. Thanks for reading, I think that's it for today.
Today's song is "Reila" by The Gazette

BYE!!!!!!   

Friends^_^

HEY!!!!

I was really upset yesterday about Nate and Trevor's reactions to my rejections of them, so I talked it out with Sarah and Rachel and felt a lot better. LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!!!! I was so happy that they told me I shouldn't feel guilty about not reciprocating their feelings; if I don't feel it I don't. I've been rejected too, and it hurts but it's not the end of the world. I couldn't stand how they both acted like I was to blame for everything. I'm sorry, all right? I've had my heart trampled on too, you know? I never asked for this, and it really hurts that Nate can't seem to forgive me and won't talk to me anymore. I'm sorry about how things have turned out, but I'm not going to pretend to feel something that I don't. I'm so grateful to my friends for helping me through this and reminding me that I'm not always wrong. I can't tell you how much they helped me. I often feel pushed and pulled in so many directions that I really don't need this added to it. I keep telling myself that I'm not such a bad person, though I still feel bad. Okay, enough of this shit; I didn't do anything wrong. I'm still working out plans for a trip to Tokyo, and it's going to kick some fucking ass. I've kind of nixed the idea of going to a host club, it's a stupid idea for a Straight Edge girl to go in there when all they sell is alcohol. I've thought of an entire day spent in Shibuya alone, there's so much junk I didn't get to do. I'm a big enough nerd that I'd probably still think of Super Gals when I'm there, lol. I can't wait until I get to do this.^_^  Really, I feel like I just want some time to myself. I feel like while I'm here there's always someone wanting or needing something, and I can't refuse. Like I said, I feel pushed and pulled in so many directions all the time. I guess that's really it for right now.
Today's song is "One" by Metallica

BYE!!!!!!

All apologies

HEY!!!!!

I really like this peaceful, happy little scene up here. That's more or less what I did last night. I was talking to Cassie again, and it was really fun. She said we should go check out a really famous cemetery in Paris where a lot of famous people are buried and maybe the catacombs after. I kind of jumped at this idea, though it really surprised me that she'd even suggest something like this. She laughed and said"Ha!! I knew you'd be up for this!! Thanks for coming with me." I think it sounds cool. I heard from Mike again. ^_^  This guy always manages to cheer me up. He said his leg is doing a lot better and he's really excited to get recording started on their album. I just wish my entire week had been this good, you know? Alright, now that I've written about the good part, here comes the bad part. I tried (again) to talk to Nate, and he's just so depressed and angry; he wouldn't listen to anything I had to say. I apologized again for rejecting him, and he said it doesn't matter; I'm now like every other girl who's done this to him and no apology I make is going to help him feel better. I also saw Trevor again, God damn this guy. He asked me out again, begged to add me on Facebook, and tried to apologize for losing it over my male friends' presence in my life. I rejected him soundly again. I really don't know what else to do to make him see that I'm not interested in him and never will be. I want him to just leave me alone. Why is it that when you tell a guy "no" that just makes him that much more persistent and he refuses to believe you really mean "no" when you say it? What did I ever do to make him think I was interested in the first place besides answer a fucking question? I swear to God, that's all I did. Then there's my dad; he's been here less than a week and I'm already pissed at him again. >_> He's done nothing but drink, smoke, hang with his stupid friends, and criticize us. Exactly why is he here again? I knew he didn't really quit drinking or smoking as he claimed he had. Told you I couldn't trust him>_> After 2 fucking heart attacks, you'd think he would have learned to take the doctors' orders seriously.  I guess that's really it for today. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest.
Today's song is "Kick the chair" by Megadeth

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm just going to chill today, thank God. ^_^

This sucks>_>

HEY!!!!

I just thought I'd do a little writing while I have the chance. I have to work again in the morning, God damn it. My dad called this morning to tell me he'll be here soon. I honestly regret telling him that it's okay for him to come here at all. I don't know if we'll ever be able to work things out. Once again, I have to rely on someone else to cheer me up. Once again, it's Jack and Mike to the rescue with their music. I love these guys for the billionth time. I love Mike's voice, and probably would even if I weren't his friend. I have to ask myself for the billionth time what I did to end up with two of the most amazing guys in the world. I'm singing with them as their music is playing, it's amazing how cathartic this is. We leave in just a few weeks, and I was freaking the fuck out until I started singing and playing music. I was just panicked that I'd forgotten something. I've been so stressed for years now that I probably wouldn't know how it felt to really feel calm and peaceful anymore. My cousin Sabrina helped cheer me up a little too; she said I have to come see her and share music with her.I kind of like that my baby bat cousin looks up to me. I'm going to play Jack's band's EP for her for sure. ^_~ I haven't gotten to talk to Nate since last time, I'm not sure I know how to anymore. I can't tell you how much I hate that years of friendship just got flushed down the toilet and there's nothing I can do about it if he won't hear me out. This hurts so much, I hate it. I want to be friends again and really wish we could. I guess that's really all there is for right now. Thanks for reading.
Today's song is "Pens and knives" by Black Veil Brides

BYE!!!!!