Hold my breath as I wish for death.......

HEY!!!!!
I'm SO wishing now that I'd obeyed my first instinct yesterday, and stayed home. It wouldn't have been a bad idea to stay home this morning, either, though I did get to see Jack again. Yesterday, I got tired of sitting around after several hours of almost continuous sitting on my ass, so I just went to the library to see if I could find a good manga or two to help me sit still and let myself get better. Then this guy, Trevor, comments on the copious buttons on my bag, and I made the mistake of answering him, then he proceeds to follow me around the library like a puppy for at least half an hour, talking about anything and everything he can think of, despite the fact that I'm throwing every "not interested" signal I know at him, he just doesn't get or refuses to believe it. I walked directly fucking away from this guy, hardly looked him in the eye, mumbled my replies, and he STILL DOESN'T GET IT. There is totally a certain irony here, though, this guy feels about me the way Jack makes me feel. I didn't think very much of this, though, at first, since everyone seems to comment on my buttons, he wouldn't be the first guy to use the buttons as an excuse to start hitting on me, but usually it doesn't go on very long, and they take the "Screw off" hints a lot faster. Okay, enough about him. I got to talk to Jack for a bit this morning, though not nearly enough. I said something like "So that WAS you waving at me a couple of weeks ago as I was crossing the street?" he goes "Yeah, it was just funny; I was telling my friend who was in the car with me that I'd sold a cd to a customer at work, and there you were." It was cute, he even remembered which street it was. I don't know, maybe I was expecting a little too much after not seeing him for 3 weeks, I have a shitty habit of just building things up way too much in my head so it's never as good as I think it will be. Seriously, I wanted to throw my arms around him, but that would've hardly been appropriate. I don't know if we're still kind of getting to know each other or something, but I'm terrified that whatever it is we have, if we have anything, will always mean more to me than to him. God, I just hate being the more needy and vulnerable one. I chose today's entry title because I've been feeling so embarrassed the past couple of days I almost wish I could die and just not have to keep putting myself through this. I just want this one little aspect of my life to finally shape up, and to get it right for once. I have a few really good songs for today; here goes...
1. Celldweller- "Switchback" How I often feel about Jack.
2. Metallica-"One" ^_^
3. Stone Sour-"Orchids" Another excellent description of how I feel about Jack.
4. David Bowie feat. NIN- "I'm afraid of Americans" Simply awesome!!!
Thanks for reading.
BYE!!!!!!!!

Down with the sickness........AGAIN

HEY!!!

I'm feeling like utter crap, so I'll be able to sit and write for a while. I guess I've got this really terrible strain of the flu that's going around, I can't believe I'm sick again. Either I'm not taking proper care of myself (pretty likely) or this virus was just strong enough to overcome my immune system. Hopefully, I'll be okay in again in a few days. I'm kind of afraid I may have done something stupid, but I hope not. I commented on Jack's band's ep on their facebook page, saying that I thought it was good and put most of it on my ipod, which is true, but I really hope I didn't embarrass myself. He's the only one in the band who knows who the hell I am, I haven't met the other guys, so I really hope it doesn't make me seem kind of crazy or weird. I just really don't want to overstep any boundaries in what is still a pretty new and tenuous friendship, you know? I'm praying I haven't ruined one of the few truly good things to happen to me in over a year. It's just that I haven't gotten to see him or talk to him in about 3 weeks and I'm starting to miss him. I almost can't believe I worked up the courage to say anything, I'm such a wuss in that respect. Okay, onto another, much happier subject. I told my mom how shitty I was feeling, and she and my older brother came over with some anime, a Cure/Bauhaus concert video, and some of the most delicious iced tea I've ever had. I have to admit, there are times when I don't think I could love my family more; this is one of them. Today is also my favorite cousin's 32nd birthday, so of course I had to wish him a happy birthday. It's funny, he might be getting married soon, and no one gives him shit about waiting this long; yet as soon as I was out of high school, they were bugging me about finding a boyfriend and getting married. Sexist, much? I'm sorry, that just really pissed me off because it's so unfair. I guess that's it for right now, I'll let you if this whole thing about commenting on Jack's band's page blew up in my face or not. Before I forget, though, the song for today is "Just like heaven" by The Cure, simply because it's my favorite Cure song.

BYE!!!!!

Pirates kick ass.....

HEY!!!! I have some more stuff to talk about, and the time to do it, so here I am again. ^_^ I've got some good news, and some less than good news. I guess I'll just get the bad news over with first; another of my friends is thinking of getting divorced, and her husband is also a friend of mine, so it's a very strange and complicated situation. She's got the same basic complaint that my best friend did about her soon to be ex-husband, except that she's left with 3 kids to contend with when he's not there, and is sick of it. I hope they can figure out a way to work it out, but I really don't know if they can. It's stuff like this that seriously makes me question whether I ever want to get married, even if I think I could find the right guy, which I have very little faith that I could. I WOULD like to have more than 1 serious boyfriend in my life, though, and at least make an effort to be in a serious relationship. Okay, enough bad news. My sister got the job that she really wanted, and is SO excited and happy. I'm happy for her, she deserves this. It's for stuff like this that I'm actually glad I have facebook, I was talking to her and listening to Jack's band at the same time. I was alone, but I didn't exactly feel that way, listening to my friend and talking to my sister. I also have to say that I loved the 4th "Pirates of the Caribbean" as much as I anticipated, but that shouldn't come as a shock. I laughed like a total geeky fan girl when Jack Sparrow goes "Did everyone see that? Becasue I WILL NOT be doing it again." There's just something about that character, he's hilarious. I wanted to do a little bit of complaining about my mom, just to say that she is one of the biggest nags I've ever met. It's not like I just ever sit and do nothing, and yet she's always telling me "Do this", "Do that", and I can't really refuse because I know she doesn't really have anyone else to help her out with anything. I had a poem I wanted to share; it's not my best or my most recent, but here goes.

She mourns a love which will remain unknown,

She longs for a person, a place, which feel like home,

She says these things don't matter, she lies, she lies,

Without them, inside, she dies, she dies,

All she wants is a real connection,

Someone to offer peace, love, and protection,

Someone to stop the frantic panic of her mind,

Someone who is of her own kind,

She wants someone to hold her hand,

Someone who will truly understand,

Someone to keep a smile on her face,

Until she goes to her final resting place.

Please give me some feedback if you read this, critisism is okay, just be honest. I wrote this I think in the 8th grade, and I still feel almost the same way. I think in a lot of ways I still am that lonely, sad, angry, isolated little girl who wrote it. The song for toady is " Fade to black" by Metallica, just because it's good. Thanks for reading. BYE!!!!!!!!!

I'm so tired, and I can't sleep

HEY!! Sorry it's been a while (again) since I wrote. I've been pretty busy, and again mostly with stuff that doesn't have much to do with me personally at all. I wish I could say I've seen Jack again. I have seen Ryan again, though, and it's just not the same talking to him, I know Jack a lot better. The title is both a quote from an awesome song, and a perfect description of how I feel right now. It's from "Pennyroyal Tea" by Nirvana, and I've been going back and forth between it and a couple of songs by Jack's band, and some Godsmack stuff. I do a pretty kick ass Sully Erna impression, oddly enough, with my 12 year old girl's voice. I'm dying to go see the new "Pirates" movie tomorrow, and I'm sure it'll be awesome, because Johnny Depp's awesome. I guess that's it for right now, have to go get going again.

The song for today is "Whatever" by Godsmack, I've got it stuck in my head and it just seems to fit for today. BYE!!!!!!!!!!

Relationships, wtf?

Hey!! I'm sorry it's been a little while since I wrote, I'm kind of busy. I chose the title of today's entry because of a few things that I've been thinking about lately, and I'm still confused about. First off, my best friend texted me pretty early Monday morning to tell me she and her husband are getting divorced. I'm not totally surprised, I guess, because of all the times she's complained to me about how immature and irresponsible he is sometimes and how unequal their relationship's become, but I really didn't know it was to that point. In the end, it's probably for the best; I know it was in my parents' case. It does still suck pretty badly, though, at first I thought they had the whole domestic bliss thing going on, but it didn't last. The other thing that I've been mulling over in my mind, is what are Jack and I now? I don't know if he considers me a friend, or if he really feels anything for me, and I hate it. It kind of reminds of the song "Morning star" by AFI, where Davey sings "Am I your anything?" I'd really love to ask Jack that, but I'm too chickenshit. I'm always kind of afraid to hold out too much of myself to people, I'm terrified of getting hurt. I had my baby brother over for a bit yesterday, and he saw the EP that Jack's band made, and asked "Who the hell are these guys?" Normally, I have no problem telling this kid everything, but all I could do this time was mutter lamely that they're a local band and I happen to be friends with one of the guys in the band. I also kind of mentioned that I started listening to them as a favor to a friend, if I didn't care about him, I wouldn't have bothered. Thankfully, he sparred me the boyfriend jokes. ^_~ This is exactly WHY I tell him things, he doesn't give me crap about everything. I kind of wonder though, what his impression of us would be if he saw us together. I really don't want to make any more of this than there is, I want to spare myself as much pain and humiliation as possible. I honestly wonder sometimes how other people do it, relationships always seem to get so complicated, especially if everyone involved really cares for one another. Maybe I'm just a little immature emotionally, I don't know. I'm hoping I get to see Jack again soon, and maybe answer some of the questions I have . I've also been kind of questioning my job choice lately, I basically take care of elderly people in their homes, and sometimes I love my job, but others it just sucks ass. One of my people makes fun of my vegetarianism, while another told me that I didn't get to go and see my boyfriend (I'd been telling her a little about Jack) until I was done working. I hate bitter, mean old women. They had no right to say any of those things, and it pissed me off. I guess that's it for now. I might be writing again tomorrow, though. Thanks for reading, and please keep it up. ^_^ BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Under Pressure..........

Hey!!!!!!!!

I had the most amazing time just sitting and talking with Jack yesterday. I told him (honestly, thank God) what I thought of his music, which brought on this ridiculous 15 or 20 minute grinathon between us. It was so awesome, I felt happier talking to him than I have in a long ass time. I still almost felt like I was having heart palpitations or something, but I didn't mind. His band recorded an ep, and I bought a copy which is resting comfortably in my cd player right now. It came with a little rubber bracelet too, which I'm wearing with my snap-on Jack Sparrow bracelet. ^_^ I haven't slept worth shit in about a week now, yet here I am desperately trying to salvage the time I have before work to describe the immense happiness I feel because of him. I have one of his band's songs stuck in my head, too, so I can hear his voice. Then, this morning, I'm nearly done with my little jog/walk routine when I hear someone honking their horn at me, I look over and it's Jack, who smiles his perfect smile and waves. I grin like the total dork I am, wink at him, wave, then jog on. I was kind of surprised, I was wondering deep down if he'd bother acknowledging me outside of his work, and I guess now I know the answer. He's a little younger even than I thought, though. He's just barely 20 and I'm just barely 26. That's hopefully not too much of a difference, because I really think I could be falling for him, and I think the feeling might be mutual. I just really think he's sweet, funny, kind, mature, talented, and smart in addition to being pretty. You have no idea how rare that is, my friends. It doesn't hurt that I found out we have a few more things in common, either. We're both huge Slipknot and Metallica fans, and have a pretty serious Montser addiction. I prefer the Irish Java Monster kind, myself. I have at least one a day. Okay, I 've been neglecting the song of the day part, sorry. I'll make up for it now.

1."Fade to black"- Metallica; Simply awesome, and surprisingly comforting on a bad day.

2.""Gehenna"- Slipknot; Some of Corey's best singing.

3."Sing"- My Chemical Romance; Just SO fun to sing along with.

4."A Tout Le Monde" - Megadeath; Again, simply awesome.

5."Prelude 12/21"- AFI; Such a perfect expression of love.

6."Precious" - Depeche Mode; How every father should feel about his kids.

7."People= Shit"- Slipknot; VERY cathartic on a bad day.

Thanks for reading. BYE

AWESOME!!!!!!!!!

Hey, I only have a few minutes here but I have to gush just a little about something. It turns out Jack's in a band, and I was kind of afraid I'd be swayed by my feelings for him, and say that I love their songs, even if they suck. Thank God they actually rock then, am I right? I don't normally go for the post hardcore stuff he and his friends do, but I like the way they do it. I can pick out his voice, too. He's just too damn perfect, now I'm even more afraid to come clean about my feelings for him. Okay, I've got to go. Thanks.
BYE!!!!!!!!!!