Sister day, and getting sick again

HEY!!!!
I'm going to spend the day with Cassie today, and need to finish getting ready but really feel like writing too. I got a really bad cold from Cory on Thanksgiving, but over all it was still a great day. I don't feel so sick anymore and for the first time in weeks I feel like going out. That isn't to say I don't still love and miss Jack, I just have to learn to accept that we had our chance and I blew it. Anna, his fiancee, is probably better for him than I could ever be. I miss him but it's going to bet better. I can't believe a sweet, gorgeous, kind, funny, and lovable man like him would ever give me the time of day. I hate that we can't be together, but I want him to be happy. I want myself to be happy, too, and think letting him go would be for the best. I still haven't spoken to my dad since we had our fight over my not being married. I still refuse to be with a man that I don't really love just to say I have a boyfriend or husband.

 I have to believe I'm going to find a guy who makes me as happy as Jack did, but I don't know when or where. I think that's about it for today. Thank you so much for reading.
Today's song is " Akatsuki" by Dir En Grey
BYE!!!!!!!

Working and fun distractions

 HEY!!!!
This has been a really rough week. I SO wish I didn't have to go back to work tomorrow. I got in a huge fight with my dad once again over why I'm not married, and we haven't spoken since. I;m also so glad I didn't tell him anything about Jack. He's mad also that I'm going to Japan again and he thinks it's a waste of time; that I should stay around here and try to find a man. I don't know his fucking obsession is with me getting married, and I'm so tired of it. If he had any idea how Jack just ripped my heart out and stomped on it he'd keep his mouth shut. I need to move on, though. I've been playing "Pokemon Moon" and watching a shitload of "Kuroko no Basket" in my time off, and it's relaxing and a great escape from the everyday bullshit of my life. I love Atsushi Murasakibara, the tall guy with the purple hair, he makes me laugh simply because some of the shit he says and does is so random. I'm planning on getting more KnB things in March when Cassie and I go to Japan. I'm going to really fucking need that break, believe me. I also truly love "Pokemon Moon", but at the rate I've been playing it I'm going to beat it in a few more days. I think that's really about it for right now, thank you for letting me vent and I hope your week has been better than mine.
Today's song is " Saku" by Dir En Grey
BYE!!!!!

Putting myself back together

HEY!!
I'm sorry for not being here lately, but my life has become an even bigger mess than I thought possible. Jack and his girlfriend are engaged and my heart is broken. It seriously hurts me to say those words. I realize that I pushed him away but it hurts like hell to say those words. I'm somehow torn between wanting him to be happy and misery because he's happier with someone else. This is a problem with me though; I have a fear of losing myself in other people and things so I never let myself get too involved or too close. It isn't that I don't want to be, I just can't let go. I'd happily be his wife, you know?  I absolutely hate the knowledge that I brought this on myself. Mom is being typically awesome and is taking me to an Egyptian exhibit at our local museum on Wednesday, I NEED a day off. Cassie and I are going to Japan in March and I can't wait. I think we're going to be trading heart break stories a lot of the time, but don't want our trip to be super depressing . It's supposed to be fun, God damn it. I think that's about it for now.
Today's song is "Sad but true" by Metallica
BYE!!!

Awkwardness, friendship, and sadness

HEY!!!!!
Mike texted me, asking if I was going to Jack's Halloween party and I had to explain (again) that I can see Jack again. I had been previously invited to Jack's Halloween party, but after we fought and he kissed me I don't think I can see him again. When I told Mike I couldn't go to that party he got really sad, but I like to think he's going to understand.  Things are never going to see Jack again, and I hate it. I feel once again like I need to get away from Jack, but I don't want Mike to be angry with me. I was afraid in a way that something like this would happen and my friendship with Mike would suffer because Jack and I had a fight. I just want Mike and I to remain friends. I wish so much that this hadn't happened between Jack and I. I've been talking to Angela, Jessica, and Julia about this during our gaming sessions, and it really helps. It just makes me sad that I've lost him. I think that's about it for now Thank you for reading.
Today's song is " Before I forget" by Slipknot
BYE!!!!!

Trip to the hospital, sister trip, and more

HEY!!!
Good morning, and I'm so glad to finally be back. I was in the hospital because I was having the worst, most intense stomach pains I've ever felt in my life. At first I was really afraid it might be appendicitis, but luckily it wasn't. I had an infection in my intestines, which also really sucks. At any rate, I'm feeling better now and I'm glad of it. I booked flights for Cassie and myself to Tokyo. We're leaving on March 15th, and I can't wait. I'm also going to carve my pumpkin today, and it's going to be a lot of fun. Cassie and I are going to Nagoya, Chiba, and Tokyo. I think that's it for now.
Today's song is " Dead Memories" by Slipknot
BYE!!!!

Trying to act like I'm okay

HEY!! Thank you for reading my last two posts, they were difficult to write. I'm trying to act like nothing is wrong, but doubt it's very convincing. I have to figure out what to do next, and I wish it weren't so. I'm going to miss him for a long time. After Rob rejected me and left it took me two years to get back to normal, and five years after what Camron did to me. I don't want to give so much time to hurting and feeling like shit again. That's what bothers me, though_ two guys fucked me up fairly badly for seven years. Most of the time I spent with Jack was happy and I just wish things had ended differently. I don't know how to let go just yet, my heart still belongs to him if I'm honest.  I know I told him to leave, and ultimately it was the right thing to do, but that doesn't mean it was easy. I know I take things very seriously and getting rejected shouldn't be a big deal but it is for me. I'm not the kind of girl who falls in and out of love like it's nothing. I wanted to give my heart to him and have his in return. I hate the idea of them being so happy and know it's wrong. Mike just texted me to ask how I'm doing, and I don't want to lie to him. I could say at least I'm not crying anymore.    I think maybe I should answer him, but pull my  punches a bit. I want to remain his friend, and hope it's not too awkward between us. I think that's it for now. 

Saddest week ever

 HEY!!!
I really wish I could say I'm feeling better now, but that wouldn't be true. I've officially cut Jack out of my life, and it feels like something is missing. I hate that he still makes me feel the way he does. I miss his laugh, smile, and basically everything about him. I know it's for the best, but I hate this. I don't think I'm ever going to meet another guy like him. I went grocery shopping Tuesday, which is the only non-work thing I've done this week, and the cashier was being very flirtatious, and I just couldn't handle it. I paid for my food, and basically ran out the door so he'd leave me alone. I think I will play some games today, but I'll probably just play some Slender alone. I have to admit that cashier made me wonder though, if maybe I hadn't cast off good potential boyfriends because of Jack. I have to admit, I'm picky when it come to looks, and if I'm not attracted to a guy, I usually won't talk to him. Am I shallow? I think that's about it for now.
Today's song is "Sulfur" by Slipknot
BYE!!!!