New music, sadness, and worry

HEY!!!
I'm listening to Jack's band's new song right now and can't believe how much they're grown as musicians. I hate watching the video though, seeing his face and hearing his voice at the same just serves to remind me how far from over him I am. I'm trying so hard to let him go, and shouldn't be listening to this, but I miss him. I know I keep  saying that very few people make me feel what he does, and I hate giving up on that. I think he understands me on a level that only my family and very best friends have, I still want to just give him my heart, as he already understands and knows it so well. I can't say there was nothing between us, I just fucked it up. I watched the video for the first time yesterday, and almost cried at the beauty of what he's written and knowing who it's about. It's his way of dealing with the loss of his dad, he said he was having trouble putting his feelings into words, but nailed it. Like I said years ago, he's a better writer than I am. I'm still worried about Mom too, she's feeling a little better but doesn't seem quite like herself. I just want her to be healthy and happy. I know Jack didn't expect to lose his dad so soon, and it was devastating to him, I'm not ready to deal with that and don't know if I could find the strength to work though the loss like he did. I'm as close to Mom as he was to his dad, I know I have my siblings and friends, but I feel like a lot of my strength comes from Mom. She was always an example to me of independence and confidence. I'm only finding out lately how much of that was forced and how tired, scared, and worried she was most of the time taking care of us. I think that's it for now.
Today's song is "Vanitas" by Dir en Grey
 BYE!!!!!!

Trying to relax, but worried

HEY!!!
I'm worried that Mom still doesn't seem to be feeling well. I hope she hasn't been working too hard and trying to do too much. I had a feeling she was exhausted yesterday when I talked to her, but she's too proud to let me or anyone help her most of the time. I had a great time gaming with Julia, Angela, and her sister Jessica. I've known Jessica for a long while now, almost as long as I've known Angela, and we've become pretty good friends. These girls feel more and more like sisters, and it's awesome. I'm still getting along well with Cassie and can't wait to see her. She's getting ready to graduate college soon, and I think she's just glad to put that stress and work behind her. I'm so glad Cassie and I friends and can just talk, hang out, and have fun together. Jessica even said she loves me like a sister and thinks of me as such, which is really nice. I have a couple of guy friends that I kind of think of as brothers, but it's still a little difficult being truly relaxed around them. The one exception is my friend Andy, but we've been friends since we were 12, and there's little we haven't told each other. I saw Nate for the first time in a while yesterday, and he looked happy until he saw me. How can he still be this angry at me? I can't believe that next year I will have known Andy and Nate for 20 years, holy shit. I hate that look he gave me, still like I betrayed him. I guess that shouldn't surprise me, though it still hurts me.  I think that's all for today.
Today's song is "Break the cycle" by Motionless in White

Feeling a little better

HEY!!!!

I'm feeling a little better again today. The only thing that's really bothering me right now is that Mom said she isn't feeling well. I think it's because a friend of hers died a few weeks ago and she took it a lot harder than she wanted to let on. I tried to tell her things will get easier, but it still hurts a year after Jon died. I don't know how helpful I can be talking about the loss of a friend when I still cry talking about him. I'm trying to relax as much as possible this weekend with video games and binge listening to Dir En Grey. Jamie and I were listening to their latest album, Arche, and it's fucking great. I love Kyo's voice, the difference between his high and low notes is amazing. I know I've gushed about them here before, but they fucking deserve it.I love how some of their music is so beautiful and haunting and then they'll just go straight up death metal and pull both off. I'm still hurting over Jack too, I can't lie. I'm just trying to tell myself I'm going to be better off without him. That's a bit like telling a flower it'll be better off without the sun, you know? I know I'll quit hurting eventually but I don't know what to do in the meantime. I still miss him. I have to believe this is for the better, though it damn sure doesn't feel like it right now. I'm kind of afraid I won't want to open my heart to another guy after him, and I hate that. It took me years to get over Rob and Camron and I don't want to wait years more for my heart to stop hurting after this. I need to make some kind of changes in my life, I'm just not sure what yet. I've organized another gaming session tonight with Angela and Julia and actually really looking forward to it. I love that I've gotten Julia into Dir En Grey, too. I guess Lynn was right when she said I influence  other people. ^_~ I think that's it for now.
Today's songs are "Drain Away", "Dozing Green", "Uroko", "Ain't Afraid To Die", and "Vinshuka" by Dir En Grey
BYE!!!!

Feeling a little bit better, emotionally

HEY!!!
I'm home sick again, God damn it. I can't believe I've managed to let myself get sick again. I'm still so hurt about Jack, but I guess I should have expected something like this to happen eventually. I did say I wanted to make a clean break from him and let both of us get on with our lives, I think this is probably the best motivation I'm ever going to find to get away from him and possibly from this place as well. I've got so many good memories with him, and I'm worried now they're going to haunt me because I won't be able to forget them. I should really just be happy that he's happy now, and try to find my own happiness. I am happy I had the time with him that I did, and know he and I probably wouldn't have been happy together, but I just hate admitting that another girl could make him so happy when I couldn't. It's kind of sad to think though that I might never find another guy who makes me feel like this. My heart felt frozen for so long after Camron dumped me, I didn't think I'd find another guy I wanted to open up to and let love me, but I did. I was really hoping he'd be the guy I was meant to be with, but he wasn't. I think that's about it for now. I'm going to be out of town again this weekend, but will be back to write again.
Today's song is "Fade to black" by Metallica
BYE!!!!!

Sadness and loneliness

HEY!!!
Once again, I'm not feeling the happy. I've been feeling really down this entire week and I can't stand it. It started with my birthday celebration on Sunday, Cory really didn't seem to want to be there and didn't really seem to care that I was. I don't know what I did wrong or said to make him angry. Mom said some thoughtless shit that really hurt me and I just can't seem to get over it. I feel like I've done a lot for this family and it's still not enough, I'm just not enough for them. I hate that I've given so much of my life to them and thrown away a relationship with Jack for them and this is how I get treated. To top it all off, Jack and his girlfriend are going to have a baby. My heart hurts so much right now and all I can do is sit here and write this stupid fucking post about it. I feel so stupid and so worthless, I basically hate myself right now. I'm just tired of never feeling good enough, yet always being the person who goes out of her way to help people and be good to people. No one ever really seems to care how I feel or what I think, I'm just here to make things better for others and have no other purpose in life. >_> I think that's it for right now.
Today's song is "Die, Die, Die," by The Misfits
BYE